This will probably read like a stream on consciousness. I do not really need any feedback or support necessarily but I wanted to convey yet another mess partially created by Mormonism.

My shelf collapsed almost 20 years ago. There have been some good years since then with progress and change. There have also been struggles.

Mormonism in itself can cause lasting challenges. I have had and continue to have my share of being shunned and cutoff from some TBM family members. I have had to come to a conclusion that approaching such losses as irreconcilable and just walking away is the most adaptive approach. If those family members ever decide to attempt and bridge the chasm they have created then we will be starting over as new acquaintances. Too much time has passed to be able to pick up again with any sense of continuity or even much connection to the past.

As a child, I grew up in an abusive household. Mom beating dad, dad yelling at mom, and the younger kids including me being beaten by mom, dad, and an older sister. I had normalized this in my mind to be able to survive this environment as a kid. Several of my teachers in school could see what was going on but this was in a time before anything was done about such things.

We also lived in the "mission field" during a time when Mormons were less accepted than now. We had several bomb threats on our church when I was young. That was combined with vitriol being hurtled at me and my other Mormon friends from some of the other kids in school.

On top of that, I was subjected to assault with a deadly weapon and attempted kidnapping by a couple of guys in town. My sister was threatened with her life in a separate incident. Nothing was done about either situation. A different day and time. Today there would likely be arrests but not then. In fact the perpetrators went on to join the military to "protect us." Neither of these events had anything to do with Mormonism but all of the above events created a situation where it was difficult to know who to trust. Not safe at home, school, or in the community.

I discussed some of these things with a few bishops and another leader over the years but none of them had any counseling experience. They were well meaning but did not know what to do to help. Fast, pray, read scriptures, and be more obedient was the collection of advice. As it turns out one of the leaders was beating his wife and kids. Not the best choice for a person to discuss such things with.

The decision to have lay clergy is not necessarily a bad idea, except when they are expected to do things that they are not trained for. Leading meetings is fine but trying to fill the role of a professional counselor when trained as an accountant, business manager, or what have you is a recipe for disaster.

As it turned out, an atheist was actually the person that diagnosed the C-PTSD and pointed me in the direction of the proper resources. Religion helped create the problem and science came to the rescue.

I can relate to a lot of what you say. I also have C-PTSD which has been caused by abusive relationships, a hate crime, and being emotionally neglected as a child. Then add to all of that the fact that I was a mormon too for nearly 12 years and you have yourself a complicated mess to de tangle and sort through. The bishop I most tried to discuss this all with was very well intentioned and one of the nicest people I have known and yet he caused so much more damage with his mormon brainwashed mind. Then add to that again that he had no training to be counselling anyone and I was traumatised in new ways by things he said to me.

I think mormonism on its own would cause PTSD. If you already have it, then you are going to end up with a very complex case of trauma. I have been lucky to find a good therapist. I wish I’d had people like her supporting me all those years ago instead of depending on mormons who were causing second hand abuse and who were basically gaslighting me.

I think we lived kind of a similar experience. I too have C-Ptsd from various things such as mother, father, and church leaders and cult environment(without knowing what a cult was). I think the thing that saved me is that professionals are noticing mormonism as a real mental health issue so they spotted the consistent religiosity that was brainwashed in me through every session. The repition in a cult was so great that my mind was on repeat and still kind of is. Stopping this cycle in my subconcious has been a real struggle. I'm actually doing a reprogramming of my subconcious meditation every night right now.

with PTSD. I've posted a lot of my story on this board, so I don't need to repeat it.

Luckily I found an exmormon therapist. I didn't know he was an exmormon until I had been going to see him for 6 years and I finally asked him. I had been inactive for a long time and no longer believed, but had never found someone to talk to about it. My therapist has been a lifesaver as he recognizes the issues I'm dealing with.

My therapist too is an ex-mormon so she gets the programming as well that was put in my head.