So, I was abused in my previous marriage. Long story short, he was a narcissist and I civilly divorced him and annulled the marriage through the Catholic Church. I stayed single a year and a half and started dating again. I went a couple of dates with a dud. Then I started dating the guy I am dating now consistently. He is also Catholic, we discussed my past history in the LDS faith before going back to Catholic. He seems a little egotistical at times thinking he knows more about the LDS Church than me who lived it, solely based on his google sources. He even argued with me about the beliefs regarding the three kingdoms but I digress. The story of my love with a missionary I can tell makes him squirm but hey, he asked and has no problem talking about his past sexual history before he took the Catholic faith more to heart according to him. We’ve only been dating two months. However he’s been trying to do things I feel are love bombing tactics and I am unsure if it’s me or my ptsd. He’s 33 never married though he was engaged and she died from cancer. I am 32 with two children and have more to protect besides myself. I understand he may be ready to settle down at his age. These are things he’s been doing.

•Trying to tell me he loves me already, two months in.
•Buys me a lot of things even though they fit needs and not simply wants... a set of knives for my kitchen, a Vacuum cleaner because mine broke, a bug zapper for my porch.
•Makes jokes about sex even though I said from day one I have no intention of engaging in sexual activity unless we marry because I’ve had premarital sex before and I no longer want to live my life according to that standard and I MEAN it.
•Is overprotective and tries to tell me how I should be handling my ex.
•Told me my ex in laws were saying bad things about me even though despite the break up we have always had a loving relationship.
•Has a hard time giving me space but will if I say I absolutely need to be alone.
• Says I’m his soulmate
I feel like he’s smothering me and will bring it up in therapy but I needed this vent. Anybody else have experience with this, especially having a past history of being LDS and TSCC expecting us to marry quickly? Most of my friends got engaged 4 months in and married in the Temple a month later. I can’t move that fast. I feel he is moving too fast but many of my friends don’t see a problem.

Any time you start and then add to a list like this, it's a very bad omen.

What are the chances he is going to change anything on the list, other than spending money on you?

You are not on the same page. His wants and your wants are totally different.

It would bother me if they told me how to handle my ex. That isn't his place.

I would want to take it slow also if I had 2 kids, which I did. I had had enough by the time my "husband" left me and I never wanted to date again unless a guy I dated in my 20s became available. When he did become available, which was a huge shock to me, my kids were 19, so you'd think no big deal. Kids still have a reaction to a new man in the picture. His kids had a worse reaction than mine did.

I'd get weary of sex jokes.

I hate it when someone won't give me enough space.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/13/2019 11:16AM by cl2.

He sounds very controlling from what you described. Proceed with extreme caution. Have an exit strategy.

Some men need to "fix" things. Part of what he does may simply be him trying to fix perceived problems. Particularly when he buys things he thinks you need.

He may be clingy in part because he lost a lover due to something beyond his control. The sense of helplessness one feels is damaging to some. He may regret not saying things or doing things and this time with you he is over compensating.

May be time for a long talk. May be time he saw a therapist.

Death of a loved one can cause repercussions for a lifetime.

Since you were married to a narcissit before, you want to be careful to not engage with one again. To me the love-bombing and overly-quick references to you as his "soul mate" are red flags for possible narcissim (there are others from your list, but those are the two that stick out to me.)

I would proceed with caution, especially considering that you have kids. You might consider continuing to date other men.

I'd tell him that the two of you need to slow down. Spin it out for a while longer and see whether he's enthusiastic. If he is, he'll stay.

The business with his fiancée is rough. Have you thought he might be scared of losing you since he lost someone before?

"he’s been trying to do things I feel are love bombing tactics"

Most of us would just call this courting.

Not sure about the sex jokes.

When I was younger and dating I had that happen a lot, I don't consider it Love Bombing in the LDS way (I am not LDS), but it always made me uncomfortable and I usually back off a lot when I noticed that happening early on in dating. I personally am weary of people that do that, either way, even if the women did that to the guy. I consider it more insecurity, maybe controlling, to me it is a red flag and be careful, but I have always been very slow to commit to relationships because I have seen way to many relationships start really fast and people didn't know what they were getting in to, and once you are in, it is hard to get out. And to me this has nothing to do with religion but more just to do with the persons involved.

One major thing that is causing me qualms especially, is the “I love you” and “you’re my soulmate” two months in the relationship. Having been with a narcissist before, I understand that narcissists try to move things quickly to lock you down and then start the devaluation phase. He even mentioned moving in when my ex showed up one night. Trying to protect me? Maybe. However trying to move in with me two months into the relationship is too much to me... with or without kids. I need him to slow down. Which is why I asked to be alone this weekend.

"One major thing that is causing me qualms especially, is the “I love you” and “you’re my soulmate” two months in the relationship."

My interpretation: this is a _clear_ sign that he is engaging in projection (or even calculated manipulation?). This is unlikely to end well.

Your spidey-sense has been triggered; I'd listen to it.

I didn't say it above, although I was thinking it...

Have you seen the deceased fiancee's grave?

Ah. A skeptic. I was thinking the same thing. If you don't believe someone about many things, why would you believe them about anything?

I’ve only seen her old FB page and she did indeed die. However, he is from California and moved where I am a little over a year ago. Her ashes are in California with her parents.

Your description of the man who wants to engage you is he is going over the top because not only is he hiding something, but he is also very controlling. You should probably not marry him because he seems too controlling. Find another person if you want to marry someone.

I’m not a love expert, just giving you some advice.

Just looking at what you describe, he is going WAY too fast.Like Dave said, the two of you are not on the same page.

Is he controlling? Narcissist? Desperate? Don't know. Don't worry about the labels at this point. It's the behavior that is more important than the label

Just my .02

It sounds like you may need more space because he is moving more quickly and is making you feel like you're suffocating.

Maybe it's just too fast for your emotions to process.

He may feel if he doesn't show you how he feels he might lose you, so he wants you to know he's committed and cares enough to be involved in your life. At least that's how he sounds to me.

One problem I see is if he gives you the space you want and he gets away, you may end up regretting that at some point if you truly have feelings for him.

It may come down to whether your feelings are mutual or not. If you don't feel the same way, or otherwise incompatible, it would be doing him a great kindness to back out of the relationship before you or him gets further vested. Because he's already head over heels in love with you.

If you end it now it will break his heart. But maybe better now than wait until it gets harder to break up.

If on the other hand you have feelings for him, then I'd still try to work through what is causing you to feel like you need more space so you can process that and see if you and him have something worth holding onto. Is he someone you can see yourself going the distance with? If yes, great. If no, time to move on.

I dunno what's too fast. It depends on the couple IMO.

My late bro who died last year was married more than 40 years to his wife when he passed away suddenly.

They dated for only two weeks when he knew she was the "one." They were engaged for another month or two when they were married. And stayed married for over four decades.

He was engaged to four other women before my SIL. Either he or the girl would break it off, before he met my SIL at BYU-Provo.

She went there to get her MRS degree. The day they got married she quit her day job and hasn't worked a day since outside the home. And ... I might add she has barely worked a day inside the home either. She trained my bro and her children to work around her. She loved being a Mormon American Princess.

I kind of wonder if it contributed to my brother's early demise, but he didn't seem to mind catering to her beck and whim. Now he's gone she still has others waiting on her. I don't know how long it can last since her children are all grown up.

I see assisted living in her not too distant future.

"Is overprotective and tries to tell me how I should be handling my ex"

Not really overprotective, but VERY controlling.


"Told me my ex in laws were saying bad things about me even though despite the break up we have always had a loving relationship"

Trying to isolate you from others. Classic controlling, arguably abusive move.


This guy raises more red flags than a Chairman Mao celebration.

I suggest you do a deep search on his background; many ways to do that online. Wouldn't be at all surprised to find some weird bad s**t in his past.

Reread your own original post. Trust your worries. Run.

This^^^^^ Dorothy!

and logged out again today, summer, elderolddog, skittles, and others.

Dear Catholicrebel--you came to the right place! Many of us here on RFM have had experiences with Narcissists. "Cluster B" personalities include psychopaths and sociopaths.

Reading your list, was an eye-opener. Please re-read it, as Dorothy suggests. The way you wrote it, and the order of your list was very telling.

At first, I really did give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. Quick love--many people believe in love at first sight, and you might be irresistible! A vacuum cleaner! Definitely a keeper--I mean, the vacuum cleaner is a keeper. He is protective of you, and since your ex is abusive...oh, you wrote "OVERprotective."

But then came the HUGE RED FLAGS!

•Has a hard time giving me space but will if I say I absolutely need to be alone.
• Says I’m his soulmate
I feel like he’s smothering me...."

Of these red flags the last one should be put into bold type:
"I FEEL LIKE HE'S SMOTHERING ME."

I temple-married a returned missionary, who turned out to be a psychopath! I'll give you a few characteristics, and you can see if these apply to your "boyfriend". All of these things happened, and were observed, before I actually married him.

He frequently lied. He pretended to have a scholarship at the university I was attending. He went to the Mormon institute class (open to all, for free) on campus, but that was all.

You write that your boyfriend is from California, and moved recently. My ex-husband was from somewhere else, and no one knew him, where we were. He was a complete stranger. His brothers and sisters were in a foreign country, where his father was an LDS mission president. I didn't meet anyone, except his aunt, until AFTER we were married, and went to the foreign country on our honeymoon. It was then that his sister told me he had beaten her so badly that Social Services had removed her from their home. I discovered that He had a history of assault and battery, and killing and torturing pets.

If I had known these things, I never would have even spoken to him!

Please, please take the advice of elderolddog and logged out again today, and investigate this guy's past!!!!!

We do know that your GUT REACTION is prompting you to write this post, and ask questions. You are so wise to investigate and think with your head and heart. You must be a good mother.

My first "gut reaction" when I saw him, was to rescue my friend who was talking to him. He was leaning too close to her. He was good looking, but there was something about his body language I didn't like. Often our subconscious picks up on signals we miss--especially when someone is talking fast--because we are concentrating on what they are saying, not on who they are.

Do you remember your very, very first impression of your boyfriend? How did you feel about him, before he started pursuing you?

My ex was controlling, assertive, and invasive. My ex immediately "took possession of me" in public, by grabbing me and passionately kissing me, right in front of some of the young men I had been dating (since childhood, and one I was extremely fond of). It was his stamp of ownership on me. The kiss made me gag! But I ignored my gut feelings. He was inappropriately sexual, quite pushy, with wise limits, but I thought it was just that he loved me so much, LOL. He knew I would run, if he were immoral, so he hid that from me.

He moved too fast, and he said he loved me, too soon. We met at the end of the summer, he proposed marriage a few weeks later.

My ex always said we were "soul mates." He used the "God card", saying that he prayed about it, and The Lord prompted him that we should get married.

I felt smothered, too! This is huge! I agree that your boyfriend is trying to separate you from your ex-in-laws. What about your parents? Have they met him? Are you in close touch with your best friends? Other people are a necessary safety net for you! Also, children are often wiser than adults, when it comes to following their instincts. What is their impression of him?

I was looking forward to going home for Christmas, and being with my family and old friends, but my ex-then-boyfriend manipulated me into inviting him to come home with me, and stay in my parent's house. I couldn't see my longtime high school boyfriend. My friends didn't like him. My old boyfriends were afraid of him. One old HT student friend bought me an ice cream cone on campus, and my ex pouted, and was jealous.

Does your "boyfriend" pout? Is he jealous? Does he give you a hard time, when you want to do things without him? That's a bad sign. Does he have any friends to do things with, himself? Does he have any hobbies, besides pursuing you?

Sociopaths are good actors, and master manipulators. He fooled my friends and all of my family. He was always smiling, a "gentle giant", bragged about his mission, bragged about his football awards, was overly friendly, very confident, overtly sexy (lied that he was a virgin). He was a con man. He married me for my money. The details of the frequent beatings, my broken bones, some permanent injuries won't help, except to say,

Do your research.

Do not let this person you hardly know move in with you and your kids.

OK! End of rant. I can't wait to see if this "boyfriend" actually leaves you alone this weekend! This will be a test! I'm willing to bet you money, that you end up being with him this weekend. I predict that he will try to manipulate you, probably by making you feel sorry for him, or that you are being unreasonable. Maybe he'll use Father's Day as a reason to see you, and surprise you with a gift or flowers, or something "thoughtful" to get him in the door.

Two more examples from my criminal ex-husband. 1)I was miserably sick with the flu--nothing serious--and I desperately wanted to sleep and be left alone. He would not. After telling him "no" many times, he just showed up at my door, and my roommates were not there, and he came right into my room, and would not leave when I asked him to.

2)I was sick of being smothered and controlled, so I broke up with him, after the ice cream cone incident. He would not let me break up with him! He talked and begged and manipulated, and I became more and more sure I never wanted to see him again. Then he started to cry. I threw the fraternity pin into the trees, never to be found, and said I never wanted to even look at him again. Then he threatened to kill himself! I didn't know what to do. Sad to say, I was all alone by that time, except for my roommates who were fooled. I had no strong men to help me, no information or knowledge to give me strength. I felt like I would be responsible for a suicide! I was so ashamed, that I never told anyone. That's a mistake. Always tell someone, when you feel trapped or smothered!!!!

Please return and report if he leaves you alone and respects your privacy--or not.

(((hugs))) I'm worried for you.

I hate to be the one to say this.

Since you've seen if deceased fiancee face book, do you bear any similarity to her? Same physique, hair, likes, dislikes etc?

Wowsers! That's a good one!!

I might as well ask, did you see 'proof' that they were engaged on her FB page?

Was it a 'car accident' type sudden death, or a lingering illness type of death? Both would be hard to process...

Why did he move away from his 'home'? Do you know his prior address, or even what city? Know where he graduated from high school/college?

Have you nosed around online, looking for 'insights' about him? Seen a photo ID to confirm the name?

Oh, but I look nothing like his ex and she died of cancer and it took her rather quickly because it had already progressed by the time they found it. Apparently, it was a type of cancer that had something to do with her genetics and she was more prone to get it. On paper he seems perfect. Involved in helping teach the youth group at church, perfectly clean background check. Taught elementary school in California but quit when she died because he couldn’t keep himself together around the kids and became a machinist. I teach at a Montessori school and his ex-fiancée also was a teacher. He moved to my state to get away from California which he said was dangerous and the cost of living too much. The cost of living here is way cheaper. His family still lives there. Both parents are immigrants from Mexico and he was born in California. I am fluent in Spanish though I am a self-proclaimed mutt. There are some Spaniard ancestors in my family tree and I’ve been digging to try and see if there is a link in Mexico with my Native American ancestry but I am mostly Irish. His fiancée was Mexican-American and though I have dark hair and dark eyes, I don’t find our features similar. There were many romantic posts with her tagged in them on FB from years ago. My ex-husband was Mexican and I know the culture well. It wasn’t a surprise to me that he’d be interested in me. Especially, since I speak Spanish fluently. So, I don’t really find me creepishly like his ex. However despite all the good things that made me interested in dating him... I still feel those red flags. We met on a Catholic dating website. We talked for a couple of weeks before meeting face to face and we met for the first time at church. However, I find none of those things as dead ringers to prove he’s a good guy.

Clearly some of you never have dealt with narcissists or c-ptsd but thank you for the advice to all of you. I have no apologies however for not being able to fall head over heels in love within a two month span. This isn’t Hollywood. However, I will discuss it with my therapist. Thank you for listening and especially thank you to those who did not invalidate me but we’re honest and some even looked at things from BOTH perspectives. It helps me clear my head.

Pues yo no he dicho nada en contra de del pobre chamaco, nomas he mencionado donde podría buscar más información.

Pero sabiendo ahora estos nuevos detalles, le voy a decir que soy exactamente como él.

Soy 'Pocho', nacido en este lado de padres Mexicanos. Y soy bien romántico. He tenido tres gran pasiónes en mi vida larga, y cada uno me era revelado así de rápido!

Si él deveras le quiere a Ud, no tendrá problema en esperar, en ir más despacio. Es bien posible que en su mente, ya está decidido...

Dice Ud que su récord de él es limpio y parece que le trata bien. Hay que hablarle francamente de lo que está pensando y de le oportunidad de responder, y a ver si puede.

Ojalá que puedan resolver ésto. Muy buena suerte, pero a la vez, haga lo mejor que pueda para sus esquincles.

Muchas Gracias por tus palabras. Yo pienso que, yo necesito más tiempo para sanar. Yo no quiero tener prisa y cometer el mismo error.

Entonces en decirle a el de lo que estas pensando, vas a saber asi de rapido por su manera de responder mucho mas de su caracter de el.

Paso por paso, verdad?

Claro que sí. Paso por Paso.

>>However, I will discuss it with my therapist.

I think this is a good plan. Tell your therapist everything that you've told us -- everything that is a concern to you about this man. I think it's a good idea to have a professional evaluate your situation.

Heartless Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I hate to be the one to say this.
>
> Since you've seen if deceased fiancee face book,
> do you bear any similarity to her? Same physique,
> hair, likes, dislikes etc?

This sounds like the plot of a bad movie.

Just the fact that you said you're feeling smothered tells me that this is definitely progressing far too quickly for your comfort. Take that as a sign that your instincts are telling you that you need to keep him a bit at arms length.

He sounds a little desperate. For some reason, desperate people tend to turn off other people, so I can see where you're having some problems with him.

There's a good flick on Showtime with Lady Jane Seymour you might like called "Victoria," when it comes around next.

She is best friends with this guy but never wants to commit to any relationship. So she has affair after affair as someone's mistress, just so she doesn't form any attachments.

I won't tell you how it ends, but it is a teaser film. It is really about relationships, attachments. One side wanting more, than the other side can deliver. And being emotionally unavailable to keep from committing and to keep people away from her. It is a good film about relationships, and how some are one-sided (how they are often one sided or lop-sided.)

It isn't reflective of your situation exactly if at all. But I thought of it reading your OP. You might find it insightful ie, seeing things from differing perspectives.

I ran a background check and it came up clean... but I still have these feelings. My narcissistic ex however did have a record.

Most con-men don't have a record.

My ex didn't either. Killing pets? That wouldn't create a record. His neighbors, and a boyfriend of mine that he assaulted were too frightened to report him. This thug threatened to kill, saying his karate-hands could be registered as a lethal weapon. His blows to my head rendered me unconscious, and caused life-long ringing in my ears and "floaters" in my eyesight. His parents had his sister live with their uncle in another town. Mormons, especially, protect predators of every kind.

Not all narcissists are violent or commit crimes. I just read some other horror stories, but I don't think any of those con-men would have a record. My nephew stole money from my father, an uncle, and my brother, from me, and our family business, and nobody had him arrested. We sued civilly, but that didn't involve any courts of justice.

What the posters are advising is investigating his character. Meet his parents! Ask questions. They will think you are interested, and at worse, maybe a little curious. Ask his siblings if he was a good brother. Find out about his high school friends. Talk to some of his former neighbors, as none of his current neighbors know him at all.

Most resumes ask for an accounting of the years, and for the time in between jobs. Ask him about his other jobs. What did he do in the summers? Share more about yourself, and see his reactions. He didn't react well to your stories about your missionary friend. Why?

You can ask him questions, directly. Why did he move away from California? What has he been doing since high school? You already know about his past sexual history. Still, being a believing Catholic doesn't erase that. Do you see a pattern in his past sexual history? Has his attitude towards women improved? How does he feel about women's rights, for example? Don't worry about doing this. Plenty of nice men pass these types of questions with flying colors, and you end up respecting them even more!

Do you watch "The Bachelorette?" One of the men is pushy, over-confident, possessive, manipulative, and fake. He has been caught in many lies, but he evokes pity, and gives the girl too many false promises. It's probably largely scripted, and definitely edited, like a movie, but in principle, it can be true to life, and could give you some insight and comfort, that you aren't alone.

>>Do you watch "The Bachelorette?" One of the men is pushy, over-confident, possessive, manipulative, and fake.

Luke P., a textbook narcissist. All of the fans are talking about him. The Bachelorette, Hannah, can't fully see it as yet. He moved in on her aggressively and too soon as well. He told her he was falling in love with her in the second episode. All of the other male cast members (who appear to be a decent bunch,) were rolling their eyes in disbelief. He also gaslighted another cast member.

Catholicrebel would do well to give this season of the show a glance and see if any of it applies.

Welcome to RFM, Catholic Rebel.
You have already received some great advice here. You seem like a wise person, and a good mother, and you probably already know, from your own comments on your posts, that you need to kick this guy to the curb, the sooner the better! Maybe, go with your request to be left alone this weekend, only make him leave you alone, permanently.

I have a creepy feeling that this guy won’t let you go, without putting you through Hell, first. You need help! Do you have family nearby? You need to let them know that someone is wreaking havoc in your life, and in your children’s life. Tell all! Don’t be ashamed, and don’t feel responsible for this guy’s behavior. It’s all about him. I wouldn’t even risk investigating him, and risk making him angry. Just back out, quickly. I’ve found myself in similar situations, and it’s best to just disappear. Don’t answer phone calls, don’t try to change him or help him, don’t allow him to keep you in his radar at all. You are already gone. Be prepared to file a formal police restraining order, if necessary. Come back here to RFM, if you need to know HOW people have shaken off stalkers. We’re experts at that! One woman even hosed some missionaries with a garden hose, but those were missionaries. (Maybe they said they loved her, too, but I don’t know.)

That said, Welcome to the Divorce Mom’s Club!

Your aggressive love-bombing friend might just have to wait in line! Unfortunately, you might meet many more, just like him, in the first months and years of being divorced. You will be able to identify these guys much more quickly, in the future. The first one is the hardest. There's someone out there for you, and you will know him well, and there won't be all these uncomfortable doubts and warnings.

I’m sorry to remind you of this, but, as a divorced mother, you are now a target. Narcissistic males and females like to prey on people’s weaknesses. Since you were already a “victim” in an abusive marriage, you might APPEAR TO BE even more vulnerable. I don’t think you really are a vunerable victim, anymore, at all, because you had the courage to divorce your ex-husband. Already, you are paying attention to all the “red flags”. You are respecting your own intuition and instincts.

Take a class in “assertiveness training”, if one is offered in a business school or onliine. My favorite assertiveness book is “When I say no, I feel guilty” that is a good basic guide to assertive dialogs and behaviors, without going too much into the psychology of everything. It's a social technique. You don’t have to be extreme, but you definitely have to be assertive, to be happy as a divorced single mother. To be fair, men need this as much as women.

Any unmarried person with a house, has to constantly fight off people wanting to move into their house. That’s a fact. I have children, but that was never a deterrent. Pursuers would say, “I could babysit the kids for you, help you raise them.” One man wanted to marry me, cook for me, and be my housekeeper. A lot of these people are homeless, and down on their luck. Men and women have offered to “help me with my house payments” but I knew they didn’t even have jobs. One of these confessed that she felt that once she and her son moved in with me, and acted as my best friend, I wouldn’t have the heart to kick them out. I felt sorry for her, but she immediately found another place to live, and her son set fire to the house! These hasty, overly-emotional decisions usually end up in disaster. One Mormon guy said that he would give me and my children the “protection and security of having the priesthood in the home.” LOL—turns out, he was the one I needed security and protection against. All of these people proved to be con-artists, and quickly moved on to other victims.

A wealthy divorced neighbor hastily married a younger, new-in-town hustler, who conned her into selling her house, to finance his new business, and, surprise-surprise, he abandoned the business, and disappeared with the cash.

So many cautionary tales! These are all Mormons, but religion has little to do with it, except con-artists often use religion as a manipulative tool.

All the above con-men have tragic, sympathy-inducing stories to tell about their sad past. We are right to be suspicious of your friend’s cancer story. Maybe he only barely knew this poor girl, and is just using her to evoke sympathy, and explain why he’s unattached and available.

Every divorced or widowed person, especially those with children under their care, should take a class! And Exminion should be the teacher! Pay attention to her and the other posters here. Your case might not be as extreme as her’s, but I have known about many cases very similar, only not first-hand. You don’t have to be paranoid and permanently alone in a stone tower, but please be careful.

I’ve always wondered why people require a resume and references to apply for any mundane job, yet people will date strangers with no references, and no proof of their past, and even let them into their home and give them access to their children. That makes no sense.

You need more information!
This will require time and space, if he will give it to you.

God bless you! Try praying about this. God answers you with gut-instincts, mental red-flags, and all kinds of repeated warnings.

Clue: None of your answers will come from the guy, himsef, that I know!

If you don't like this guy, don't waste time complaining about him. Send him packing.

If you don't want the gifts, or they make you feel uncomfortable, then refuse them.

If he's smothering you, push him away.

The guy is into you and wants to spend time with you. That doesn't mean he's a monster.

If you don't feel the same, then break it off.

If you try to get rid of him and he won't go, THEN you have a problem.

For the time being, you're just wasting time with a guy that you apparently aren't interested in.

The fact that you're bothered enough to write here that you fear you're being 'love bombed,' is fear enough. This isn't the relationship for you, or at the least the time is not now.

You probably do need space away, and lots of it. Let him know you need a time out, and then show him the door.

If it was true love you would know by now. Since he's pushing you away, that's not a good sign that it's meant to be. You're not ready to be in a relationship with this person. Not now. Maybe not ever.

Maybe he is acting out of insecurity. The sooner you cut it off the better it will be for the both of you. You aren't doing him or you any favors by feigning affection you don't feel for the bloke. Maybe send him a nice letter or e-mail expressing yourself if you can't tell him in person. And then cut the ties.

IMHO, I would recommend that you go out on some dates with other men, if for no other reason than to see different dating styles and to better understand what your present friend is trying to do.

Make him realize he isn't the only one in the world for you.

Once you match a love bomb with a Molotov cocktail, the embers die.

Trust me on this. It is a great equalizing force of nature.

Or, simply throw some water on the fire and watch it go out.

Then walk away.

I’m not saying everyone who has fallen in love quickly is a narcissist. I fell head over heels in love with “my missionary” and at first sight time stopped. However, I waited a year before professing my love in a love letter. Things didn’t work out due to me leaving the faith... but he told me he still loved me right before he got married. So, yes, it can be different for everyone but most therapists and health professionals agree that when a man or woman is insisting on rushing a romance it’s a red flag to keep an eye on. Throw that in with other concerns and you more than likely have a narcissist and there are indeed different types. My ex was a Malignant-Covert Narcissist. He made himself look good to strangers, family, and friends. He loved to play the victim. Now, having lived through that I am more on guard. I have c-ptsd. I usually can call out a text book narcissist in a minute but this situation has thrown me, probably because I also wonder if my c-ptsd is to blame for some of my emotions. He has done kind things but those kind things could have ulterior motives. With a narcissist acts of kindness always do. Since, the devaluation phase hasn’t started yet it’s hard to tell, if he actually is one. I can tell though as I set my boundaries you can tell it irks him even though he may not go into a rage. Such as me telling him he absolutely is not moving in with me. Simple annoyance he isn’t getting what he wants or more? Since, we haven’t had sex, the idealization phase that narcissists use is harder to set, sex is often used as a tool in the narcissistic mind game, along with your values and what you hold most dear. Boundaries are healthy. Especially, if someone is a narcissist. It’s hard to manipulate someone with healthy boundaries. Time will tell even if it’s not with me. I have therapy tonight and I’m praying about it.

One supposes that if he values you for who you are, he would encourage you to stay your course, and hope that your two courses can meld.

Trying to impress upon you the importance of changing your values to match his is not 'caring' for/about you; it's caring for him and his needs.

It does not matter if he is a narcissist or not. It does not matter if he is perfect in paper. You don't have to come up with any type of proof and you don't have to justify anything. All that matters is that you are uncomfortable with him and that is reason enough to stop seeing him. And BTW, wanting to move in with a woman and her children after two months is not

Oops, but post too soon.

And BTW, wanting to move in with a woman and her children after two months is not healthy, abnormal abd unrealistic. Being annoyed that you said no is even worse. To me, combined with his spotty work history and everything else, it indicates that he is unable to afford rent support himself. It also shows a blatant disregard for your desire to wait on physical intimacy.

Bottom line - Stop seeing him too many red flags already after only two months. No reason is necessary beyond you don't wish to keep seeing him.

run!

He sounds scary. 2 months is too early to have him moving in. Most of the time the girl moves in with the guy. Have you discussed this with your children or ex - husband for their opinions?
If your first husband was a narcissist, he could be too.
You heard of women who seem to attract the same kind of guys with negative habits all the time. The worse is wife or girlfriend beaters. I had an ex- boyfriend who was kind of controlling; I met him at the singles Monday night home evening too. He was LDS too, but didn’t act it.
I thought he was ok because I met him Monday home evening.
I gave him my number and he called ALL the time. He was nice at first. After a few weeks, he became possessive. He wanted to know where I was all the time. He had a bad temper, never directed at me, unless I was talking to a guy, even if he was too old or young for me.
He wouldn’t let me break up with him. When I was sick one time and couldn’t go out, I saw his car parked down the street.
He ALWAYS bought me flowers too after one of his temper episodes.
This guy sounds very positive also. I just hope he lets you break up with him if that’s what you decide to do.
Most of the things that I also wanted to say was done by previous posters. This seems like a close knit group. Everyone here seems to care about each other.
If anyone here upset you unintentionally, it’s only because they are concerned;they’re just being defensive towards you in a GOOD way.

I broke up with him and he said he never wanted to hear from me again... then tried to get one of my best friends to meet him at her house to give her the spare key he had taken. He told her not to tell me anything just to return it to me for him. He told her He didn’t want her “caught in the crosshairs of my paranoia”. I messaged him and told him, it was cute he thought my best friend wouldn’t tell me what he had done, and that there was no need to worry about the key. The locks had been changed. I haven’t heard from him since. That’s a relief.

catholicrebel Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I broke up with him and he said he never wanted to
> hear from me again... then tried to get one of my
> best friends to meet him at her house to give her
> the spare key he had taken. He told her not to
> tell me anything just to return it to me for him.
> He told her He didn’t want her “caught in the
> crosshairs of my paranoia”. I messaged him and
> told him, it was cute he thought my best friend
> wouldn’t tell me what he had done, and that
> there was no need to worry about the key. The
> locks had been changed. I haven’t heard from him
> since. That’s a relief.

I didn't see this before the last message.

On the plus side, you did keep him hanging around long enough to acquire a number of items of value. If you have any decency, you will give these away to friends of yours instead of hanging onto them.

>>If you have any decency, you will give these away to friends of yours instead of hanging onto them.

Not your business, Jordan. They were gifts. She can either keep them or come to some sort of agreement with him about the gifts.

Men should not be giving expensive gifts within the first two months of dating anyway. That was yet another red flag.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> >>If you have any decency, you will give these
> away to friends of yours instead of hanging onto
> them.
>
> Not your business, Jordan. They were gifts. She
> can either keep them or come to some sort of
> agreement with him about the gifts.

It would be very convenient if this happened in a series of short term relationships.

> Men should not be giving expensive gifts within
> the first two months of dating anyway. That was
> yet another red flag.

It's common practise. Of course in these days of gender equality, men always give most of the gifts and women receive them. Even if the woman makes more money.

A friend's sister left a guy because his gifts weren't expensive enough. To be fair he was a banker, but she still remains high rent to her current husband.

My current girlfriend has bought me a meal at a restaurant once, and a few other gifts which is more than I can say for my ex's. It's a one way traffic.

Good call on getting your locks changed. To me, a man using the words "always" and "never" about a two month relationship is ridiculous. He barely knew you.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Good call on getting your locks changed. To me, a
> man using the words "always" and "never" about a
> two month relationship is ridiculous. He barely
> knew you.

That's not how love always works. Now she's broken someone's heart and has a lot of stuff she can sell on eBay.

Everyone has acted as if he is the baddie here. Maybe he was. But maybe he wasn't, and I have a very different reading of this relationship, where someone was taken along for a two month long ride.

How many relationships start with a man buying a drink and end up with the woman taking the house? Of course in 50% of the cases, the man should be bought the drink and get her house of there is a divorce.

But you know in your heart of hearts that this is not true. And despite all the women's lib, men are still treated as providers.

What "two month ride?" Two months is nothing. You can't know anyone in two months, not a friend, not a boss, not anyone. I think you can have a great liking for someone, be attracted to that person, and maybe even be crushing on them. But anything more is too extreme.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What "two month ride?" Two months is nothing. You
> can't know anyone in two months, not a friend, not
> a boss, not anyone. I think you can have a great
> liking for someone, be attracted to that person,
> and maybe even be crushing on them. But anything
> more is too extreme.

But long to display a(n) (un)healthy profit.

I dated a guy like this. It became a nightmare and we parted.

A girlfriend of mine married a guy like this and it ended badly. He had a horrible past that he had kept secret. Divorcing him was hard because she had to leave the state to get away from him. He became very scary.

End it.

I've given some more thoughts to this. I did say you should ask him to slow down, but you do sound as if you are stringing him along knowingly. Men don't like that, trust me, and if you're not interested in him you shouldn't be doing this. It is irresponsible and hurtful to him.

We only have your side of the story here, and he would probably mention that he is dating a woman who shows little sign of returning his demonstrations of affections although he has put a lot of work into trying to win yours. You sound like you keep dangling the keys in front of him with no intention of opening the door.

Did you miss the part about how they had only been dating for two months? I would not personally take "demonstrations of affection" seriously after only two months. He hardly knew her. If anything, it raises a red flag for moving too quickly.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Did you miss the part about how they had only been
> dating for two months? I would not personally take
> "demonstrations of affection" seriously after only
> two months. He hardly knew her. If anything, it
> raises a red flag for moving too quickly.

Maybe he actually liked her? Now there's a thought. Shame on him for showing her love and affection and for showering her with gifts.

Wouldn't it have been better if he was cold, indifferent and frugal? Then she'd complain he wasn't showing her enough attention.

Again, two months. This guy is not Mormon, he is Catholic. Catholics don't move that quickly. It is not a culture of rushed engagements.

There is a middle ground between "love and affection" and "cold, indifferent, and frugal." And that middle ground is liking, attraction, and a willingness to get to know someone better.

Personally, I would not trust a guy who gave me expensive gifts right off the bat.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/20/2019 10:54AM by summer.

I’m always skeptical when people in therapy start throwing around psychological vocabulary like they’re a therapist themself, especially when they are “diagnosing” and finding fault with others.

Yes, 2 months is too short for a lot of things, including letting a new BF have a spare key to your place.

There are plenty of bad decisions to go around here.