I have a very dear friend who moved away from our area to settle in Preston Lancs ,she is only a 10 minute walk from the Temple,Stake building and Missionary Training Centre,I have been out for 9 years now,we are very close.with a friendship spanning 30 years.

She moved there late last year and is happily settled,we have never discussed my reasons for leaving the TSSC but it has'nt affected our friendship so far,she lives in a block of flats where another 2 members I know fairly well live also.

I have decided to start my visit on a Tuesday until Saturday,that way there will be no chance of asking me to Church or anything else that may be going on.
One of the folk who live in the same block can be forthright and cheeky,I am quite a gentle person until someone really annoys me or says something that is aimed at my leaving the TSSC.

If any of you have any advice or have been in a similar situation I would be grateful.

All I know is when people try to put you on the defensive it is an admission of their own insecurity with being Mormon.

You made me curious and I googled handling nosy questions and found this. The three strategies employed by these people are,

1. Boldly asking you a personal question out-of-the-blue---This surprise tactic guarantees you will be so stunned that you are likely to give up the information immediately.

2.Rapid Fire Questions---Can throw you off balance and you answer though you didn't want to. (At first I typed "rabid" which may be more appropriate for TBMs)

3. Feigned concern about you--Can make you feel they care and are on your side and so why not confide?

The advice that seemed the best in this article was simply to answer a question with a question. "Why would you ask me that?" or "Why would you want to know that?" Which alerts them that you are not about to give information and gives you a second to get your feet on the ground again.

But Mormons can't stand that you don't accept that they have the truth so, somehow you have to play off that and turn the tables, if they continue the questioning. First, pause, and give them a look which says, 'You are out of bounds here.'

Then perhaps when asked "Why did you leave the church?":

"I came to have fun with an old friend. No religion and no politics has gotten us through thirty years that mean a lot to me. How about a cup of tea? I hear that is good with crow."

"Did you know in most civilized countries it is illegal to ask about religion in a job interview? Seems like a good rule in general to avoid the personal, don't you think?"

"Haha ha. Oh my gosh. I'm not going into that haha."

"Do you prefer to vacation in Italy or France?"

"Wow. Did you really ask me that?"

"Would you also like to know my bra size?" This works even if you are male. Really. Maybe even better.


I don't know if any of that would help as I am not gentle like you are and am a tough old bird that can be blunt beyond measure. Good luck. Hope you have fun with your friend and that you are asked no nosy questions.

Thanks Done and Done,some great ideas there,this one person is blunt and can suddenly blind side you so I need to be prepared,love the idea of answering a question with a question,the last time I saw this person,who lives in the same block as my friend told me that Satan was on my shoulder where the TSCC was concerned,I was blind sided with that as we were just chatting about clothes and make -up,boy can they be sneaky.

I feel that I will be better prepared this time due to your advice,I am a strong person and don't fear conflict its just as you say they use plenty of tactics.

"Satan on your shoulder!" Hahahah Too much. I'd be laughing in her face.

“I was blind sided with that as we were just chatting about clothes and make -up,boy can they be sneaky.”

“Well, he coaches me in putting on makeup. I figure he’s qualified since helps Elle McPherson with her makeup.”

D&D I would pay good money to see you in a bra :P

How much are we talking about?

Giving snarky answers designed to make them feel even more uncomfortable than you feel seems like a great way to damage a friendship. If part of your friendship over 30 years has been your shared membership in the Mormon Church, then them asking about it shouldn’t be any more out of line than asking how your children are doing. You’re not some stranger on the Street they’ve just met.

How about an honest, non-confrontational answer. “Mormonism always taught me that all the other sects were man-made. I came to the conclusion that the LDS Church is man-made too, and I no longer participate. If you want to discuss it, I’m ok with that, and if not, that’s fine too.”

They may be distraught, but they won’t feel disrespected and humiliated. The conversation might go downhill from there, but it might start an open and honest discussion.

Brother of Jerry,thanks,I believe my best friend would be kind in any questions,as you say honest and open discussion could follow,I have toyed with opening a conversation with her myself as we are close enough to survive a conversation apart from her becoming weepy,which is just how she is,this Elephant has been in the room too long and needs to get out.
Its the other 2 I feel will have something to say that will be judgmental or really get my goat and I don't want to damage the relationship my friend has with them,but also I will not stand for any nonsense and do my utmost to answer civilly but ensure they know I will not be broken by them.

See a list of possible responses to questions from Mormons at

http://packham.n4m.org/q-and-a.htm

R Packham,I am loving the responses,in particular the one about "you felt the spirit tell you it is true" and "the spirit gives you truths" a couple I had known for over 30 years came to my home a week after I put in my resignation,the chap asked why I had done this,I replied that the spirit had witnessed to me that the Church was false,which is the truth,the lady said but the same spirit tells me its true,the chap got up took his wife's hand and left,I was obviously damned as far as he was concerned,some great laughs reading the list,thankyou very much

I liked your answer to "Well, if Mormonism isn't the true church, then which one IS?" I laughed out loud at the last sentence, "I checked out AMWAY, but it was too much like Mormonism."

When other nevermos ask me about Mormonism (now that I'm married to one), I've sometimes answered that it's AMWAY with religious trappings.

I would say in discussing things with Mormons the ideal situation would be to do it only through email with this list of RPackam's questions and answers handy. Seems to answer every accusatory and loaded question I have ever heard from a Mormon.


The one item from the list I want to always remember is this: As Galileo said: "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."

It's perfectly okay to give responses such as, "That's personal," or "I'd rather not discuss (or go into) that." Or you can say, "I'm inactive/no longer a member because that's what works best for me and makes me happy." Then redirect the conversation, i.e. "Tell me about [blank.]"

Remember that you do not need to account for or justify your personal choices. Religion in the western world is a personal choice.

Thankyou Summer,your good advice is noted,so much commonsense on this board

I just thought of this...I think Satan helped me!

If an inappropriate, intrusive question is popped, wait a few seconds and then hold your hand to your ear, and look in a couple of different directions, as if some weird sound has startled you.

You: How weird...Did you hear that?

Him/her: Hear what?

Y: I thought I heard someone ask a completely inappropriate question to which I would not deign to respond! ...must have been the wind...

At the same time, reach into your purse for that roll of tuppence you carry to help put some zest into a kidney punch, in case they don't get the hint.

Sorry, Kizzie, that you have had to endure some very rude confrontations. No wonder you're a little worried.

I can't believe the Mormons have the nerve to treat us rudely in our own home! This has happened to me, too.

It gives you confidence to plan in advance, what you are going to say. You don't need to be creative or clever, and often just repeating the same response, like a broken record, is very effective. I'm always saying the same thing, with a friendly smile:

"Oh, I'm on vacation, so let's not talk about religion or work."
"This is a party! Let's not talk about anything heavy."
Followed by changing the subject. There are so many other things to talk about--really!

Another remark that works is, "Do you REALLY want to talk to me about this? I have learned a lot of facts about Mormonism!" Mormons are cowards, and this really does frighten them away.

Kizzie, I can almost bet money that no one will ask you WHY you left Mormonism. I've been out for over 10 years, and no Mormon ever bothered to ask me why. However, I have had many Mormons TELL me why I left! That is just rude, like your 2 other friends.

I would be very surprised if any Mormon would be willing to sit still and listen to your exit story--even the briefest, most positive version. I would be shocked if any Mormon would want to hear the Truth. They are scared of us! They don't want us to "shake their testimony." I promise you, if you start a conversation about YOUR religious experiences, your two friends would interrupt you and start bearing their testimony at you.

So, plan an advance how you are going to respond. Actually, it will be a good thing that your friends will want to avoid the subject. Do you really have an inner NEED to tell your one friend? Does she have to know? Don't upset her. Isn't your friendship about a lot MORE than just religion?

It would make you more confident to think up a reply to "Satan is on your shoulder." I would probably not say anything, but look at my shoulder and rub it, and move that my arm around. That deserves a ridiculous response.

Thanks for this thread, and the good advice on it.

If this was me, I would personally be hoping to completely avoid these two other people. Is that possible? My best friend is mormon and we’ve been friends for over twenty years, and discussing it never goes very deep nor is it an issue, but then I think she’s inactive. I could never endure seeing any others mormons, my family is enough. I take it you are also in the uk like me. It’s more usual in a block of flats for people to keep to themselves is it not? So unless you happen to run into them in the hallway, you probably won’t see them, I hope.
The responses here are good though so I think you’ll be fine. I just wondered on the dynamics of why it might be likely you would see them?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/01/2019 08:05AM by LJ12.

It would be highly probable that I will meet them as they walk in and out each others flats like university students,once they know I am there they will wait a while and appear,however I intend to ask my friend if we can get together with them for one meal and thats it,she does not have much time for one of them herself but is such a lovely person she would never dream of being awkward with anyone.

Mother Who Knows,I only intend to ask my friend if she would like to discuss my resignation and what brought me to that,if she says she can't handle it that will be the end of it,like yourself no-one has asked me in the 9 years since I resigned,I live in an area with 60,000 people and only approx 40-50 are LDS so not much chance of coming across them,met one lady when I went to view the place where our daughters wedding was to be held,we just chatted for a few moments about family.

lJ12,yes I am in Scotland,the block of flats these ladies live in is in Chorley,all 3 moved there from Scotland to be near the Temple,out of a block of 8 flats 5 are LDS,3 blocks in all and at least half are LDS.

To me, it is typical of mormons to be wandering in and out of each other’s homes like that. This might be more usual for Americans but it’s typically not British culture to forego privacy like that.
I’m not knocking it, each to their own.
But I personally would not be able to tolerate this situation.

kizzie Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> lJ12,yes I am in Scotland,the block of flats these
> ladies live in is in Chorley,all 3 moved there
> from Scotland to be near the Temple.

They should have built the temple in Scotland, like they were originally thinking about. Then along came Hinckley with his vanity project where he wanted to relive his missionary days in Preston.

Maybe the church up in Scotland wouldn't quite be struggling with attendances now if they'd done that.

I’m guessing this was a half way house for the north of England and Scotland. The only other temple is the London temple(not that it’s anywhere near London but whatever!). Obviously the uk isn’t worth them wasting more money on a third temple, which is surprising considering how much they’ve wasted already on building temples.

I went to the Preston temple dedication; I was in the temple. I considered it (and was told it was) the most spiritual experience I’d ever have. And I could have been tricked into experiencing just that except for this:-

When the dedication actually took place, after all the hymns, prayers and talks, Hinckley started cracking jokes, was fooling around, and he looked SO BORED.
I was pretty shocked even then, and it completely ruined the whole thing.
Other people thought it was cool, and he was oh so funny and “what a character”.
Ugghh.

Makes complete sense now, of course.
The thing I hate most about LDS.inc is the Profit.
In fact, when I first encountered the Morg, I used to think the photo of the first presidency was full on Creepy. I will never set foot inside another mormon chapel, and I will go nowhere near a mormon temple. Give me the Creeps.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/03/2019 01:48PM by LJ12.

LJ12 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I’m guessing this was a half way house for the
> north of England and Scotland. The only other
> temple is the London temple(not that it’s
> anywhere near London but whatever!). Obviously the
> uk isn’t worth them wasting more money on a
> third temple, which is surprising considering how
> much they’ve wasted already on building
> temples.
>
Scottish temple was thought about long before the Preston temple was pushed by Hinckley. It was to be the UK's 2nd temple, but then Hinckley wanted his vanity temple to stand as a witness to his missionary efforts. So Preston was built as the UK's 2nd temple

It became a tough sell to the bean counters in SLC to sanction a Scottish temple after that. Although even after Preston was in the works they did consider selling the Edinburgh Stake center and the mission home to developers, that would have of released a large chunk of capital to fund a development like Preston, but on the outskirts of Edinburgh. I traveled with the person who was charged with scouting for potential locations around Edinburgh where they could build a Stake center, Mission home and temple all together.