Judea — In a stunning twist, the followers of a seditious Nazarene rabbi claim that this alleged messiah (of the many thousands who have been executed for claiming the same thing) meant to die in exactly this way from the start.

Roman authorities were speechless as the disciples of this milk-toast Jewish Nationalist (who stood out in no particular way from the many others preceding him) transformed the message of their Master into something more spiritual than physical. No religion had ever been so shameless as to say their prophecies were fulfilled, only spiritually which is why it seemed not to happen.

“I don’t know man,” said a Roman Centurian who was present at the execution. “Most of the time, when we crucify the dude, the zombies who follow him around just move on the next guy, but that didn’t happen this time.”

Rome allowed the body to be buried in a rock tomb only for the body to conveniently go missing three-ish days later. Two illiterate Jewish girls claimed to have seen the stone rolled back and a man dressed in white telling them that the body had risen. They screamed and ran away immediately.

Based on nothing but this, apparently the entire cult of Jesus son of Joseph was willing to reinterpret their master’s words to into a form that turned the classic idea of the anointed one on its head.

“They surprised us for sure,” said Pontius Pilate, governor of the region who eagerly took an interview with the press to have something else to do other than slaughter Jewish rebels all day.

“They’re starting to say that I was all torn up about sentencing yet another zealot to death, like Jesus would mean anything more to me than the other thousands of people who go around flipping over tables and driving out lawful business and causing a ruckus saying the Kingdom of the Jewish God is at hand. I wouldn’t have noticed this time either but for the way they’ve rolled with his unceremonious death in the aftermath. Died for our sins? Please,” chuckled Pilate. “The delusions of a desperate and conquered people are delightfully silly.”

Apparently ashamed that there wasn’t more to go on, someone took the first so-called “gospel” attributed to Mark and wrote a whole new ending filled with more impressive special effects and a clearer and more determinate visit form the allegedly risen Lord. Scholars are calling it the long ending and the original ending the short ending.

One scholar laughed saying, “the apostles are now claiming that Jesus had said in secret that he would rise from the dead, but that he swore them to secrecy and also they didn’t understand what he was talking about anyway until he died and rose again and then they suddenly remembered.” The scholar slapped his knee and doubled over wheezing, unable to speak for laughter, tears streaming down his face.

The Christians, as they are now being called, are expected to take their gospel of Mark and write at least two other derivative versions of it with details pulled out of their asses and without the authors consulting each other on the new details or even checking to see if their understanding of the Torah makes any sense when they fabricate historical events to fulfill prophecy. These two synoptic gospels are expected to convince few residents of the empire, so perhaps some fourth gospel will be written and it will so long after the fact that it will have to be attributed to a disciple that people are going to have to believe is immortal for it to be even remotely plausible. Experts say to expect this last gospel to be completely tonally different from the others and to claim all sorts of crazy stuff including that Jesus was God himself.

“I never thought of the messiah as a spiritual messiah who came to save us from our sins so we can live in heaven with him,” said an old Jewish shepherd outside of Jerusalem. “What I’d really like is for the Romans to be vanquished by a great Davidic King and the autonomy of the Jewish State restored where only the Law of Moses rules in Judea. All these illiterate so-called Christians keep telling me that I’ve misread my people’s own prophecies and they keep making stuff up.”

Roman authorities nearby immediately arrested the shepherd and took him away to be crucified. But before he died on a cross, the shepherd said loudly to a nearby group of Christian converts, “the anointed one from the line of David is a temporal messiah who will destroy our enemies AND reign in Jerusalem within a single lifetime, you stupid cultists. Go read the Torah.”

One disgruntled Christian was later seen erasing parts of one of the gospels and rewriting it to demonize the majority of the Jews who never fell for this obvious bullshit.

Wow

Biggus