Having great issues in life with a BIL that seems to drink and use stimulants in excess. He is twisting everything around. He says: Everybody should not judge him!

But I have never seen a person judging others like he do. He does not hesitate to go out on smear campaigns and recruit flying monkeys to make his bidding. They take his position because I sense that it makes them feel good.

My BIL protects his habit like he was fighting for the only life vest on a sinking ship on a stormy sea.

The sad thing is that his ship is sinking in life.

The projection and double-talk is so insane that it makes my head spin how a brain can be hijacked in such a way.

What is your experience? This is awful.

He could be president

Thought to say ditto but decided against because I fear the label. So, to the power of two.

Here's my experience and the addiction was opiates....

The addict will make every effort to appear happy, healthy and normal, even though its painfully obvious they are not.

When things appear to not be right and you ask them about it, they will lie to your face and say they aren't doing what it looks like they are doing.

If you have a coin jar and leave your wallet laying out, they will steal money from you. If you brought lots of foreign currency home from your mission, you'll find a search history on your computer for where to exchange it.

When you confront them and try to have an intervention, they will deny everything, get angry at your accusations and if you ultimately stop enabling them and tell them you won't tolerate it, they will leave and find a place that allows them, or even supports them, so they can continue doing what you know they are doing, which what what they deny they are doing.

At that point, and after they have burned every bridge and stolen anything they can form everyone they can, they disappear into some crack in society and you never hear from them again.

Bottom line for me? Its impossible to have a healthy relationship with an addict and you are better off cutting all ties as long as the behavior continues.

Heartbreakingly sad, its sucks, but its true.

As you said, projection and double talk. He creates chaos so that he can weasel his way from gap to gap that he manages to force open. That works until it doesn't.

Addicts generally don't change their ways absent a huge wake up call in the form of a major crisis or medical event. Even then, the desire to change must come from them. They might relapse a dozen times before succeeding. Or they many never succeed. Just make sure that the addict does not drag you down with them.

There is not much you can do except to make a decision to not get caught up in the drama. And there will be drama. Just walk away, or ignore, or change the subject, or otherwise do what you need to do. But don't engage. Instead, take care of yourself and live your best life.

You are spot on. Lord what I went through before it finally hit me that addicts don’t change. They move on to their next victim until they use them up and then on again. Manipulation is the only game they know. They have nothing that comes close to a conscience. Unfortunately that’s just a survival technique. Your advice to just WALK is the best advice you can give someone but so hard for them to want to take it. You want so badly to believe you can help them. All you can do is pick up the pieces and take care of yourself.

making decisions, which are based on judgements, is the essence of living.

Facts only exist up to a certain point, example:

Joey was a horn dog who swindled people out of their wealth & often wives & daughters.


It's our judgement that those Facts indicated 'bad' things about Joe, so we've DECIDED to exclude ourselves from his circle;

the FACTS didn't make that decision, we did as individuals.

parents make judgements on behalf of their children:
Don't play in the street, don't smoke or drink alcohol, on & on, it's called LIFE.

In the enabling family circle the possibility to make a decision has been discarded. I made up my mind and there are costs. I will not dance the same dance. Did it for years. It is hard but worth every imaginary cent.

Another thing is that the facts are being - deliberately - hidden so if you choose to act on facts the addict and enablers will make it look like your are the one with the problem. Because they will only say: Hey! Where are the facts?

If you take the bait they will instantly gaslight.

"What is wrong with you?" or "You are so sensitive".

It's particularly difficult with family because you are so entangled and disentangling is difficult.

I was lucky that the parents finally saw what was happening and supported me. Trouble is, upcoming generation is clueless as well as new friends/flying monkeys who don't know the addict's past behavior. They only ever hear the one side.

What helped me most was finding others who have been through this. You might want to find a group for people who are married or family of addicts. I know they exist.

S. Wrote:
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> My BIL protects his habit like he was fighting for
> the only life vest on a sinking ship on a stormy
> sea.

This has been my experience. The object of addiction has to diminish somehow in the addict's mind. Short of that it is like asking someone to not eat.

Just wanted to write a post and see if I could read if anyone else knew about how it is to see something others do not want to see. That is what is awful, all the chaos for nothing, a natural fool could see what is going on. Add the cult-mentality and there is a dual view making everything look like something really crazy. Peopel combining career and drugs. It is insane.

They like their drug better than they like you.

Is it possible to be addicted to pretending to be your locale’s version of ‘normal’?

An alcoholic or addict needs to hit a bottom before he's ready to acknowledge his problem and do something about it. Different people have different bottoms, of course. I define a "bottom" as that pain or loss he cannot tolerate--but had to. It could be any combination of loss of family, job, home, health, freedom (i.e. prison), etc.

Some people have to suffer multiple bottoms before they seek recovery. Some people never do, and can accept increasingly worse levels of life, even living on the street. Speaking of which, the interplay of alcohol & substances with mental health issues has to be considered.

If you have a loved one so afflicted, look into Al-Anon Family Services--for the families and loved ones of alcoholics and addicts. They can help you lead a life that is not poisoned by your loved one's toxic issues.

I lived with an addict for four years. The mindset was that getting a next fix of something: alcohol, drugs, gambling money was all that mattered, and to that end he lied constantly, abused me and broke the law. He would appear to give up one thing only for me to find out he was hooked on another thing in its place. Addiction is dependency, and in putting up with it out of ‘love’ I was enabling it all.

I have another relative who is an alcoholic. He did give it up but only when he nearly died. It became a life or death decision.

The person who is still an active addict I think is locked in a permanent torment due to coming from a mormon family. I believe the addiction was and is the only escape he could find. Some people don’t know how to verbalise stuff so they destroy themselves. It’s similar to the mindset of someone who self harms; their anger turns inward.

Third of Five not logged in Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Addiction is
> dependency, and in putting up with it out of
> ‘love’ I was enabling it all.

You learned a hard, painful, but necessary lesson: putting up with the addict's self-destructive behavior is not genuine love. This calls for "tough love."
>
> I have another relative who is an alcoholic. He
> did give it up but only when he nearly died. It
> became a life or death decision.

Sorry it came to this crisis point, but if that's what it took, then it worked. See my points on hitting bottom in my post, above. Your relative must be ever-mindful that recovery must be actively maintained for the rest of his life: a 12-Step program, or something. Recovery cannot be taken for granted.
>
> The person who is still an active addict I think
> is locked in a permanent torment due to coming
> from a mormon family. I believe the addiction was
> and is the only escape he could find. Some people
> don’t know how to verbalize stuff so they
> destroy themselves. It’s similar to the mindset
> of someone who self harms; their anger turns
> inward.

The interplay between religious (or other ideological) fanaticism and addictions are complex and individual. Also, the interplay of genetics and environment. Everybody has their opinions and selected evidence. I shy away from generalizations on this matter.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, 3/5.

You can't ever believe an addict. My son was a drug addict and an alcoholic. After going to jail for a DUI, he came out with the name of a doctor who uses suboxone or subutex to help opiate addicts and my son was on that medication for at least 10 years. To me, it seemed like an addiction, but it kept him normal. I paid a lot of money to keep him on it, but he was still drinking and, lo and behold, he quit by himself. He did it to prove to his sister, the TBM, that he could and he did. Then he stopped suboxone 1-1/2 years ago.

And after all that, I always knew there was something more going on, he has just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He is in a bad manic phase.

I really do believe that MOST OF THE TIME people with addictions have something else going on. The difficult part is getting them to get help. I have a struggle ahead of me. A lifelong struggle. It isn't like I haven't had enough.