I have a teenage niece that recently approached me about leaving the church. She asked my how & why I left over 20 years ago. She wants to do the same.

How do I approach this diplomatically? I want to respect my brother & sister in law. At the same time, I want to be honest & not be a sell out. I went through my own ex Mormon "phase" in my younger days. I have mostly put it behind me now & have found my own peace since leaving. I don't worry about the church any more & rarely follow it. I'm not looking for any "recruits."

I honestly don't care if my young nieces & nephews stay in or out of the church. I just want them to be happy. I know that I was suicidal when I was contemplating leaving the church. I want to make sure my niece is safe & is not considering this. Otherwise, I don't know that it is my place to tell her what to do. I worry that if my brother or other relatives find out she has contacted me, I will be blamed in some way if she decides to leave the church. I want her to figure this out for herself like I did many years ago.

Help! What, do I do?

If she asked you, I think it would be good to share your experiences with her. You can be very clear that you aren’t telling her what to do; that it is her decision. She’s finding her own path in life, and the perspective that you give her might be very helpful.

I do understand what you say about not looking for “recruits.” I was a missionary for the church, but I have no interest in being a missionary against the church.

Niece needs to know that you will be blamed unless she makes it clear that it was all her decision--100%. I'm sure she already gets that but nice to mention.

It is valuable for her to hear your experience, how you felt, what you knew, the facts you found, how you felt and what the aftermath was---the whole enchilada. It is your story to tell. This is not the same as telling her to do the same. That is still up to her to "figure it out for herself", as you put it. and she has to find her own way to do it that she feels good about.

Get ready to be blamed anyway. They will still believed you influenced her otherwise they have to blame themsleves or admit the church is full of holes and theyt aren't about to do that. But this is about her happiness and future. I wouldn't let blame stop me. But again--you do what feels right for you.


I don't even know my nieces and nephews because they were kept away in case I might influence them. Nice that she can confide in you. Very nice.

It's okay if you don't feel like participating.

This is Niece's opportunity after a life time of being judged on her obedience to think for herself and only herself and make her own decision.

Your so-called adult relatives will have to point the finger somewhere, but since they're unable to blame themselves or the church, you get to be the scapegoat. That, I'm afraid, is unavoidable, and you simply have to be strong enough to accept it even if unwarranted.

Just make sure your niece knows that you're on her side, no matter what, and that she has a safe space with you. I think that will count for more than anything else.

ExMo in WA Wrote:
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> Help! What, do I do?

I'm having the same problem with a nephew. So I'm more interested in the responses than being very helpful.

You could be an active and supportive listener.

Love this. I think it is my only option. A passive supporter.

I think Ken's point is not even "passive."

It's tough to listen, but that's what therapists (and wise friends) do. They shut up and listen until the logjam of emotional defenses breaks and the speaker's repressed desires come forth. Listening doesn't seem like endorsement of any particular course of action, but it is subversive.

And it is tough. The listener must actively suppress his or her own feelings and indulge the speaker. In that sense, it requires as much or more energy and discipline than trying to persuade someone to do something.

Listening well and sincerely may be, in OPie's context, the most anti-Mormon thing one can do.

If I get a chance to listen I will keep these words in mind.

I would be sure to remind her that while she's living with her parents and not out on her own, she may have to keep a low profile and go along to get along. It's hard to do, but battling it out over the church now may be even harder.

It is a lonely journey.
Consider encouraging her to have confidence in her own developing capacities of observation and independent thought.
Of being able to ride the bicycle, minus those training wheels, in the quest for mastery.

It's like giving her a compass.
No one can find fault in that.

Who knows what lands she will guide herself to

"Help! What, do I do?"

Help is on the way
It's 'in' the way too
(In the way she would live)

HELP is The Truth, really-
No embellishment; dogma; BS.

Tell her the truth
There's nothing else to do

No one can blame anyone then
Maybe she can reason

Everyone has instinks

The [Mormon] history
And Joseph Smith himself
Says LOOK OUT. Beware!
ALL churches are false
[Including this one]

Ask her how she feels
About Life ° philosophy °

Keep it simple.
Be yourself.

Have fun

ExMo in WA Wrote:
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> I want to respect my brother & sister in law. At the same time, I want to be honest & not be a sell out.

You've got to pick 1.

> I went through my own "ex Mormon 'phase'". I have mostly put it behind me now. >

The "phase" of being helpful?

> I don't worry about the church any more & rarely follow it.>

Worry About Nothingness and
Follow The The ❤️


> I honestly don't care if my young nieces & nephews stay in or out of the church. I just want them to be happy. I know that I was suicidal when I was
contemplating leaving the church. I want to make
> sure my niece is safe & is not considering this.
> Otherwise, I don't know that it is my place to
> tell her what to do. I worry that if my brother
> or other relatives find out she has contacted me,
> I will be blamed in some way if she decides to
> leave the church.

> I want her to figure this out for herself like I did many years ago. >

What is there to figure out
(If you just act like everything is fine and dandy)?

> Help! What, do I do?

Do something... or they'll think -and you'll feel? - you did nothing.

Listen As A Person
NOT a 'church' "member"

I like the idea of being an active listener. Ask "you" questions, i.e. "Why are you considering leaving the church?" I would spend more time listening than talking.

I would also emphasize to her that when she is an emancipated adult, she can make her own decisions, but while she is living under her parents' roof, she should go along with their program. Talk to her about the need to save up money for school and independent life. Perhaps talk to her about the benefits of going away to college if at all possible (and *not* BYU.)

I got the blame when my niece and nephew left the church as teens and NAZI TBM Sister has hated me ever since. Long story, but, they both got kicked out on their 18th Birthday and now years later, are doing fine w/o the abusive MORmON CULT and their abusive Mom.

ExMo in WA Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I have a teenage niece that recently approached me
> about leaving the church. She asked my how & why
> I left over 20 years ago. She wants to do the
> same.
>
> How do I approach this diplomatically? I want to
> respect my brother & sister in law. At the same
> time, I want to be honest & not be a sell out. I
> went through my own ex Mormon "phase" in my
> younger days. I have mostly put it behind me now
> & have found my own peace since leaving. I don't
> worry about the church any more & rarely follow
> it. I'm not looking for any "recruits."
>
> I honestly don't care if my young nieces & nephews
> stay in or out of the church. I just want them to
> be happy. I know that I was suicidal when I was
> contemplating leaving the church. I want to make
> sure my niece is safe & is not considering this.
> Otherwise, I don't know that it is my place to
> tell her what to do. I worry that if my brother
> or other relatives find out she has contacted me,
> I will be blamed in some way if she decides to
> leave the church. I want her to figure this out
> for herself like I did many years ago.
>
> Help! What, do I do?


I think you can reasonably just say you left because no longer believed and/or had differences with the church. That can be the "why". You don't have to start loading her shelf with a̶n̶t̶i̶M̶o̶r̶m̶o̶n̶ ̶m̶a̶t̶e̶r̶i̶a̶l̶ reality...she's already doing that herself.

But, I would be sure to heap on how difficult it was (without going into detail or seemingly "bitching" about it). And also remind her that she ought to respect her parents for the time being, because life can get really messy.

As others have noted, you will be blamed anyway. Your niece obviously knows your story because it's probably well-worn family d̶r̶a̶m̶a̶ lore.

Thank you for this thread, ExMo in WA. It contains good advice.

My favorite thing about RFM is when posters answer their own questions--which you have done. Read your own post, over and over!

You already know that the only important thing is for your nieces and nephews to be happy, and especially for them to not have suicidal thoughts. A lot of depression and low self-esteem just goes with the territy in Mormonism, so this is your great "quest" as their uncle. You seem like a good person!

I agree that YOU will probably be blamed, no matter what you do, whether you stay out of it, or help them leave. I left Mormonism very quietly and "diplomatically," but my children and I ended up being harrassed, threatened, accused, and shunned, anyway. Don't worry too much about something that can't be averted.

Be genuine, be caring, answer her questions, but mainly listen, as posters advise you to do.

Here's what to say to your niece:

>>>I honestly don't care if my young nieces & nephews stay in or out of the church. I just want them to be happy. I know that I was suicidal when I was contemplating leaving the church. I want to make sure my niece is safe & is not considering this. Otherwise, I don't know that it is my place to tell her what to do.... I want her to figure this out for herself like I did many years ago"<<<

Then you can demonstrate to her that you have found your own peace, and don't worry about the church anymore. You are a good example for your family.

"Niece needs to know that you will be blamed unless she makes it clear that it was all her decision--100%. I'm sure she already gets that but nice to mention."

No matter what some family members will put the onus on YOU - as a disgraced former member who lured her to destruction.

Your answering her questions openly and honestly and encouraging her to study and decide for herself works. You know the reality of "Blame Culture" and you will be the target of some no matter what reality and the truth is.

If she leaves some will most likely see you as the evil one who enticed her away. So what - as the guy said "if they can't take a joke, F#*% em".

Be honest and then let it lie while letting her know you are there no matter what she decides.