The formative years mixed with the Mormon. Put it in pot and stir. Bake til the ingredients meld inextricably. Permanently? Do you ever leave it all behind? Do you ever have to stop managing it? Your newly cherished cognition in black boots with whip but still unable to tame the rest of your cells?

Seems so much of how I am now was determined by genes I was born with that gave me a unique propensity, and, the whole package that came out of mixing those genes with Mormonism.

Or would I have been this mess anyway all on my own sans the wonder of Mormonism? Are my worst mistakes the best things in life? Today I feel like Adam at the end, with the bliss and naivite/ignorance of Eden, or Mormonism, having become a dim memory and currently appreciating that the Lone and Dreary World was no curse actually the best blessing of all.

But lone and dreary world seems to be just that to Mormons.No wonder they want back in the fabled garden--now the CK--where lions lay down with lambs and can see those who didn't make it burning in the distance. I wouldn't want my heaven to have that view or even think that was happening out of sight. Punishment is over rated. Prisons should be schools with inspiring teachers.

Sometimes, at my age, the place I arrived to in life, decades and decades in, a pernicious introspection is becoming a plague as I question everything since all is too late to change. Some of me I like and some I don't. Can't stop assessing. The onus of old age?

I wish I could know that all my mistakes, even if I learned something valuable from them, could be forgiven. I don't care for blanket atonements by mythic creatures. I want the real deal that only anyone I wronged would give.

Done & Done Wrote:
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> I wish I could know that all my mistakes, even if
> I learned something valuable from them, could be
> forgiven. I don't care for blanket atonements by
> mythic creatures. I want the real deal that only
> anyone I wronged would give.

We all wish for that. It's impossible, of course, since time never stands still. All we can do is try to make the world a better place prospectively, to add enough things on the positive side of the ledger to produce a positive net balance.

That grows easier, perhaps, as we grow older and have more insight about what matters in life and what does not. For my part I think you have added great value on this website, more specifically for me in particular, and I feel confident you do that more generally in life as well.

I am proud to call you a friend and a role model.

We all have regrets and worries. I think that my early upbringing in religiosity within mormondom taught me a whole lot of crap. I was taught that obedience was the most important thing in life. That if I just followed the bretheren I'd be safe. So I followed the herd. I was told to jump through the hoops, go to school study worthless information, that a career would follow. To go on a mission and the world was desparate for mormonism, and that some wonderful girl would be waiting afterwards. To always be temple worthy and that leads to happiness... It didn't go over so well.

Well now I'm approaching middle age and am basically nowhere. No house, no worthwhile career, no family. Not successful in terms of the American-Mormon-Dream.

I also think that much of my regrets stem from the horrendous public education (and seminary education) I received as well. Public schools spend a lot of time hire full time counselors, and silly teachers, who don't do any counselling (by law), or teach anything of value. The most important subjects never get spoken of such as the reality of IQs. That conscientiousness can only takes you so far. What dumb people should do with their lives. How to make life decisions as a 17 year old when you don't know anything about the world of work.

After all the taxes I've paid and tithes I can honestly say that Public schools and Churches are to blame for most of my failures and regrets.

Lot's Wife writes the truth.

You have given much to us on RFM! I'm sure you have value to your family and friends, as well. As you have moved on from Mormonism, you have continued in your love of Truth, and your caring and helpfulness for others.

No, it is not too late to change; you are changing every moment.

You need to get rid of the Mormon myths that life is static, like something written in a book of scriptures. People can't be forced into a mold or stereotype. It isn't black or white. Mistakes aren't like a "blot" on your "record," to be removed only by baptism, or excommunication and re-baptism, or "repentance" or penance, or flagellism, or self-loathing, or paying lots of money to come church or other, or by doing weird rituals.

I believe in balance! We are human, and there is some wickedness in the best of us--look at a beautiful, lovable toddler, for example! We are not born in sin, however. Most mistakes can be made up for. Balance sometimes takes time to achieve. A great friend of mine is a surgeon, and he was lamenting about the patients that he could not save. We had to remind him of his wonderful career, in which he saved many lives. You are beating yourself up, just like the surgeon was.

Just don't do this to yourself! Mormon "humility" is sooooo overrated!

Done & Done Wrote:
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> Seems so much of how I am now was determined by
> genes I was born with that gave me a unique
> propensity, and, the whole package that came out
> of mixing those genes with Mormonism.

I don't judge you by the success you have in disentangling from those memes of Mormonism. The ExMos I admire most are the one for whom they can incorporate their Mormonism into a beautiful personality. I believe you have one.

Yes.

I appreciate this more than you can imagine. When I left Mormonism I had a terrible time fitting in anywhere now my Mormon facade was useless and would have panic attacks at parties even and finally realized years later I had been left with no personality and had better fix that pronto.

If there was no opening prayer and no jello I was lost, haha. I couldn't even get a garment feel up anymore.

I didn't work on anything I just opened up, read voraciously, quit judging (mostly) and explored. I finally realized that your mind is like a cake. The more ingredients you have, the more kinds you can make--to serve someone else. I have a special place inside for anyone who leaves Mormonism feeling a bit lost.

Done & Done Wrote:
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> I finally realized that your mind is like a cake.
> The more ingredients you have, the more kinds you
> can make--to serve someone else. I have a
> special place inside for anyone who leaves
> Mormonism feeling a bit lost.

Life without Mormonism is cake by the ocean. Glad you got away from their chapel oversweet cake. Cake by the stand is bland.

Wow. Thank you for the responses. I am touched and going beet red.
I was wondering who could relate or if I'm just overthinking it all. Sometimes life feels like a rip tide and just when you think you made some progress you feel like you got pulled back out to sea. What great insights----of course. Nice to be understood.

Yes, The Lone and Dreary World ... which so many of us crave.

Old age? Your writing suggests a youthful man, D&D. An older brother maybe—-one who clears a foggy window with the sleeve of his shirt, and lifts the little kids up so that we can see.

Thank you for this generous glimpse into your amazing mind.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/21/2019 07:53PM by kathleen.

Done & Done Wrote:
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> I wish I could know that all my mistakes ... could be
> forgiven.


That started me wondering: What is the most needful thing to humans? What do people crave? I used to figure it was love, security or recognition ... But if I could have one thing in all the universe, it would be Absolution.

nude is natural.

brrr-rrrr ...

being at least 1/2 Norwegian, I have lots of tolerance for cool temps, but naturists/nudists don't give up our common sense!

"If god meant for us to be nude, we would have been Born that Way"! (and, we were!!)

I've got a big chunk of Norwegian and a big chunk of Danish as well. When I first moved to SoCal from Utah I rarely even put a sweater on and used to sleep with the window open at 40 degrees. Now? I would swear this is Siberia in the winter. Haha.

If some God made us nude then luckily humans invented looms. The fig leaves were not working so well and animal skins sucked big time. I'm very happy to not be out trying to catch a beaver right now.

Imagine how excited I was to learn that my bio family is also hardcore mormon. I was born to be a mormon no matter what family apparently!

OMG! The double whammy! Lucky you.

Are both sets super TBM or are some more relaxed?

Done & Done Wrote:
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> OMG! The double whammy! Lucky you.
>
> Are both sets super TBM or are some more relaxed?

well, my bio mom could be put in the inactive category, but as far as the extended families go, I would say they're both equally TBM. Extended bio family has no idea I exist still. So it's been interesting.

And yes, I was adopted through LDS social services but I never really expected my bio family to be so knee-deep in the church still. Both families would get along great if they knew about each other lol! Let's put it that way.

Were you adopted through LDS Family Services? Or listed as "handicapped" because the birth mother insisted you be placed with Mormons?

I know one case in which the latter happened.

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/28/2019 12:53PM by cl2.