Be glad he told you and give him the support he needs as he NEEDS you at this time. Keeping his secret is of the utmost importance as he has to be extremely fragile. You can try to get him to tell his father, but in the end, it has to be his choice. Betraying his trust could be devastating.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/08/2019 10:16AM by cl2.
I get what you mean by "ethical delimma", I but think the emotional well-being of this young person is at stake. I agree w/ cl2 that he is very fragile - so fragile and vulnerable that it wouldn't take much for him to escalate into depression, suicidal ideation, and self-harm. Given that dad is a TBM and from a church that is notoriously hard on individuals like your son - I would not tell dad. His potential reaction and response could be so detrimental to your son's well being. Better to give your son the emotional support he needs at this time via therapy as applicable.
I agree with cl2. But this is a difficult situation to be in and hard to know the right thing to do so I am not sure I have any great wisdom to impart but this is my gut reaction:
Your husband has a right to know if you dented the car or overspent the bank account or paid to have your child's grades changed as seems to be the trend nowadays haha.
But this is different. You have a right to your own private relationship with your child. He confided a confidence because he feels he can trust you. Give the situation time to play out on its own. Your child needs a lot of love now and to know someone has his back and he chose you.
In future, if your husband is upset, you can say that you have been torn to bits because of this but you felt you had to honor your child's request to support him. That is true.
No need to rush anything.
Having been a gay Mormon kid I have to say the best thing I ever did was keep my secret as long as possible. I had to find my way on my own. But that was the fifties. Today it all seems like such a different river but the rapids are still there. Good luck.
Wasn't finished. My family was super TBM to the max. Dad was bishop 11 years of my youth. If I had told them I was gay, confirmed it, I can't even imagine how horrendous my youth would have been.
Your husband may feel he needs to talk to the bishop about it and then your child's life will most likely be turned upside down.
Please check out the thread by Lori C and the thread by Summer on the conference talks by Oaks and his ilk before you even consider telling a TBM husband. Nothing has changed with the church on these matters---they have just added more camouflage to their facade as you know I'm sure.
And ghawd didn’t say, “Woe unto those kids who want or need to be different, for I am a straight ghawd and will force obedience upon those who pervert missionary-position sex, lest my kingdom become a porn-hub of good times in these, the last days.”
There is so much ghawd hasn’t said, but which mormons are certain they heard him say...
The field is ripe, all ready to harvest, which is weird, because the mormons never planted a single viable seed.
You sound like Evergreen. Their way of trying to convert gays to straight was to teach them how to play sports and fix cars. My "husband" can fix anything and he is gay.
If this child came to his mom and told her something like this, you better believe he MEANS IT and it isn't just a phase. It is attitudes like yours that keep LGBT kids from coming out.
My son came out about 2yrs ago, he asked me not to tell his Dad( my husband).I still have not told my husband, this is not my story to tell it is my Son's. Your son trusts you, don't break that trust by telling his Dad.
This reminds me of my ex. Before we started dating, her son had come out as gay and she did the TBM thing - disowned him and kicked him out of the house. Red flag? What red flag?
How old is the child and did you ask him why he wants to be a girl? If he is very little, it could be a whim.Preschoolers could have other reasons for saying this and forget about it In a few days.If he is older or there are other signs he may well be gay or tran. In any case, I would keep his secret until he is ready to share.Both of my sisters have tran kids and both accept them. One is very TBM. There is hope that Dad will come around.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/09/2019 02:44AM by bona dea.
bona dea Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > How old is the child and did you ask him why he > wants to be a girl? If he is very little, it could > be a whim.Preschoolers could have other reasons > for saying this and forget about it In a few > days.If he is older or there are other signs he > may well be gay or tran. In any case, I would keep > his secret until he is ready to share.Both of my > sisters have tran kids and both accept them. One > is very TBM. There is hope that Dad will come > around.
Trans people are not real. It is a made of condition for attention.
I didn't say that. I have two in my immediaten family and accept them as they are. However if the child is two or three years old, he may want to be a girl because he thinks his sister is getting more attention or was invited somewhere he wasnt and it could be a fleeting thing. If he says it repeatedly, dresses.like a girl, likes girly things and is old enough to express himself , then pay attention to him. You might want to read my whole post.This kid may very well be tran, but you shouldn't label him on one statement if that is all you have.We don't know if there is more because the poster didn't say
In the 60s, I babysat a three year old who was very boyish. She hated dresses,had short hair and said her name was Sam, not L. After a few months she got tired of it. Although she remained a tomboy, she grew up to like boys a lot more and a lot earlier than her parents liked. She married young, had three kids, is still happily married and is a staunch TBM. It would have been unfair and inaccurate to label her as gay or tran on the basis of what she said as a three year old. I admit that I wondered and her parents probably did too,but she turned out to identify female and straight. On the other hand, my niece always wanted to be male.
Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 10/09/2019 05:00PM by bona dea.
In my experience, Mormons are not as trustworthy or loyal or honest as other groups of people.
Remember than your TBM husband's first loyalty is to the cult.
You would be wise to put your FIRST loyalty to your son!
You have no idea what your TBM husband will do. My Mormon neighbors dis-owned and dis-inherited their son, when they found out he was gay--the poor boy tried to kill himself, but his friends rescued him.
Thank God your boy has you for a mother! He needs you in his corner, right now, and always! Remember, the Mormon cult does not teach, preach, or practice unconditional love. Your son will need love coming from you. Bless you!
Ask your son if he is doing this to be part of a fad or popular. If he is serious, get him the mental help he needs pronto. This kind of behavior is becoming an insidious epidemic and is hurting our world.
ThrowAway Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I don't like keeping it secret from him.
Why? It sounds like this is changing your mind? I would think this says more about your relationship than your child. I would hate to not be a united parental unit in important matters with regards to my children.
Being united with truth kindness - seems more imperative to me.
I assume you made it in a very positive way which it certainly could be. But there is a philosophy out there that the parents need to deliberate in secret and issue ruling in public, which I think is completely messed up.
Either way, if this woman chooses not to honor the wishes of somebody who confided in her that could be the end of that relationship.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/09/2019 09:33PM by jay.
jay Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > United parental units are overrated.
Why?
> Being united with truth kindness - seems more > imperative to me.
Kindness is great except it is expressed in a context of others who hopefully also love and care for their child. You reduce the father to a sperm donor in your "kindness."
I understand what you’re feeling. My daughter came out to me but wasn’t ready to come out to her mom. It took her almost a year to work up the courage to tell her after she told me.
Yes, I wanted to share that with my wife. However, it wasn’t my story to tell. It was my daughter’s. I knew that would potentially piss off my wife for keeping the secret and not telling her, but I wasn’t about to risk destroying the trust with my daughter. I wasn’t about to risk having my daughter feel there was no safe space for her. I wasn’t about to risk losing my daughter permanently.
When my daughter did come out to my wife, my wife responded perfectly. She hugged her, told her she loved her and that her finding peace and happiness was all she wanted for her. My daughter was so relieved.
My wife understood why I didn’t say anything. She agreed that in this circumstance, it was the right decision.
Your child’s safety is paramount. You be that Mama Dragon!
I don't see anything unethical about keeping a confidence of this nature. Your son is confiding his feelings. He isn't comfortable confiding in his dad. That's up to him. There is nothing his father can do to change his son's feelings. It is your son's right to keep his feelings to himself. The fact that he told you something so intimate simply speaks to his love and trust in you.