Date: August 13, 2019 10:21PM
I insulted him at length, because I’d had it with his fake humility and his Mormon smugness. At one point I told him that if Joseph Smith was here, he would ask my bro for his wife and my bro would probably acquiesce, although I said it much more colorfully than that.
This is all grew out of an argument that happened via text in the family WhatsApp chat. I posted something about Uchtdorf’s quote that exmormons have entirely forgotten why they ever believed at all. It upset me, because it tells my story for me and it isn’t accurate. I remember exquisitely. I have little anxiety attacks daily that are triggered by some memory that is church-related. I can’t forget my time in the church, no matter how much I’d like to, and I’m intellectually honest with myself to a fault, which is why I couldn’t pretend to be a believer anymore. Anywho, what I said was swept aside by text from my father who in his passive-agressive patriarchal manner told me that Uchtdorf was right and the truth was right in front of me. I need to trust my feelings. He mentioned the many times I’d born my testimony, so he knew I had had spiritual experiences and everything I keep trying to communicate to the family is bull and I’m just trying to justify my new lifestyle. I retaliated by reminding him of the “good feeling” he had that one time right before he walked into a scam that cost him over ten thousand dollars. There was silence in all the land after that (nobody texted back for a while).
Anyway, my bro was the only reaction. He told me I didn’t seem happy, I was full of hate, and I need to go sort myself out. He then emojiied the “peace out” sign and left the conversation so i couldn’t respond. Well, I texted him up one on one and tore into him. I knew I was burning bridges, but I just didn’t care anymore, not if everything on the other side of that bridge comes attached to the f’ing church with a side of eternal condescension.
Like clockwork, though, because my family is emotionally codependent AF, we all kissed and made up, sort of. If there’s a new family chat already, I’m not in it. I did apologize to my bro and talk to him about my experience in the church leading up to the point when I figured out it was all bologna, and as long as I left out the actual damning parts, the “anti”, he listened. So I’ll give him credit for that.
This bull could all be over in twenty minutes if they’d just let me expose them to the raw data that proves the church false and explain it for them. They don’t let me speak though, although they used to trust my ability to discern truth and explain it for
them so they didn’t have to do the hard work themselves. These days they take potshots at the memory of the tbm that I was. Idk if it makes them feel better to think that I was always an idiot. If so, what does that say about their tendency to listen so earnestly to whomever makes them feel better about their core beliefs?