Something that I have realised only this year, and after being out of LDS.inc for ten years, is that it *seems* as though the few mormons I know are very loving and kind, but some of what they do doesn’t quite match up. Perhaps I’m only seeing this now, over time, because I’ve mostly evicted mormons from my life.

This has led me to being constantly confused. Has anyone else experienced this?

This is potentially a non-mormon question, but I don’t know, and either way I just wanted some thoughts, especially if you’ve experienced this. It partly relates to social media, which I don’t use frequently.

I’ve shared the stuff about my family previously.
I recently visited the person who I consider to be my best friend. I love her to bits and everything was great. She is mormon but fairly inactive with a non-mormon husband; she knows what it’s like to deal with difficult, judgmental mormons and has never been that way towards me. We don’t discuss religion and just accept we are different. She is also supportive over the issues with my family and doesn’t approve of their attitude. We both took a tonne of photos and it was like old times, and we spent hours catching up and laughing. We’ve been friends for over twenty years. Unlike some people, who are quite lukewarm with their friendship, she told me to go ahead and share whatever I liked on Facebook. We also exchanged a lot of photos.

I don’t share much on social media, but this time I did, and she commented on and liked the photos. Fb automatically tagged her.

But several hours later I realise that she has not approved the tags to appear on her timeline, meaning none of her friends can see our photos.
Perhaps it might be petty to be worried or hurt, it’s just that I’ve experienced stuff like this with my family; I’m unlikely to say anything to her. But my family are also great in person and nice to me in many ways, but when I then follow up with any communication, they usually ignore me. This is very weird and extremely hurtful for me.

But mostly it is confusing, and I’m afraid this is becoming a pattern.

I have absolutely NO other reason to doubt the sincerity of her friendship. What would you feel and think if you experienced this? She just likes her privacy? I know this is just a minor thing, but it’s just that once again I find myself unexpectedly feeling uncertain, and my self confidence shaken. I also feel silly and embarrassed having shared them when they remain hidden to her friends. I may just be triggered, as I also had a boyfriend who did this last year; it was just one photo and he claimed to like his privacy, but it was confusing and hurtful, and unsurprisingly we ended up splitting up.
I want to avoid all of this kind of thing in future. Any thoughts?

I almost always untag myself in photos that get posted unless they are my immediate family.

In part because of the friends of friends thing on Facebook. There are people I have know in my life that are friends with some of my friends I hope to never see again. I never tag anyone except my family and have automatic tagging turned off.

While you two are good friends, I can see her point. She can see all the pictures, but she maybe protecting you from people you used to know.

I agree that your friend is probably protecting YOU. She knows your and understands your complicated relationships. IMO, the best friendships are often one-on-one. You might feel better is you ask her why she didn't share the photos. It might even be a mistake (all the tagging and un-tagging, etc., seems like it might be confusing).

I've read some of your posts, and your experiences with Mormons have been almost identical to my own! I am so sensitive, that I have to stop, take a deep breath, and tell myself, "It's not about me--it's about them." I have to stop myself from putting motives onto people who are really genuine and have no agenda.

I, too, have had to "evict" a lot of Mormons from my life, and have put a lot of effort and time in trying to preserve relationships that had been nothing more than an assignment, or necessary for a calling, or having someone use me, or Mormons trying to take my money.

Your friend doesn't seem to be "toxic", like the others.

If she is hiding her relationship with you, that does hurt. Remember, her bishop will interview her and ask, "Do you associate with any apostates or apostate groups?" Suspicious, social-climbing, gossiping, back-stabbing Mormons might be givinbg your friend a hard time, already, because she hasn't been able to convert her husband, or whatever. She might be scrutinized and judged, and needs a PRIVATE, REAL friendship, as a safe haven!

You would make a wonderful friend!

Oh thank you, that is very nice of you to say.
And that is an interesting perspective and rings more true than my fears. I doubt she meets with a bishop, she told me she is mostly inactive, but you are right. She mentioned if she ever goes back to church she intends to “sort everyone out!” and I think that was in reference to them being judgmental.
I am also so sensitive now and really struggle to know who I can trust. I guess it’s not surprising after you realise you can’t even trust your own family. It’s helpful to here your experience too.

sbg Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> She can see all the pictures, but she
> maybe protecting you from people you used to know.

Thanks, I hadn’t thought of that. This would seem more likely.

whether someone is dissing us or not. I think everyone of us on social media goes through these feelings. I do with my boyfriend. I finally decided I just don't care. I think he worries more about what I say about his posts than I do his now. I only get on a few times a day to check my messages as I message my daughter, my boyfriend, a few of my friends, my sister. I hate texting. So I read a few posts and then I move on. I tend to wonder if people wonder why I don't like all their posts. Sometimes I'm just too lazy to click on whatever it is I like.

My daughter posts TBM things all the time. I purposely don't like them. There was a post she had yesterday that was hidden except for certain people. I wrote, "I don't get to see this one. I'm blocked from it. Oh no! ha ha ha ha." I'm sure it had to do with mormonism.

Some of my friends never like anything I post. Some go in spurts. My best friend, we've had issues over mormonism, but she only likes some things now and then, but she is very busy with a sick husband, but she likes his ex-wife's posts and not mine. I think that is funny. She has never liked that woman until I found out who she is and told her she is much prettier than the ex. And she is.

Don't let it get to you. I'd be a lot more upset by what your brother and SIL did. I think I post too much on fb and I don't post all that often. Anyone who wants to see my page can go to my page. Start with Colleen Christensen and then my last name is a P. I'm sure it has been posted here. I post a lot about dogs. I don't post many of my own pictures or pictures of my kids.

I can’t find you!
Thanks for helping me put this in perspective with your experience of using it.
I guess I have nothing to be upset about, I am just worried about getting hurt again.

Parkinson. Not many pictures of me. I don't like pictures. Never have. Even when I was YOUNG. There is a picture of my back where I'm hugging my daughter after she came out of the temple and my son is hugging her husband and she is standing there in her wedding dress with blonde hair in the big picture.

I know I've put my whole name down here before. I don't know why I felt what sheepish about it yesterday. I'm actually rather shy in real life. Well, a guy I used to work with said I'm reserved, not shy.

I agree, cl2. It's too easy to read things not necessarily intended into someone else's action or inaction on FB. Social media should exist in anyone's life only to the extent that it improves one's quality of life or at least increases one's overall enjoyment. Once any social medium causes angst, it's probably time to reevaluate its utility in one's life.

My wife and I both routinely untag ourselves from photos. We choose not to be at the mercy of anyone else's "Friends" list.

I may be wrong, but some people may not really understand all the ins and outs of fb. I wouldn't judge her so harshly if you really seem to get along just dandy in person.

Thanks, I don’t think I’m judging, but more like needing some reassurance that I don’t need to be hurt, as that keeps happening with people I trust. It’s good to hear I probably don’t need to worry.

As a non-Mormon, it seems to me that my Mormon friends and acquaintances have two lives. They have their lives in the outside world where they interact with non-Mormons (school, work, etc.) Then they have their Mormon lives which are completely separate unless they are trying to periodically recruit us to their church.

I remember once a Mormon acquaintance posted a photo of the interior of a new temple of FB. I made a positive comment about an interior architectural element, and I could tell from polite but confused responses from her and her church friends that I had inadvertently crossed some sort of a line. Evidently she had forgotten to post this to her Mormon group only.

Another time I PM'd another acquaintance, commenting that I could never sit through a three-hour church block (when that was a thing.) She responded politely but basically withdrew from me after that. It was the only "negative" comment I had ever made to her about her church.

Then TBMs will cheerfully spam your feed with church memes like somehow you will ignore their inadvertent snubs and be eager to join their church. Ugh.

That’s an interesting point. Two lives. This explains a lot of weird behaviour that I see, and you’ve got me thinking.

Most of my posts get ignored by the few mormons I’m linked to. I always assume they don’t see them in their feed; after all they all have hundreds more friends than I do (i.e. each other). But then I will post or do the odd thing which mormons can safely approve of, and suddenly they like the post, comment on it and it feels over the top. They are also obviously seeing all my posts but ignoring them.
With family especially, this is true, and I’m wondering now in light of all their confusing behaviour IRL (I’ve posted about this) if they are attempting to positively condition me to behave. Plus they have their own world unless they decide to step out of it. Two lives plus conditioning others. That’s why IRL they ignore me and then are sometimes super nice - it’s when it’s on their terms only. I think this is on purpose, at least in my case.

I think I just had a lightbulb moment.
Maybe this is how they operate. And then they act surprised when we aren’t friendly when they do or say something ‘nice’ and we are then also supposed to feel guilty.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/12/2019 07:32PM by LJ12.

summer Wrote:

>
> I remember once a Mormon acquaintance posted a
> photo of the interior of a new temple of FB. I
> made a positive comment about an interior
> architectural element, and I could tell from
> polite but confused responses from her and her
> church friends that I had inadvertently crossed
> some sort of a line. Evidently she had forgotten
> to post this to her Mormon group only.
>


Summer, as a notanymormon, I've had similar experiences. It seems to the active Mormons that if what they're posting or asking about is in any way related to the Church, I'm supposed to know my place as a de facto ex (I haven't resigned and have no current plan to do so) and to politely refrain from chiming in on such conversations regardless of my experiences or even if it's only a matter of opinion having essentially nothing to do with adherence to church teachings.

My wife is a nevermo who earned her undergrad degrees and master's from BYU. She follows a few Instagram accounts from people she knew while she was at BYU. She rarely responds anymore because even if the topic or question is related to parenting, most of the women don't consider anyone's response to be valid if it's not coming from a member of the COJCOLDS, as though Mormons are required to have a different way of dealing with diaper rash than does anyone else.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/12/2019 10:31PM by scmd1.

I want to address this. Because, I finally realized, after all of these years, that these are not my people. Not my tribe. I have been treated more than shabby by Mormons since I can remember. I am ashamed and saddened at myself for continually trying to please these people and not realizing for all my life, that their rudeness is not and never was my fault!!!! I lived a stricter Mormon lifestyle than so many of my judgements accusers. And yet, continued to be deemed unworthy. And wow!!! Am I done!!! After pulling away from the church, their bad behaviors raged on and even increased. Because, how dare I say that enough is enough!!!!! Done with the abuse!!! Though, I think that the only way to be truly done with this asshats is to move further away! As .you seem to have seen. Their toxic behavior even travels

Yes, they really don’t like it when you say enough is enough. The mormon cult is all about control, as is all abuse.
I had the experience of not being treated well when I was mormon too, and I was also very “righteous” in terms of a mormon lifestyle, but I didn’t fit in. Everything and everyone was so fake, it blows my mind. I regret becoming Fb friends with mormon family; I did it in one of my attempts to love them and be close, and that was probably a mistake. But it isn’t real life. It’s very eye opening to be friends with never-mormon people, and to discover how normal and non judgmental they are, especially in comparison.

with. The ones in this neighborhood are mostly really nice to me and still treat me as a friend. Most never try to get me to go back to church--only one. I allow them to be my friends on fb. There aren't a lot of them and some are actually not very active. Those I can tolerate. If they post anything mormon (a few never do), I just ignore that post. Like I said, I don't see everything that is posted by everyone. I am only friends with one person from my childhood--the girl next door and her younger sister. She was pretty wild and now she is TBM (well, she puts on the act--she cheated on her husband a few years ago).

You can also be friends and unfollow them. I've done that. A good friend I had that I went to school with, but we didn't become friends until we worked together years after high school, I am friends with, but I don't follow her. She and her husband share the account and everything they post is mormon. My cousins on my father's side are mostly out and I'm friends with many of them. I'm not friends with any cousins on my mother's side. I'm not even friends with my aunt on fb, who I do write to and she messes with my head now and then, but she is 83 and I tend to believe won't last much longer. She is my mother's last sibling.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/13/2019 10:38AM by cl2.

I recently tagged the people in a group photo. One of my favorites in the group untagged herself.

Then I realized that she is in a professional setting and doesn't want her private life "out there" on display for anyone who only knows her casually. There are boundaries to observe between public and private life.

These days people are aware that employers, etc. peruse one's social media. For some people it is necessary to limit what is linked to them. Just a matter of privacy.