So I left the Mormon Church recently for many reasons. Part of it was its stances toward sexuality, others were about the history, and in general its closed ways of thinking. I had to fake my faith my last semester at BYU to keep my academic eligibility, and am transferring to a state school now.

Ever since I got back and it became apparent to the local wards I wasn't there, they have been bugging me about going back to church. Multiple people have hit me up on my phone and some have even knocked on my door.

I still consider myself a Christian, and respect all religions/philosophies. I wonder, how can I stop feeling so alone? How do I fight the temptation to go back into my comfort zone of the Mormon church, even if I know it is not helpful in my personal development and is against some of my core beliefs?

Hi, and welcome.
I left about 14 years ago. I had lived in Provo and thought the way Mormons treated me was horrible. I was a member, but didn't go on a mission.
I hated the way RMs treated non-RMs. There was a sense of elitism that grated on my nerves. The smug arrogance that young men had when they started every sentence with, "When I was on my mission..." and then went on to tell a story that had nothing to do with being a missionary.
It was their way of virtue signaling.
At any rate, I left officially by sending a letter to church headquarters.
I worried about what would become of me. I thought I'd be lost.
But I found life to be much more fulfilling. My life got better. I got into a new relationship. My career is going well. And I've got great friends around me.
I, too, did not like the Mormon church's stance on sexuality. It's unrealistic and oppressive.
Good luck to you. I have found some awesome people here. I visit every once in a while.
Best of luck to you,
T-Bone

Thank you :)

I'm not sure when I'll get to the point to notify HQ, but I definitely do feel the need to separate. That's exciting to see your growth.

Although I, personally, don't have the experienced and helpful advice which will be coming along soon (I am one of the board's nevermos, there are a few of us among all the exmos), I do want to welcome you to RfM, bringemyoung.

We are happy you've joined us!

Welcome to the board! Like Tevai, I'm a nevermo, and a longtime friend of the board.

You always were alone, and I'll explain why. Most or all of your Mormon "friends" will drop you like a hot potato once they figure out that you are not coming back. That is not the measure of a true and loyal friend. Out in the non-Mormon world, religion doesn't carry that level of importance. I've gone for years before I ever ask friends about their religious beliefs. People will accept you regardless of your beliefs. They won't drop you if you change your mind or at some point in the future join another church.

Yes, you are lonely now, but in time you will make new friends. And those friends will stick by you. They won't harass you about going to any particular church.

You say that you have just recently left the Mormon church. Give yourself some decompression time, some time to heal. Mormonism is a high-demand, high-control religion. You need time to get comfortable with the new you apart from the church. Be especially kind to yourself on Sundays. Go for a walk or a hike. Try a new sport. Read a good book. Go out for breakfast. See a movie.

Start determining for yourself what makes you happy, instead of going by what other people think will make you happy.

You are in college, and that is an optimal time and place to make friends. Live in the dorms at your new school for a year if you are able. I went back to the dorms when I was a junior and met my life-long friends there. Join a club or two. Chat up people in your classes. You will be just fine. A new and welcoming world awaits you.

Please feel free to post whenever you wish. We are here for you in your transition.

Good advice, thank you. I have reconnected with non-Mormon high school friends, and religion isn't a dealbreaker like with my old Mormon ones.

I'll be commuting from home, but a club would be fun and just continuing to be open to new people is good.

Hello and welcome.

I had to resign from the cult to get them from coming to my door and harassing me and my family when we stopped attending.

It didn't stop them from interfering with one of my children nonetheless during that time and then years later out of retaliation and sheer spite and cruelty to tear apart our family.

Which I will never forgive them for.

If you have mixed feelings like I did in going back, take it from me and don't go. I did out of nostalgia when my parents died two months apart in 2000. It was the worst decision I have ever made. If I could take that back I would were hindsight 20/20. I resigned officially in 2005 because of their evil, dastardly deeds. It wasn't from the laypeople mind you. It was the Young Women leaders coming between me and my daughter. And the bishop and his wife. She came to my house and assaulted me after we stopped coming prior to our resigning because I'd pulled my daughter out of the classes after I learned of their deception. The day after the assault is when I resigned.

Six years later the same bishop and wife harbored my daughter, by then a college graduate, in their home secretively from me while my daughter prepared for her move overseas. My daughter had an emotional breakdown while away at college, and instead of them trying to help facilitate a reunion between us did everything in their power to tear us apart. How evil is that? They were still retaliating from what had happened years before when we resigned because of their duplicity while my daughter was a junior when they were hiding her mail from me behind my back.

Mind you, it was the same bishop who used to ogle my daughter when we went to church meetings because she was very pretty to look at. The thought of her living with him and his wife for six months IN SECRET sent shockwaves through me. I wasn't supposed to know. I found out from hiring a private detective.

That sounds insane. Is your daughter still involved with the church? Is she ok? (If it's too personal, don't mind answering).

Often, leaders feel they can get meddled in family stuff because they think the church supersedes boundaries people set for their families. You know that better than me.

I used to resent my dad because I felt he wasn't active enough and didn't have a recommend. This was because the church encouraged me to feel that way. Now I understand why he did that :)

As you decompress, you’ll notice something strange about Mormon friends. Their friendship is conditional because their religion makes them that way. It took me a long time to come to this conclusion because I re-thought it so many times. I didn’t want to believe it, but Mormonism kills natural empathy. It turns normal people into assholes. If you hang out on this board, you’ll see that this empathy comes roaring back once you leave.

Most of my friends are non-Mormon now. Buddhist friends are especially nice. Heck, nice enough to go to their temples. No, you don’t need a recommend.

Yeah I found trouble supporting a big church because every one of them had a crazy history. Buddhists really don't - that says something...

I like smaller non-denominational churches too because most haven't had crazy histories.

Why? Because almost everyone here has been in your situation and can relate and there are hundreds of us reading your words and sending our good wishes.

You were very brave to leave and seek freedom. Well done.

Don't go back. That's a short term measure for a long term problem. That empty space is temporary. It will take time to feel comfortable without the fake mormon friends and mindless activities that used to fill your time.

There's no need to rush recovery. It will happen in good time. Try to be patient and try to be open to new experiences and friends. I suggest you don't rush out and join another church right away. When you're ready, you might like to visit a variety of churches until you find one that fits for you.

As for the mormon harassment, don't invite mormons into your home. Tell them to kindly give you space and privacy. Don't explain and don't feel guilty if they whine and cry about missing you or loving you. Those tears and testimonies are largely fake and meant to manipulate you.

Officially resigning usually eliminates most of the unwanted contact. In the meantime say, "Sorry, I won't be talking to you and I won't be inviting you in. Goodbye." Close the door and go about your business.

In other words, cut them off!

Good luck.

Fake friends and mindless activities. Well said!

And my mother invites them into our home since I moved back in to save some money. She is not super active, but she likes her visiting teachers. She did say it was out of place for them to come over unannounced and knock on our door, so I appreciate her support in that.

I used to play some church basketball even after my departure, but I don't even feel comfortable doing that anymore. If I come across a leader or someone I get harassed.

bringemyoung Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I still consider myself a Christian, and respect
> all religions/philosophies. I wonder, how can I
> stop feeling so alone?

Have you tried another organization? I don't think if you have core beliefs that don't match with Mormonism that you would even feel comfortable there anymore.

I still need worship just not as a Mormon. I found kindred spirits elsewhere, anywhere besides there.

I agree with you, Amy. I'm trying out some local churches, but not rushing into things or being overzealous about religion like I once was.

The usual advice on this board is to give organized religion a breather after you initially leave the Mormon church.

If you feel compelled to go, don't join anything right away. Go "church shopping." Try on a lot of different churches for size. Keep in mind that some independent churches can be just as strict and controlling as the one you just left.

In other Christian churches, no one should be hounding you about joining right away or being baptized. If they do, that's a signal to run.

There are worse things than temporary loneliness. I'm not being unsympathetic, but you are recovering from brainwashing, too. You have been brainwashed into thinking that Mormonism is a support system. It is not. When I was able to look at "The Church" objectively, I realized that the friendships were fake, and the sense of belonging was contingent on absolute obedience. When I became seriously ill, and could not play the organ for a few months, the Mormons actually gave me a hard time, and threatened me that I would get sicker, and would fail in life, if I quit my callings, and stopped paying tithing for those months I was not earning any money. They told me to pay tithing, anyway, and go on welfare. I was the sole support of my children, sick and in pain, alone in the world, and all the Mormons did was make things WORSE! I was never lonelier than when I was inside of Mormonism.

Congratulations on following the Truth! Eventually, you will find that losing Mormonism doesn't create a "void" in your life. Instead, it opens the doors to the abundance of life. You will find life to be an adventure! Discovering other religions, as some posters mentioned, is part of the adventure. Re-discovering childhood talents and interests can be exciting. There are so many new things for you to try!

You will find real LOVE in the world outside of Mormonism. Normal people are more genuine. Russ Nelson and the Mormons do not believe in unconditional love. Normal people don't have to be "intimate" with everyone, like the intrusive Mormons demand you to be. You don't have to interview anyone about your sex life, you won't be inspected to see if you match their dress code, or to see if you are wearing the right underwear (good God!), or if you attend all the meetings on time, etc. You will not be put on the spot to make excuses why you won't donate 2 years of your life for a mission, or why you decide to have only one child. Your new friends won't make demands on you, and require accountability if you prefer to do something else other than what they tell you to do. Real friends will value your opinions, instead of tell you what to think. Mormon "friends" to me, were no more than acquaintances, less than business associates. In the outside world, the average man has 1-2 real friends, and the average woman 3-4, not an entire building full of invasive, judgmental snoops.

The Mormons WANT you to feel "lonely" and excluded from the group, so you will want to return to the fold. This is why they shun those who leave. I suspect you are being shunned right now, right? Would you really be "tempted" to return to a group that is cruel enough to shun you and harass you?

The Mormon priesthood leaders came into my house, on several ocasions, while I was away at church, and assaulted my pre-teen boys, who had fallen asleep, instead of going to church. The men threw them out of bed and onto the floor, kicked and shoved them while they got dressed, and kicked them down the stairs and into their van, and drove them to church. They also did this to other kids. Every one of these men were promoted, over the years, up the ranks to bishop, stake president, mission president, temple president, and one is a Seventies. The bishop's creepy older son tried to molest my little girl, while she was asleep in her sleeping bag at a church campout. There were witnesses. These thugs always threatened the kids not to tell about the abuse, and I didn't find out about any of this, until several years later. When my kids finally told me--boom---we were OUT in 2 minutes, and never went back!

Am I lonely for these people? Do I miss the abuse, doctrinal lies, fake history, money-grabbing, their polygamous heaven and depressing pholosophy?

If you ever really feel "the temptation" to return, don't be afraid to go back, because it will only confirm that your decision to leave was CORRECT in the first place. Now that you know the Truth, the Mormons can't suck you in.

Be warned that Mormons can hurt you, though, just like they hurt many of the people here on RFM. The cult breaks up marriages, turns children against their parents, and breaks up friendships. Too many of my own Mormon neighbors have "dis-owned" their own children, for not going on a mission, marrying outside of the temple to someone of a different race, for being gay, for getting divorced, and other reasons. This behavior is not Christ-like. Mormons might try to ruin your business, too. If you leave, they will gossip and spread rumors about you. I am lucky that I don't have to work with or deal with Mormons in my career.

Yes, Mormonism is a CULT. It's a cult.

It is a cult of hate, and "apostates" are at the top of their long list of people to hate. Because of the abuse and the lies, it was hard for me not to hate them, at first, and I was very angry, at first. That passed, but when the aggressive Mormons try to interfere and try to recruit my children and grandchildren, I get angry all over again.

I haven't even started writing about how the Mormons harassed us, when we first left. We left quietly, because I had become afraid of Mormons, but the men came beating on my door late at night, in groups of two and three. Well, I won't get started, except to say that they made our life Hell. They desperately needed an organist, then they demanded that give organ lessons, for free. They also wanted my children. Resigning, officially, put a stop to 90% of the harassment. Instructions on how to resign are at the top of this board.

Now we deal with shunning, but my children have great life-long non-Mormon friends, and I have old friends from childhood, and work colleagues, and we have ex-Mormon relatives, and we have each other.

Stay strong! For us, our worst day after quitting the Mormon cult is better than our best day inside the Mormon cult.

My advice to all evaluating or re-evaluating their relationship with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is that each of us must decide for ourselves our path in our own world.

Many here on the site have left. Some had an epiphany and realized our next step must be outside of the Church. Others could only leave after long and careful deliberations that we could not continue with the Church.

Others are searching for how they can continue within the Church.

The key point is that we each have realized this through our own reasoning for our own reasons what our actions would be.

Some of us have left with a new relationship with God. Others have left without any desire for a relationship with God.

I was a member of the Church from 1979 until 2010. From ~1990 I realized that I required a relationship with God on my own terms.

I searched and researched for my way looking for what was true or false in LDS teachings. I discovered that some LDS teachings were damaging to me and my family. They were damaging to my self-image and serenity in our family life.

If the Church wasn't helping, my first inclination was to limit its influence over me and my family. When I resolved that it would be impossible without leaving the Church, it was time to resign.

Because my resignation coincided with my move to another province, it was a natural transition in my life. I never expect to look back at that life because it is literally hours away.

Hi and welcome. Congrats on some big steps you have taken. Changing schools will help a lot and will provide new opportunities to make friends and also to be free of the cult indoctrination that exists at BYU. Do take things slow, be good to yourself by getting exercise, some fun, good food and enough sleep.

Remember that you have been in a cult that demands obedience at every turn and has told you what you need to read, speak, do and think. It is your lovely turn to think for yourself, engaging in healthy critical thinking, which will bring you a wonderful new freedom.

Enjoy! Explore and explore some more! And please keep us posted.

If your christian in Utah it maybe more difficult. When I lived in the South there seemed to be a large Southern Baptist tradition. And everyone was baptist. I think a switch there would be easier. The West has been labeled heathen land by the evangelicals. It use to be you could drive 89 from top to bottom and never see a Christian church. What churches are around are little hokey one pony stops that just seem weird to me...

I don't know what's the best if your in Utah, maybe the catholics but then your dealing with the history of pedophile priests and the strange worship of virgin mary and her sister guadalupe the goddess, not to mention all the dead saints and their decreped body parts strewed around the place,

so I don't know what to say?

Thanks, I am no longer in Utah (thank god) and I will definitely not be Catholic for exactly those reasons. Non denominational churches are big here in California, so I am checking those out when I feel like it. Many people where I am at are also not very religious, and people don't label themselves primarily by their religion.

Bring em,

So glad you are in California. I grew up there and nobody talked about religion, you will be free there to form your own belief and find your own way.

Many good thoughts from others here. I was only in for 16 months as a convert so I can’t imagine how hard it is for you as a lifelong member to leave. But I too felt lonely and at a loss.

One of the hardest things for me to get my mind around was that they only pretend to be friends. They aren’t real friends. A couple things showed that to me. And what others said here too—- there is no community no belonging.

I hope you are doing well and enjoyed you day without returning. I have been out now for 3 months. Write often here, let us know. You can talk about most anything here not like at the church.

Stay strong. I am pulling for you.