I know this topic has been done to death. I've even posted this question before, several years ago. But since the denizens of this board tend to rotate on a regular basis, it can be fun to hear new stories.


I'll start. In one of my old wards, we had a sovereign citizen type get up almost every F&T Sunday to spew his nonsense about income tax being optional, the gold fringe on the American flag in courts indicating the primacy of admiralty laws in the court, stocking up guns and food (Need I say he was also an end-times prepper?) and the Godly presidential candidacy of Bo Gritz.

My brother was telling me about this, and I didn't hear it myself, though I don't think he would lie about it. He's on his stake's high council on the central coast of California. He was assigned to oversee a ward that has a rather motley membership. There's an assisted living facility within the ward's boundaries serving individuals among the higher-functioning of those with intellectual disabilities. Diana, a woman from that facility, was baptized and confirmed, and two different men present (my brother was unsure as to whether either one was a member, or if one or both of them just followed Diana there) were vying for her attention and affections. Each of the men got up two different times during a single testimony meeting to convince Diana and the ward at large that they had more to offer her. One of the men was going to take a third turn, but the bishop decided to end testimonies for the day.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2019 08:00PM by scmd1.

"sovereign citizen type get up almost every F&T Sunday to spew his nonsense about income tax being optional"

Someone I went to college with somehow combined his Christian (non-Mormon) orientation with the "optional income tax" movement in his post-collegiate decades. He was sentenced to over a decade in federal prison, where he currently resides.

"I know Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God who sits at the right hand of God today. Not even Moses was greater than Joseph Smith." "Joseph Smith has done more to save the world than anyone except for Jesus Christ." ad nauseum

We worshiped Joseph effing Smith as members of TSCC. It was all about him. TSCC tries to fool others that they worship God and the trinity. If they did they would not place JS on a pedestal and worship him alongside and equal to deity. That is idolatry.

Today it is prophet worship. Members live on every word that comes out of those creepy apostles and Nelson's mouths. They lack the ability to think clearly for themselves or to be critical thinkers.

The brainwashing from the tiniest tots to the very elderly is what you hear audibly on F&T meetings. It is all crazy uttered nonsense and BS.

All I remember is all the blubbering.

That was why my stepmother stopped going to church when she did.

She dreaded the F&T meetings. The crying and weeping drove her crazy.

She was much happier staying at home watching tv, playing cards, cleaning house, going shopping, spending time with family, whatever.

I remember her joking once with someone at the checkout in the supermarket of the little country (Mormon) town where she and my dad lived that at least when they died they were going to be with their friends in the same kingdom where the sinners were because they had more fun lol.

Funny, but true, both my dad and stepmom I was given signs after they had passed that both of them were in heaven. They were happy, at peace, and together just like my dad had hoped they would be, sans temple marriage. My parents didn't get a temple divorce when they split. But TSCC can't bind in heaven what God can unbind. It was just more silly nonsense.

As far as F & T:

I remember tears, snuffling, wheezing, sobbing, etc - the full panoply of mormon theatrical "spiritchul" demonstration. That's all I got - most other memories have self-extinguished.

I remember a lady who told us how the Lord answered her prayers regarding what new car to get. She was inspired to get a new (not used) minivan.

The best was Elder Whittaker from my missionary days in South Dakota. He was an older single guy who was a descendant of Wilford Woodruff. He started reciting the temple ceremony in F and T meeting including the dialogue between God, Adam and Eve. He did a pretty damn good job of it, too. The Bishop let him go on until he was finished. Fortunately he didn’t recite the whole thing.

I probably posted this on an earlier thread of this topic. But it has stuck with me for all these years.

Back in the 60's when I was in high school, a gal got up and went on and on about how much she loved her husband, was so lucky to have him, yadda yadda yadda. Of course we all thought it was so sweet. within months, she ran off with her boss and they ended up getting married after divorcing their respective spouses. It was quite the scandal in our little town because he was the county assessor and very well known.

The ever increasing amounts of incestuous back rubs as the meeting progressed

I had forgotten about the backrubs! There was one couple that was particularly repulsive, and they would groom each other like monkeys. She would play with the hair in his ears, and pick at his bald scalp. They sat in the front, but I would adjust my position so that other heads would block the view.

When I was in grad school, I had a very intelligent boyfriend, who usually sat by me in sacrament meetings, in the student ward. Whenever a person would bear their testimony about their special significant other, he would whisper to me, "Here comes another break-up, just wait...." He was right! Those couples who blubbered about each other the most, would usually break up soon after.

The hamster story was the best. The family's pet hamster escaped from its cage, and the family had been looking for him for several days. Finally, the father and priesthood-holder had the family kneel in a special prayer, for God to help them find their hamster, and, lo! they found him in the basement, safe and well!

Next best was the parking-space testimony. The RS president, who was a RM, a former bishop's wife, and runner-up for State "Mother of The Year", said that God always had a parking space ready for her, wherever she went! I did go a few places with her, for RS, and--I swear to God--there was always a convenient parking space! The church is true!

The hamster story is cute, don't be so mean spirited. I'm sure the kids were over the moon at finding Hammy.

A woman in our ward would jump up just as the bishop was getting out of his seat to close the meeting.She would ramble on with all sorts of incoherent bs and extend the meeting by 10 minutes. One time I remember her saying “If you see a young man on the street smoking a cigarette , you should go up to him and pluck it from his lips”. Watching the bishoprick squirming in their seats when she did this was priceless.

I wonder if it would even phase that batty woman to tell her that to do something that nutty could be construed as an assault and she could be prosecuted for battery?

What a nut job !

About 20 years ago I went to a YSA 5 day youth hotel trip. Check in was in the morning and on the first day that evening they had a fireside with testimony meeting. A man got up and said.

"Yesterday I really wanted to by a candy bar from a gas station but I believe in keeping the Sunday holy. So I drove to the train station where they have vending machines with candy bars. Those candy bars get stocked not on Sundays. I used the vending machine and got my caay bar. I know that the candy bar only tasted that good because I kept the sunday holy".

My friend was sitting next to me and our eyes met I almost had to burst out laughing I don't think anyone can taste the different if the candy bar was stocked on a Sunday or not.

A woman in a ward I lived in during the First Iraq War mentioned that her nephew had been serving on guard duty somewhere in the war zone and noticed there was an Iraqi helmet lying near him on the ground .... he went over to it and bumped it with his rifle muzzle ( stupid, it could have been an IED) and a human head rolled out of the helmet ... and then she immediately ended with"Brothers and Sisters I KNOW THE CHURCH IS True" .... my 13 year old son looked over to me and said "WTF out lound" (along with everybody else in the chapel under their breath.) My six year old son told us when he got home he did not want to go to fast meetings anymore with the crazy people.

The mortgage reduction plan:

My wife and I bought our first home in about 1974, and there had been some kind of government plan that allowed for buyers to receive a tax rebate on their down payment.

For several months, Brother XXXXX got up in F&T meeting to tell us that since we received a refund, that we should be able to double our payment (of $100.00), each month to pay our mortgage off faster. Our mortgage was at least $250.00 …

Brother XXXXX was up on his feet each month telling us the exact math to use so that we could do that even quicker somehow. Not sure what his plan was by then, but someone in elders quorum said one time that his math was off and it wasn’t going to reduce it at much as he said. Not even close.

I wasn’t in attendance the next time but my wife was and she was friends with his adult daughter who lived with 3 kids in his basement apartment.

Apparently she got up that day and wanted to apologize for what her dad had been saying for several months; it apparently was bad math and our mortgage would never have gone down like he said. He was too embarrassed to admit that he was wrong, so he wasn’t there that day either

I was in the bishopric and the bishop really wished someone would have a revelation and end Fast and Testimony meeting. We jokingly called it open mic Sunday. It was always the same handful of off the wall people in the ward. One would go on and on warning the members of apostasy. Most the others would ramble on telling personal stories that had nothing to do with a testimony. The bishop would sit in his seat squirming uncomfortably and finally he would have to get up and tell the person thank you for sharing but we need to make time for other’s.

I don’t see the purpose of fast and testimony. People can bear their testimony when they give a talk. Also you can avoid the weirdos making those assignments. Fast and testimony borders in talking in tongues and snake handling.

Old joke.....there is nothing fast about F&T Meeting. It is THE
longest meeting of all.

And, I would be remiss if I let this time go to waste and not bear my testimony.....

I know, beyond that thar shadow of doubt that the MORMON church is a cult that has weirdos and creeps who feel for garments and others who want to sell you this and that or invite you over and over and over to come to their Toy and their Candle and their Tupperware Party.

And, I say this, you know I could say more, but this is it until the next time. Amen

Like Rubicon wrote, it was always the same handful of off the wall people in our ward, too.

We had the mother-of-12 doctor's wife who would say, "Here's the monthly update on our family...." She took up more time than anyone else.

A former bishop's wife would tell interesting stories about her travels, but from her idiotic viewpoint. One story I'll never forget was how she got separated from her husband, and lost in a crowd at a train station, and she had become frightened, so she prayed hard, until her husband found her. She said, "I had never felt so alone. No one could help me. No one spoke English. I was surrounded by a bunch of--Italians!"

Finally, our bishop had to announce from the pulpit that there were to be no more "travelogs." The travelogs were the best part.

Now, the church has flat-out told people what to say when they bear their testimony. Can you imagine anything more boring than everyone getting up and repeating the same thing?

Bring back the crazies!

It's the redundancy that has the effect of brainwashing. Imaging years and years of that programming and indoctrination drilled into young minds from infancy on, is it any wonder the children of the cult are so brainwashed that they don't bother to question?

The ones that do are the ones who end up getting flogged ie, shunned out of the cult. Or leave on their own accord once they realize the scam.

What a sham. But when you're brainwashed you see the world from inside out of the looking glass. It's no wonder it takes years to undo the damage a cult does to its victims.

It was sad because she had mental illness. A woman testified that Jesus was coming very soon and she was prepared. Suits for all the Quorum of the twelve and I swear she said she had cowboy boots ready too. There were a lot of scared children in the chapel.

We had one guy who gave his testimony every time and the bishop started to clamp down on him. He was the first up every time. It got to the point where the bishop would holdup so many fingers and the guy would hold up more fingers and the bishop would stick with his number. If the guy wouldn't agree, the bishop wouldn't let him give his testimony.

Then there was the guy who got up and said he felt it was inspiration that they had fast Sunday once a month as women had periods once a month.

The bishop's wife and the first counselor's wife always sat in the back of the audience at F&T meeting for this reason as they couldn't stop laughing. When the second story happened, they said to each other, "Whoops, the secret is out!"

You DID NOT want to bear your testimony in the singles' ward as only oddballs did in our ward. But then I never did get up and bear my testimony EVER.

Nice to see HELAMONSTER.

The crazy guy who had a fixation on his mother and stated on the podium how he would like to crawl back into her womb again.

Then he opened his suit jacket and it was lined with pictures of his dead mother, including a coffin.
No, I'm not making this up.

Missionaries really should be prevented from baptizing mental cases.

Elyse Wrote:
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> Missionaries really should be prevented from
> baptizing mental cases.


What is it with this board and mental health bigotry?

The Church can damage mental health. People with fragile mental health can be pushed beyond their limits without regard for consequences to them. People with mental illness can be discouraged from treatment delaying potential for recovery while they struggle against "sin" with only the dubious "help" of prayer.

Most people on the board see people with mental illness struggle when they join the Church. They just want acceptance while they seek positive help. They rarely find either within the Church, but in their desperation they will try the Church.

One Fast and Testimony Sunday a sister rose to speak. She spoke for the entire hour. People were spellbound listening to her testimony of how she was healed of a brain tumor by a priesthood blessing (and some skillful surgery).

Nobody even got up to follow this sister. Her testimony was that powerful.

She was so confident in her surgery and blessing that she had refused chemotherapy. Chemicals were unnecessary since her blessing was so powerful.

She died that afternoon. Her tumor had returned at an increased size. Never speak over time in testimony meeting.

What a sad story.

People think the church's hocus-pocus really works.

That's not what I mean. I regularly see mental health shaming on this board. Come on people, your friends, relatives and maybe even you will develop mental health issues at some point... You don't need (to have been) LDS to get that.

No one is shaming.
But smart people stay away from persons who come across as odd.

Wise up.
It pays to be careful, unless you want to wind up as skin for a lampshade.

Such people certainly should not be baptized by despeate mishies and be inflicted on the ward.

Mentally ill people are NOT harmless, that's myth.

Only if they are in a controlled environment where nice people in white coats insist they take their meds on time and call security as needed.

she saw the devil in front of her house in the gutter. Not sure what the lesson was in that. We would giggle and go back to passing time playing 'Hangman' with pencil and paper.

I'm probably outing myself, but two spring to mind:
(1) 18-ish always enthusiastic convert gal who every month couldn't wait to grab the microphone and spotlight:"Yabadabadoo, I know the church is true". (2) Matronly old-timer shared the miracle of finding the perfectly matching pattern of wrought iron fencing they had been searching for years to fix their existing fence, the week after finally making the decision to sacrifice and pay their tithing. Somehow they had just enough to afford the fence too. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

When I was engaged I attended my husbands home ward (he was a recently returned mishy & living at home at the time). Anyway, the bishops wife there was heavily into in Mary Kay and was well on her way to getting her pink Cadillac. Darn near every F&T meeting she'd dramatically cry and bear her testimony about how grateful she was to have the true church AND Mary Kay in her life.. lol Her husband didn't seem to have any issue with her recruiting attempts during sacrament meeting.

There was an older couple in our ward that were odd ducks to say the least. I had been to their house a few times with my mom to drop things off for relief society and saw the filth they were living in, and all the piles upon piles of hoarded junk they had. My own family was extremely abusive and dysfunctional but you could clearly tell something even worse was going on with this couple. The husband would regularly get up in F&T and carry on about government conspiracies, politics, space aliens, and such. He also had giant anti-government signs plastered all over the front of his house, in his windows, and all over the garage. I remember him being escorted away from the podium at least a few times, and heaven forbid he got the mic when they passed it around the congregation!

The wife had Epilepsy and was very quiet and mousy at church. Apparently she had seizures fairly often and always had bruises and the darkest saddest bags under her eyes. In the middle of one sacrament meeting she had a grand mal seizure a couple of rows in front of us. Instead of stopping the meeting to take care of her or call the paramedics, the meeting continued on as usual while everyone tried to ignore the commotion. Her husband tried to muffle the sounds (and I swear he was actually trying to suffocate her) by putting her in choke hold and holding one hand over her mouth, while pinching her nose, and trying to hold her head so far back I though he was going to break her neck. He was using all of his strength to try and hold her body still with his legs while smacking her face & punching her with his other hand. At first I thought he was to trying to wake her up but quickly realized he was beating on her because he was angry. The whole thing was about as effective at controlling the seizure as you can imagine. They were both flailing all over the place banging into the benches while he basically rode her like a bucking horse. As a kid it was scary to watch and I couldn't believe that not one person in the entire room tried to stop him from beating on her or do anything to help! After it was all over the husband got up and I thought he was going to help her out, but instead he marched up to the podium and went on a verbally abusive tangent about his wife. One lady in the ward finally ran over to help her out of the room while he went on and on about what an idiot & how worthless she was, and how much he hated her. He said the only reason she had a seizure was to get attention and sympathy from everyone. Saying it was all just a show and not even a real seizure so we should all ignore her. I kept waiting for the bishop to kick him out or do something but nothing happened. I think everyone was in total shock and disbelief at the whole thing. I felt so awful for that woman and couldn't imagine what she lived through on a daily basis or how badly he beat her when one was around. He had the perfect excuse for any bruise.

mahana Wrote:
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> Instead of stopping the meeting to take care of her or call the paramedics

Wow. A roomful of people who did nothing. Disgusting. Christian charity -not!

> I couldn't believe that not one person in the entire room tried to stop him from beating on her

There have been stories on the board of abuse being known about ignored but wow even right before their eyes!

> worthless she was,

Blame the victim typical domestic abuse situation.

Those studies of bystander inaction during emergencies are fascinating. Reasons why no one does anything. Some research, you are worse off in a large group because responsibility to act is diffused, everyone waiting for the other guy to “do something”.

When there is only one or two people you know you have to help or no one will. Still I would have expected more of a church group where there were leaders and authority figures present.

I read s book which interviewed survivors of shipwrecks and they observed that many people just froze and didn’t move while those who survived were running past them to get to the upper decks.


Sorry about your witnessing that as a child. :(

> Those studies of bystander inaction during emergencies are fascinating. Reasons why no one does anything. Some research, you are worse off in a large group because responsibility to act is diffused, everyone waiting for the other guy to “do something”.

> When there is only one or two people you know you have to help or no one will. Still I would have expected more of a church group where there were leaders and authority figures present.

> I read s book which interviewed survivors of shipwrecks and they observed that many people just froze and didn’t move while those who survived were running past them to get to the upper decks.


Thanks for your response mel! It is mind boggling people can be like that!! Maybe there was something like that at play.. who knows. I've been in a threatening situation, and I'm glad to know I'm not a freezer.. lol

I think the other big reason nobody did anything was because our ward consisted mostly of old timers and farmers. They grew up in a different world and thought a whole lot differently about abuse. If I had to guess I'd say at least 60-70% if not more of the men in our ward were abusive themselves.

I remember telling my parents to help her, but they told me to be quite because there wasn't anything they could do. Actually thinking more about it, I just now realized that everyone was probably afraid of interfering. That guy was a complete lunatic. I'd hate to be on his radar let alone a target of his!

The wife did pass away as some point down the road and they claimed it was due to her medical condition. I remember feeling sad for her but relived she didn't have to endure any more abuse.

mahana Wrote:
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>
> I've been in a threatening situation, and I'm glad to know I'm not a freezer.. lol

Good to hear, Mahana!

I worked a short stint as a paramedic and we co-Responded with the fire department to structure fires. We went into one college classroom, building fire alarms blaring, emergency vehicles pulling up outside and go into the classrooms and people just sitting there. You had to scream at them “get out now” to get them to move.

At the time I thought they were just stupid or waiting to be told but then I read that research and realized the “frozen” reaction. I am female so was hardly the most intimidating person but people did respond to being shouted at, which is why I am disappointed in the Bishop, as an authority figure he probably could have told the guy to stop and it might have worked.

However I think statically domestic abuse is the situation most likely to result in injury to anyone who intervened so maybe your parents were right to stay away.
>
> If I had to guess I'd say at least 60-70% if not more of the men in our ward were abusive themselves.

Yes a small farming community where women have few options and lots of kids may lead to more abuse as does, possibly, the structure of the church with the men in power.
>
> I remember telling my parents to help her, but they told me to be quiet because there wasn't anything they could do.

At least you did try! Good for a kid to do!!!
>
> The wife did pass away as some point down the road

Yes, how awful that the husband blamed her for her illness and that any visible injuries she had were blamed on the epilepsy.

If you feel like writing, what was the situation where you found out you are not a “freezer”?

I didn’t hear too much crazy but I did hear same old boring stuff. One time a member who had just returned with his family from one of the LDS 3-week tours of Egypt and the Holy Land got up to speak.

We were hoping he might say something about his trip. Nope. And he was the next week’s sacrament speaker and the Bishop even introduced him “he’s just returned from Egypt and may be telling us something about his travels” but nope, same old crap about the Atonement.:(

mel Wrote:
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>
> If you feel like writing, what was the situation
> where you found out you are not a “freezer”?


Didn't want to hijack so I started a new thread.. I'd love to hear any stories you have or anyone else wants to add too! :)

https://www.exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,2214452

The lady who always started her testimony “You all know I’m a drunk....”

Very nice old lady in her seventies, had a minor drinking problem.

We invited her to church, she drank a few shots of bourbon to give her the courage to come and we saw her walk her, had her sit down by us and whew you could smell the alcohol ... members were giving us dirty looks for inviting a drunk... she was so moved my the testimonies she jumped up and walked up to the podium and told the crowd she wanted to be baptized. I was trying to keep from laughing and then I noticed the bishop and his counselors were trying to keep solemn faces too ... we got dressed down by the relief society president the next sundsay.

We had a crazy Martin Harris type who kept telling us about his visions.

The funniest thing was screamed out by a toddler...he was standing in the pew in front of me and began rubbing his bottom on the top of the pew. This was enough to set off my friends and I, especially since it was right in front of our faces. Then he screamed at the top of his lungs "MOMMY, SCRATCH MY BUTT!!!!"...his mother was such a sweet, shy woman who always dressed like a pioneer. She was the reddest shade I had ever seen....somehow she got him to shut up but it was beyond hilarious!

we had a "sister" who got up every month to bear her testimony. The worst time though, was when she got up and asked everyone in the congregation to pray for her son and so and so's son that they would go through drug rehab successfully. Until that moment, no one knew that so and so's son had a drug problem or was in rehab! The parents of that son were sitting directly in front of us. They looked at each other, and the mom got up and walked right out.

Craziest thing I ever heard was - "I know this church is true"

Why hasn't anyone mentioned moms (rarely Dads) who whisper the 'testimony' into Johnny / Julie's ear, seeing the youngster wait for mom/dad to tell him/her what do say....


completely, 100% minus the least degree of spontaneity, all the way.


If that isn't happening any more, I might start back to church!


O wait, that was wrong.

Crazy end of the world stuff.

One guy took money from his retirement to buy a 2-story tent (not sure how that works) to live in because the end was near.

Seattle First ward, 70's:

A recent convert (cough) from JWism started telling JW stuff in his testimonkey; 'correct' name of Jesus, etc.

mic: OFF.
explaination -clarification from Bp: ON.

Nice young couple moved into the ward.
A few weeks later the parents visit.

During F&T meeting the father gets up and gives a long talk reciting all the sins the young husband had committed, and how great that he changed.

SMH.
Who does that,ruining this couple's new start in a new area.
Some people are beyond stupid.

Had to love the visitors who stood up condemning the waste of time by ward members like they were one of the General Authorities (like Oaks), They were often bossy and loud.

One time I remember a fairly new member's Mom doing this after there had been a loooong silence, and I watched as her son and his wife sort of melted into the bench. "I just can't understand how you can let this precious time go to waste." And yes, she talked about how nice it was that her son was a member of this ward (ah, whaaat did she even know about this ward?)

Is she your Mom? 'cause she's not mine!

Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall as they sat at the dinner table together after that meeting.

My pick for the a three-way tie for the top prize are.....



*****MOMMY, SCRATCH MY BUTT!!!"

*****A teenager uttering, "Yabadabadoo, I know this church is true".

*****The lady who always started her testimony "You all know I'm a drunk...."

I have such a weird story. This was only a few months ago, too.

Someone got up to talk about the sanctity of life during their testimony because they were excited about the birth of their granddaughter, but I already knew it was going to go off the rails because this person is really...er...opinionated about certain issues.

He then veered off into a bizarre screed about how California passed a law that legalized euthanasia even on people who weren't terminally ill. And he said if a mom didn't want her child, she could have them euthanized from newborn to about 2 years of age.

It was amazing. But kind of scary, because there might be people in the ward who took him seriously.

Many years ago, while visiting the Toronto 1st Ward, as it was called back then: "The thing is that I know I'm not worthy to date all of these lovely Daughters of God. I masturbate."

Greyfort Wrote:
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> Many years ago, while visiting the Toronto 1st
> Ward, as it was called back then: "The thing is
> that I know I'm not worthy to date all of these
> lovely Daughters of God. I masturbate."

Wow! That must have been a shocker!!!