There is a place in my heart that glows with contentment on sabbath. It starts when I see a Mormon I know at the store on Sunday. The Spirit fills me with unspeakable contentment when I realize that they are trying to avoid making eye contact and, almost in a supernatural rapture I chase them down and talk to them.

I am not fluent in the Adanic language so let the king's English, in its limitations, paint the happiness that fills my heart.

I see my assistant coach. A man for whom I hod the utmost respect and who, in turn shares his most precious treasure with me: his constant, relentless testimony, particularly it's sweet dire warnings that I, if I were to return to the flock, life would be a dream.

His wife saw my wife and like a little child, stepped back into the toilet paper aisle. Still recessed in their Sunday best, they quieted their children so they would remain unnoticed.
But the spirit, of vengeance, spoke to me and told me that the chariot of public humiliation was there to pick up this good family in order to take them to shametown. I, an instrument in the hands of the lord, was to be the driver.

I came upon them with great haste, upon which the husband exclaimed: My wife wanted me to grill, but shame be upon me, I did not defrost any meat, so we find ourselves in Indumea (or the world) to buy its most carnal of offerings, discounted flank steaks.

The wife's face, red, smiling, looking down...the children's heads hung in shame, brought upon me such force of joy that I was not able to digest it in one sitting.

How can these saint be more concerned about being seeing by someone who does not give a single fuc&, rather than keeping one of their most basic of commandments? Why hide? was it bad ONLY becuase they were seen? Why not try to impress these lessons upon their children by example, instead of teaching them to be duplicitous? Why teach little kids to hide in shame? Why come to the store on a Sunday and then feel horrible about it? Just do it!

Of course as I digested these morsels of public self-humiliation did the sweet spirit of promise whisper onto my ear: Yeah, verily these folks are taught to be hypocrites and social posers 24/7. Only such indoctrination, such childish moral stunted growth would force two grown adult and their 4 children to hide behind toilet paper.

This is my work and my glory; to bring to pass cognitive dissonance and moral shame upon one and all saints, amen

The only thing that could make this better is if you saw a six pack of Bud in cart.

VZ Gardner Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The only thing that could make this better is if
> you saw a six pack of Bud in cart.

Or even better some actual beer.

someone call an ambulance, because that stab wound is deep!

Love the story and you couldn't have told it any better.

Great post. It's fun to watch TBMs squirm.

I ran into a TBM at a bakery, just after she had purchased a coca-cola. She was so embarrassed - like she'd been caught in a horrible sin - even though coke isn't really against the word of wisdom. She felt she had to explain why she was purchasing the coke (she had a headache). I felt sorry for her, a woman in her 70s, feeling like she had to justify her purchase of a soft drink.

Well if she is in her 70s she remembers when it was a BIG FAT SIN to drink a Coke. They didn't even have them in vending machines. Oh no. You had to go in to a store so they could call your parents on you. Yeah, decades later I am still bitter.

LOL! I remember being told on. Shaking my head. Now I don't even like soda much.

I love your story, and the language, too, sb! Thanks for sharing your joy!

Oh, I loved running into my TBM neighbors in the local grocery store on Sunday! I also made it a point to go right up to them and say hi. The excuses I got were priceless!

"Only such indoctrination, such childish moral stunted growth would force two grown adult and their 4 children to hide behind toilet paper."

When you gotta go and hide your shiz, it is convenient.

I'm cracking up. :)

Couple of observations:

Mormons are dumb in the same way that horror movie ensemble casts are dumb: when the chainsaw fires up, why run to hide in the obviously haunted house when you could just get in your car and drive away? If they're worried about being "caught"--and obviously they are--then why drag the entire family in? How do the four children help buy flank steak? Why not leave one adult and four kids out in the car, so one adult can stealthily zip in and out? Better yet, why not go home, change out of your I'm-a-Mormon attire, and just send one adult back for flank steak in jeans and a sweat shirt (and perhaps a concealing ball cap too). Frankly, they're not even worried about the grocery store employees spotting their obvious hypocrisy, just people they know.

When subordinates constantly badger you essentially about your unworthiniess, it's a clear sign that they hold you in contempt. "I should be in charge," is what he's constantly thinking. Next time he shares his testimony, I'd remind him of what a hypocrite he is, and invite him to share his testimony only when he's walking the walk, not just talking the talk. Since it's impossible to prove a negative (that he's not "sinning"), then he really won't be able to do it again.

I remember an incident from when I was still active, but my belief was teetering. I went to a Home Depot store during the Saturday morning session of general conference. I ran into a guy from my ward. I (half nervously) said “I guess we should be watching conference, huh?” He replied “that’s why I have a DVR.” After an uncomfortable pause, he said “maybe I’ll program it next time.”

We both laughed and went our separate ways.

Once, I had to go shopping on a Sunday. (Back when I was working five days a week, it was easier!) I ran into another single mother who had 12-year-old twin girls whose class I taught.

The twins were ecstatic at having caught Sister Catnip shopping on a Sunday. Their mom wasn't all that Molly-Mo, so we settled on "I won't tell, if you don't."

Can you believe that just like that, we were catapulted back to elementary school??

Once, when living in Rexburg, I was at the store and bought some non-alcoholic beer. I didn't feel I was doing anything wrong since it was non-alcoholic (I know some of you will say it does have some small % of alcoholic but it's not enough to quibble over) and I was buying it for my father who was never a Mormon. He was nice enough to drink non-alcoholic beer when in my home.

I realized that I might run into someone from Ricks while I was there with my near beer and swore never to get my non-alcoholic beer in town again but rather go out of town or to a 7-11. This was because I heard so many saints give the lecture on avoiding "even the appearance of evil".

Now I cannot believe I was such a schmuck. But it might have cost me my job at Ricks if the right people told the wrong people. It was in the days when the Pickle was the President.

Strain at a gnat (minor items), swallow a camel (Honesty, Kindness, etc).

No excuses are mandatory or necessary, we just learn this habit in Mormonism. I believe we hear it from others so often it becomes the 11th Commandment....Thou shalt give excuses for not being perfect.

Attempting to break this "excuse-habit" was crazy difficult as I had learned it at home also. When I finally felt I was on the road to recovery, what a blessed relief!