Just made my first real official statement on Facebook (I know, lame lol) about leaving the church for all of my very very very Mormon family to see. (Some perspective - Dad's been in clergy since I was around 6, I'm 22 now. I have around 200 family members all relatively at the same intensity in their beliefs).
I can't cope. I've been having a nervous breakdown and feeling deep shame for 3 days. I can't look at my phone. I wake up sharply as if I was having a nightmare. I can't sleep. If this is how "living my truth" feels I don't want it. I don't want to feel separated from my family that loves me. I don't want to be a black sheep. I'm scared that they will never get over it and never come to the fact that they need to accept me. How do I do this? Live my truth or have a family?? That can't be the only option. How do I cope with the fact that it's possible they may never come around to see me that same and love me the same? I am a very sensitive person and I do everything to "people please" and make people comfortable and happy, so this is extra out of my comfort zone. I know this is a fault. But I also know that it's not crazy for me to be this way, I almost have to step on eggshells and hide my truth so my life isn't a drama channel.
I'm so sad and I almost regret ever saying anything in the first place. But I'm tired of not living my truth out in public. I'm tired of filtering EVERYTHING. Especially when I go home. People need to love me for who I am. But how do I cope with the potential, real loss of my family inclusion and other repercussions?
I opine that you start doing the things you like to do. Ignore, as best you can, those 200 family members.
It is a given that some will reject your action, and thus you. It's called collateral damage. Concentrate on establishing new parameters for those few who accept you for who you really are.
It's your life. No one is going to live it for you; gotta suck it up and live it for yourself! Some people have it easy, some don't.
Out of 200 family members some have got to love you unconditionally. The odds are in your favor.
You give this choice, "Live my truth or have a family??"
Sometimes that is the case. Mostly it's not. Your disclosure may challenge your family. It will change the family dynamic. It will change how they interact with you. But if there was unconditional love before the it will still be there. If not then, you must face the fact that family wasn't worth that much but for "your truth," what is in your heart, is still worth everything.
You have stirred things up. Give them time to adjust. Even if things are rough for a bit, wait until it all settles back down.
Keep us posted how it is going. From the way you describe yourself, you have been incredibly brave. Stand with that. Don't take back anything. There is no need now the cat is out of the bag to explain or talk. Just make sure they know they still mean everything to you.
Not knowing what your age is, but whatever age you are please access the resources available to you for mental health.
If you're in school, see your school resource counselor. If you're in college, do the same. If you're living on your own, with or without health insurance, seek out the mental health counseling services in your community that offer payment on a sliding scale (if you say don't have health insurance,) so you can get into counseling.
Get into some kind of a counseling program, the sooner the better. You need to be able to have a positive sounding board to help you navigate your feelings and sort out the negativity and anxiety you're suffering with as you deal with your cognitive dissonance and your family dysfunction.
That's going to help you the most IMO.
RfM and other ex-Mo communities will provide you support. But you still need more than that to help you deal with the challenges you're facing to transition out. You're already suffering much too much anxiety, and you don't need to do that by yourself without professional help.