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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 04:08PM

My NeverMo co-worker has been collecting old VHS videos and has happened on the Mormon Stories which he laughs his ass off while talking about the ones he's found so far. He is attempting to collect the whole set because he finds them hysterical.

On top of that he is listening to the "Last Podcast on the Left" which is all about Joseph Smith now. I am laughing because when he was just talking about Zelf of all people and how Joseph claimed Zelph was a "Lemon-ite" Warrior Chieftain. I was going to correct him that it's Lamanite not Lemonite, but then decided it was better this way cuz it makes me laugh every time.

One thing about Joseph---he proved that you actually CAN make this stuff up!

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Posted by: dagny ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 04:47PM

Lemonite! That's hilarious.

It reminds me of some guy I know that mispronounces "Moroni" every time he sees the temple cartoon statue. He calls it "MORE-own-ee" which makes me chuckle.

Zelph has always been one of my favorite JS "what a coincidence" characters.

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Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 05:01PM

Love Lemonites but what do they make Nephites? Neophytes?

The Neophytes and The Lemonites. Mormons offering lemonade to potential Koolaid drinkers.

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Posted by: Roy G Biv ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 05:20PM

Love the stories about the Lemonites and Limeites and how god changed their skin color from yellow to green and back again depending on their ripeousness.

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 05:25PM

Put the bong down and back slowly away. :)

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Posted by: Roy G Biv ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 05:27PM

No bong required.....it just flows out of me.....kind of like Lemonite juice.

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Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 05:54PM

Put the drink down. I think that is urine.

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 06:00PM

No, he's drinking God.*








*Note: for the purposes of this post, God is defined as urine. But you should already know that.

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 06:05PM

Bwahaha.

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Posted by: Roy G Biv ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 06:08PM

Gandhi was said to have drank his own urine. I'm with Gandhi and the other great spiritual leaders of the world!


If by world you mean small isolated pockets of the planet, and if by great spiritual leaders you mean they didn't believe in god, and if by god you mean urine, and if by urine you mean Lemonite juice, and if by Lemonite juice you mean beer....then yes....I'm drinking it!

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Posted by: dagny ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 06:10PM

Gandhi knew stuff about the cosmos! Yeah, that's the ticket. Plus he was famous!

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 06:12PM

OMG. hahah ha. I think I'm getting all caught up with laughter and now storing a surplus.

I'm raising a glass to toast you all now, but by beer I mean wine.

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 06:18PM

I'm having a glass of wine* with some of my cousins** right now.








*Note: In this context "wine" means tap water. But you you should already know that.


**Note: In this context "cousins" means multiple personalities. But you you should already know that.

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Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: September 11, 2019 03:46PM

Couldn't cousins be dead people and you are having a glass of water for them by which you mean you are hosting a Mormon party of the dead and serving them by serving yourself as their proxy wine's proxy which is water?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/11/2019 03:47PM by Elder Berry.

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: September 11, 2019 05:11PM

God*, I think you are right!








*In this context "God" means Elder Berry. But you you should already know that.

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Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: September 12, 2019 12:12PM

I feel drunk.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 06:40PM

And this is why none of you will be able to go with us when Saucie and I sneak into the St. George Temple disguised as Lemonites to watch a bootleg copy of “From Here to Eternity”.

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 07:08PM

Wait till she discovers the tip of the iceberg is all you've got.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 08:55PM

She just closes her eyes and thinks of England.

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 11:26PM

I knew it! The classics!

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Posted by: ZelphtheGreat ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 08:48PM

These Lemonites all became members of that sub-set by taking the Lemon Pledge.

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Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 10:42PM

And I'll skip the temple, thank you.

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Posted by: Wally Prince ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 11:04PM

And have you told him about the two thousand young Stripping Warriors who fought alongside the Knee-fight Army?

The Stripping Warriors were Lemonites who had been converted by Ammonia. After their conversion, they became known as Ammonia-ites.

The Stripping Warriors' parents had made a covenant to be pacifists when they converted, so they couldn't help the Knee-Fight Army in combat.

But the Stripping Warriors were too young to have made that covenant and were therefore free to fight with the Knee-Fight warriors. Their mothers said to them: "Go out there and be Stripping Warriors! Help the Knee-Fight Army!"

Apparently, they distracted the enemy by stripping. It is not known whether they had poles and other props. But they were good at it. Some of them got injured while stripping in the heat of battle. But none of them died, which is amazing and miraculous.

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Posted by: babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: September 10, 2019 11:11PM

Helaman should have taught them how to walk in stripper shoes.

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Posted by: Roy G Biv ( )
Date: September 11, 2019 04:51PM

Kinky boots?

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: September 11, 2019 10:08AM

Knee-fights! hahahahahahahha

Ammonia-ites! hahahahahah

And stripping! You're killing me, Wally.

I think we now have the sequel to "The Book of Mormon" musical. Somebody call Trey and Matt.

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Posted by: Wally Prince ( )
Date: September 11, 2019 10:41AM

the "Stripling Warriors" when I was a TBM kid. I had no idea what "stripling" meant, but it was so close to the word "stripping" (which I did know) that it always conjured up the same connotations/word associations in my mind. I imagined a bunch of scantily clad (and possibly skankily so) young men. Later I saw the church's official illustrations (including a Friberg special). They were indeed a large group of well-built, scantily clad young Chippendale dancers. (I wouldn't be surprised if, in between participating in Knee-Fight battles, they earned money entertaining guests at birthday parties and special events hosted by the elite Knee-Fight families.)

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: September 11, 2019 10:46AM

Pants and loin cloths would only get in the way of Knee fights just like rolling up your sleeve for an arm wrestle. Stripping down makes perfect sense.

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Posted by: Wally Prince ( )
Date: September 11, 2019 10:57AM

by showing off their unusually large endowments. If I'm not mistaken, this is where the modern Mormon expressions "endowment ceremony" and "taking out your/my endowment" come from.

Indeed, Joseph Smith felt that it was very important for prospective practitioners of polygamy to first take out their endowments in the Nauvoo temple, as part of an initiatory process. The temple initiatory also included rubbing oil on and around the endowment area, IIRC.

That Joe Smith fella really knew his business.

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Posted by: babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: September 11, 2019 06:14PM

No wonder the temple uses the Costco sized olive oil.

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Posted by: RPackham ( )
Date: September 11, 2019 11:08AM

Here's the real story about the origin of the names "Nephite" and "Lamanite".


Researchers have now discovered the origin of the name "Nephi" and its derivative "Nephites," both prominent in the Book of Mormon, one of the sacred scriptures of Mormonism.

Actually, rather than "Nephite" being derived from "Nephi," as has commonly been assumed, it's really the other way around: "Nephi" is derived from "Nephites" - what linguists call a "back formation" (German "Rückbildung").

Nephi, it turns out, is probably a mythical, invented character, the legendary ancestor of the tribe, much as the legendary "Judah" was invented to be the ancestor of the Judeans (Jews), or Romulus for the Romans.

The ancient tribe that claims descent from the legendary "Nephi" claimed that they had, in ancient times, been visited by a Christ-like god, who gave them a set of strict laws to follow, mostly prohibitions. Violations were punishable by death. One of the strictest of these was "Do not raise your hand in anger against any man, friend or foe!" This naturally hindered the tribe from being very successful in combat, either offensive or defensive. They soon realized that they could avoid literal violation of the law by simply using other body parts rather than the hand: heads, shoulders, feet, knees. At this they became very skillful, and in spite of their refusal to use their hands in combat, they soon became known among neighboring tribes as formidable opponents, especially due to their ability to fell a foe with a single blow with a knee. Their enemies dubbed them the "knee-fighters." Since the native languages usually dropped a final -r sound, this name was shortened to "Knee-fights" and in the reformed Egyptian of their records was spelled "Ne-phites" or "Nephites." The legend then arose among them about their ancestor Knee-figh, to explain their name.

The Knee-fighters were ultimated wiped out by another tribe, who devised an effective defensive device made by making a shield of wood, strengthened by gluing several layers of thin wood together, a kind of plywood. They discovered that they could also use this technique to make offensive weapons, a kind of sword or spear. Because they became skillful at the art of laminating wood, they became known as the "laminators," shortened (as noted above) to "laminates." Over the course of time this name underwent a widely observed vowel shift, and ended up as "Lamanites."

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: September 11, 2019 04:30PM

Haha. Why is this history so much more believable than the one in the BoM? I guess anything would be, though.

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: September 11, 2019 04:24PM

some people (telling for a friend) swap juice with their lovers after oral sex...

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Posted by: snowball ( )
Date: September 11, 2019 04:36PM

Lemon-ite. Maybe some bar in SLC could invent a cocktail along those lines?

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