I would pay you good money, for the right sentences to (1) say to my children, and (2) put into a brief text to my ex-SIL and her stake president husband. Being brief is not my strong point! Help!

I’m invited to a Mormon family party next month, and I desperately want to get out of going to it! My ex-sister-in-law has an open house every year, on the weekend coinsiding with my ex MIL’s birthday. I’m invited, because my children are invited. These are my children’s relatives, not mine, and my children want to go, and they want me to go with them. I need advice on exactly what to say to my ex’s famiy, and, especially what to say to my own children.

I won’t go into the awful back-story, so you need to take me at my word that my ex-husband physically and emotionally abused me and our children. He also cheated on me. He left me for another woman, and divorced me, and did not communicate with me or the children for 5 years, and only a few times with the kids, in the last 20 years.

My TBM in-laws blamed me for the divorce, and spread gossip and lies about me. When my ex left Mormonism, earlier, they had blamed me for that, too, thought the kids and I were still active TBM’s. The inlaws lived within a few miles of us, but they never saw their own grandchildren, though I made an effort, and encouraged them to be part of their life. My children were good kids, and didn’t deserve to be mistreated this way. We did not get any financial support from my ex. My ex’s sister and her stake president husband joined with the in-laws, in blaming me, and having zero contact with any of our children, until after the in-laws died. My children were forced to perform at both grandparents’ Mormon funerals, though, and they said they felt weird, like strangers. My ex’s sister called to tell me not to go to the funerals, both times. She said that my ex’s wife would be there, and it would be “awkward.”

Fast forward to the present. We are no longer Mormons. My children are still wonderful. We pulled together as a family, struggled, overcame setbacks, worked at jobs and to get university degrees, and establish good careers. My kids married wonderful non-Mormons, and now have babies of their own, and are great parents. My children visit their father every few years, on their own, and he continues to be disagreeable and self-centered, as always.

In the past few years, my successful kids have been able to help some of my ex’s sister’s kids, who had gotten themselves into trouble. This has been an unnecessary drain on my children.

The thought of attending this party upsets me, terribly, and I don’t fully understand why. Maybe it’s that my ex’s family is in denial that there was ever any abuse or wong behavior, at all, on the part of my ex. They act like it was OK for everyone to reject my children (we were still active Mormons at the time). I would feel phony “honoring” my awful ex- MIL. They behave like they are reaching out the hand fellowship to my children and me, but they are only taking. Besides, it’s too little too late. My idea of forgiveness is to let go of the past. Forgiveness, to me, means not allowing the same people to come back and abuse me over and over again.

I can not support this evil family, any more than I can support thier church.

I hope I”m a tolerant person. I have good friends that have made and are making mistakes. Everyone is human, and they are in the process of learning and changing. However, their mistakes don’t directly effect my children or me!

Do I need to explain to my adult children WHY, after all these years, I want nothing to do with my ex’s family? I don’t want to open old wounds.

I don’t want my children to lose respect for me, or think I’m being unreasonably rude, petty, intolerant, or unloving. Well, maybe I am being petty…. Sorry.

I apologize for all this angst about one stupid party a year, but this is really about breaking off from my children’s Mormon family for good, without alienating my chldren as well.

Sounds like your kids are adults, so I would leave it to them to go on their own.

If you feel like they need an explanation as to why you aren't going, you could offer one, but I wouldn't feel compelled.....you don't need anyone's permission not to attend.

Do what YOU want to do and leave it to the others to feel comfortable.

And as more than one mormon has said to me....."you can be a non-mormon....and still be a good person".....so you have that going for you too :)

"The Lord has told me not to attend."

to the ex sister in law: "I have other plans."

to the adult kids "I won't be going".

"Kids. I appreciate you wish to include me, but the party is actually painful and uncomfortable for me. I won't be coming and have an important-to-me need to cut ties, but do hope you have a wonderful time."

If not going to a party would alienate your children you are either underestimating their love for you or they don't love you. My money is on them loving you and understanding. Don't sell them short.

Anyway, that is my simple version if it's any help at all. This is a time when you are right--less is more.

Or, "I wish I could come but I am actually having my fingernails pulled out that day." :) Even better if your kids have a sense of humor.

Good Luck.

NO is a complete sentence.

Use it.

No further explanations to anyone are necessary.
There is no reason to put yourself into situations which make you uncomfortable.

Invitations are NOT obligations. Declining an invitation doesn't make you a bad person. That's how the normal world works.

Tell your children that you support their choice to go if that is what they want, but you will not be attending. If you feel an explanation is needed just tell them that it causes you emotional pain and isn't something you feel you need to put yourself through any more.

Now that they are adults the amount of contact they have with that side of THEIR family is up to them. There is no reason for you to have to help them with that contact anymore.

Hahaha! Done and Done.

I can't give advice, really, except to tell you that I find myself in that same situation every Christmas. I used to go to the former in-laws' traditional Christmas Eve party. My in-laws are better people, and I felt that it was nice of them to include me. My ex-husband is estranged from the family, and he never goes, but if he were to go, I would not be there.

Later on Christmas Eve, my kids and I have our own traditional celebration, together. I do feel uncomfortable around my former in-laws, and that's probably typical, especially when introductions are made.

"This is, um, Exminion, my, er, used-to-be aunt; I mean she was married to my uncle for 15 years."

"Nice to meet you, Exminion, uh, sorry about the divorce. Soooo, 5 years, huh."

I wonder if it would lighten things up a bit, if you kept it at that level, of being merely "uncomfortable", like Done & Done suggested.

I agree that your children would never judge you for putting the past behind you, when you need to do so. They went through it all, right along with you, so they will understand!

In my case, I kept my dignity, and never told anyone that I would get physically sick afterwards (I have PTSD), and depressed, sometimes for several days. People don't have to know the details.

The fingernails pulled out excuse reminds me of when the girls in the dorms at BYU would turn down dates by saying, "I have to wash my hair." It was a lame excuse that got the message across, without being overly rude, and the guy wouldn't ask again,

You might want to take one year at a time, with whatever method you use to say "No" It might be too traumatic to do one huge, dramatic turn-down, for forever.'

IMO, what you say has to come from you, in the moment.

For example, you can't say you "have other plans" when the invitation comes as early as a year before the event.

I'm waiting for suggestions, too. Aren't texts the best!

You divorced this man for a reason. At present, you owe his family *nothing* beyond whatever you want to give. As your children were growing up, you owed them and your ex in-laws access to each other (which it sounds like you made every attempt to do.) As adults, your children can now attend the party on their own.

To your ex's family -- "Thanks so much for your kind invitation, but I have other plans for that day. I hope that you have a wonderful time."

(Your other plans can include watching TV, washing your hair, etc. No need to elaborate!)

To your kids -- "I won't be going, but I hope that you have a wonderful time." Don't feel badly for standing firm on this issue. It's time for the fledglings to leave the nest!

First,
Accept that you can't control how others see you, feel about you, think about you. If they see you as the bad guy, then they do. You can't stop that.

There are ways, and several posters have already given you some good ideas, on how to turn down the invitation that is civil. You don't need to prove to anyone you are a good person. As long as you know it, that is all that matters.

Hoping you find a way to let go of worry about what others think, of how others will react

I agree with Angela, you can't control how people think about you.

I think it's time to retire the notion that there's such thing as a "good person." People are emotional. They can't forgive and forget. They don't want to go to parties for and with people they don't like, who didn't support them when they needed it, and they don't want to confirm for those people the people's own self-satisfied self-congratulation. That may be petty and narrow-minded, or not. If we'd put down the "good person" concept, then we wouldn't have to worry about it. We don't intend to change how we feel about things anyway, so why agonize?

First of all, congratulations on raising such great children! There were obstacles in your life over which you had little control. You can’t control sociopaths and narcissists and all the “evil” in the world, but you can control how you react to it.

You and your children felt bad about being rejected by this jerky family, but it turned out that they did you a favor. Right?

Right now, the only crime would be if these abusive people caused you and your children grief NOW, moving forward. Follow your good instincts, and step away from toxic people, and try to replace toxic relationships with healthy ones, or with a sweet dog or cat. From what you say, you already have healthy, happy relationships with your children and grandchildren.

Leaving the Mormon cult has taught me that there are plenty of good people outside the cult, and plenty of love! It seems to me that you don’t have a real “relationship” with your ex or his family, anyway. One invitation to see them once a year does not make a relationship. Your adult children can make their own decisions, because you raised them that way.

Don’t feel guilty, or like you are “bad.” Do whatever it takes to keep your life enjoyable, and to keep your children happy, even if you must be “petty”. I call this “SETTING BOUNDARIES.” You have every right to do this.

There’s good advice on this thread. I agree that you need to stop caring about what others think of you. I wish I could tell you how to do that, but I’m working on it, myself. Once someone has decided to villify you, there’s very little you can do to change their mind. A good example of this is how the Mormons have followed their prophet in believing that those who leave Mormonism are "offended, lazy, and wanting to sin". You would think that after your children’s and your successes, they would finally realize that you are a good person, but don’t hold your breath.

I like Summer’s text message. It contains no lies and no explanaitions. It can be softened by phrases such as “Thank you”, and “have a wonderful time”, if you feel like it. You have a right to your feelings. You don’t need to explain anything to your kids, because they already know you, but they need to know you aren’t going, if they are planning on going with you.

Oh, if you want to get rid of these jerks forever, make a note of your text in your calendar for next year, and every year thereafter, and text them again, without having to agonize over it each time.

for dinner and I guess the other sister, too. One time his sister brought up something that was very hurtful to me. My daughter later used this against me, saying that I wouldn't let go of the past, etc. We had a huge argument about it. Now I just don't go and I don't say anything to my daughter about stuff like this.

I don't know what to tell you to do. I went through a similar story as your's in terms of I got no help. I did the work and raised the kids working 2 jobs. Now he is in our lives and lives here actually and we get along, but I refuse to go to his family's activities and he knows why. My son knows why. My daughter, being the TBM, wants everything to be perfect.

I would NOT go if I were you. No way in hell would I go. I'd just say no like someone else said. You aren't some big happy family.

My boyfriend just had to deal with his ex-in-laws (siblings, etc.) at his son's wedding in September. He decided to just be nice and he went out of his way to do so. Guess what, they all thought that they could invite him to go on a big family vacation with them and they need his skills to be able to do it. His ex-wife will be going. He actually laughed at his daughter when she asked him. The laugh wasn't a pleased laugh.

There is just no way in hell I'd go. NO WAY.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2019 07:19PM by cl2.

Long ago, I got ridda the need to be the *good guy.* It's worked out well.

Your children know and understand more than you credit them.

Your stand that you won't be going will be heard loud and clear without any further explanation.

"Do I need to explain to my adult children WHY, after all these years, I want nothing to do with my ex’s family? I don’t want to open old wounds."

No, you don't.

Politely decline. Something like, "I won't be able to attend."

You don't need to explain. You don't need to give a reason. Don't give in to the pretense that you DO have to explain.

If anyone asks why you won't be going, simply say, "I can't." And leave it at that.

That *is* being the "good guy." To yourself. You deserve it.

Don't put yourself through that to please someone else.