My dad insists that I have my mail delivered to his house. He brings the mail over to my apartment later.

Recently, he got a piece of mail for me that was really, really important for me to deal with right away. He didn't tell me about it until it was too late. It has to do with health insurance. If he would have given it to me on time, it would have been easy to deal with. Since he did not do this, I have to spend a lot more time dealing with a big problem, and I may not succeed. I would have easily succeeded otherwise.

Also, my dad will not even bring the letter to my apartment. He thought it was adequate to just read me the letter. The letter is unclear about what is required, but it is even more unclear if I can't read it, and I have to remember what my dad read to me.

Anyway, my dad told me about this letter yesterday, and I have been worrying a lot about it, since it has a deadline, which is tomorrow. If you have a deadline it is nice to have several weekdays in which to prepare.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/03/2021 10:55PM by behindcurtain.

If you feel like you have to appease him, then I'd suggest having some mundane stuff go there--magazine subscription, junk mail, etc--just to please him, and then have your important stuff go to your apartment. If he questions the drop in mail volume, just tell him the companies are forcing you to do electronic mail/billing/etc. (that's a good option anyway).

But what address should the Playboy and Penthouse go? What if behindcurtain's dad confiscates them?

His dad might be disappointed if those stop coming to the house.


I didn't want to be too negative earlier, but this all strikes me rather bizarrely. If someone is mature and resourceful enough to live on his own, who wouldn't assume the mail ought to go to their own place?

At the same time, I kept my mail going to my folks house for years. Partly because I travelled a lot of for work, and also lived overseas at times, so my "US mail" always went to their house. I kept my driver's license there and even registered my cars there. I tended to move a lot when I was young, and it was sort of stable and minimum hassle to keep everything at that address. My folks were pretty reliable about it all.

Of course, I did this because it benefitted me. Not because someone demanded it.

Well, now I read down farther where he depends on his dad for financial help. Sadly, gifts often come with strings attached.

Can you get it delivered elsewhere?

No, I don't think so.

P.O. Box

Do you rely on your father for rent or any type of income? If not, go here https://www.usps.com/manage/forward.htm and get your mail forwarded to you as soon as you take care of the health insurance problem.

If you were signing up through the ACA (Obamacare) exchange, go here: https://www.healthcare.gov call the people, tell them your father has your mail and won't give you the letter, cross your fingers, and hopefully it will get straightened out.

If it's state insurance, contact your state health department.

You will get it done.

After you handle it, get you mail delivered to you. Your father may be putting your health at risk. Think about that. He is so far up into your business that decisions he is making could affect your health. It's not worth it.

I have two control freak parents who were still alllll up in my business and dictating how I live my life until I was 45, yup 45 years old.

The best decision I've ever made is to cut them off and get the hell away from them. After five years of no contact with my father and about seven with my mother, we're getting along pretty well at a distance of almost 3,000 miles.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/03/2021 11:17PM by Beth.

Yes, I rely on him for financial help. It's nice to have the money. I live in a place that is nicer than one I would have chosen if I had to pay for all of it myself. But he tries to keep me in Provo. There are nice things in Provo, but a big drawback is the religious atmosphere. I would like to live in Salt Lake, where you can experiment with a lot of different kinds of religion. I used to live in Salt Lake, so it's strange that my dad doesn't think I could handle living there again.

You need to be receiving your own mail. Follow Beth's advice. It isn't normal for a fully functioning adult to not get their own mail. And if you want to live in SLC, live in SLC. Your father can certainly have an opinion about it, but ultimately, it's up to you. IMO you may be paying far too heavy a price for that rent subsidy.

What summer said, and she has more sense than I do.

True--which is why you are so much fun!

:)

I understand. Here's the thing: He will always control you if he is controlling your ability to pay your rent. Period. My brothers and I try to help each other out if we're in a jam because we know that borrowing money from our father means that he gets a say in *everything*. When we try to pay him back, he doesn't cash our checks. It's not worth it.

Your dad isn't trying to control you. He *is* controlling you. That's the price of his monetary help. You can take away his ability to control you, but you have to make sacrifices. If you have the ability to support yourself, do it and get your own mail delivered to *you*. Otherwise, there really isn't anything you can do but complain and have no personal life whatsoever if he's reading your mail. Does he open your bills? Does he have access to any of your utility bills? Are they in your name or his? Is the apartment in your name or his? Do you have a vehicle? If so, is it in your name or his?

I'm not trying to be harsh, but it's time for some radical candor. You have to decide what you are willing to put up with. It's easy to fall on hard times, especially in the pandemic, and everyone, no matter how hard they try, can end up in a pinch. That's part of life. Another part of life is living within your means. That's very hard in a culture like ours, but it's a good thing to do. There's nothing wrong with being frugal and delaying gratification. I think those are great skills, and I wish I'd started doing things like creating an actual budget decades ago. I feel like a moron sometimes when I realize how friggin easy it is to project earnings and expenditures for a year with weekly wiggle room built in.

Well, good luck. You decide how much he controls you if at all.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/04/2021 12:12AM by Beth.

It's not unusual for parents to give their adult children financial help at various times, but normally there should not be any strings attached.

Agreed 100%

I had a controlling father as well. He turned out to be narcissist psychopath. So you may want to check into that. Controlling people for supply reasons is one of their main features.

Anyways, good luck escaping the control forever.

Adam

According to my aunt, my dad had an abusive father. My dad was not a believer in his Mormon religion, but life was so chaotic that he wanted "out". So he became an active Mormon as a form of rebellion against his parents, and as a way to gain stability in his life.

My dad is not a really mean person. He loves me and nice to be with. But I think he did not learn how best to raise children from his own father, so sometimes he engages in abusive behavior because he doesn't know any better.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/03/2021 11:52PM by behindcurtain.

behindcurtain Wrote:
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But I think he did not learn
> how best to raise children from his own father, so
> sometimes he engages in abusive behavior because
> he doesn't know any better.


^^No. He does not get a pass. I was raised by an abusive mother. When I saw myself starting to treat my daughter like she treated me, I took parenting lessons. I learned the difference between being authoritative and being an authoritarian.

No one's parents get a pass when it comes to abuse. When they were on the receiving end, they knew it was wrong. When did what happened to them become right? It didn't, so they need to learn how to behave differently. That's what adults do.

Get a PO Box for important mail

If you had mail delivered to your apt anyway, how would he know? Does he follow you around or have spies?

Have the important stuff sent directly to you, or (as suggested above) to a separate P.O. Box. Your situation is intolerable.

And opening someone else's mail without permission can be a federal crime.

https://criminal.findlaw.com/criminal-charges/is-it-illegal-to-shred-previous-tenants-mail.html

https://thelawdictionary.org/article/what-is-the-federal-law-for-opening-mail-not-addressed-to-you/

---

"My dad is not a really mean person."

Yeah, he is. He may not call you names on a regular basis or yell at you (I'm guessing here), but there are more concrete ways to be mean. Have you ever heard the phrase "Actions speak louder than words"? Your dad is mean, and he's a jackass. He likes having you under his thumb.

I don't have all my mail delivered to him. I have my own mailbox. But I have most of the important mail delivered to him, like bank statements and insurance information.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/04/2021 01:19AM by behindcurtain.

There is no reason that your father needs your financial information (unless you are truly unable to look out for your own interests, and a court has decided this.) You are not his ward, you are a fully functioning adult. For the love of all that is holy, *change this situation right away.* You are not a child to be babied! You need and deserve your own financial information. This situation is far from normal. Put an end to it. Your father has no need of that information, and he does not deserve it.

Do you have life insurance? And is your dad the beneficiary?

If that’s the case, then he may be trying to make sure you don’t change it.

Or maybe he just wants to know how much money you have and how you spend it.

I don't have life insurance. He wants information about my health insurance.

When I really think about it, it's strange that he would want my bank statements. Maybe I should ask him exactly why he wants them.

He is afraid that if I get important mail that I will lose it, because he doesn't think I organize things very well.

You might lose it, but you know what? That's a life lesson you need to learn. I used to be disorganized about my bills, etc. Here's how I solved the problem: I have a wall calendar in my kitchen, at eye level where I see it every day. When bills come in, I scheduled them on my wall calendar, put the date that I will pay them on the bill itself, and then put the bills in a caddy on my desk. I almost always schedule bill payment for Saturdays, and do the bills either every Saturday or Sunday morning.

First, I balance my checking account by using online banking (if you don't look at your bank accounts online, you should -- it's easy and convenient.) If I need to shift money over to savings, I do that at the same time. Then I pay my bills, pop them in the mail, and cross them off my calendar.

Other people schedule bills and other things on their phone calendars, or select automatic electronic bill paying from their bank. You will need to find a method that works for you, but get to it! It's time to adult!

behindcurtain Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> He is afraid that if I get important mail that I will lose it, because he doesn't think I organize things very well. >

IMPORTANT MAIL? It's all important, especially if he doesn't get it.

It's YOUR mail and your LIFE.

Much has already been said on the subject.

Organize things well...
And he'll have no excuse

You can't have it both ways.

Get your mail and read it first! Only you read it.

Are you reading me right?

Write a letter to "yourself", telling you to QUIT reading your mail! You'll/ He'll get the message. Maybe even write back. Right?

Get the mail rerouted to your apartment. Even if your father is financially assisting you, this information is your personal information and should be coming to your house.

If you choose, then you can copy and send a copy to him for his records. (I would not, however, do this).

If your dad pushes back - your response is to bring up the example of this situation. He was not responsible with promptly bringing you your mail and refused to provide you the originals that you required to fix the situation.

It may be "nice" to have a better apartment than you could afford on your own, but you need to be an adult and take control of your situation. Unless there is a specific legal order that your father is your legal guardian/caretaker, you personally are responsible for handling your mail and these requests. Switch the addresses. And if your father protests - move to a less expensive apartment that you can afford on your own and cut the strings.

Agree 100% kestrafinn. Bitching and complaining isn't going to do anything. At some point you have to GROW UP. Take control of your own life. Manage your own money. Make your own decisions on where and how you live. Make and own your own mistakes, that is how you learn.

Your father CAN'T control you if you are over 18. You are ALLOWING him to. Your choice.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/04/2021 12:24PM by Susan I/S.

Sounds kind of like a "state church" to me. You don't want your dad controlling you, but you think a state church to control everyone is a good idea?

May I ask how old you are?

If you are a legal adult tell him to kiss off and change your addrress