My son and daughter both called me after Thanksgiving to let me know what has happened. They also called to apologize to me for not believing me about the emotional and economic abuse I suffered at the hands of their devoutly Mormon father.
Their ‘super TMB’ retired 69 year old dad (The X to me for over 30 years) arrived at Thanksgiving (shared with our sons and daughter and their spouses and kids) with his current wife (#4) Vickie 61 in tears.
When my daughter asked why Vickie was in tears: her dad blamed her for all her ‘issues’. My daughter is a social worker so she dug right in to find out what had happened. She cornered the current step-mother: what was going on and was she OK?
It all came out how he belittles/criticizes her constantly, (she is the only one working), he makes endless promises that his current MLM/schemes will pay out soon if she would just be patient & how her questioning him about what he does all day is proof that she does not have enough faith in Heavenly Father and she is not a good member of the church.
Note: That is what he did to me for over 18 years. Only I had 4 small children to provide for and he would quit jobs all the time. I quit counting after 13. Then all his get rich quick schemes that he would pour whatever funds we had into. He lied to Bishops and his family that I was all to blame for my lack of faith-so his failures were really all my fault.
The bishops and his family all believed him. Even with 4 marriages under his belt-he just married crazy women, nothing is his fault.
Then Vickie dropped the bombshell & told my daughter that she has had enough (4 years) and has talked with her grown daughter in SLC telling her that she is ready to leave this marriage & move in with her. Her son has offered to bring his truck to help her move.
So then my daughter finds out that her dad and Vickie have talked to the bishop or a counselor and going on a marriage retreat to work on their marriage.
The kicker is that now after all these years: he apparently has ADD/ADHD and has been taking Adderall for about 2 weeks. He feels great. My son spoke with him that he needs to not get divorced again.
Thanks for letting me vent-does anyone out there know that much about adults with ADD? Does Adderall help? I just figured he did have some sort of mental narcissism but mostly just a fake nice guy who is really a jerk asshole in disguise.

The medication should improve his focus. But it won't solve his problem of being an irresponsible jerk.

Exactly.

My DH has adult ADHD. He takes Adderall. The job changing is definitely a thing with ADHD. As are the grandios dreams of striking it rich. Plans changing on a dime. Sounds very familiar to me.

However, the rest of what you describe is NOT due to ADHD. It's because he's a narcissistic asshole.

I took Adderall for adult ADHD. It actually helped me to get stuff done instead of being overwhelmed with everything.

I liked it. It helped me.

To give all information Adderall is almost the same as crystal meth. An oxygen and 2 hydrogen atoms difference. Adderall takes longer to get across blood brain barrier.

Don't let that freak you out. Meth or speed etc has been around for over 70 years.

"It actually helped me to get stuff done instead of being overwhelmed with everything."

BINGO! My experience exactly.

"It actually helped me to get stuff done instead of being overwhelmed with everything."



I need Adderall. I feel so overwhelmed that it is hard to get anything done.

Sorry to hear this, but others have said, medication alone won't help much with marital issue. DH diagnosed in mid-50s, Adderall didn't work, but good old dexedrine does. Didn't solve the rest of his problems though. He's been in therapy for several years--marriage continuing depended on it.I see some progress. If he doesn't have therapy, wife #4 will be out the door soon.

Also an adult ADHD person here, who also has narcolepsy (sudden and irresistible urge to sleep). I take Adderall daily because it covers both disorders very well.

I would describe it this way: Adderall is to paying diligent attention to tasks as putting on glasses is to reading fine print.

There are different subtypes of ADHD, not everyone is physically hyperactive. I have certain thought functions that move very quickly, such as interpreting language, reacting to subtle environmental cues, and fast decision making time, but I am not integrated well between brain and body, and have trouble with prioritizing (or sticking with a predetermined priority while another one is itching on my mind). I have very poor staying power when trying to complete tasks I find especially boring.

I have a different sense of the passage of time than non-ADHDers seem to have. Because I think so quickly, fifteen minutes can honestly feel like forever and I find my thoughts reaching out to subjects other than the one which rightly should be at hand, so it is easy to make 1000 little mistakes from time pacing issues and distractions.

I also feel less of a "reward rush" than it seems like my very not-ADHD spouse does. He positively glows when he's finished the yard work, but I just don't feel that "good" when I've done something, I'm just glad the torture is over for at least a short time when I finish a load of dishes.

My biggest issue is procrastination and avolition (inability to force oneself to start things).

Adderall smooths out both the mental overspeed and physical sluggishness, enabling me to feel more comfortable while being more successfully productive and goal oriented, and basically be all the things good adults are expected to be.

Oh, and it conveniently keeps me from falling asleep while doing important things, like cooking and sitting upright at my desk.

While some emotional immaturity can be found in people with ADHD, the kind of blaming and criticizing the OP is described is NOT part of the disorder. ADHD can make people blurt out whatever crosses their mind like a shooting star, but the aggression behind the comments under discussion here are more indicative of abusive, narcissistic or borderline behavior, so the newly diagnosed ADHDer we're talking about here probably shouldn't stop with Adderall alone, nor is ADHD likely the only diagnosis he has. ADHD can be coexistent with many other mental and personality disorders, and it takes a good doctor some time usually to fine tune the ADHD medication experience.

A bit about the whole crystal meth thing...yes, it's only a slightly different molecule but those atomic differences make ALL the difference. I know people who have used/abused both meth and Adderall and they say when taken properly, Adderall is a teddy bear, whike meth taken at any dose is a rabid Grizzly. Adderall also hasn't been made by a backroom amateur chemist or filtered through lovely substances like benzene or acetone, so the speed you buy from Big Pharma is much *better* speed and isn't likely to make you stay up for 9 days, get paranoid or dig imaginary bugs out of your skin.

Last, Adderall works differently on ADHDers than it does on "normies". We have differently wired brains. It generally tends to make us calmer and helps us keep balanced, whereas on normies it tends to wind up and agitate them so...when people talk about their experiences on stimulants, one must consider which type of brain they have.

My Buddhist friend has ADHD but he controls it with meditation.

I've heard in my CHADD (ADHD support organization) group that a lot of adults do that. I also practice daily meditation and find it beneficial for basically everything that's wrong with me. I highly recommend it to everyone no matter what their neurological level of health because it's just so good for stress relief.

I personally can't get by without the Adderall though, due to the narcolepsy. I can drift off into REM standing up and even while moving.If I get comfortable with my eyes closed in meditation, I will be asleep in seconds without my stimulant.

The smartypants researchers out there have also suggested that Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation may be a good alternative to drugs for ADHD. My neurologist has suggested it for my assorted wiring issues. If I see benefit, I will return and report.

I was thinking more about OP's ex last night and the history of abuse he heaped on OP, and that her kids even apologized for not believing her. Now he's perpetrating the same esteem-crushing stuff on the new spouse. It just doesn't jive with straight ADHD. We're usually on the receiving end of anger and criticism for the stupid doo-doo we get into, not the giving end.

Adderall can't help a person be less of an abuser. Maybe meditation would, but a person has to want to get better.

Thanks to everyone for their info with ADD/ADHD & Adderall. I appreciate your experiences more than you know because this is dealing with a TBM Mormon who has ADD and possibly other issues. The church can be such a mask for people like the X. Being a priesthood holder & super 'spiritual' and in tune with the spirit---he got away with being irresponsible & cruel towards his family.
I spent over a year in therapy because of the X and his emotional abuse towards me that continued well after the divorce was final.
Learning that how he is -is not my fault.
The grown kids are just banking on the Adderall to be the cure all to make their dad 'normal'. But my guess is: He will like the meth like highs but with everything he will grow tired of it and want to do something else.
I will keep you posted. Thanks again.

I am glad you got support and are not taking the blame for what he does and how he is. Good on you, never let go of that. I think the kids may find you a very good example to help them discover the same thing for themselves.

If they are expecting the Adderall to be a magic pill that fixes everything, I am afraid they are in for a disappointment. Even if ADHD is the root disorder, it's not like taking antibiotics to clear up strep throat. Even with meds I still need to make lists, ask people for reminders, set timers and hold myself accountable when my heavy combo of disorders complicate life for other people. Sometimes the ADHD, or the other things, still win.

I feel for you, Vickie and your kids. It's hard to live in the vicinity of a flaming crash dummy that likes to shower in gasoline. At least you're done with it, aside from whatever support you give your kids. Best wishes.

PT, you and I may be twins separated at birth.

I never dreamed I could have ADD until my son was diagnosed with it. I knew that it was very likely hereditary, and I knew as well that his father did not have it.

But me?? How could I possibly have it? I thought back to school years. Straight A student, unless you considered math, which I found maximally boring, so I just tuned it out. No amount of punishment could make me pay attention.

I realized that nearly everything else was interesting or appealing to me at some level, so I could - and did - focus and learn.

I got stuck in a job for which I had very little liking or aptitude, but I couldn't quit for economic reasons. In many ways, the job was a lot like math - very precise, only one right way to do things, etc. But it pays a nice retirement, so there is that.

Funny how it's math with you, too, Catnip. I just couldn't get it, didn't want to get it, couldn't be made to get it. Mom never said there was a twin out there but you make me wonder, lol!

I was diagnosed right after I was married. Full-time job, new marriage, new mortgage...so many opportunities to mess it all up. I went to my first psychologist who asked me what I thought might be wrong. I said "Everything! I can't do anything right, remember anything or get anything done!" It went from there.

All of my kids inherited it. I think it's a dominant trait. My husband is about as non-ADHD as a person can get. After the last kid started showing the same old signs, he was a bit sad for a while because he doesn't have an ally who sees things the way he does. But it has made him a more flexible and tolerant person. He was a BIC boy born into a rigid and superficial TBM family where you weren't allowed to be anything other than entirely perfect. Creating a family with me that is pathologically imperfect has shown him that the sky doesn't fall when people are just people. He has gradually gotten more comfortable with his own flaws which we 'spazoids' who live him embrace without judging.

>>My son spoke with him that he needs to not get divorced again.<<

I'm curious as to why your son told him that. Regardless, if he doesn't stop treating his present wife so poorly, he may not have much choice in the matter. I'm really glad you're free and clear of the problem except as it affects your children.

My son told his dad to go to counselling, the retreat, etc. whatever it took to fix his relationship with his current wife (Vickie) as she is a really nice lady and for the past 2 years almost 3 she has put up with him. My son has many reasons for wanting his dad to stay married.
The X has to be a married temple going tithe paying priesthood member in good standing in church. Why?
Because Son's grandmother/mother to X is very devout/97 years old and from what I heard (know) from other members of this very TBM family-grandma-ma is planning to distribute her estate to those who are faithful members of the church. If you are not in good standing in her view-you are out or at least demoted.
Yes it sounds unfair and weird but this is the family dynamic. The X already has been gifted monies for his schemes and deals in the past and he has a 100% fail on all the ventures. The X siblings are all aware of who has gotten what and how much. In the past the X could just blame the current x wife so he was in good standing with his mother.
Another reason my son wants his dad to be married is because the wife keeps house and takes care of his dad. My son lives in the same area as his dad and when dad got divorced the last time-this son had to move him and find him housing, get his SS set up and so on.
The last reason is because my son has a very big job that has him working with colleges, county and state projects Plus he is in a bishopric... Before this marriage happened-I & 3rd wife were to blame.
Now it has become abundantly clear that the X is the reason for the divorce.

It sounds like your son is a lot like my TBM sibs-in-law who are tossing their broke, widowed, sharp-tongued, relentless narcissist mother around like a hot potato. She can't see reality, can't keep her mouth shut and has self-sabotaged herself into being penniless and dependent upon her kids, a situation she is thrilled to be in.

Not so nice for the kids, at all. Has your son come to the realization that no matter how much Dad inherits, he's probably going to blow through it? Whether he stays married or not, Dad will very likely fling himself upon the kids eventually just like my MIL.

You can have your son check out the CHADD website, I'm sure there's an article about setting clear boundaries with ADHD adults. It's up to the current wife about staying married, but your son can maybe prepare for whatever crises can come up with an ADHD person...they can be frequent. They overwhelm their supporters when not treated properly, I'm the first to admit I've done it.

Some articles on CHADD are just good family relationship advice also, and can help a person refine their diagnosis as well.

Thanks for the CHADD link-The kids are going to need help dealing with their dad as he ages.

There's more than ADD going on here.

ADD is like an un-tuned car --- mechanic comes in and tunes it up, now car works perfectly. Good to go. (And yes, the meds do help when it's the right diagnosis, right meds, right dose)

But sounds like he's always been a really poor driver. Different problem.

(Of course, can be a lousy driver with a poorly performing car -- in some pathological cases, tuning up the car makes for a now-smart-and-more-capable criminal that doesn't get caught)

Good luck

Most folks with actual ADD do not "feel great" on even the right meds. They dislike the meds.

ADD has been described like being drunk all the time - bit disorganized, bit disinhibited, difficulty tracking, what-me-worry - because the same regions of the brain implicated in ADD are also impacted by alcohol.

Meds "turn on" those regions so it's like taking a "reverse beer." Who wants that?

Thanks for the input-your advise is very insightful concerning medications-the dad is not good at taking REAL meds (RX) in general-believes in the magic essential oils his current wife pedals
and chiro-NAET stuff his BIL does...plus-- my oldest daughter told me he was trying to sell her on some magical vitamin weight loss pills over Thanksgiving.
I even question (not saying anything-just wondering to myself) the claim that he is on medication properly prescribed by a real MD. He might just be lying to get his kids to back off.

Dr.No wrote:
>
> Meds "turn on" those regions so it's like taking a
> "reverse beer." Who wants that?

I do! It gets tiresome when you
-lock the keys in the car
-lock yourself out of the house while the oven is on
-forget to pick up the one tiny thing your spouse needs to achieve something very important to them
-do all three of the above things on the same day.

Lather, rinse, repeat. One can only crash and burn at adulting so many times before that familiar weary frown you see on lived ones" faces splits your heart in half.

Meds do have side effects and yeah...you don't ever feel quite "good" on them. I don't get high on meds, I get normal. Worth it, though, to keep trying.

that prevent me from doing some of the things you describe, PT.

When I turn off the engine in my car, the keys remain in my hand until I'm standing outside the car, and then they go into my pocket. Always the right-hand pocket. (My cell phone and my lip balm go into my left-hand pocket. I pat both pockets before I close a door behind me.)

To prevent "forgetting" of something important, I leave visual cues of some sort for myself, such as a bright sticky note on my bathroom mirror, or a nearly empty prescription bottle right next to my purse for a trip to the pharmacy.

Some of these behaviors may sound OCD to people who don't have ADD. Maybe they are. I think of them as little auto-correct mechanisms to avoid the consequences of ADD forgetfulness.

I've never tried medication for my ADD, and now that I am retired, and I have developed my auto-correct behaviors, I seem to be functioning adequately.

Adult with ADD here. Adderall and Ritalin did not work for me. Made me worse. So it all depends.