Hey, not sure what to do here...I have a sister who lives a couple hours south of me. She comes into town every few months and visits the rest of my family here (parents, other siblings), but never my wife and I. They are all true blue Mormons, but I left the church in 2012. The rest of my family is estranged from me, but they only live about 1/2 mile away. I've invited this sister over to hangout and catch up several times, but am always blown off. But, she'll text me once in awhile to say "happy birthday" or something random. I feel like she doesn't want a relationship, but is merely trying to not feel guilty about it. Should I just cut her off?

She’s already cutting you off. Don’t pay her anymore attention. You will see if she contacts you after not hearing from you in a while.
It’ll be your turn “ to be too busy”.

Your intuition is spot on. She feels guilty and so contacts you, but never anything long or an invitation to spend time. It is superficial, no depth. She is cutting you off. Might as well return the favor.

Hockeyrat is right. She cut you off a long time ago. The birthday greeting and that sort of thing now and then are just ways for her to feel like she is taking the high road and being a big person--not feel guilty about what she is doing, as you say. It's just a Mormon trick to make sure she can be held blameless and it is all on you. She's wiping her conscience with a big cloth full of pious.

I'd cut her off without giving it another thought. She knows how to find you.

What she doesn't know is that her church is a very poor substitute for you.

Thank you, I appreciate it. I only ask because today is my birthday and she just texted me, "Happy birthday! Hope your day is great! We love you!"

Yet, no time to hang with me, ever - for years, when she's up visiting my other relatives. Well, maybe stopping by for 5 minutes on her way out of town. Whatevs...

Thanks again.

Yes. Like a mutant twin growing out of your back. Or at least just ignore her.

As long as your sister is TBM, it's all artificial. The next time she contacts you, tell her how grateful you are that she is acting exactly as Jesus did, with the exception of one thing: He associated with everyone and even got mad at the temple money exchangers. There was only one person that He didn't give the time of day to, and that was King Herod the Great.

Sounds like you are on the high ground practicing unconditional love. She certainly isn't and Mormons usually don't.

My wife I also practice "if they don't care, we don't care" depending on the person and situation. No need to kill yourself trying when the other person doesn't care or notice the effort.

I would tell her that you would like to visit her, and ask her to set a date. That should settle things.

Return the favor. No try hard to reach her.

You've heard of fake friends before right?

I'm very sorry to say this, but your sister isn't genuinely there for you.

You don't need to cut her off. You don't have to do a thing. But grieve her loss or the loss of someone you once thought you knew, but maybe didn't know as well as you thought you did.

Families can be so fickle. They're the ones we don't get to pick.

Try practicing some tough love of your own. If she misses you or needs you in her life, let her come to you. Set your boundaries. You deserve to be treated better. Until she comes around, it's about self-love baby because you owe as much to yourself.

I've lost some TBM relatives. It wasn't simply by my leaving TSCC. Some were just raised to be indifferent and brought up differently than the way my siblings and I were raised. The cult itself messes with people's minds, lives and relationships in such a way to make them toxic. It's a wholly dysfunctional religion.

Don't fault yourself for your sister's malfeasance. She is socially dysfunctional within her own family. That's likely from the brainwashing effect of being Mormon has done to her.

You can feel sorry for her on the one hand. On the other, it's still a loss to grieve because it's like a death in the family. They're lost. She may never get "found."

Why cut anything?
Oft times best to ignore.
Who would be showing who?

I'd say while driving, yes!
Even if she drives you crazy.

Cutting hurts.
Why do it?

I always sent a Christmas gift, $50-75 range, every year. Last year, this time, she sent me a check for $250 "to make up for missed Christmases. In the future, I'm sure we both want to devote our resources on our own families, dear brother."

I sent the check back.

Incidentally, she got about 80% of a very sizable estate. In 2010, I had major--MAJOR financial and job setbacks. I was on food stamps, unemployment, and a mortgage under water. Didn't get so much as a supermarket gift card from her. She's a very prominent, high-ranked woman in the Christian Science "movement."

Like DRB's sister, she won't make a formal break, but just dribbles out occasional and highly superficial cutsie texts once in a while.

You asked if you should cut your sister off.
YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
What she is doing to you is emotional abuse.
save yourself...............Ruuuuuuuuuuuunnn.
( I have 8 sisters & 3 brothers. I had to do this with 3 sisters because the emotional pain, both conscious & sub-conscious, for me was more that I even realized until I put a stop to it.)

Call her and let her know that from here on out if she wants to communicate with you it will need to be in person. When she wants to set a "date" you'll be more than happy and receptive to meet up with her. No more texts. I have the same creepy Mormon relatives that superstitiously believe that my unworthiness somehow contaminates their purity! Either she will fold or you won't hear from her again.

"Merry Christmas, Sister. Are you still in a snit?"

I cut my sister off three years ago so I would like to add to this. For your situation I would not cut her off. I would keep things light and friendly and put up boundaries and see how she reacts. Then go from there.

I cut off my sister because she was abusive. I will link the two related threads that I posted here three years ago.

I has been three years now, and I think I made the right the right decision for my sanity. I went for 3 months of counselling because she was abusive for several years and worn me down. She was extremely manipulative.

Anyhow three years later I feel better but I feel my heart strings pull sometimes that I should try and have relationship with her, and that if I explain to her how she hurts people she will understand and change.

However, I know she will not. Therefore, I stay away. If you read these threads that I linked you will see that cutting family off is required sometimes but it is rough. People on this board were very helpful.

Best wishes.


https://www.exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1771521,1771829#msg-1771829

https://www.exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1857645,1858266#msg-1858266

You can't win this one. If you just passively ignore her communications she feels justified. If you press the point she feels justified. She is doing it for her and not you. If you insist on no communication you might get that. Good luck. Dealt with this a lot.

Life is better now that they're out of it.

It worked well for me because they never liked me, so I lost nothing of value by cutting them off. If we'd been close or enjoyed congeniality, I might be sad. As it is, I'm happy to have them gone.

My younger siblings are much nicer. I'd never cut them off.

I will never understand the CULTural phenomenon of "You HAVE TO maintain relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, homophobes, abusers, racists, etc. because they are FAMILY!"

No one is obligated to maintain a relationship with parents and siblings. No one gets a "pass" due to the coincidence of shared DNA.

One sister and my brother (and his straight from hell wife) got cut out of my life. Do I regret it? No. Do they? Don't know, but the answer is probably not.

I still am in contact with my other siblings (both parents have passed on) and have filled my life with my own found and curated family!

Families Are Forever? God I hope not!

Each time I see this thread title I imagine it being written by a conjoined twin...

I say go for it before she cuts off you!