Here's the latest about my mother who resides in a nursing home.

I ran into Mom's visiting teaching/ministering friend at the nursing home, who is actually a quite nice woman who just gossips with Mom (vs. ministering). Mom enjoys her a lot. I'll call her Sister B.

I asked Sister B. about some of the members of her ward that I still know and she gave me updates. Most of it involved health problems of the various old timers. Then I asked if she had been interacting with my sister (the narcissist I've spoken of often) she said that she never hears from my sister and asked how she would. I mentioned that Sis uses Facebook, Texting, etc. Sister B said that she doesn't use Facebook and knows nothing about my sister. Then I asked if Sis was interacting with anyone else in the ward. Sister B finally confessed that Sister M had bumped into my sister and heard that we were not allowing my sister to visit my mother and we (Mom and I) were treating her in many horrible ways. I suspected something like this had happened because one day, out of the blue, Sister M had made a visit to see my mother. Sister M had never given my mother the time of day in the past, not even when her father had the room next door to my mom's in the nursing home. But Sister M had been fairly close to my Sis in the past. Sister M believed my sister's lies and was being used by my sister to spy on Mom. Sis wanted to maintain the illusion that she has been shut out by us.

I had a chat with Sister B and explained that my sister has never been forbidden from seeing our mother, had never been abused in the ways she was telling Sister M, and that I was frustrated with Sis's lies. Sister B knew I was telling her the truth and mentioned that she would give Sister M a call and straighten her out. I had suspected my Sis was using her flying monkeys to do her dirty work of spreading falsehoods about me and my mother and now I know at least one of the ways she is doing it.

If it isn't hard enough working to keep my mother happy, healthy, and safe in a nursing home, I've got to constantly watch my back to see what lies are being told about me and about Mom. This is not a terribly large town so vicious stuff like this gets around fast and my sister is believable. This is exhausting and stressful.

They say that apostates "leave the church but cannot leave the church alone". I'll say in response, "If you are the one and only true church, why don't you try spreading only the truth?" then I'll leave you alone.

Man..your sis sounds like a B! Jeepers. With sis' like that who needs enemies.

P.S.

No wonder your Pooped. I would be pooped too.

I had a hard time figuring out how my sis came up with such outrageous things to say about me and my mother until someone pointed out that narcissists generally accuse others of the very things they are doing or want to do. Now I have a whole new insight into what she's been doing and thinking. It makes me shudder to think we share the same DNA.

Both my sibling and spouse are two peas in a pod. For years, they complained that my Mom (and her activity in the mormon church) was the culprit for creating disharmony and discord in the family. Now these two sociopaths have decided to attend a local community church. So out of the blue, one of them called up my Mom and told her to refrain from calling them on Sundays. They are busy worshipping and do not want to be bothered.

What is so crazy making is that if Sis is using the things she is doing and wants to do as her template to make us look awful, she KNOWS her thoughts and actions are despicable. It's not like she is just mistaking our actions. She KNOWS exactly what's she is doing is wrong.

I've been told to be forgiving because her actions are the result of a sickness as if she doesn't have any control over herself. This is hard to swallow. How can she not know she is behaving unacceptably, causing family disharmony, and ruining some of the most precious relationships a person can have? Why doesn't she seek help?

I'm both Pooped and Perplexed.

Maybe you're assuming your sister doesn't like behaving the way she behaves. What if she does? It seems like she's getting the results she wants. She knows it looks bad and so accuses others of doing what she's doing, but she still like the results she's getting.

Yup. People do what is working for them. Keep a close eye and don't trust her period.

The main problem is Mom's vulnerability. Sis has always used emotional blackmail on Mom and it worked every single time until I clued Mom into what was happening. When Mom understood what Sis was doing to her Mom finally stopped giving Sis everything she demanded. So now Sis is REALLY angry at Mom for not granting her every wish and desire. The few times she has visited Mom at the nursing home it has been ugly. Sis always ends up ranting, raving, and slamming the door behind her. Since nothing is working for her now I worry that she might ramp up the anger and actually do something violent. And who will protect Mom? Mom doesn't believe her daughter would ever hurt her but I've warned Mom to be careful and call for help if Sis ever shows up and gets out of control. Mom does have a call light she can push. And I have warned the staff to be alert if Sis ever shows up again.

I don't think this behavior is an illness, but s calculating plan to manipulate and control others for their selfish benefit.

This is a typical example for the Goops. My Mom will offer to have s holiday meal at her house. Siblings are invited and it works best because one rents a small apartment and another one lives out of state. The narcissists won't commit themselves until the last minute. The day before the narcissists call to complain about the holiday meal. They complain to my Mom that nobody in the family loves them and that they never have an opportunity to feed the family. So my Mom gives into their scheme and the venue is changed to their house.

So the dinner gets assigned to 12:30 (lunch time). This is done to set up as a trap to see if my Mormon Mom will actually show up because it would conflict with the 3 hour block. All the Goops are out of the church except for my Mom. So my Mom skips church to attend this way-to-early dinner. What do my narcissistic sibling and spouse do? They complain that there wasn't enough time to cook the food and make proper arrangements. And who do they complain about? My Mom!

I empathize with anyone who is trying to guess what these narcissists are doing.

Just my 2 cents but I just want to throw it out there that you don't have to forgive your sister. If you want to because it empowers you to, of course do what does yourself and your situation the best. But if you're being pressured to forgive when it doesn't feel right for you, remember that the narcissist doesn't care if you forgive them or not. They apologize because they know sometimes they have to say certain words so you will let them keep doing their thing.

Usually, I've found the people that care the most about whether or not I forgive the narcissist are the Flying Monkeys and myself. Like you I felt compelled for a long time by both outsiders and my own "conscience"(actually, it was toxic ideas of my own worthlessness from my childhood and the cult!) to be forgiving because I was dealing with a damaged person, but I finally came to two conclusions.

1. Forgiveness usually comes at the end stage of conflict resolution and is a social credit an offender earns. With a narcissist, there will never be the fair transaction of accusation, admission/apology, amends, forgiveness, closure. They do not play by those rules. Us non-narcissists handing out forgiveness because we know they're damaged people does not cause any positive change in the relationship and just exposes us to more opportunities to be used and damaged ourselves.

2. I think that unless they're acutely psychotic that they very much understand and are in control of their behavior. They have a sadistic streak and like what they do. It doesn't occur to them to get help because they have never thought they need help, because they are awesome and everyone else are pathetic weaklings who deserve what they get. They are certainly able to refrain from exploiting or abusing others when it suits their endgame...this is why so often, close acquaintances easily become Flying Monkeys because the narcissist has concealed their true nature from everyone but their favorite toys. But let's say for argument's sake that they honestly are victims of their nature, they can't help it, they are compelled beyond their ability to restrain themselves. I have had this debate with myself over and over for years and finally realized I was trapping myself in a false conundrum. It doesn't matter whether they can help it or not. A Grizzly bear can't help loving the taste of urban trash, but that doesn't matter to the park ranger, who will put a dart in its butt and ship it back into the woods. If it comes back to the trash cans again, the ranger will probably have to release the bear from the mortal coil. I'm sure the ranger forgives the bear but it doesn't change the stance he has to take on behalf of the community. So not only doesn't "can they help it?" matter, the forgiveness doesn't matter, either, in the end it comes down to what you will or will not allow to continue messing with your life. It's that simple. Be your own park ranger. Don't ever feel bad about being angry, about holding onto a sense of injustice and moral outrage, just because other people, society at large, or even your own desire to be a compassionate, generous person who does the right thing is pressing you to. How and when you forgive is your exclusive right.

Please be good to yourself, often. Taking care of your Mom is enough of a challenge. Anyone who will believe the narcissistic lies without questioning isn't worth your trouble and is beneath your dignity.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/01/2019 02:16AM by ptbarnum.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and insights.

I do have to remind myself to care for myself along with caring for Mom. She's a sweetie but sometimes the emotional strain of wondering if I've done my best to keep her happy, healthy, and safe in a miserable place like a nursing home gets me down. When I try to take a day or two off away from her she gets anxious and starts frantically calling me.

Recently, I came to the conclusion that it's worth the extra money to hire someone to sit with her when I need a break. She could do with someone new to talk with and interact with and I just have to have a breather now and again.

I think that's really a smart thing to do. It provides variety for your Mom, gives you some time for yourself, and if your sister shows up, it might keep her from trying more of her shenanigans on your Mom. Narcissists don't like witnesses.

It really sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can, and your obvious care and concern for your Mom says volumes about you as a person.