My wife and I have finally come to the conclusion that the church is full of hypocrisy, lies, and half truths. We have decided to leave the church, but we have been members our entire lives so the guilt is huge for us. We also both hold current callings. We are not the type to just rudely walk away and abandon our callings. Plus we live in a community that 90% of the population are members and most know each other quite well. We want to be responsible and tell our Bishop, but are not sure how to approach the subject with him. He also lives 3 houses away from us.... We do not want to get into a conversation about it with him, but we don't want to be irresponsible either. How did you in a similar situation deal with this? Any other ideas?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/14/2019 04:19PM by dhunter.

"We are not the type to just rudely walk away and abandon our callings."

Begin there, tell him to release you from your callings.

LOL
See, there is your problem.

DO NOT TALK TO ANY BISHOP or any other so-called authorities.

They will keep bugging you and won't let you go.

Mormonism is like the roach motel - you can check in but you can't check out.

Just stop going and don't answer any messages or knocks on the door.

"We are not the type to just rudely walk away and abandon our callings."

Telling the Bishop to release you from your callings is for your own peace of mind, not for the Bishop. Don't ask, dictate it to him.

Like others have said here, you don't have to go through the Bishop to resign. Sending the resignation to Salt Lake Membership records means that as soon as Salt Lake receives it, you are no longer a member. They will send it to the Bishop and try to play the "ecclesiastical matter" on you. At that point you will already no longer be a member. It isn't about name removal as they call it, you will have already resigned. What they do after that is their problem, not yours. You can tell them that you refuse to be treated as a member, that you will not participate in any meetings with them, etc. The peace of mind is in knowing that you didn't just abandon the callings, you gave them fair notice and if the Bishop didn't release you it is on him, not you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/15/2019 06:31AM by mikemitchell.

Write a letter. Plan it well.

If you're looking for an easy, no hassle, mormon-guiltless way to leave, then you're not going to find one.

The easy is simple. Stop going to church and resign.

Will you lose mormon friends?
Yes.

Family fall out?
Most likely if they are members.

Will you feel better after leaving?
You betcha!

...yeah. Just slowly move away from the so-called "obligations".
You have no real reason to explain your Sunday absences. Take the kids to the park, visit the elderly family members, see some other meaningful sites. It's your life, why let them dictate?.......

Good luck.

The results of the analysis you and your wife have conducted is 100% accurate.

The only thing that can keep you participating in the mind-numbing, fact-avoiding journey that is mormonism in this day and age is fear of rejection by a community you once respected.

There is a continuum measuring "need to conform", and we all fit somewhere between the two extremes. It is possible that move to a position 'outside' of the mormon comfort zone could be so uncomfortable that your family can't handle it.

You've heard all the shunning stories, and the gossip stories involving how you left to sin. It goes on and on.

I hope you can handle it. I hope you can look your bishop in the eye and joyfully tell him that you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Joseph Smith made it all up and that down through the years that's all that's been happening.

If it were me, I'd also tack on that I was born a mormon, raised a mormon, served a mormon mission, graduated from good ol' mormon BYU and that Rusty Nelson is nuts; no way would a mormon ghawd wait until the 17th president of the church to fix this supposed victory for Satan.

Good luck and keep your eye on the prize: authenticity.

Thanks for the advice so far. We are not looking for an easy way out, we are just wondering how others handled the same situation. I have always kind of been "That Guy" that draws attention because I rebelled after High School and joined the Army rather than serving a mission. When I got out 9 years later and began a career in Law Enforcement, I had some visible tattoos and commonly got "The Look" from members. Several years later, when I was ordained a High Priest, I am sure that many of the "Accepting and Tolerant" members nearly choked to death. We already know that we are going to be shunned severely here and had we not recently built a new home we would surely move away. However, I have never given a damn what anyone thinks about me (Probably the military and law enforcement lifestyle), but it is different for my wife. She has a very visible job and I am sure she is worried how it may affect her career. I now work from home for a company out of the area, so I won't be affected that way.

Again, I appreciate the advice and would love to hear more...

dhunter Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Again, I appreciate the advice and would love to
> hear more...

Having dealt with Mormons from both sides of the belief fence and having been considered a fence-sitter, sinner, apostate, inactive, believer, rebel, and negligent husband and father not to mention prodigal son, I think I may give a bit of advice.

My advice is to approach the bishop. I know I'm going to be criticized but in your situation he sets the tone.

If I were to do it again I wouldn't cause the bishop the red face and yelling at me that I did. I would have tried to handle it more calmly. I went through a series of bishops upsetting them and taking my anger out on them.

The deluded are just that. No amount of my anger changed them. I haven't had a single de-conversion and I've tried many approaches - information, emotional pleas, stoic sarcasm and many more.

What always happens is the new Mormons I meet think they can re-convert me and eventually wind up just tolerating me. With my wife and children I've just become that outsider in their tribe.

It isn't a bad place but it doesn't feel that great when you aren't part of everything in people's lives. But it beats alienating a wife and children who love me.

In your situation I hope you can at least be the liked outsiders in their tribe. It is such a hard situation to wade through. You have to successfully turn these Mormons from everything they've been taught about people who leave their church. It isn't easy.

I appreciate all of the advice. Fortunately for me, not only is my wife onboard but so are my 4 adult children and their significant others.

I have decided to send a very nondescript email to the Bishop just telling us to release us from all callings immediately and that we have no desire for further contact. I informed him that we are adults and have no need to explain our reasons for leaving. The last sentence stated that I appreciate the fact that he will respect our wishes.

We will see how it goes.

Good luck! You're fortunate that your wife and children are on board!

You may be bombarded and badgered for a while. It will probably take a while to determine who remain real friends.

I hope it goes smoothly.

Good for you! Now hold firm no matter what and never consent to meet with anyone. Resign officially, so you have closure, and then you're free!!!

There's a lot of ways to handle this. A lot of it depends on your determination to leave vs how much you value those "friendships".

The important thing to keep in mind is that the LDS church is a volunteer organization. It's something they repeat as often as possible. This is to your advantage. You are volunteering your time and it should be acceptable to say, for whatever reason you want or don't want to give to stop volunteering your time. Especially if you're realizing that the place you're volunteering for no longer meets your personal values.

When I stopped going to church I was a primary teacher. I called the bishop and asked to be released. He said no. He thought it was a bad idea to release me from the calling. As I thought about it the more it upset me. I called the Primary President and explained that I needed to be released from my calling. She didn't question it, said they would get a substitute for the upcoming class and I never went again.

I realized later that I "asked" to be released. I didn't simply tell them that I would no longer fulfill my calling going forward. You can do this tackfully, give them a couple weeks to find a replacement if you want. But you don't have to "ask" you can "tell" them what's happening.

I will say that my situation was different than yours. I'm "in the field" as they say. No one around me is mormon, nor knows I was mormon. I did have mormon friends that I had a pretty good feeling I would lose (and I did lose them as friends), but it wasn't going to be a great loss, there were no lifetime BFF's that I would be walking away from. It was likely I would just never see these people again. While that hurt, I wasn't going to see them on an afternoon walk as a reminder.

In your place I would recommend being honest but firm with your Bishop. You do not have to give him a full list of all the reasons that you are leaving the church, unless you really want to have a lengthy discussion with them bearing their testimonies and hearing lots of apologetics as to why they think your answers aren't reason enough for leaving. It can get tiresome quick and, due to your situation, you're likely to hear a lot of that anyway.

You will have to be a broken record. "Thank you for stopping by, I'd love to visit with you as a friend. I have no intention of returning to the church, but if you'd like to just visit we're more than happy to do so" Assuming you want to visit with them.

The hard part in this is that you're about to find out who's really your friend and who's just friendly with you because you're a member. You can easily become shunned, out of fear that your knowledge is catching and that you will somehow de-convert anyone you come in contact with. Or you will become everyone's "project", they will all want to save you with random baked goods left at your door with quaint little notes, copies of the Ensign and messages that "We Miss You!" even from people you've never really met or talked to.

It's a difficult road. But it is worth it. I recommend coming back here and asking questions, looking for advice on how to approach various situations and just commiserating when things get rough. You're not alone in this, many of us here have gone down the path you're on.

Good Luck to you!

Give him 2 weeks notice, max, just like a job. "I'm not asking to be released, I'm telling you I'm finished as of {date}."

Bishop will likely still treat it as a request and either (a) ignore it or (b) outright refuse, imagining he still holds priesthood authority [ooh, scary scary] over you. At this point you **must follow through**; if you cave or waffle "just to be nice," you'll end up losing both credibility and self-respect.

In 2 weeks you'll be absent and a measure of awareness will enter their glazed eyes. They will then begin the full-cult press, at which point you have some options.

"This shouldn't come as a surprise. We warned you that we were done. It's your fault for not taking us seriously."

"We're through. This is not negotiable. We're not going to discuss it."

"It's none of your business. What part of 'not negotiable' can't you understand?"

There's no substitute for dogged determination here. You will be in control, which they hate; don't give that up, ever. Just like dealing with children, always present a united front, and don't let them wedge in and divide you. As an exclamation point, toss all your white shirts and encourage DW to get a second piercing in each ear.

I advocate the slow fade. First, resign from your callings. Tell the bishop that as of [date} you will no longer be able to fulfill your callings "for personal reasons." Elaborate no further than that. Use the "broken record" technique if you have to. Quit doing your callings as of that date.

I would gradually stop attending. Start with attending once a month only. This is enough that they will consider you minimally active. Do this for six months or so. Dial it back from there.

If anyone asks, you are inactive "for personal reasons." You don't owe anyone an explanation, nor will any explanation suffice (because they will try to fix you.)

At that point, see how your community reacts. You are correct, the shunning may be harsh. The silver lining is that you will discover who are your true friends among your neighbors, if any. You say that your locale is 90% Mormon. That means that 10% of the community are potential friends. Get out and about on Sundays and try to connect with these people.

Down the road, aim for complete inactivity and possible resignations.

Good luck and do let us know how things proceed. We are here for you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/14/2019 06:30PM by summer.

I was thinking of the church’s problem today. Either they can’t find their butts with both hands or they’re an aristocracy that believes “you can’t handle the truth”. Either way isn’t good.

Congratulations on seeking the Truth, and wanting to live an authentic life. I congratulate you, because I know what you are doing takes courage!

I wish your wife luck in her job, and I'm glad your career won't be effected, either. When I read that you were in law enforcement, I thought, "Yes! They will be just fine!"

You have set your boundaries and goals ahead of time, which will give you the conviction you will need. I, also, wanted to leave as quietly and politely as possible. I cared for my ward neighbors, and I considered a lot of them to be friends. My SLC neighborhood is about 80% Mormon. I decided that I was not going to make an issue about JS's hoax and all the lies, etc. I still believe that there is little we can do to "help" the members, or "rescue" them from the cult. I don't like to discuss anything with the Mormons, because they are so emotional about their beliefs, and all they do is bear their testimony at you, and it all just goes round and round in a circle. It wastes time, and makes them angry. Try your best to not make them angry.

I left with dignity, and was polite to everyone. I made it clear that I was NOT OFFENDED, and that religion had nothing to do with the way I felt about them as dear friends and neighbors. I didn't want them hating my children, either. My children and I resigned together, and in my resignation letter, I wrote the real reasons why we were leaving Mormonism. I kept it to two pages. I kept copies. It was all there in writing. I have no idea if anyone ever read it.

I jumped through all their hoops. You don't have to see the bishop at all, you know, but I genuinely liked mine, and his wife and family, and my daughter babysitted his children, and he was my former Home Teacher, and he lived just across the street, etc. We were close with all our neighbors.

I would have resigned from my callings first, but Mormons don't let go of you that easily. I was the ward organist, and needed a stronger reason than, "I need a break." There was no other organist to take my place! I felt guilty and awful. I had to tell the truth, that I no longer believed that this was "God's church", and I believed that the doctrines and teachings were not following Christ. I left to join a Christian church. I made it clear that I still believed in The Bible, and Jesus, and all those teachings. The bishop kept questioning me, and arguing with me, and I finally admitted that I did NOT believe Joseph Smith was a prophet, nor that any of the subsequent Mormon real "Prophets-of-God", either. I admitted I had "studied my way out of the church." That seemed to satisfy him. He asked me, "Will you allow me to come back and visit with you? I will prove to you that Joseph Smith was the greatest man who ever lived, next to Jesus Christ! Will you listen to what I have to say?" I told him that I would be relieved and happy if that were true, and would be open to hearing that good news. The bishop never came back. That was 12 years ago. He and his wife wave and smile when they see me, and we exchange goodies at Christmas. For 12 years, I've tried to be friendly and helpful to my neighbors, but have never had a real conversation with any of them, for 12 years. My daughter married a Mormon neighbor boy, and they live in that same ward, and everyone is friendly to them. My SIL's Mormon parents don't include me or my "apostate" children in any of their parties, though. My other children own houses in a different stake area of our same neighborhood, but that area is only about 40% Mormon, and they tell the missionaries that they are Lutheran.

I don't know if you have children, but my "apostate" children have done very well, and much better than most of the Mormon children, who were relatively unsupervised and self-indulgent with drugs and sex. My kids coped well with shunning--it was ridiculous to them--and they had good non-Mormon friends in high school, which they kept through the U of Utah, and they married good people (non-Mormons). My daughter's Mormon husband is very liberal, and he has tattoos, also. (My daughter thinks his tattoos are sexy!) One non-Mormon friend and my son started an online business, and that has been a success, also. So--shunning was not a deterrent to our happiness and success. We did not have to move away.

You will be fine. If you behave according to your own personal standards, and are as kind and low-key as possible, you can always feel good about yourself--no matter what response you get from the Mormons. For example when (not if) some of them shun you, you will know that the onus is on them, and not you. Mormons shun because they are taught to shun. They will call you an apostate. One of the temple interview questions is, "Do you associate with apostates or apostate groups?" and the Mormons must answer, no, they do not. Some of the most wonderful people are shunned. It is just Mormon SOP, and should not be taken personally.

You probably already know about all of this stuff, and the only reason I'm bringing it up, is in hopes that you and your wife won't take too much responsibility for what happens. I was kind and loving, and tried my hardest to smooth things over, and keep my Mormon relationships alive, and that did not happen. I lost virtually all my Mormon neighbor "friends." I was also the victim of cruel and unusual harassment. Some of the Mormon neighbor men behaved like Mafia thugs. It was frightening, because I was divorced, and did not have a husband to protect me. I won't go into the details, but I have written on RFM about the witnessed molestation of my little girl, and the home-invasions and physical assaults on my priesthood sons. We were a "broken family" and had no husband/father to protect us.

In our case, the abuse was far worse when we were members, than after we left. When we formally resigned, the harassment ended, pretty much.

Normally, you can expect the Mormons to balk at releasing you from your callings. They will try make you feel guilty and wicked, but those are just mind games. The leaders will try to make you keep your callings for an extra few months, to give them time to find substitutes. They tried to goad me into giving free organ lessons. You can tell them that you are no longer a member. It is their responsibility to find substitutes, and that has nothing to do with you, anymore.

You are "officially" no longer a member when you TELL THEM you are no longer a member. There was a high-profile court case regarding a man in Arizona quitting a cult, and the cult refusing to allow him to resign. You can find more information about this here on RFM--I don't remember much about it. Because of this court precedent, a person is LEGALLY no longer a member of a religious group, the moment he declares he is out. When you write a letter of resigation to the Mormon COB, be sure to mail the letter "Registered, Return Receipt". The moment the someone at the COB signs that receipt, you are OUT! The church used to stall, and demand that you meet with your local bishop, and jump through their hoops, before they acknowledged your resignation (It took me 9 months), but you need to do nothing more, legally, than give them that written notice. E-mails work, too, these days. I think things move faster, now. Up-to-date instructions on how to resign are here on RFM.

After all that rigamarole, the Mormon church never declares you to be "resigned", or "no longer a member" It will send you a form letter saying that "Your name has been removed from the rolls...."

Do the Mormons ever say, "Thank you for all your donations, time, and service?" Not! I will tell you and your wife, "Thank you" for contributing to that LDS community, and their kids. I'm sure you and your wife were assets to your ward.

My kids and I were not going to bother to resign at all. I was going to just politely tell the leaders that I was not going to volunteer anymore as organist and teacher, and slowly slip out the door. I was not going to make excuses, either, but just repeat, "I'm not volunteering anymore. This was my last day."
It was the Mormons that caused all the nastiness, and none of us have much control over that. Good luck.

Maybe your ward is more polite. You are a man and you were in law enforcement, so maybe you have more power than I did. Maybe the Mormon cult has eased up on people.

We have all gone through this process, and my family's experiences have been probably the very worst.

The good news is, that all of us are so much happier, being free of Mormonism! It's like having a dark cloud of gloom, lies, secrecy, false accusations, and despair suddenly lifted from your mind! No matter where you end up, spiritually, you will find more real Love and "authenticity" in the real world! I'm happy for your future, in your new home!

The problem with “the slow fade” is that any sign that you and/or your wife are acting differently or participating less than before tends to raise suspicion. Then the bishop may wish to “talk” with you (or your wife) in order to check out the status of your testimony (i.e. to see if you are questioning the church) in hopes of shaming you into staying. Since you are feeling major guilt about leaving, which is not unusual, you are vulnerable to being shamed and manipulated in any discussion with any TBM and with the bishop in particular. Avoid such conversations!

Do not at any point defend yourself by giving ANY specific reasons beyond “personal reasons” (spoken pleasantly.) Otherwise any TBM, and certainly the bishop, will see it as an opening to argue with you and to use various tactics to guilt you into believing that YOU (not the church) are the problem! In contrast, as long as you and your wife refuse to discuss your “personal reasons” with ANYONE, you keep something of a safety shield around yourselves so that you two can begin to process privately the terrible betrayal (and the anguish and anger that accompany that) by the church of your lifelong trust in them, and so that you can do this free of the input of members who think it is their job to get you back to church. It is unrealistic to expect any understanding of specific reasons for leaving from any active members, so say nothing!

My suggestion would be to write a short letter to the bishop, saying,

“[Wife’s name] and I are writing to let you know that for personal reasons, we will be unavailable for callings as of today, June ___ [the same date as your letter]; nor will we be participating in church meetings and activities.

“This is a private matter and [wife] and I thank you in advance for respecting our decision to say nothing on the matter.”

Think how you might get this into his hands (without your running into him yourself) some time Sunday afternoon on the last Sunday you and wife attend, or the next day (Monday.) That gives the bishop fair notice, and gives him the only information he is perhaps entitled to have.

When you or your wife run into members in public places, members may ask you why they have not seen you at church. Some will be hoping to spar with you, while others may genuinely be concerned that your absence may be due to illness or the like. Say pleasantly, “it is a private matter.” If they push for more information, say, “Thank you for respecting [spouse’s and] my wishes to keep the matter between the two of us,” as you turn and continue on your way.

Do not respond to ANY insinuations (such as that you ‘must have sinned’) or accusations of being selfish, uncaring, etc. It is the church who has lied and betrayed; not you! Be ready to repeat “it is a personal matter” or “thank you for respecting ___’s and my wishes to keep the matter private” as often as needed, to any pushy member (including the bishop.)

It is very challenging to lose one’s entire community, as well as to lose their regard, overnight. It is also unavoidable, because the church programs members to immediately invalidate anyone who leaves. Brace yourselves for this.

Final thoughts: Part of being responsible, dhunter, is being responsible to ONESELF. Part of being fair and kind is being fair and kind to ONESELF. This is a time to give priority to your wife’s and your needs for privacy, so that you can begin your healing in a space of emotional safety.

You sound like a good man. Good luck! Let us know how things are going, if you feel so inclined.

It sounds like you're not quite ready to resign. Here's my recommendation:

Take take a few weeks (or months) off from church completely. If you have some responsible position that other people depend on, maybe arrange for a substitute But do not go to church, church activities, respond to calls from leaders, anything, for a good long time. But don't resign yet or make a big deal about it if you're not ready.

During your time off, plan really fun things with your family (or plan to do nothing at all) during the time you'd usually be in church. Sleep in, go out for brunch, go to the movies, go shopping, etc. Break the sabbath like crazy.

It'll feel strange at first. But pretty quickly you'll get used to spending your weekends like normal (i.e., non-mormon) people: relaxing!

Commit to doing this for at least three weeks. After that, think about whether you're ready to go back. If not, spend another Sunday enjoying family time, and try later. Don't worry. Church will go on without you. They'll figure it out.

When you are good and comfortable with a normal, church-free routine, go back one more time, just for sacrament meeting. I promise you your eyes will be opened and you will see the mormon church for what it really is: EXTREMELY BORING and a WASTE OF TIME!

This is essentially what my wife and I did. Since that last sacrament meeting (13 years ago) I have not had the faintest desire to go back. I have much more important things to do (usually nothing).

Every once in a while, while we're sitting in my pajamas, sipping coffee and listening to Sunday Baroque on the radio, I'll look at my wife and ask if she wants to go to church. Then we both have a good long laugh.

If you really want out you need to walk away cold turkey from your "callings and obligations".

There are none.

You are unpaid volunteers, not indentured servants, and you have every right to simply walk away.

Develop that thought.

You owe zero to Mormonism.

If fact, they owe you and they’ll never pay up.

It’s not you, it’s them. Don’t forget that.

You cannot walk away gracefully and have a talk with your bishop.

Please trust me on this.

Send the e-mail to Salt Lake City and walk away. That is all that is required.

When the bishop comes around, you don't owe any explanation or apology. Just say you've decided you no longer believe in the "lie" or the "cult", or whatever you want to call it when you tell him your life has taken on new meaning.

He isn't going to accept your resignation. He will try to talk you out of it. Better to man up. Do it on your own, and not wait to have "the talk" with your bishop who'll only try to thwart you from your task.

You know what you have to do. Your integrity and ethics demand you do it yourself. That's what being a grownup means. You don't need to ask permission.

The bishop is not your friend. Once you leave you're going to find those people are your past. Your future is something else you're going to make post-Mormon cult.

I addressed mine a Mister rather than Bishop.

First step. Stop paying tithing.

Easy to do. No one will really notice.

Second. Give the notice on thd callings. Could you tell us what they are? (You may have said)

Third. There is a helpful link on the main page on resigning. Do it and they'll usually leave you alone. A simple, we resign on this date is sufficient. No explanation is required. Send. Copy to the bishop as well as the address provided on the resignation page.

Fourth. Enjoy life!

Good luck.

The fact that you're afraid or guilty about leaving indicates the worst problem with the church that I had - there isn't really the free agency they claim.

Psychological coercion is used to pressure members to conform. Don't quit or you'll be shunned or condemned to hell or whatever.

That is cult behavior.

You are free when you decide you are free. They have no control over you.

As others said, you owe no explanation.

However, I like to string them along, and mess with them when they come over. I don't come right out and say it's all BS. I just say stuff like the church's standards are too low for me. Like it is about family, so I want to spend more time with my family instead of busy work at church or sitting around listening to the same lesson I've heard hundreds of times.

Then its kind of fun to ask them how exactly the whole polygamy thing will work in heaven. Like how many wives will I get, how old will they be, how good looking, etc. And then tell them you don't know what to do, because you want lots of women, but your wife doesn't want you to have other women, so now what?

Then I like to ask them exactly what they think they'll do in the CK. And will they truly enjoy sitting in meetings and temple sessions and doing missionary work for eternity, while sitting on their thrones. As opposed to those "condemned" to lower kingdoms who will only be able to go fishing or garden or visit with family. Maybe the CK will be hell?

They will tell you that the CK will be best for you, and then you ask what flavor of pie they prefer. And when they tell you apple, you yell, WRONG! Their favorite has to be cherry!

In other words, you can't tell someone else what they prefer, and if they really believed in free agency, they would let people decide without guilt or pressure or shame.

Then you can throw in there something about lacking confidence in yourself at church because you could never get that priesthood thing to work. People dying on you after blessing them to live, etc. Tell them you are apparently just not worthy.

And then you can tell them you are confused trying to decide which things the leaders tell you is true, because sometimes they speak as a man, and sometimes as a prophet. And you are told to pray for inspiration to determine when they had inspiration, so why not just figure it out yourself and cut them out?

And on and on.

did all the things you mention. People are still shocked that I left and it has been about 25 years. I still live in the same place. My old friends from my home town still can't believe that I left. My siblings and my niece and nephews still have to ask me "You really don't believe?" I was the good little mormon girl in every possible way. Men I worked with at Thiokol (made the space shuttle rocket boosters) still have a hard time believing I left the church.

So your situation is one most of us found ourselves in. Since my husband is gay and he was the ex. sec. and cheating with men and the bishop had called me in to tell me my husband would be the next bishop or the bishop after that, I balked. I already was struggling and had been since I found out he was gay when I was 25 and married him 2 years later, so I asked to be released from my calling of teaching R.S. (and it took them months to release me until I said I'll teach this last lesson and then I'm done).

We waited for my husband to be released (I refused to go to the leaders again about him being gay) and then he went inactive. Of course, I've always been blamed for him being gay. He "chose" to be gay after we went inactive according to many people. The joke is on them.

And then you deal with the fallout. I was losing my marriage, so losing the church and the friends we had in the church was not big deal considering what I was going through.

So, get released from your callings and just go inactive. It is none of the bishop's business. Hell, the bishop my husband was the ex. sec. for still hasn't gotten over the fact my husband is gay (still married, but not a couple for about 23 years or more--like never a couple ha ha ha). He lives here now and the neighbors are quite nice to both of us even if we are huge sinners. I just wish they'd quit inviting me (still after all these years) to church functions.

You will forever be seen as someone they need to save if you live around that many mormons.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/15/2019 12:02AM by cl2.

Two things:

1. Do not run it by your bishop at all, for any reason. He will do everything to defeat your goal. I would normally say that it's not his business, but in this case, it is his business. Still, don't run it by him.

2. Don't resign THROUGH the bishop. That's commonly a fail. Commonly, the bishop just will never process it, and you remain a member. Resign properly, through church HQ. You can find the instructions right on this site. THEN inform you bishop, because he will shortly receive the news of your resignation, and will have a 30-day period in which to manipulate you, to get you back in.

It may be helpful to keep in mind that only cults are problems like this. When you quit any other church, there's no big deal. In fact, if you quit one church, it's common for the pastor to try to put you in touch with a church that's more your style.

I have to disagree with the slow fade method . unless your jobs and economic lives depend on it . just leave . No talking with the bishop or any other alleged " authorities " It is a voluntary organization even if the brainwashing makes it seem not so . You will enjoy the absolute freedom of not having to lie about belief in something that you really don't believe . Plus there is always the 10 % raise .

I wonder how it would go over if you used a fast and testimony meeting to express whatever positive things you are grateful for, then (without lots of detail because they will shut you down) briefly state that you have learned some things that have led you to decide that, in spite of the positive things, Mormonism is not for you. Perhaps say that you are happy to continue to be friends, and perhaps to even participate in service projects, but you will no longer be at church, will no longer hold a calling, and will no longer consider yourself Mormon.

The benefits of such an approach would be to

1. Let people know that you are not ashamed of leaving-- it's not a "sin"- based incentive
2. Let those who are in a similar place know that you are someone they can talk to. You may be surprised at who comes to seek your advice and support!


The only drawback I can think of is that you may be avalanched with love-you-back-to-churchness, and it's up to you whether or not you want to deal with that. And such a gutsy thing can be pretty scary. I didn't do it at the time, but then I wasn't in a ward that I had any particular emotional connection to, either. It sounds kind of cathartic to me now :-)

Good luck, whatever you choose to do.

I'm thinking there could be a market for very real looking 'fake cigars'. One would buy a six-pack and they'd last a couple of weeks. One could walk around with what appeared to be a big, fat cigar clenched in the corner of one's mouth. Combine this with talking like a sailor or a union agitator, serious attempts of rapprochement would be immediately derailed.

What flavors would be popular?

Evaluate how this could impact your business, job, and kids. Living in a LDS community can impact your bottom line and how alienated your family will be.

Good luck!

One of the first things to recognize once you realize that the Church is simply not what it purports itself it be is that the Bishop doesn't actually hold any kind of authority over you.

He's just a guy, who holds a normal day job, but is someone important in his social life, where he goes to church.

Meeting with your Bishop will only bring on a parade of love-bombs. He will feel it his duty to "correct" your thinking and keep you in the organization.

He may decide that you've been offended by someone and that love bombs will counteract that offense.

I would just leave, send in your resignation letter and maybe send a personal letter to the Bishop, letting him know that you do know what you're doing and that, yes, you confirm that you are resigning.

In the letter you could mention that you hereby resign from your callings. Never ask for permission to leave. You're not asking him, you're telling him.

There doesn't have to be any rudeness involved. It can be done with business-like politeness. It's basically a business transaction, the same as anyone dissolving a contract.

One thing that I realized when I left that organization is that church was a part of my social life. It was never actually an authority over me. I'm the one who gave it that authority and I'm the one who had to take over and steer the ship of my own life. I have to tell you that felt really good.

However you decide to handle it, I hope that everything goes as smoothly as possible. Of course there may be backlash, but you have to focus on yourself and on the fact that you're taking control of your own life and doing what is right for you. It's great that you can do it with your spouse. You can be a support to one another. You're on this journey together.

Good luck!

Leave the area, I know you just built a home, sell it, start over somewhere else, you can be who you want to be.

OR

Stay and find a group of exmos, another religion, other type of group maybe a hobby that is nomo, and align with them, they can be your support system.

OR

If you stay and quit, others who may be in the closet might just look up to you and join you????? and you can form your own group???????????

You can start a revolution????????/

Don't overthink it. Just walk away. Be free.

The same way you’d walk away from a 5 year old’s tea party. What are they going to do, throw a tantrum?

Open a new checking account and deposit all tithing in there. Our spending has not changed since leaving the church but now we spend the same amount we used to spend on tithing to kids college funds and activities (all 3 are on the swim team and compeat in swim meets). So our monthly $500 to $600 goes there instead of Mormonism.


I don't think it is possible to go slowly, they track your attendance. For heavens sake even the temple recommends have a bar codes. Visiting teachers now Ministering? Watch some youtube "Mormon Stories" here is one example
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqEzX2Z--Lc

One of the last Relief Society lessons I attended as a member mentioned Hellen Mar Kimball almost 14 years old being married to Joseph Smith and I looked around nobody but me seamed distressed by her young age to be married to an over 30 year old man. The wards are getting funded by attendance. I did not want to help fund falsehood any longer not by tithing and not by attendance. Don't get me wrong leaving for me was very hard this board had many posts from me how I struggled but at the end leaving has set me free to be myself again and not trying to believe in something that I could not.

Why would you talk to your bishop other than to tell him you're out. Your reasons are none of his business.

If he asks to talk to you, say it isn't necessary but thanks for the offer. Be firm about it.

"No need to discuss this. We'll let you know if we need a discussion." Then turn and walk away. If he comes to your home, tell him the same thing, then say goodbye and close the door.

It might seem curt but that's okay. He'll get over it.

I've never seen any bishop interview discussion be helpful for anyone involved. The bish will be required to be accusatory and no one will get satisfaction from the effort.

You couldn't pay me enough to sit down with a bishop. They're just dentists or car dealers who represent a fake deceitful church after all.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/16/2019 03:12PM by Cheryl.

Why would you talk to the bishop?

You don't owe him an explanation. I did'nt talk to my bishop and

I really liked him. I released my self from my calling and

Never looked back

Your life belongs to you. As an adult you owe no one an

explanation . Just get on with it. move on.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/16/2019 03:27PM by saucie.

There is a webpage you can resigned for free with a lawyer. Quit mormon

If any discussion is had, just say you're exercising the 11th article of faith and want everyone to respect your decision.

When I left, I asked to be released from my calling in an email. I thought that method worked pretty well. I was able to compose exactly what I wanted to say without the pressure of a face to face conversation. I didn't go into a lot of detail about why I was leaving, I just stated that it was best for me at the moment. I mentioned that if I wanted to talk to anyone about it, I would seek them out. That was it. I never went to church after that.

I should mention that I'm a woman, so not a priesthood holder. A bishop might not let a man off as easily. But I think it's easy enough to just be a broken record and say, "If I want to talk about anything, I'll let you know."

I wish you luck. I also live in an area that is probably 95% active Mormon. Leaving the church has not been easy. My husband is still TBM. You're fortunate that you and your wife are on the same page.

Ohh, I like the advice to just go incognito.

That does sound best!

Drop off the radar. Become a man of mystery.

You are already dead to those who aren't your friends, so Callings will be filled as they always are when you are that there. Your real friends will survive as they always have when you are not there.
Write your testimony resignation letter. Both go up on fast and testimony day. Leave your paper copy on the podium. Give a quick thanks to your friends. Say good by and leave holding hands with your head up high as looking forward to life.

There must be 50 ways...

There is more than 50 ways...but between myself and everyone I know that leaves, no matter what they try first or several different approaches there is only one that work and is necessary. Just. Stop. Going.

You used the wording you feel a responsibility to give notice. Change responsibility to the word Guilt!!! That is what is instilled in the Mo-cult in us to keep us going and controlled. My opinion.

As for removing your names officially by notifying the church HQ...who really cares if your name is on or off their list? They probably don't remove them anyway to keep their membership #'s higher! Plus I wasn't going to waste any more of my time with the church esp to write some silly letter asking to take my name off some membership list like if I don't I will be charged a cancellation fee. Nope! My name is still on the rolls. People will try to 'save you' and lead you back into righteousness. It fades over time

Reminds me of a comment a member or the bishop or someone said to me when they saw me several months later that I might write a threat about. After I stopped going they made a comment about helping me find God. (Was a holier-than-thou member of course)I replied, "Oh, I found him at the county jail I spent a few weeks in. Everyone finds God in jail, didn't you know that?" Never heard much after that from really anyone. Visiting teacher actually still every few months sends a card with some scripture quote or relief society newsletter but I just toss it in the round recycling bin.

Anyway, people are right. You owe them no explanation and don't feel guilty. just Stop going! Don't have to answer phone and yes, some will try the 'save a soul' crap but like others said, just explain you won't be attending any more for personal reason and thank them for respecting your privacy then tell them you gotta run cuz the liquor store is about to close. haha.
Good luck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/18/2019 07:29AM by mothermayeye.

IF you feel that you need to get permission from your priestDUD leader bishop so you can feel good about abandoning an utterly corrupt predatory organization, then you are NOT really ready to leave THE (MORmON) church.

.....I too am a bishop. and I can give you the permission that you seek, for only a very small amount ......

Just email the church and say "bye felicia". They'll send you a letter about "the ecclesiastic nature of your request and their consequences, blah blah blah"
That's it. You are out.

The easiest way is always the simplest way, don't over think it.

just give excuses and say you are too busy, you don't owe an explanation to some bishop. then change your phone number. if someone asks, just say you are visiting another tbm family member and went to their church. just lie if you have too. why Mormons have to involve their bishop in every decision boggles my mind.

Even some people call the bishop instead of the police when a crime has been committed, can you believe that?

Go knock on the bishop's door at dinner time, or 9pm, and tell him you want to talk. ;)

This is a tough one.

This is Orwell's 1984 - being nested in a community of 90% rightthink. There will be a backlash. It matters not how reasonable, honorable, or civil one is - because beliefs are being questioned, and beliefs are limbic/emotional - not cortical/logical - and when these are questioned the very foundation of the lives of rughtthinkers are shaken. (This is why they must shun, and why they must surround themselves with samethinkers - the existence of even one solitary wrongthinker threatens their very core - and they will seek to destroy you. It's not logical.)

My suggestion therefore is either depart the area; or if this is not possible go progressively undercover, essentially leaving by stealth. Attempting to be truthful and honorable under such circumstance invites real consequence.

Simultaneously take care of yourselves - surround yourself with similar, healthy-minded wrongthinkers. Build around you a healthy community.