I’ll start with the basics: who are we, and why are we here? In a man’s search for happiness, these questions are always with us. We were born, and sometime later, we gained our sense of individuality. What’s that all about? As a fifth-generation Mormon raised in congregations throughout the United States, I feel qualified to deliver the gist of Mormonism--its core meaning. The question I posed at the top gets right to it.

We are spirits in a material world, as Sting proclaimed. One might think him a Mormon, if not for his tantrum sex. But we are. Our bodies are simply vessels by which we walk the valley of the shadow. When we die our spirits are freed, and we don’t know how, but we are given new, improved versions of our bodies to inhabit and enjoy. Somehow, the new versions will be disease-free. We don’t know how this works. But the next life will be just like this one, only much, much better. We don’t find that at all naive. We can believe just about any shit you can imagine, frankly. One of our articles of faith brags that “we believe all things.” I mean, look at the hogwash I’m feeding you now, and I believe every word of it.

So we die and go to heaven, right? Not so fast, cowboy. This isn’t some kind of equitable setup. Any system that lacks advantage is not to our advantage. We have to get the most, by far. Being Mormon means you can qualify for the Celestial level. This is the gated community of heaven, featuring hillside views, clean, quiet streets, and servants. That’s the best part. You get non Mormon servants who must obey you for eternity. Many of these people will have the darker complexions. We don’t know how they will be made to serve us, but we know they will. I’ll have a valet for my righteousness, perhaps an Indian chap. Short of stature and brittle. Handmaids, of course. And I’ll get to marry women who died as unmarried Mormons or virgins of any faith. This is Brigham Young’s promise, and he was a great prophet. Murderer, gun-runner, conspirator and seducer of women too, but a man’s gotta have a personal life.

Non Mormons will go to lower kingdoms and live in apartments or condos. No homeless, so see? It’s so much better. Oh, yeah, you get your genitals removed. Then you have a smoothie body like a doll. Dolls don’t get to fuck, so, hah ha. Mormons fuck day and night in heaven. You didn’t think we were going to read poetry, did you? No, we’ll fuck. That alone is enough to get any Mormon man out of bed for priesthood meeting. We’re real men, ha ha. You other guys are just future smoothies, so who has the big dick now? Mormon men will be gods who screw and reproduce to populate their own planets. Through some mysterious process, gods mate and have “spirit babies,” Those spirit babies are what we are right now. Your mom god and dad god had sex, ha ha. We were in the pre-existence after spirit birth. People who were good there were born into favorable circumstances here. People who were bad there were born in Africa and China, mostly. If you are born Mormon and you reject the religion, you are one of the worst criminals in human history. You may find yourself cast into outer darkness.

But our Lord is merciful. If you turn down my offer to join us, you’ll just have your dick cut off. Notice that we don’t have a Hell? That’s because our Jesus is nice. He won’t behead you unless you have it coming (draws finger across neck).



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/10/2019 08:03PM by donbagley.

You had me at "tantrum sex", Don :-D

And then it just got better and better. Perhaps you should propose this text to the "church" as a modern replacement for the BOM...