mds's heartful thread brought to mind this-- that I read two articles a while ago in the NYT about "Cancelling." Apparently this is a new term the younger generations use to cut someone from the herd permanently when they have done or said something considered unforgivable. In many cases the offense should have been called out, but the immediate "sentencing to life in social prison" was a bit over the top for me. Sound familiar to some of us? Like taking shunning to the next level.

What made me see so much of Mormonism in this in-depth article with many people interviewed, was the focus on the cancelled having no chance to redeem themselves or be listened to and understood. Not even a Court of Love, haha. The cancellations were final and often cruel.

However, in interviewing the cancelled, often the effect was that after the initial severe rejection their lives improved. They knew who their real friends were, and most evaluated what had happened in a way that made them grow. Most said they were glad it happened. That is one great reason why there is this place for anyone hurting to have some real support and kindness.

So who really loses in the shunning? The judge or the judged? Who is spiritually atrophied the most in the cancellation?



On the other hand, when close family shuns, its pretty hard to see the up side. Can rip you to shreds.

In the temple recommend grilling, rather than ask if you hang out with apostates (I don't remember the wording), a more appropriate question would be, "do you cruelly shun someone?" That should go along with "are you fair and just to your fellow man?"

"do you cruelly shun someone?"

Well, would that be a detriment or a requirement?

Haha. You really have to wonder, don't you?

What is now called "cancelling" has long been known (especially in the UK) as "sending him to Canterbury" - when a group sends someone "to Canterbury" they simply treat the victim as non-existent.

Thanks. I like knowing all the terms. So many to keep track of and hard to do when you aren't part of the social media world.

I can confirm this fact.

--Lot's Wife, writing from Canterbury

Were you originally from Bath?

Good one.

More often in the bath.

With the usual candles, incense. . . voodoo dolls.

Personally, as another Brit, I would never "send to Canterbury", I would send them "to Coventry", meaning give them the silent treatment. Never heard it with Canterbury.

Ah, that's right. I've heard it that way before.

--Lot's Wife, writing from Coventry

He's dead to me.

Who? God?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's not a punishment to be shunned by an asshole.

And you have earned the right to say so!

Haha. They could have saved a whole column of the paper if they had just printed that one sentence.

If that asshole shares 50 percent of your DNA sometimes it is.

One thing my husband and I have learned in the 17 years (as of today) we've been married is that being ostracized by family isn't the end of the world. It was definitely hard for him when his two daughters shunned him, but over time, we both came to realize that life continues to be worth living. There are many wonderful people in the world who appreciate us, want to spend time with us, and treat us with basic respect. I'd much rather be ostracized than abused and exploited by so-called loved ones.

That being said, my husband is delighted that his younger daughter reconnected. They have both benefited immensely from the renewed relationship. Maybe someday, her older sister will come around... but if she doesn't, that's her choice. Life goes on. We all have to find our own paths.

Congrats on your Anniversary :)

Thank you, Susan. Overall, it's been 17 marvelous years... and I have to thank my husband's ex wife for introducing him to Mormonism. If she hadn't, I probably would have never met you guys on RfM. Ex Mormons are some of my favorite people!

And you are one of our favorite Nevermos :) Thank you for letting us come on this journey with you. It has been quite the ride!

Thanks for your post, Done & Done. It's always good to hear evidence that you are normal. My life improved, also, when the shunners withdrew themselves from it. I've been much happier associating with good, kind people. Everyone has their faults, but at least the people I know outside of Mormonism are interesting, and/or funny, and/or share common interests and goals, etc. I never needed any "ministers" or intimate underwear-buddies. I don't need to be that close to others. I don't need to divulge my private life, my sex-life, my methods of birth-control and family planning, my finances, etc. Mormons were way too invasive for me.

Glad they are GONE!

What a pleasure it is to have them remove themselves, and leave me guilt-free, and with yet another reason to dislike them. I feel comfortable and justified in ignoring them. I don't have to give them any money or help, either. What a relief!

I just wish my worst family members had shunned me, before they beat me and robbed me and made me feel like dirt.

Shunning is a "blessing in disguise", to use a corny Mormon colloquialism.

I lost ALL of my friendly Mormon neighbors, Mormon friends, Mormon family members, and it hurt at first, but, guess what! I just made out my Christmas card and gift list, and I have MORE friends than when I was a Mormon! Go figure. The "Lone and Dreary World" is another Mormon lie. It's friendly and loving out here in the sunlight!

I have been pondering this for a bit. I think part of it for me was the constant wear of not being myself. God forbid you smack your toe and say shit. Or have coffee in your house. Or wine in your fridge. Or commit the huge sin of - gasp - having a box of cake mix in the cupboard. We are always expected to conform for them but it is rare that they ever change for us or just shut up and get off our backs. The constant wear of not offending them gets old. Fast.

It's endless. The constant sense of not being quite enough.

It's abuse.