Love means never having to say you are sorry. So many people say. Some proclaim it is a virtue to just take it. Time after time after time after time..

But why? I do not want to use my spare time to solve emotional abuse problems that is created out of nothing.

Do you think at some age most people stop and think that it is important to be able to say you are sorry? I do!

But personally I feel that it is a bit awkward to feel more and more safer with strangers than with some of of my family members.

On the positive side I feel a bit stronger and handle interpersonal problems outside family without any great fear or heavy emotions. Because I learned that emotional abuse inside family is hard to top. It is brutal and push everything to its limit.

it might be a good idea to pull away from family. Limit time spent with anyone who threatens your safety. Reach out to those who make you feel safe or appreciated.

I’ve noticed this with my family. They never say they’re sorry and it’s always been that way. Me - I will apologise for the slightest thing even if it wasn’t my fault. And originally I was the only mormon when they weren’t, therefore I think this isn’t just a mormon thing, but perhaps the cult attracts and retains a certain type of unquestioning person, including those who don’t question their own actions properly (?).
But more so, mormons just don't think they’re wrong or at fault - quite literally. This really hit home last week. My brother and SIL who live in the US were visiting us here in the UK. I was nervous and apprehensive about arranging to see them, so much so I posted about it on here. Not because I don’t love them or want to see my brother, but because I’m confused by their behaviour, which has included saying negative things behind my back to my daughter, and (along with my NON-mormon mother) at one stage, behind my back, arranging for her to go to the mormon church. And yet most of the time they are incredibly (and I believe genuinely) loving.
I have been so upset by all of this I am now seeing a therapist, have suffered from depression, panic attacks and it has contributed to my ptsd symptoms, including having terrible nightmares.
As a consequence, I unintentionally made it difficult to arrange time with my brother. And when I finally got there, the look on his face broke my heart. He was trying to smile, but he looked genuinely heartbroken too. I could see the pain and hurt in his face. He hugged me and told me he loved me. I love him too. But no apologies. They do not know what they do, why it hurts, and neither can they understand why I have a problem with it. I almost want to write a letter explaining, but then it sounds like an apology, and once again I fear I may get no such thing in return. It confuses me and breaks my heart.
Another thought I have is: When mormons know they are wrong, they feel it is wrong to apologise, because acknowledging their own human weakness would be, to them, simultaneously like admitting their religion is wrong. You see the guilt that is inflicted on them, and the toxic shame that becomes a part of their lives? I think a lot of this is projected outwards.

Generally, some of my family members have done some emotionally abusive things. My response is to withdraw - UNLESS I am able to confront them knowing they will understand, apologise, and change their behaviour. In my situation, I don’t think it is conscious, or planned, so I will however, respond positively to kind, good behaviour.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/21/2019 06:45AM by LJ12.

That’s my beef with Mormonism. Inducing guilt and shame when there’s absolutely no reason for it. Think of what LGBT members go through, or anyone who doesn’t fit the mold. I’m sorry your family has fallen victim to this kind of toxic thinking. You feel so bad because you care. You love them and hate to see them suffer. Why can’t they love the way God loves? Oh right, Mormonism.

It seems to me, and you can take this with a grain of salt, that there is a malevolent consciousness on this planet that feeds on our negative emotions such as guilt and shame. I’m not kidding when I say TSCC could have been founded by the Devil himself.

You seem compassionate, thoughtful, and kind. You’re already walking the high road. That your family can’t join you is not your problem. You shouldn’t make it your problem because you can’t make them happy. Nobody can free them from their mental prison except them.

Family usually are the people with the security clearance to do serious damage to your cardiovascular central control system.

Elder Berry Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Family usually are the people with the security
> clearance to do serious damage to your
> cardiovascular central control system.


Holy moly, is this ever a truism! Family know exactly where to strike to inflict the most damage. I never knew this on a personal level until recently with my own brother. Never saw it coming.

I "am" the peacemaker, the enabler. My older sister who is 17 months older than I am was and is my abuser. It was always up to me to go along to get along. My parents didn't know how to handle her.

I just learned to be the one who apologized. It can cause a lot of issues in the whole relationship, in the whole family, but it seems to be the only thing that has worked in my family. And even then, it doesn't work.

Right now I'm trying to find my nephew. My sister's son. He is somewhere in the area. His truck broke down and he was going to park his trailer here. Since we aren't allowed to communicate because of my sister, he didn't have my phone number. He's going through a terrible divorce and he couldn't get hold of me and didn't dare just walk into my house last night to stay even though I've told him he could. BUT because of the bad blood, he is out there wandering around without a car while his truck gets fixed. He walked 8 miles out here and 8 miles back to Logan.

And I'm pissed. Really pissed that because my apology that she didn't deserve, never did, wasn't good enough, we are in this mess today.

Never having to say you're sorry does not mean that whatever you do to your loved ones is okay. What that phrase actually means is that if you loved them, you'd try not to do things to them that require having to say you're sorry.

Oh, my friend, this sounds too familiar, and it's not at all unique to Mormonism.

I wasn't raised Mormon (converted at 28 and left at 32)...grew up Catholic.

"Sorry" is a foreign concept in my family.

I stopped talking to my mother and whole family for 5 years. Three years ago, my stepfather found me on Facebook, and private messaged me to call me a whore. I said or did nothing to provoke it.

A year after that, my mother tried to weasel her way back into my life. I demanded an apology for being called a whore.

She claimed that my brother hacked into my stepfather's FB account to send me that message. That was a lie, because my brother was in prison at the time that was sent.

She successfully weaseled her way back into my life six months ago. And I only allowed her to do it because I'm pretty sure she only has about ten years to live.

She's in court-mandated therapy because she assaulted a woman. So at least now she's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression, and being medicated.

Before I went five years without talking to her, she'd blow up my phone every time there was a crisis. (Someone getting arrested, evicted, moving back into her house, finding drugs in the house from one of my siblings.)

Now she never calls...and when I call in to occasionally check in on her, she can't be bothered. I have a good job, I'm making money, traveling all over.

I don't need an apology. I have my peace, distance, and prosperity.

The awesome thing about being in a cult is that you get to always be right. No need to apologize. You did nothing wrong because you are in the cult and god told you to do the right thing that was wrong but that makes god the sinner not you. Of course god doesn't sin so you doing the wrong thing is probably the right thing once you understand god's unknowable master plan.

I'm dealing with this with my TBM who is now 78. I point out that she has never been wrong but the consequence of that is that she has never had to grow either. She is an elderly lady but she seems to act like a 13-year-old. She went her whole life never being wrong and she has remained stuck in the mind of adolescence.

Being wrong is a blessing not a curse. It means you get to grow.

“The awesome thing about being in a cult is that you get to always be right”
Yes, THIS
This one sentence actually explains a whole lot.
I noticed that about a lot of TBM mormon women. They never grow up.

I found my nephew that day by talking to his brother. He was in jail for an unpaid traffic ticket. A cop had stopped him when he was walking to Logan from Hyrum because they were looking for someone (5 feet 7 and black hair, my nephew is 6 feet 3 and blonde hair). He took his name and license number and let my nephew keep walking. He found the warrant for his arrest and stopped him again 2 miles later. He had a small amount of marijuana on him. This nephew finds trouble all the time--my son does, too.

So I picked him up from jail the next day and he is staying with me. My sister is so happy that she HAS APOLOGIZED and she told me she loves me and thank you so much for taking care of her son.

Wow! I couldn't be happier. My nephew does really well and is off working. He has so many employers wanting to hire him as he is a hard worker and they beg him to come back to work for them. So he is doing well. It will cost something to get this misdemeanor taken care of. I just never anticipated it turning out like this.

Wow, that’s unexpected. How come she wasn’t out looking for him, but you were? I should think the least she can do is to be grateful and to say sorry to you and I’m glad she did.
Maybe there is hope then.
My mother apologised to me once. But unfortunately it was for the wrong thing: she apologised for not protecting me from my daughter’s father when we met; it sounds good, except I don’t regret being with him because I have my daughter, so it kind of offended me.
Thanks for sharing a more uplifting story! You have a good heart that’s for sure.

And I've just recently realized I AM afraid of them.

It's not just the things they steal and the serious physical injuries I suffered from them as a child.

It's that even if they wanted to do something nice or helpful, by the time the deed is filtered through their self-centered mind, it comes out hurtful.

For example - If I give out my email address, my relatives send it on via their "family list" updates, to people I never heard of who are now inviting me to join the cult, or read the BOM or "join their book club." So I have to be rude to get rid of these people I don't know and my email is all over the internet.

Ditto for Linked-in. Why on earth would I want to have professional ties to my Mormon family? So I could NOT get the job?

If I was ill, they would fly in and take over and make what's left of my life hell - all in the name of being a good Mormon. That's why I carry a medical POA with me at all times.

It's their lack of common sense and poor judgement and overriding self centered-ness that scares me. Nothing good can come out of the relationship.

Also they steal.

I'm sorry if you were offended when I injured you on purpose and you had to be hospitalized. That was a long time ago and you need to forget it.

Right, Laperla!

Typical Mormon apology: "I'm sorry you were offended...you need to practice forgiveness." They put everything onto the victim.

That's the only kind of apology I have ever gotten from Mormons. My two husbands never apolgized--never--and tried to blame me. One beat me, and others. One cheated on me, and others. I was never unique as a victim; rather, I was one of many victims of each man.

My TBM brother, sister-in-law, and their son all stole from me and other family members (again, I was not unique). They began with jewelry and clothes from my bedroom, money from my purse, they took valuable paintings and a clock right off the wall, telling one parent that the other parent had given it to them. They took a valuable coin collection. They manipulated money from our parents, by telling lies. They had several family members pay for the same thing. My father paid for 4 years of my nephew's BYU education, apartment, cafeteria meal tickets, car, gas, books, etc, and other relatives thought they were buying his books and helping with the tuition, too. The little creep never attended a class, but dated and slept and got fat. He pretended to graduate, and got a new car and money for graduating. My brother and his son took most of our inheritance, and tried various scams to con money from our uncles, and ended up stealing valuable stocks, and selling property that belonged to the family as a unit. My nephew drafted a fake Will and tricked our dying brother into signing everything over to the one nephew, and the will also said nephew was the new executor--illegal, because the sole executor can't be the sole beneficiary in that state. The nephew has my Social Security number and personal identity information, and perpetrates a lot of his frauds online--I have to be constantly on my toes!

D'ya think I would ever let these criminals into my house, or anywhere near my children or grandchildren or friends or my work? I don't consider them "family" at all.

Watch your back!

I know what you mean, about not feeling "safe" around these people!

I doubt anyone has ever had their stolen things returned, either.

No contact was the only way I could stop the stealing and the abuse.

I would love to film their searches for things of mine to take and put it on the internet.