Guys, what are your favorite mormon jokes? (These are supposed to be derogatory to mormons)
Mine are:
1. Two Utah mountain lions were hunting together, one was skinny and the other was fat. They both ate the same amount of people. The fat mountain lion decided to help out the skinny one get more nutrition. They found a hiker, and the skinny one jumped out and scared the hiking mormon, and then ate him. The fat mountain lion said "I see what you're doing wrong, you scared the sh*t out of him. When you scare the sh*t out of a mormon, there's not much left."
2. I'll say this to a girl at the next dance "Hey girl, are you an answered prayer? Because you're one in a million."
Lmk what other funny anti mormon jokes you guys have.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Why do you take two Mormons fishing? Because if you take one, he'll drink all your beer.
A man dies and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter is giving him a guided tour, showing off the pools and the open bars. When they come to a closed door, St. Peter gets quiet and starts to tiptoe. The man asks, "What's behind that door?" St. Peter relies, "That's the room with the Mormons. They think they're the only ones here."
Three couples die and go to heaven. St. Peter say's to the first couple....sir,you were a banker on earth and only loved money, you even married a woman named Penny....you may not enter.
Then he says to the second couple, you sir were a drunkard on earth, you even married a woman named Brandy, you may not enter.
The third couple was mormon and the man turns to his wife and say's....come on Fanny lets go, we'll never get in.
elderyoung Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I don't get that. Can u please explain? lol
"Fanny is used in the U.K, Australia and N.Z as a slang for pussy. " Here in the UK ot too a long time to get used to how Americans throw around the word "fanny" here it's pretty damn rude
faraday Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > elderyoung Wrote: > -------------------------------------------------- > ----- > > I don't get that. Can u please explain? lol > > "Fanny is used in the U.K, Australia and N.Z as a > slang for pussy. " Here in the UK ot too a long > time to get used to how Americans throw around the > word "fanny" here it's pretty damn rude
I retired from forest fire duty 2 years ago, but when the US has a terrible fire season, many times we get help from Australia and New Zealand. In our winter we sometimes help them out with their fires, like last year.
Anyway there are fire terms we use that cause the Aussies a little confusion, one was the term "snag", like snag the road between this point to that.
To us it means, cut the snags or danger trees along the road.
Snag to the Aussie is a sausage or hot dog. I had one Aussie in gest ask if he had to toss out sausages along the road, or was there going to be a bar-bee later along the road.
The Aussies are the finest bunch you can ever associate with, all are extremely friendly, have a great sense of humor, never saw one having a bad mood.
Russell Nelson, a Catholic priest and a thirteen year old boy are flying in an airplane when the pilot comes out of the cockpit with a parachute on and says, "Both engines have quit and we're losing altitude and will crash!". The pilot then opens the side door of the plane and bails out. The priest quickly looks around and exclaims, "There are only two parachutes!". Nelson grabs one and says, "Millions of people depend on me to guide them in these Latter Days". Nelson then bails out. The priest looks at the young boy and says," You have your whole life ahead of you, take the other parachute". The thirteen year old says, "We still have two parachutes Father, that old guy jumped with my book backpack".
A young married couple goes in to see the Bishop. "Bishop we've been married for three months and we aren't doing our part to multiply and replenish. We get in bed together and we are both so nervous we can't even touch each other." The bishop advised the couple to just relax and give things a little more time. A few weeks later the couple is back in the bishops office all smiles. "Everything is wonderful! We were sitting at dinner one evening and both reached for the salt at the same time. When our hands touched it was like an electric shock. Right there on the table we truly became husband and wife." "Only one problem. We've been banned for life from ChuckaRama buffets."
The priest, in his semi-annual interview with the Bishop was told he needed to quite masturbating. He asked why? The bishop replied, "because your in my office!"
A BYU coed is diving back to her dorm one night when a man with a gun jumps into her car and says "I just escaped from prison and you're going to drive me to Vegas!".
The bishop’s wife insists on singing at a church function, and is rehearsing with her accompanist who says: "OK. So, we'll start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor."
The bishop’s wife says: "Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."
The pianist says: "Should be no problem. It's what you did last time."