Having problems with family members doing crazy-making talk. I stay silent because I feel they only are out to provoke me to show bad manners amd loss of control.
I agree. Even if that is not their intent, they’d be more than happy to see you be rude or something like.
When we left there was a palpable hope that our lives would be miserable and we’d come crawling back to the church for a bit of happiness. Nothing seemed to upset them more than our thriving after leaving LDSinc. It literally pained them.
If revenge is desired, the best revenge is living well.
They have a vested interest in protecting the church. To do this, they need to show that the people who leave are the problem, not the church. They will push until they can say, "See! He can't keep the commandments of the church." They want to believe that people who leave couldn't keep their standards so they are just waiting to find "immoral" activity. "See! She drinks coffee. She couldn't live up to our standards!"
So, I suspect they might unconsciously try to find ways to derail your life because they hate it when exmormons are successful. They hate it when exmormons are happy and they have to pay 10% for "happiness."
The best revenge is living well. You know their motives. They are trapped and frightened. Smile and nod at their concerns but do everything you can to get out of the situation where you might snap.
The way some people try to make themselves look better is not by accomplishing something praiseworthy and of good report, but by making others look worse, tearing them down so they look good in comparison. This is Mormonism 101.
Works well for some political leaders too. Religion and politics have an awfully lot in common, but . . . I digress.
With family, mystery is your friend. Keeping your cards close to your chest leaves them nothing to work with but speculation. Although, they can make a lot out of speculation--Mormonism 102.
If you get to 103 it's time to excommunicate exmo style with a simple "ByeByeNow" with all the sincerity of a flight attendant who just wants horrible people off the damn plane.*
I know all flight attendants don't feel that way but I would if I were one. :)
Not when I left the church, but they sure tried when I walked out of the MTC and off of my mission. All of my savings and resources had been spent and used in preparation for my mission. I returned with nothing and was totally dependent on my “loving” family who would have preferred I returned home in a box than to return dishonored.
Any request for help (such as to use a car to go to a job interview) was met with a lecture and a negative response. The disappointment and shame I had heaped upon them apparently was too great, and the only way for them to deal with it was to kick me while I was down. It was as if they felt a need to reduce me down to the deepest depths of despair before they would consider throwing me a lifeline. That was tough on a 19-year old kid who was confused and trying to sort his life out. Without a few good friends who did what they could to offer support, I don’t know where I would have ended up.
Four or five months later when I was beginning to pull my head above water and breathe again…that pushed them over the edge. My father approached me one night and said, “I think it would be best for the family if you were to leave.” That was 40+ years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday.
I'm sure by the time I left the church they would have loved to try to derail my life, but fortunately my relationship with them had already been permanently derailed.
I am so sorry to hear about this. That is terrible. I hate this stupid cult.
When I left the church and was going through the divorce of my TBM wife my parents paid for HER attorney and told her to take me to the cleaners. Then they wrote letters to the court telling the judge I shouldn't be allowed visitation or custody of our kids.
I didn't talk to my father for decades and then he died. In the wake of his death I wanted to say it didn't matter because we hadn't talked in years but I got very angry with my ex-wife for pusing my parents to side with her. I was also angry at the cult and my parents for being too stupid to snap out of it.
I wish you the best and I hope you have found some great friends and "family" since you left. I wish you the best.
I hear ya praydude. Sounds like our parents are related.
When I got a divorce, my parents bought my ex a house!! Which was kind of interesting since they couldn't stand her when we were married. When I caught my mother encouraging my ex to put distance between my kids and I, that was the last straw. Cut her off. A few years later I cut my father off. No communication with them for the last four years of their lives.
Ejecting from a toxic marriage, toxic family, and toxic church all at the same time was the greatest thing I ever did for my well being.
The first nine months after I resigned I experienced some of the highest and lowest points in my life.
The worst was the divorce. My parents sided with my ex and my father even testified that I should not have weekend visitation as my daughter had to be with her mother on Sunday so they could go to church. The older children were all married and out of the house. Visitation was the only issue we had with the divorce. In the end I got every other weekend visitation on the order although my daughter never stayed overnight.
No, but there was judgement/ assumption made about me that was absolutely false. As soon as I found out about it, I called the family involved together and called them out on it. They apologized for misjudging me.
But by then it was done. They should have come to me in the beginning to get to the bottom of it and not have made that judgement in the first place.
Gossiping about me behind my back, tearing me down, and trying to provoke me were SOP for my family BEFORE I left the cult. Leaving made them feel justified escalating it.
I grew up faking happiness and success, so "living well as revenge" would be more of that for me. Cutting them out of my life is a pretty good "Fuck you!" if I say so myself.