Loved this article that someone posted on FB today:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/the-funeral-as-we-know-it-is-becoming-a-relic--just-in-time-for-a-death-boom/2019/04/14/a49003c4-50c2-11e9-8d28-f5149e5a2fda_story.html?utm_term=.024cbd3d8626&wpisrc=nl_most&wpmm=1

What about Mormon funerals. They are THE WORST! They are specifically meant to be a time of preaching rather than celebration of a person's life. And if you do talk about that person, it's always in the context of what they did in the church. You have all that production with the corpse, from expecting the family to dress it (No thank you! That's why you pay the funeral home the big bucks) to all the rigamaroll with closing the coffin and procession into and out of the chapel, and all. Everything centers on the corpse and the church.

But I do know that some mormons are starting to buck it a little and doing their own thing. I saw a link on FB to the video of the funeral of a founding member of my home ward. First off, there was a video of the whole thing--I think that's frowned on in chapels. But they specifically didn't hold it at the church, but at the funeral home because they wanted to do some things like show recorded videos, talk mostly about the life (not just church life) of the deceased and make it more of a celebration. I wondered if this is common.

In the last 5 years, I've also attended 2 Catholic funerals and 2 Black/AME ones. They are always casket funerals. The Catholic masses are better than Mormon ones, but still stiffling. A good Black funeral is a preach-a-thon, but at least can be some good entertainment and usually have good music.

Other than those, most of the memorial services I go to now really are celebrations of the person's life. Some have been very creative. All are cremations. Yes, there is always sadness, but it's nice to go away feeling like "Wow, I am so lucky to have crossed paths with that person in this short life." Nice to read that article and see that it's becoming more popular to do your own thing.

I attended a SoCal High Desert evangelical side-show church funeral some years ago. The corpse on display was a golf buddy. It was come as you are. Because of my mormon point of view, I wore a suit and tie. The only other person wearing a tie was the preacher, and the tie went well with his Levis. Man of the people and all, you know.

I don't remember anything about the preaching. It was open casket and at the conclusion, there was an invitation to pass by to pay last respects.

Some of the other golf buddies with whom I was seated did go up to do just that. I didn't and didn't think ol' Moser would be upset.

As I sat there, waiting for those guys who went up to return, I noticed two very healthy young blonde women in the pay-your-respects line. They were both in jeans and tank-tops. And one young nubile's tank-top was an homage to AC/DC, whose name was on the front.

On the back of her tank-top it said, "You shook me all night long." Now I took that as a tribute to the deceased and was jealous of the fact that nothing remotely resembling that will be happening at my funeral.

How true is it that the turn out at your funeral is a reflection on the kind of person you were? Does a higher attendance figure, say of 250, mean that you were a better, more worthy human being than the corpse who only draws 20 people? And if you can get the SP to preside, does that grease your way into the CK?

elderolddog wrote:


> How true is it that the turn out at your funeral
> is a reflection on the kind of person you were?
> Does a higher attendance figure, say of 250, mean
> that you were a better, more worthy human being
> than the corpse who only draws 20 people?

I'm hoping to outlive everyone who might have wanted to attend my funeral.
I only plan to do hauntings of those who preach 'plan of salvation' at the event.

One of my friends wanted everyone to wear bright colored boas to her service. Michael’s must have sold out of their stock that week. She was well known in the city and the service was packed. And there were so many colorful boas that it looked like the set of Sesame Street.

Was the bishop annoyed? Did he say anything? Cuz far as I know, boas are not mentioned in the plan of salvation!!

It was a Unitarian Universalist Church. The minister had on a rainbow boa.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2019 08:38AM by NormaRae.

Them Unitarians kinda know how to do everything well.

In my case, any attendance over 5-6 people will only show that my wife was (currently, is) a better, more worthy human being than me, and that the excess attendance are mourners turning out on her behalf, not mine.

My parents had their's at the funeral home, but my mother's was supposed to be graveside, but it snowed that day, so we had it at the funeral home. My dad told us to do the same thing for his. He died 2 months later.

My boyfriend's dad didn't have a funeral. They had a party to celebrate his life. He was cremated. He didn't have an obituary for many reasons, one being he didn't want his mormon distant relatives to do his work.

I told my kids I'd like them to see me dead. It helped me to see my parents dead, believe it or not. I was afraid to, but then it did help me. They are only to invite a very few to the graveside and they know who those people are. No obituary. I've never liked being the center of attention even dead. Buried in jeans and turtle neck. No temple clothes!!!! Even my TBM daughter knows that. If I felt like I could stand to be cremated (I know, I'm crazy for caring), I would want my ashes spread on my dogs' graves in my back yard. I wish I could be buried where they are.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2019 08:04PM by cl2.

You are perfectly ok to say you don't want cremation. The point is, we should be able to let our loved ones know our wishes. And there is often a family viewing before cremation, some people choose to do it that way.

My father was talked into telling my mother, who lives in California, that he wanted to be buried in Utah. This was after I saw him tell her, months earlier when he thought he was on his death bed, that he was fine with what she wanted--for them to be buried together in a beautiful national cemetery close to where they lived. It's so sad now that my mother can't go visit his grave. I felt so badly for her the last time I was there when she was telling me, through tears, how badly she wished she could do that. But he was the boss. Period. She never had any say in anything, so it just couldn't sink in to her that she had the right to make that decision.

But since she did insist on having the funeral in the ward they'd lived in for almost 60 years in California, the coffin had to be driven to Utah. To avoid the expense of flying it there, my brother got a permit to drive it in his suburban. Of course, they didn't want to leave it in the parking lot of a hotel or carry it in, so they decided to take Dad camping. As much as I hated that they were doing the whole Utah thing to my mother, as long as they were, I thought the camping thing was so cool. Dad's last camping trip. And he would have loved it. They parked the back of the suburban next to the fire and opened the doors so the flag-draped coffin, my brother and my nephews could sit around the fire and they could tell funny grandpa stories. Then the next morning, my sister-in-law's brother, who is a member of the SLC Patriot Guard riders, met them with several harley-riding members bearing flags, to escort them to the veterans cemetary in Bluffdale. So at least that gave my mother something to smile about and it was something different and a good story to tell.

Anyway, when it comes down to it, we will be gone. We can tell people what we would like, and I've made it know I want to be cremated with my ashes spread in Joshua Tree National Park. But I will be dead. I won't know whether they dumped me in the ocean or cremated me. Funerals, memorial services, or whatever are for the living. Not for the dead. So I do like it when we can celebrate their life, not their death.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/17/2019 10:22AM by NormaRae.

and I'm the one in the family who changes the flowers. They have vases, so I keep flowers on it all the time. It has been very healing for me to be able to do that. I'm sorry that your mother can't go visit his grave, but that trip to the cemetery sounds great.

I LOVE this story. I really think my dad would have loved knowing he was going to have this last camping trip.

My siblings had a normal Mormon funeral for my dad. That was OK with me. My dad was Mormon, they are Mormon. But, I insisted on having Tijuana Brass, Sergio Mendes & Brasil 66 playing at the luncheon later. It was in my sisters' backyard, and was really great. I told my siblings that there was no party that my dad hosted that didn't have this music playing. I got grins and tears, but it was a great luncheon where we all talked about the good things we could remember about my dad.

Thanks for the nice things you said Normarae. This is your brother and it's been so long since you posted this that you probably won't see my reply. That camping trip will always be my favorite. Even though the Suburban is becoming worn out (it has 250,000 miles on it) I am keeping it operating in good condition so that we can transport Mom in the same suburban. Then I told my son that went with me to transport Dad that I am giving him the suburban so that it can be used to transport me in another 60 years when I pass.

Just do me a favor. Since they will re-do the grave marker, make sure they get Mom's rank correct. That would be First Lieutenant. And her name should be first, she had the most rank. I have to admit that it made me laugh my head off when a family member posted a pic of the grave and they had messed up Dad's rank. A freakin Veterans cemetery and they couldn't get the rank right when I know they had to have a copy of the DD-14 in order to bury him there. I don't know how many times when my dad heard me say he was a Sargent in the Air Force, he'd immediately push back with "I was a Staff Sargent!" and we'd get the story about how he made Staff faster than anybody in history (not true, but he made it sound that way). It was fun to get him going about Mom being an officer and him being "only a Sargent", especially after having lived in military communities and knowing how testy senior enlisted guys get about being confused with the junior enlisted (especially Staffs and Techs, who aren't NCOs). But hey, he wanted to be buried in Utah, so he can't complain about rank not being as important to people as whether they have the mythical vuvuzela-blowing angel on the marker.

Anyway, we should probably have them correct that also when it gets changed. I don't believe their ghost hangs around the cemetery counting how many people come to worship there, but I almost wish I did so I could imagine his reaction to being demoted.

Luckily no one will need a suburban to transport me. My sweet niece (K) has already promised to pick out the Joshua Tree that speaks to her and spread me to rest underneath it in the warm sand.

I think it is definitely appropriate for families to rethink how they do things. I've definitely appreciated services at funeral homes more than the funerals themselves.

We never held a funeral for my mom. She had moved away from the area where she had lived most of her life, and many of her lifelong friends had died by that time. Plus, I just wasn't up to it. As per her wishes, we had her remains cremated. It took us a good ten years to bury her ashes after that! Weird, but true. We finally took a road trip and buried her ashes next to my father. In the time that had passed between my father's burial and my mother's (many, many years,) what had formerly
been a rather bare-looking cemetery had grown and matured. The young saplings that were planted were now mature trees. I appreciated that my parents' graves were close to the river that had been so meaningful to me as a child. It was a lovely, serene spot. I would not mind being buried there myself one day.

I fully support families doing whatever gives them peace.

On a lighter note, my family so mourned the death of our devoted family dog that it took many, many years to scatter her ashes as well. I guess we don't do death very well. I'm resigned to the fact that my own ashes may very well sit on a closet shelf one day until my family figures out what to do with me. :o)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/17/2019 05:59PM by summer.

Not so long as there are funeral spuds to go around.

Hate to say it but they may be the reason some of those local spud nuts show up to those events in the Morridor.

I'm opting for burial, but a closed casket. That is a Jewish custom, not to show the body. Another reason I prefer that is that no embalming is involved when there is no showing. I cannot stand that fume. It is atrocious and nauseous.

Not that it matters when I'll be dead, but it will be out of consideration for the living.

I haven't been to a Mormon funeral in several years. Thank goodness; I cannot hack them. They are morose and are a place they avoid talking about the soul and the spirit who died and it becomes a place to usher in the missionaries to roam, scout out for any weaklings (the vulnerable) who needed to be culled, given a card, missionary lessons and then dunked.

That was it for ME!
A Soul dies, and his/ her life should be honoured by those who are the closest to his/ her soul; those who truly love them.

The missionaries should not be there to gain Brownie Points for the Stake President.

Only the wise family members, therapists, counsellors etc should be there in supportive measure for the grieving relativies and friends.


I think it's bizarre with a LOT of pressure on the Mormon family members are the only ones entrusted to deal with the body. (I suppose it's to do with the temple clothing etc.) And more ritual praying.
The people are deemed to be better than anyone else (i.e. worthier to change the body that the funeral workers).

Had I been able to help with my sister's dressing, I know she would want me to do it, BUT I didn't have a temple recommend, which meant nothing to them....She just wanted her mother (now dead) and her eldest sister (me) and it wasn't going to happen.

STORY: In 1984, there was a funeral for my Ex's 97 year old grandfather, in Ogden, Utah, the grandson of a pioneer who entered the SL Valley with Brigham Young, in the first carts to enter SL Valley. (The grandfather was tangled up with Porter Rockwell and a Taverne they owned together at Point of the Mountain. They were making money at whisky. That old grandfather was a drinker and he butt head with Brigham Young because they were all polygamists and many of the men drank a lot of whiskey from the Barrels in his basement.

Of course, hundreds of posterity attended the funeral (it seemed). The mormon funeral director, probably my ex's relative because he laughed like Goofy, like the rest of the cousins,
but this guy was a real doofus. The guy was socially awkward and had a lesson to give.

So He gathered all the little kiddies around the open casket, including my 3 year old Toddler, and the guy went on an Incoherent ramble about how Grandpa was dead...see...he is wearing special makeup. Then He opens the bottom part of the casket saying, "...some kids will ask me if his feet are still there. Well, Kiddies, this is to show you the Grandpa still has
his feet; they did not saw off Grandpa's feet! and he's wearing his shoes, see!! Kiddies!!"

The kiddies all look horrified...some ran away crying but some were also morbidly curious.

So Doofus opened up can up worms and a pile of other question were asked. Story Over.


I was pregnant with my 2nd son, trying to pull away my first son to head to the bathroom feeling nauseated.



Most of the Memorial services I have attended here in British Columbia are Catholic or United Church friends or relatives. The style tends to be low key, respectful, homespun, with garden flowers and greeneries, loving with tributes which are NOT meant to preach the gospel to those who are grieving.(They already know the gospel.) They are the types of gatherings where I wouldn't be afraid to take my grand babies to.

The families have a very personal way of memorializing their loved ones.

Generally, there are no open caskets. Typically, there's only a private viewing for some family members who decided they need to see...to have closure, and then a cremation later.

At the service, the family places photographs of their loved one with pictures of the family, past and present. They might have a slide show and a collage. They might have family members play musical instruments. The kids draw pictures. Everyone makes the space friendly and personal.

The speakers are from any walk of life (they don't have to be church members).
The eulogies, tributes and stories offered are inspiring and sometimes very funny and heart warming.

That is seriously effed up Elizabeth S. Sorry you had to go through that.

When my mom had her funeral, we made damn good and sure it was going to be at a local funeral home, and not at the Mormon chapel. It would be too "costly" to use the church.


My brother was organizing it, and he asked me to speak. Having been to too many sermons on the plan of salvation, oops, I mean Mormon funerals, I told my brother to tell the Branch President, a man I have known for 40 years, that if he dared preach any Mormon doctrine, I would stand and tell him to "shut the f*ck up"

Achievement unlocked. He sat there and quietly observed; he is a good guy, and I respected him more for his willingness to abide by family wishes.

We had a chance to joke about her, sing Girl Guide songs, and remember all the lives she touched.I was able to go with two of our adult children, and they commented on how un-Mormon the whole thing was.

This was a good thing.

Old Horny Joe and his weird plagiarized doctrines had no place in her funeral.

It was shortly after her funeral, that I gave myself permission to quit the cult.

I'm happy to hear that your Mother had a personal service; if you hadn't made a stand, it wouldn't have happened. (I went to Girl Guides too; it’s such a wonderful organization.)

My mother's service was also at a funeral home. However, the Branch had pressured my youngest sister into allowing a few of the priesthood members to participate (nobody I knew) - two were to pray and one was to give a religious talk.

A home teacher gave an opening prayer, but since I spoke right after him, (I gave an Eulogy - life story talk), I was able to undo some of the cult-speak and redirect & kind of set the tone (or send a message) to the religious talker to follow.

I made a point of explaining that “some” churches liked to use a funeral as a way to preach the gospel and to gain converts for their church and that I felt a funeral was meant to comfort the survivors…the family and friends who wanted say goodbye and who wanted to celebrate the funny and serious times of a life.

While I shared hilarious, serious - & tender stories, I also spoke about how wonderful it was that all of us relatives & friends were from all walks of life & from all different faiths - which was something to be celebrated in and of itself.

By the time the religious talker started, he had to scramble and shift his focus or he would have been contradicting me, which would look pretty rude.

Two of my sisters sang a song together. (A non- LDS song.)

So the service was Real & I know my Mother would have been proud of the efforts of her daughters.

Funerals are changing for everyone. A lot has to do with costs and availability of cemetery plots. More and more Mormons are getting cremated.

I went to a Mormon funeral where the person it was honoring was cremated and the urn was the gas tank off his favorite motorcycle. It had been repainted to honor him.

He was fond of wearing Hawaiian shirts so the whole family were wearing Hawaiian shirts in the LDS chapel.

Ok. Ummmm. Give me a little time to let this one sink in.

My wife and her sister and brother-in-law are curious cases for active Mormons. Her sister recently passed away, and in spite of being over-the-top Mormon, she did not want people to see her, and especially not to dress her naked body. She and her husband were also rather poor, so they opted for the University of Utah to come get the body. The hospice nurse took off her soiled nightgown, cleaned her up a bit, and then the university van came and packed her away. It didn't cost anything, and getting her name on a little brick on some wall somewhere was fine with her.

DW is the same, but is thinking about cremation. She also does not want anyone to see or dress her in temple clothing.

Boyd K. Packer was more than clear about a Mormon funeral: It is not supposed to be about the dead person, and not about celebration of the person's life. It's supposed to be about teaching any non-members about how great Mormonism is, and about getting them to be baptized. I doubt that any Mormons go along with that completely, but I know that there are some bishops out there who will not allow you to do your own thing if the funeral is held in the chapel.

Before my exmo dad passed away he started suffering from dementia.. and the TBM's swooped in and pulled him back into the church. He did request a simple grave side service. The Morons decided to take things in their own hands and we ended up having a church service. His brother gave the first eulogy... to my families relief he went against church protocol and talked about my fathers life and told nice stories. My mothers brother did the second part and talked about the church. Rambling on and on and on... no mention of the departed... just church chat... I looked at my brother and gave him a WTF look... he leaned over and said "in one ear... out the other... Then after the funeral we had to go to a different Mormon church to eat dinner...A whole day wasted in the church!
When my mom passes am thinking of going the funeral home route and just pay the extra money not to have to go into one of those creepy Moron churches...

When DH was dying I had quite the long discussion with the bishop about the funeral that my husband had planned. I showed him the program that had been put together and there was some discussion. He was concerned about the number of speakers - our four children and our son-in-law, who would give short remarks, and then two M. Priesthood-holding close and long-time friends of DH. He finally agreed to that and said that although, as bishop he would normally make remarks, in the interest of time, he would not.

He then asked who would be speaking on the plan of salvation and I told him there would be no one speaking on the PoS. At that point he suggested that perhaps it would be a good idea if he did make some remarks after all, that someone should say something about the PoS. He kept telling me that it was "what was done, etc., and I told him that despite what Bro Packer had to say about funerals, my husband was not dying so the church could have another sacrament meeting. I reminded him that he was concerned about time and said he did NOT need to make any remarks. He was having a difficult with this and I told him that although we would like to have the service in the chapel, we were prepared to do it elseswhere if our plan was going to pose a problem.

In the end we had the service we wanted, in the chapel, and it was a lovely service with brief remarks and loving memories shared by those who knew and loved DH. After it was over the bishop came to me and told me that it was absolutely the nicest funeral service he had ever attended. I wonder if he made the connection that it might have been because it was NOT a sacrament meeting.