Posted by:
elderolddog
(
)
Date: February 18, 2020 12:22AM
It was a dark and stormy night, but you wouldn't have known it based on the attendance at the Saturday evening Priesthood session of Conference.
Man and Boy, the Conference Center was full to the brim. Earlier, a hilarious attempt by some young and not so young women, clad in pants, sports coats, white shirts, and ties, had been beaten back with only a few casualties: three ushers had sustained bruised testicles, leading the casual observer to believe that the women were not as pure as they ought to have been! Only harlots knew men had balls!
When the 2nd Counselor of the First Presidency rose to call the session to order, his first words were, "All of you who are NOT men, or are harboring some doubts on this issue, must leave now!"
Four individuals from different areas of the audience rose in not quite ordered fashion and made their ways to the aisles and thence out of the Conference Center.
There was a look of satisfied ferocity on the Counselor's face! When the last of the four had existed, he thundered, "Is that all of you? Well, is it!?" And two more attendees rose and hurried from the Center.
Then as he opened his mouth to speak again, an egg went sailing by, within inches of his head, and splatted in the lap of the Lord's mouthpiece on this earth, Rusty Milhous Nelson.
Not many in the hall were aware of what had just happened. The suit at the mic was initially only aware that something had been thrown at him, and he was busily scanning the audience, looking for any clues that would identify the culprit!
In the meantime, apostles Holland and some other White dude (I can't tell them apart without a program) were huddled with the Prophet, each hoping the other would take out a handkerchief and do the necessary dabbing about in the Prophet's crotchital area. The look on Rusty's face was one of haughty enthusiasm, with a tincture of 'should-I-get-pissed-now?' loitering on the fringes.
Meanwhile, in the audience, a priest and two deacons had piled onto a teacher who was holding another egg in his left hand. HIS LEFT HAND!!
Those sitting nearby could hear the young man's grating voice as he urged his compatriots to let him go so that he could throw the second egg at what he said, "passes for God's walking seer stone." One of the men seated near the gaggle of teens later commented that he heard the phrase, "...seersucker suit..."
While this hub-bub was growing, a young man on the east side of the auditorium screamed as loud as he could. And while all eyes were drawn to him, two more eggs came lofting onto the stand, from the west side of the auditorium.
Both missed living targets, but those on the stand heard them splatter and the lizard portion of their brains interpreted the sounds accurately: They were under attack!!! And the yielded to the lizard brain's reaction: FLEE!!!
Which they did.
As those in the audience became aware of what was happening on the stand, they came to the same conclusion. So within 12 minutes, the Conference Center was empty. And in the more or less orderly stampede, the original egg thrower was able to free himself and disappear. And no one had the vaguest idea as to who had thrown the other two eggs.
The next morning, an OpEd piece in the SLTribune appeared, titled, "The doughnuts weren't ready yet when the menfolk got home." For a Sabbath Day, or for any day as far as that goes, the level of hilarity in the comments spawned by the article was off the charts.
At Sunday's first session of Conference, the start was delayed because everyone entering had to go through an egg-detector machine, which caught a lot of people by surprise since not everyone had heard of the previous night's disaster!
And once inside, everyone wanted to talk about it and the level of babbling was so high that it took the newest apostle, B. Rufus Kingfish, who was slated to preside, almost 45 seconds to get something approaching silence to reign.
At which point he was hit in the back of the head by an egg thrown from the women's section of the Tabernacle Choir (the Alto Section, to be precise) at Temple Square, with the accompanying female high pitched (but not that high), "I'm a Mormon, you idiots! A MORMON!"
You wait and see! I betcha it comes true!!