My mother is in an assisted living facility in Florida. She is 89. I received a call from the facility management yesterday (Friday) that they are threatening to remove her from the facility as she constantly blurts out derogatory things to other residents. She says they are fat or retarded and even called one other 80 year woman a prostitute. My mother was a beauty queen in Finland and for the rest of her life she seemed to just relive those glory days of hers as she day dreamed her life away. She never stopped reminding people, even 40+ years ago up to today, that she was a beauty queen. Today on the phone she told me when she was in Finland everyone loved her. I tried to get through to her the past does not matter - it is who and what she is today that is important.

The facility wants her to go to counseling or she will have to leave. I tried to reason with her that she needs counseling to help with her anger. She kept responding about her past and that she is not the one with mental issues. She hung up on me twice. My wife tried to talk to her last night as well and my mother hung up on her.

She has always been the quintessential narcissist. She has had a succession of husbands and boyfriends over the years and accumulated a fair amount of money from these men which I now manage for her. She always made it clear to my sister and I that she wished she had stayed in Finland. We knew we were never wanted. My sister, from age 14 on, primarily stayed at a neighbor's. This neighbor also took care of her when she was sick. My mother did not want to take care of my 16 year old sister when she was ill and missed school for 3 weeks due to the illness. It was too much trouble for my mother. A neighbor had to do it. I was away in college at the time and did not learn of it till later. My father was an alcoholic and away from home weeks at a time with his work. When home, he was totally oblivious to what was going on. My sister passed away 7 years ago from cancer. I believe her drinking and drugs were a result of how she was treated during her adolescence.

It made me the ideal cult recruit. I joined Mormonism thinking it would replace a family I wished I had. We know what a mistake that is. This not intended to be a sob story. I am frustrated now as I am emotionally drained. I am deeply stressed. There is no way my mother can live with my wife and I. She has always been mean and difficult to be around and has been abusive towards my wife treating her like she is a slave to her. Not once did my mother ever offer to watch our 2 children (her grandchildren) or even help give some relief to us when they were babies. She is not that kind of person or grandmother.

I could not sleep last night. Going to the gym in a few minutes to work out some stress and sit in the steam room to relax...then play some music. I just cannot let this women take more of a toll on me or my wife. I still need to be the dutiful son and see to it that she receives proper care, but somehow emotionally detach myself from her.

Eric, I am so sorry. If you haven't already done so, what I would tell your mom is that she is in danger of being booted out of her facility, and that she might not like the next one as well. Make crystal clear to her that she will never live with you and your wife. If your mom has to make a grand tour of all the available facilities, so be it.

Try to make your peace with the worst possible outcome, i.e. you have to move your mom once a year or once every six months. Try not to get caught up in the day-to-day drama. Perhaps think of it like a dental appointment -- unpleasant, but you deal with it at intervals and then move on.

A friend of my brother's was placed in care for frontal lobe dementia. He was already rather far gone when he went into care. I know that there were times when he was quite mean and abusive to both visitors and staff, but in that case it was a part of his illness. My brother and his wife visited him regularly until he passed away. They were lifelong friends.

I feel for you, Eric.

My own mother passed away on February 20th. She also had Alzheimer's. At first, this actually made her a nicer person because she no longer remembered enough to bear grudges, but in the last week or so, the disease had entirely taken over and, to put it bluntly, there was no longer any trace of the person we knew. It was a blessed release for everyone, including my mother - who already no longer existed.

By the way, your different musical undertakings are all very impressive. And who doesn't love a bass clarinet? ;-)

Much love to you

Tom in Paris



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/23/2019 10:01AM by Soft Machine.

I cared for an elderly dementia patient while I was an undergrad student in college. Her two sons hired me to cover on the weekends at her home she still lived in. She was really difficult to deal with. Anger issues, constant belittling others etc.

Her sons hired others to look after her because they weren't able to. She passed away in the year after my summer working for them. It was a difficult job because of her Alzheimer's.

The social behavior is out the door. She did not know or remember how to be sociable if she ever was. If your mom has always been a narcissist then it's just ingrained in her unfortunately, and her socialization skills are forgotten by now because of .the dementia.

I wish I had some words of advice, but am at a loss. My half-sister died from early onset dementia at age 67 a decade ago. Her organs shut down and then her brain did and finally her heart. She lived her last days out in a hospice in SLC near her oldest son where he lives.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My half sister was not abusive. She was just very forgetful. She forgot her own children's names and mine toward the end. It's hard to see them suffer, but they don't suffer as much as you are watching them slowly fade away.

Eric, there may be an agency where you could find an “advocate” for your mom. Counties have advocate programs that I never knew existed unti someone said she worked for one.

Anyway, someone who could deal with the logistics of her care, and give you and your wife a rest.

So very sad. Hard to find words to describe this kind of loss you’re going through. Parents don’t have be dead for us to “lose” them. But it sounds like this loss for you started long ago.

Without guilt, have someone help you with her management.

Can the social worker where your mother lives offer suggestions about getting someone else to manage her situation?

I wish I could offer alternatives and help. You certainly have done more and put up with more than anyone should have to suffer.

They can't just remove her without finding her a new place to live.
In other words, she is the facility's problem,not yours.

Whatever you do, don't take her out of there!!!!!
Let their social workers worry about finding her a new place,she is an adult.

Social Services will try to talk you into taking her home "on a temporary basis" - - Don't do it!!

In fact, do not answer any more of their calls and do not sign for any registered letters from them !!!

It's called granny dumping.
The state's social services + Medicare will have to find her a new place she can afford.
Do Not Get Involved.

He had abusive violent tendencies all through life but when he let loose at the rest home, they kicked him out and my mother had to manage at home with him as best she could.

One of my friend's husbands works in a place like this and she said they do kick out scary violent patients.

Is this illegal I'm not sure, but it does seem to happen.

My father was restrained to his bed and still couldn't be contained. I guess I can't blame workers for not wanting to be assaulted or the management for not wanting damage done to their furniture and walls. Among other antics, my dad had gone into the phone booth in the hall and banged the receiver, breaking the glass door and smashing holes in the wall.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/23/2019 12:08PM by Cheryl.

My mother is verbally abusive. The administrators are wanting to protect other residents from the vocal assaults. My mother's feeling of superiority (narcissism) entitles her to ridicule and demean others. It has only gotten worse with age. This is a private facility and not paid for with Medicare or Medicaid funds. She has a pleasant large private suite. I will check with a florida attorney on monday on our options. An advocate sounds great. Will search for that. Thanks for the suggestion. In my frustration it never crossed my mind.

Doesn't matter.
Private or not, they can't put her out in the streets until they have a new place for her.

Good luck. My best wishes for you. My father is one of the most passive men I've met until he gets angry and it takes a lot. I've been beat by him and he can get violent. This has happened in his dementia. It is scary. Their anger. I wish I could say something useful but I can't. I just want you to know that what you are doing is admirable. Helping a mother who is so consumed with herself and spiraling into mental oblivion.

My mother was a beauty queen and is a complete narcissist. I can't imagine her with dementia.

On a positive note I have a relationship with her now that she has eased off the Mormon shiz. Taking care of my father has taken a toll that I appreciate. Takes the focus from the church.

>>I will check with a florida attorney on monday on our options.

That sounds like a good plan, Eric.

They cannot kick her out without having a “safe release”. Do not accept responsibility for taking her into your home— even briefly. They are looking to dump her and solve their problem. Contact your state agency for elderly care and research you state laws by google.

DO NOT TAKE HER HOME !!!!

You are not legally responsible.
The facility is banking on you not knowing your rights !

They are playing hot potato.

What will happen is that state Social Services + Medicare will have to step in to find her a new place to live - and until they do she will have to stay there.

The facility knows this but they are trying to wash their hands of her.


Don't communicate with the facility any further !!!
STAY OUT OF IT.

I don’t know if they can just kick her out, but it depends on what the contract said when she moved in.Maybe they only have to give you verbal warnings before they do, which could be why they’re warning you in advance.
I’d be worried about a lawsuit from some of the families of the residents, especially if it causes them distress, etc
I wonder if there’s some kind of eldercare service that can go over all the different levels of care options in the area.
I don’t know if she’ll understand ,if you tell her she could be transferred to a not so nice place .Does her place have different levels of living options, like a memory care unit?
You can scare her and tell her that she could end up at a state- run type of nursing home, if the private or nice ones refuse to take her.
I don’t think they can just kick her out in her condition though, if they don’t give you a list of places that would except her and have openings.
I really feel for you; you don’t deserve anything that has happened to you

Wow. I was kicked out several times as a teenager. Is that illegal? If I had known maybe I would have gone to DFS?

Is it illegal to kick anyone out of any kind of living arrangement? People can be evicted legally right?

If you were under age it was illegal.

He is NOT responsible for anything !!!
Let the facility worry about her.

The state and Medicare will take over for elderly residents.

Again - he needs to STAY OUT OF IT and let the facility get social services to take over.

Elyse,

I think you are technically correct with your hands off approach.

If emotions were not part of the equation, the logical thing to do is to back out of it and not participate in her placement and care. It might also mean that Erik's mother's estate becomes property of the state.

I think it speaks to Erik's character that he isn't doing this.

If my MIL was being awful in an assisted care facility I'd abandon her in a minute. I'm not proud about that.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees this as a viable option.

If she gave away her "estate", after 5 years the state cannot try to reclaim it.

Right now,the pressure for her well-being is on the facility and the state she resides in.

Eric needs to stay out of it and let them resolve it. Don't take it on.

I definitely think speaking with a lawyer is wise. Protect yourself and find out exactly what could happen, what they are allowed to do, etc.

My Dad has been gone a few years now. He was never violent or mean in his assisted living facility but developed a bad spitting problem because he had ALS along with his Alzheimer's. And yes it was nasty. He didn't spit on anyone but he did spit on the floor, walls, etc. We tried to ask him to stop but he couldn't remember to not do it, plus he couldn't swallow well any longer. They wanted to transfer him to one of their other facilities that we had heard bad things about. We ended up hiring an attendant to be there with him a few times a week which helped some. The day before he passed we moved him to the nursing home side of the facility where his movement would be a lot more restricted. We worried all the time he was going to be asked to leave, and none of us could have had him in our homes even if we wanted to. It was probably one of the toughest things I've ever had to cope with in my life.

Not sure this helps at all but know I understand and sympathize with your predicament, and your mom's predicament.

Sorry - meant to post this separately - not as a reply!

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. One of the hardest periods of life is dealing with the decline of parents.

I don't know much about this, but I'm wondering if they might try to put her in a secured dementia area eventually where they expect the residents to have issues like that. At some point wouldn't they separate them? I have seen assisted living with areas for the ones with mental issues.


It is very difficult to maintain an attitude of compassion for a parent who has not exactly been a good parent. She sounds like she was a piece of work as a mother. I'm not sure how your mother's health is. I hope when you look back on all this you will know you tried to deal with things the best way you could with the information you had.

They have eldercare lawyers too. They only deal with this sort of thing. They’d know all of the laws, what your options are and will tell you the same thing as everyone here is saying ,concerning that place and her condition

He does not need a lawyer.
He needs to keep his distance from the situation the facility tries to involve him in.

This is not China.
Kids are NOT responsible for any debts or other obligations parents may incur.

Let the facility get the state to take over.
Until then, granny stays there.

Elyse. Did you read the part where Erik says he's managing her money? You don't know who's writing the checks to the facility. You don't know who has executive power and/or liabilities. Consulting a lawyer is solid advice. The situation suck, but ignoring the facility is not sound advice.

Laws vary from one jurisdiction to the next. Eric is wise to consult an attorney. He does not have to cede any power to the attorney or otherwise place himself or the attorney in the middle of the situation, but he would be wise to know exactly where he stands in a legal sense.

Wow... what a difficult situation. I'm so sorry you are dealing with it. Your mom sounds like a nightmare.

DH's mother lived alone, but lost her leg, so I had her come and stay with us. One night, her pain was so intense that she was screaming. We took her to the ER. Nothing was done. They were about to send her home, but we said that we wouldn't take her home until she was helped. The social worker told us that we would be arrested for abandoning (dumping) her. We explained that she lived alone. Didn't matter. Because she had been staying at our house even for a day, we were legally responsible for her.

Back to our house. She began screaming so loudly that we called an ambulance. When they showed up, she was so mean and violent (as she always was) that the ambulance crew called the police.

What a rodeo!

Don't ever take your mom to your home. Hospital social workers just want her off their case.

I do believe they can kick them out. I type (still) medical records. I would type up elderly patients that were sent to the hospital from care centers because they were out of control or unruly, and then refuse to take the patient back in. The family was then required to find another place for the patient to live.

He needs to keep his distance from the situation.

If she becomes combative, the facility will call the police and ,of course, refuse to take her back .
But she will then become the problem of the hospital or psych facility the police took her to.

Social Services will have to find her a new place to stay.
NEVER take possession of the patient or you are stuck.

It may take Social Services 6 mos or more but eventually they will place her according to the money she has in her estate.
Or, if there is nothing left, Medicare and SS will take care of it.

Can't they put her on tranquilizers or psychotropic meds?

Her doctor should manage her care and if she is a 'combative patient' meds are in order and the humane thing to do.

Can you consult with her doctor?

auntsukey Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> Can you consult with her doctor?


Consulting with her doctor is a good idea. The problem her doctor may face is that some of her verbal combativeness isn't necessarily her dementia speaking, but the REAL her coming through even more loudly and clearly once what little filter she ever had has been effectively disabled. It's an issue of medical ethics on top of everything else.

Yes, she has completely lost her filter. Today, on the phone, she was contrite, an attribute I would never normally assign to my mom. I had an old friend of hers from Finland who lives 6 mo.s per year in Florida visit with her as well as having a counselor start with her this past week.

In an ensemble I play in, a person I viewed as a friend has now developed dementia. He is in his late 70's. He had been a soloist at Carnegie Hall years ago and a music professor at a major university. He retired here. His dementia has made him a bit mean. He too was a prima donna and gets quite ugly if he is told he makes an error in playing or gets lost reading the music and plays on. It seems, from my limited experience, that the worst traits of individuals become accentuated with dementia.

It has been a stressful week. I believe I have lost 5 lbs or more from stress in not eating. Taking care of elderly parents is not easy. I appreciate the kind words and thoughtful suggestions.

We recently learned our daughter is having twins, her first pregnancy, and she is stopping by today. I have a jazz gig tonight. Life goes on.

Eric K Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> We recently learned our daughter is having twins,
> her first pregnancy, and she is stopping by today.
> I have a jazz gig tonight. Life goes on.


Music allows me to get through many things, too, and I can't think of anything much more delightful than twins.

I am so sorry, Eric.

No advice, but enormous amounts of empathy for what you and your wife are going through right now.

This hurts.

[One of the scariest, most bewildering times in my life was when I had to pick up the phone and PLEAD with the local police department to PLEASE!!!!!!! come and arrest my father because he was trying, repeatedly, to murder my aunt's husband. He DID physically injure my mother so badly that she had to be taken to the emergency room, and she died, partially because of her injury, a couple of days later. He also, in his alcoholic rage, physically threw me across the room into a wall when I was trying to protect my aunt's husband from him--and he had no idea that he was even doing it.

I really, REALLY feel for you.

I deeply understand how helpless this feels.

I am so sorry.]

I, too, am deeply sorry for the situation you are dealing with. I agree wholeheartedly with the advice given to look for help in dealing with this. You need a breather, you and your wife need a breather, and I can't help but think that your Mother needs a breather also.

Having been in somewhat of the same situation as you with my own mother, I believe it is doubly hard because the present situation brings up the past and you are buried under a double very smothering burden. I felt I had no one to talk to that could possibly understand the fact that I had these feelings of dislike, even hate, toward my depressed very negative Mother along with my deceased alcoholic Father - feelings that filled me with so much shame and guilt, and yet I was somehow supposed to shake off these feelings and be able to smile and deal with my struggling Mother.

I do think enlisting the assistance of someone who has dealt with such situations seems like an excellent idea and is definitely worth the try. Perhaps another avenue is talking with a counselor. In retrospect now I think either one of these steps could have helped me. I came to learn way after the fact in counseling that my feelings were not selfish or full of self-pity, but authentic, difficult, and challenging because if you grow up in a situation where you are starved for love and forced to be the grown-up when you are a child, it is definitely not healthy nor made-up and makes for very mixed-up family relationships.

Take care of yourself, Eric, and recognize please that what you are going through is tough (in my words, hell is what I went through). I thank you for your sharing and giving of yourself on this site which has been such a blessing in helping me find a voice. If there is anyway I can be of further help, I am here.

I wonder if putting her on a mild sedative type of tranquilizer as part of a daily routine would help her become less agitated and stop being verbally abusive toward others?

It would be prescribed by her physician, and administered by whoever makes sure she takes her meds each day. It's worth a try if it hasn't been tried already.

I worship with a retired school teacher who tells me that she used to get really agitated driving until she started taking a prescribed tranquilizer. It calmed her to the point where she no longer screams and rants at stupid drivers anymore. She doesn't even notice them.

I was going to suggest the medication route, if it hasn't been tried. It can get complicated with issues of consent, etc, but is a possible treatment modality that is (strangely) often overlooked by the pros in the equation.

My thoughts are with you, Eric. What a shame you've had this thorny problem to deal with life-long and improvement seems out of reach.

But there have been good suggestions from fellow RfMers and maybe one of them will be a good solution in your mother's case. You deserve some 'payback' from your dedication to providing RfM all these years. Maybe one of us can turn out to have returned the favour with a suggestion that can illuminate the situation. Your mom is lucky to have you still involved. I agree with the advice to protect yourself and yours.

All the best.

Eric,

I do not have any knowledge of your situation but am very sorry for it. It seems many people here are experienced with it and I am heartened that they will help you with referrals and with sharing their advice and knowledge. I'm glad you reached out.

When you said "It made me the ideal cult recruit. I joined Mormonism thinking it would replace a family I wished I had" wow that was me too.

I think those of us without supportive families are all the more rocked by the betrayal when the Mormon family does not pan out either. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I hope that you were able to de-stress a bit today, I hope that the people here have helped you and given you some avenues forward, and again, I wanted to thank you for the Board, which has provided me with answers to questions, viewpoints on the Mormon experience, and helped me immensely. I hope that in some small way we can return back to you all the help you have given those like me.

Take care, best wishes to you, your wife and family.

-Melanie

Eric all I can say is I’m sorry. My mother kept her filter for the most part, so just made her snide dementia exaggerated comments to us.

I agree with the advice to not take her in, change in location can be even more disruptive. An elder care advocate in Florida can work with the facility on your behalf. Start there.

Hugs my friend.

Eric K, Hugs to you and your family! So sorry to hear you are going through this.

This has been an interesting thread for me to read as suspect I will be in a similar situation soon with my own mother.

She has always been "difficult". It has only become worse with time. At age 11 & 9 my sibling & I went to live with our Dad & his new family. She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in her 50's. After that she "retired" and has lived in government subsidized housing since. She has had to move several times due to her temper and encounters with other residents. She has even been temporarily homeless a few times.

My attempts to visit her in person have resulted in unexpected violent bursts of rage with her bringing up grudges from things that happened when we were children. She has chased various family members (including me) around/out of her apartment and threatened to call the police. Gifts mailed have been sometimes refused and returned unopened. At times her and her therapist have put a lot of pressure on for her to come to this state to visit me. Unfortunately, due to past experience I am afraid to be alone with her. (Told them I feel like we get along better over the phone.)

Have tried to maintain a relationship over the phone which up until recently has worked pretty well. Anymore she tends to get angry at the drop of a hat and hang up or go long periods without answering the phone.

I get the feeling she is starting to get forgetful and have a hard time taking care of herself. Suspect she will soon be in assisted living. (Her and her sister used to be close but recently Aunt said she would not want to be any of the people who have to take care of her!) There are people from the county and/or state where she lives who work with her. They have told me she has told them she does NOT want them to communicate with her family members.

I love her and know that in her own way she loves me. Wish things were different. Wish I could ask her to come and live with me. Under the circumstances cannot even consider that option!

Good Luck to you Eric & Family-hope things work out as well as they can for everyone.

Gold&Green, you may wish to consult an attorney or elder care advocate as well. Your local community should have some sort of Department of Aging. I say this because assisted living is (AFAIK) only an option for people who can pay for it, and it is quite expensive. Nursing homes are only for those with a medical need -- being elderly and frail are not qualifying conditions. You will want to know what your rights and responsibilities are with regard to your mom. I found these things out when it came to my own mother's care.

Summer, Your advice is probably good. Those things certainly need to be dealt with at some point. I always enjoy reading your posts. You have a lot of wisdom.

When I read Eric's post this morning and wrote my own post is was more the emotional aspects that came to mind rather than the practical issues. Reading Eric's post reminded me of how confusing it was as a child (and a teen and a young adult and an adult) to try to bond with a mother who could not seem to love and accept her children in a "normal" way.

Had intended to just quickly sympathize with Eric & Family but ended up "venting".



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/24/2019 04:57PM by Gold&Green.

DH's mother, was a demon all his and siblings' lives. One day she demanded that he drive (a distance) to see her. When he got there, she was treated him horribly then gave him her usual time-honored silence treatment.

He told her wasn't going to be treated that way and left.

The next morning she was dead.

In ten years, he hasn't gotten over it. Lots of therapy.

She made sure her abuse lived long after she did.

Sadly, the situation with your mother will not have an easy solution. States vary on protocols so I'm assuming this will be in Florida.

1. Make sure you have an attorney well versed in elder care, guardianship, power of attorney, advanced directives, trusts, etc. Check this attorney's name out with the Florida Bar.

2. Just to be safe you might call Florida Adult Protective Services (800) 962-2873)to see if you can find a listening ear who can direct you to local elderly care resources.

3. Additional links you might find helpful:

https://www.flcourts.org/Resources-Services/Court-Improvement/Family-Courts/Guardianship

https://www.floridabar.org/public/consumer/pamphlet030/

4. Be careful if your mother has assets because some folks along the way may try to skim off some of what is yours. I've never used the services of online individual security to protect SSN, bank account numbers, Medicare, savings accounts, but you might double check.

I'm all for a good MD-psychiatrist to get involved because your mother might deteriorate into the anger/violence stage. She's already totally beyond logic and reason. Please don't feel guilty for saving your own peace of mind over this. Mother had her chance years ago. All the best!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/24/2019 06:55PM by cricket.

yes wow lots of good help and advice here! I have learned a lot!

I think I have seen commercials on tv offering nursing homes strictly for Alzheimer’s patients. Maybe a social worker should offer this. Then they all have the same issues and would be trained better to deal with it.

Eric, I am sorry that you and your family are having to go through this difficult time with your mother. Having been a resident of several Assisted Living facilities since suffering a stroke in 2012,I have witnessed others with severe dementia and the toll it can take on their families, as well as on the staff and the other residents. Many AL facilities have what are usually referred to as "memory care" wings, floors, etc. I might suggest that you look into other facilities that offer specialized care for Alzheimer's/dementia patients. Many do. Best of luck, and much empathy to you in your difficult situation.

My fiend's father had "MoreSo."

Her dad was a hugger all of his life. Toward the end he came down with MoreSo. As it was explained to her, the way one is as a younger person, they stay that way but even more so.

He became a more prolific hugger.

Is that generally the case?

Do mean people just get meaner? And the nicer ones stay the same or just get MoreSo?

Or does Alzheimers more commonly turn nice people mean?

Really need to know.

To the best of my limited knowledge, there's no way to predict, as it all depends on which areas of the brain that the disease attacks, and in which order. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I have not ever heard of a nasty person becoming pleasant, although they may rarely become quiet, at least for a period.

I'm fairly sure there's a national 800-number to call for information about Alzheimer's.

The guy I once knew, who was stealing sandwiches (etc.) from his kids, may or may not have had Alzheimer's (despite the fact that Alzheimer's is what his death is medically, officially, attributed to).

His widow would not allow his [postmortem] brain to be examined, so no one will ever actually know if he had Alzheimer's or not.

Deep into the process, but prior to his death, he did have some kind of "understanding," though he was bewildered by it.

When he was still living at home, before he became a resident at the Motion Picture Country Home, he would guide friends (etc.) over to where the file cabinets were grouped in his house--the file cabinets which held the manuscripts of the various stories, books, articles, screenplays (etc.) he had written throughout his career.

"....*I*....used....to....write....stories....like....those...." he would say, as he carefully and slowly pronounced each word, and pointed to the closed file cabinets.

He knew that he used to write stories (etc.), he knew there were manuscripts of stories in those file cabinets....but he had lost the connection: that HIS stories were in THOSE file cabinets.

Despite the fact that he was stealing food from his children, he wasn't, I don't think, intentionally being mean. He just thought he was being really clever, like he was playing a game with them, and it was a game that HE always "won."

(Also: I don't think he realized, at that point, that his children were HIS. I think, to him, they were just generic "children," from somewhere unknown, who happened to be eating at the breakfast nook in his kitchen.)



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2019 03:07AM by Tevai.

Even though she's mean and abusive, if she has dementia, she needs a dementia care specialist to find her something to do that brings her joy- be it painting, or drawing, or even using play dough or something!!! It would need to be an activity based on her interests.

This *could* potentially make a difference. See if there is an art therapist who works with dementia patients at the facility or somewhere nearby who could meet with her and develop a program for her, or if she could be transported to such a program.

Medicating people with dementia does not solve anger issues or people who are difficult at the best of times. It could be used to make them groggy. But what works quite well for them is specialized supervised activity - kind of like daycare - that is based on creativity.She may (although no guarantees) take it positively and become distracted with it, and perhaps even joyful with it.

Another tougher but less likely option is to arrange for her to go back to Finland - but would only IF there was a professional facility there that specializes in elder care/dementia which she would truly enjoy and has good professional staff involved in such activities. Maybe part of her anger stems from her missing her native home, although it may not be the only thing, it's possible. And maybe she prefers to be buried there, if that's part of what's eating her.

I've heard or read a while back that when a person with dementia participated in an enjoyable activity, they might not remember that activity minutes or hours later, but they usually continue to feel the mood they had while participating in the activity.

Also, I learned, from the wonderful director of the facility where I placed my dad, it's useless to argue or correct a person with dementia, but to, instead, agree with them and distract them with something else or a another subject.