Encouraged to post more, here is something that I wrote last year. I wanted to post it on the anniversary of my baptism, which I classify as one of the worst decisions I ever made in my life, but then I clicked 'Cancel', luckily I kept a draft.


I had been seeing the missionaries for several months. Many times they had challenged me to get baptized. I had always refused. They called me a “hard cookie”, but they never gave up on me, maybe because I fed them so often?! They even broke major rules to come and visit me: I was a young single woman, living by myself.

I wasn’t very interested in religion. Raised Catholic, I hadn’t had good experiences at church, and at 14 I stopped attending Mass on Sundays, and actually wasn’t even much interested in the question if there is a god or not.

But the missionaries were nice, cool, and handsome (at least some of them). I could practice my English with them, I enjoyed cooking meals for them, and we laughed a lot.

And so it happened that after a few months I accepted a copy of the book of Mormon and started to read it. Very boring. Then I noticed they had other scriptures, an Elder explained a bit about the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price, but said I couldn’t read them, yet. I insisted and eventually he lent me his “triple.”

It was a lot of weird stuff, which didn’t make much sense. Nevertheless I felt increasingly drawn to the missionaries. They seemed to be so nice, clean, and wholesome. I wanted to belong to a group of people like that, after unhappy and unpleasant experiences I had had in the past and at a time in my life when I felt very much alone. It didn’t matter that in my town there wasn’t even a branch, yet. It didn’t matter that the few people they had baptized until then were very strange people… Typical of me, at least back then, I followed my feelings rather than reason.

So it happened that after ten months since meeting the missionaries the first time, we agreed on a date for my baptism in August.

I think I hadn’t really had the kind of conversion that some people experience. But I had a strong feeling that this was the right thing to do. If I were able to take this step and be baptized, HF would have blessed me with increasing faith. But I didn’t tell anybody about my decision. I didn’t talk to my parents about it. I didn’t talk to my few but dear friends about it. It was as if on one hand I felt I had to do it, but on the other it also felt like a damn weird thing to do, being baptized in another church.

August x, 199x was a hot Saturday. We had to travel by train to another town, where there was a chapel with a baptismal font. It was still a time in Italy when towns virtually closed down for the summer. On Saturday afternoons shops were closed, people were at the seaside on vacation or just stayed at home, with shutters closed to keep cool. The streets were empty, and the asphalt was melting, as I walked to the train station with the missionaries.

But in XX the whole branch was waiting for me. It was my first time among so many members, and it was for my baptism. I didn’t like to be at the center of their attention, I remember I could only look down. It felt all so strange. First I had to be interviewed by the Zone Leader. He closed the interview saying that there would be angels that day at my baptism. It made me laugh, but he really meant it!

I wished I had run. I was so confused. But I didn’t have the courage. So I went into the water. Didn’t feel anything. I was confirmed and received the Holy Ghost. Can’t remember a word of it.

I was happy when it was over. Afterwards we went for a walk through town, two missionaries and I, the other two missionaries had caught an earlier train. The city, one of the most beautiful in the world, if I can say it, was full of tourists, and I remember the missionaries removing their name tags. I have pictures of that day. I don’t look particularly happy.

Why did I do it?! Lots of reasons, lots of excuses. Days later I was already feeling doubts and I thought it was because the missionary who had baptized me had broken some serious rules days before my baptism, travelling outside the mission boundaries and even getting one ear pierced! I had been baptized by an unworthy missionary, an ominous sign, maybe?!

But the reason for my doubts wasn’t the disobedient missionary. The love bombing I had been receiving by the missionaries for so many months was making me almost blind to the incongruences and nonsense of the doctrines, I almost saw something, but was somehow blinded.

So that was my baptism on a hot Saturday in August, an anniversary I do not celebrate, but a date I cannot forget, because I still pay for the consequences.

But this image is shallow and falls apart once they've baptized someone. Sadly, it takes real courage and personal integrity to see through the scam and leave. You were brave to take that step and earn your freedom. Well done.

Cheryl, I actually wasn't so brave. It took a long time to acknowledge that I had made a huge mistake, and that my doubts weren't due to my lack of faith, but to the church not being true.

By then I was in a very delicate situation, which I wasn't able to tackle promptly. My integrity suffered, for the well-being of my family, and the relationship with my TBM husband is still strained to this day.

But this will be the subject of another story.

I watched converts for years where I went to worship as a TBM get love bombed into TSCC. Then afterwards they were pretty much forgotten and neglected by the same people who'd courted them into TSCC. It was dehumanizing to say the least. The missionaries came and went on rotation. The members were left to their usual backbiting, gossip mills, and trying to outdo each other at ward gatherings. The women were the worst I noticed. Very petty, insecure, and jealous. That was after I moved to the East Coast from the West that I observed these patterns in the local branches and wards where we attended. It was around the time I began to outgrow the mental prison of the Mormon cult I'd been raised in. If not for some of those experiences I might not have left. It rattled my testimony way before I learned about the actual history that wasn't taught to us growing up in Sunday School and Primary.

Amyjo Wrote:
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> The missionaries came and went on rotation.

Yes, I had no idea they would just be here and then gone.

> The women were the worst I noticed. Very petty, insecure, and jealous.

I would be really interested, Amyjo, if you ever wrote about your experiences with this. It was such a shock to me, I am very well respected at my workplace and then to come to TSCC and be treated with disdain, hostility, dismissiveness, I had never been around anything that cruel in my life.

Thanks for your sharing, so I know it happens to lots of people.

I, too, was baptized in the month of August.

These days I celebrate the number of years since I resigned. Once I have reached more years of my life OUT of Mormonism than in, I plan on having a little celebration and then I'll switch to just plain forgetting the whole experience. Right now I refuse to turn my back on the depraved organization that continues to prey on my friends. Thankfully, my whole family is out.

Thanks for sharing. This is such a good story because it shows the missionary experience in a foreign country (I'm assuming European) for what it normally is from both sides--the missionary and the convert.

The missionaries are so desperate to baptize. They need to be able to feel like there's a reason they are spending two of the most formative years of their lives doing something that feels like a total waste of time. They need to be able to write home and have positive news. They need to talk themselves into believing that they were inspired to find someone.

They look for vulnerable people. They don't do it to be tricky or manipulative. They just know they type of person who is likely to listen to them. They look for people who are maybe alone, new in town, needing friends, etc. And when they find them, their training kicks in. They sell it. And if they've found someone vulnerable enough, they'll buy it. They give you the rosy picture of what it COULD be. That picture comes from their upbrining in Utah or another large ward somewhere else. It's THEIR experience with the church that they think they are selling other people on.

They don't even get it themselves. They have no frame of reference for what it's like to grow up in a foreign country, without any real religious roots, and to realize you're now expected to help build this weird organization that makes no more sense to you than a hippie commune would to them. They don't understand that you didn't have some super-duper spiritual experience that would make you want to put in the effort.

They leave the area, they hear later that their convert has gone inactive and they find ways to justify to themselves that they nevertheless did a good thing. They gave you a chance. They saved you. But they didn't. All they really did for you is help you find a judgmental community that in the long run will only leave you feeling bad about yourself.

So glad that's all behind you.

Thank you, lachesis. It's almost all behind me - I have a very TBM husband, but there is still a lot of bitterness. In the church I felt bad, because I thought I wasn't good enough, I wasn' faithful enough, I wasn't getting spiritual experiences like the ones other members were talking about. Now I feel bad about myself, because I wasn't able (or didn't want) to see the warning signs before getting in the water.

I was the only baptism of "my" missionary. In the very early 90s. Several missionaries went through their whole two years without baptizing. It must have been very hard on them.

They were nice and funny and I liked to spend time with them and cook for them. Most of them came and go, but some became friends and we met again after their mission.

I think I was an unconventional convert and they could feel more at ease with me.

lachesis Wrote:

> They look for vulnerable people.

Oh man, I sometimes feel so stupid, so fooled. I am generally regarded a smart person, but I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

> They look for people who are maybe alone, new in town, needing friends, etc.

Ouch, yep. That was me.

Sometimes I just feel really really naive, or stupid, or gullible. But I'm out now and NEVER going back!

mel Wrote:
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> lachesis Wrote:
>
> > They look for vulnerable people.
>
> Oh man, I sometimes feel so stupid, so fooled. I
> am generally regarded a smart person, but I fell
> for it hook, line, and sinker.
>
> > They look for people who are maybe alone, new in
> town, needing friends, etc.
>
> Ouch, yep. That was me.
>
> Sometimes I just feel really really naive, or
> stupid, or gullible. But I'm out now and NEVER
> going back!

It wasn't just you, mel. Some of us growing up in the church kept waiting, working and trying to make real church friends. It comes from the need to fit-in or belong. My Mom always made excuses for these church acquaintances' coldness and rejection. I was forever told that the church was perfect, but not it's members. I am bit pressed for time, but I'll write another one of my experiences a little later. I don't want to hi-jack this thread.

messy, thank you for writing and yes, please write more. If you have any more examples to add to refusing you help after your house fire, I will brace myself to hear them, secure in the knowledge of this perfect ‘church’.....

Well, of course it's a pattern.

You were love-bombed by the Mormons who always need more free workers and $ payers for their cult.

Glad you saw the light and got out.

They are sincere in their delusions. It’s slim pickings out there. Missionaries take what they can get, which means boiler room sales tactics.

It could have been worse. You could have wasted years of your life, had your happy home torn apart, and had your life turned upside down.

Yeah, Mormons. So fake they don’t even know it. Self delusion is not your friend. Facts actually do matter.

May I ask which native language you speak?

Your writing in English is very smooth and easy to read.

Messygoop, my native language is Italian. Thank you!

Thank you for your baptismal story. I wish it had been my story. I was baptized when I was 12. My family was "golden" so the ward really made sure we had a good experience and stayed. Families were assigned to us and invited us to activities on the weekend. Missionaries visited us frequently for years. They wouldn't leave us alone. We stayed.

I went on a mission. Your story strangely is similar to how I felt after the only baptism I participated in. The investigator was great. He had read the book of Mormon and had lots of questions. After more than a year he was baptized. It should have been the best day of my mission and the other missionaries who taught the man. But there was a weird somber feeling. The missionaries seemed to be depressed. I didn't understand why. I was expecting the Holy Ghost to fill us with happiness, but there was no feeling of joy. Nothing. Now I know why.

Ty,

Thank you for your story, much resonated with me. I also thought the Missionaries were so wholesome, so sincere, I wanted to be part of their community. I didn't tell anyone about my baptism, either. Was surprised that there were refreshments and a party atmosphere afterwards. They made me feel so special (that day!) alas it didn't last.

As Lachesis said, little did I know they were looking for the lonely (I had moved here for a job, didn't know anyone) and vulnerable.

I enjoy your stories very much. Thank you.

I now feel real remorse for the people I influenced to join the church when I was a missionary. I transferred out of an area in Japan a couple of weeks before a friend I had taught got baptized. I saw a picture of her from that day and she did not look happy at all.
I did "lose" the contact information for another friend I taught the lessons to... he just wanted to hang out, and I didn't want him to be hassled by other missionaries.
Subconsciously, I knew that some people's lives would not improve by them joining.

Mel wrote: "I am very well respected at my workplace and then to come to TSCC and be treated with disdain, hostility, dismissiveness, I had never been around anything that cruel in my life."

That was my experience, too. I am the sole support of my children, and I work very hard, and spend the rest of my time with my family. This has been a labor of love, and I am very happy in my life, and relieved to be free of my abusive husband. My career is very gratifying, as I love to help others, and I also make more money than two of my last bishops did. I think those men enjoyed putting me in my place, as a woman who was "nothing" without a husband. My children were often bullied by the Mormon leaders, because they had no father to protect them. (Well--my children had ME and the POLICE!)

Sundays were unbearable. I went from a well-respected, competent, happy leader at the office, to a mousy, second-class citizen, a zero, in the Mormon community. I was only good for my callings, as an organist and pianist, and a Sunday school teacher. Instead of being able to help others, I was told what to do, what music to play, and was forced to behave like a robot, while the Mormons took my money and tried to bully my children into feeling bad about themselves and our family. (The Mormons labeled us as a "broken home")

At work, I have clients THANK ME for my services. They compliment me. I encourage them, and it means something to them. The atmosphere of the office is busy, but alive with hope, success, kindness, helpfulness, good manners. I actually have FRIENDS! We get together outside of work. We go to lunch. We have been in each other's homes. We laugh and joke with each other. People are honest (we sometimes have to force them to be) and our work is real. We have each other's back, and operate as a team, even in our individual projects. I bring home a paycheck. Whatever work is--the Mormon cult was the exact opposite.

After church, I would have to go to bed for 20 minutes, to recuperate from the Mormon despair, and from being lied to and treated like dirt. Then, I would get up and make a fresh start for the rest of the day, and for the work week. I'm so glad I don't have to do that anymore. We didn't need that added-on, made-up, unnecessary Mormon adversity in our life.

If I hadn't had my job in the outside world, Mormonism would have probably led me into a hopeless state of depression and self-loathing. Who knows what damage it would have done to my children....

Tyrrhenia--don't ever say you are not brave. You are! You have saved yourself, and your future children. It takes real courage to leave that cult. You have the strength to keep your marriage together, in the middle of all of this. Good for you!

Your story is interesting, and meaningful to me. Messygoop's story would be interesting, too. It's a relief to know I'm not alone.

Stay away from that "cancel" button!