Though a bit racy for the true tales I'll gradually post, this one falls firmly in the realm of PG-13. These aren't stories a grown man, and father, has anything to be proud of, They're from the mindset and perspective of my trickster self, and age at that time. There is no other purpose than to provide a laugh during busy, stress filled days. Stories are meant to be told, and these are non-fiction, dialogue written as best as memory serves. Who else is gonna entertain us, gots to do it ourselves, innit. There's alot of frustration and hurt involved with leaving the church for many, so why not include some of the hilarity and bizarro experiences of church interactions and missions, because I sure have some doozies. Thank You, Drive Through.

"Bishop Dr. LoveGlove"

When it came time for the Missionary physical, I was a bit freaked out when a buddy, who'd recently endured it informed me I was gonna get the Love Glove. The dreaded (especially for a 19 y.o.) prostate probus maximus. I assumed he was just kidding, he swore he wasn't. I dunno why it matters, but the fact the family physician was also our bishop (how many plumbers or Wal-Mart manager bishops do you know?) and would have the honors made it worse. During some pre-mission shopping, I had acquired a handheld cassette recorder w/ a voice activated record feature.

A few days before the appointment, I stopped by a buddy's house. I shared my anxiety re; the upcoming appointment. "Duuuuuude, noooooo way! You're 19 years old? Why do they gotta go drilling for oil in your virgin bunghole? Are you kidding me?" I assured him I wasn't. Half jokingly, I added: "I should start moaning and act like he's totally getting me off."

Having seen me fiddling w/ my new recorder, he had a lightbulb appear above his head. "Dude, I'll give you 100 shekels if you do that, AND tape it!? Back then, not an insignificant amount. Now, I'm not talking "Jackass" type stupidity, but I've been known to accept any dare that didn't involve inordinate physical risk. If he dared me, we had a problem. I probed (pun intended) the shekels angle. "Make it 300. and I'll do it." "300? You swear? Hold on." He gets on the phone, calls a couple of our bro's, explains the deal, and they don't hesitate for 150. each. 400. total.

For that, he didn't need to break out the double dog dare. I was all-in. In the waiting room, I began to chicken out. My tempter wasn't LDS and didn't quite realize the social and power dynamic implications of such brazen stupidity. Then, his words echoed in my brain. His sneering face, "You'll chicken out, I know you will. I might give you a 50/50 chance if it wasn't your bishop." I recommitted myself, and was quickly called back to the exam room. Hoping the LoveGlove was never introduced, that it wasn't a mandatory thing.

After the basics and blood draw, Dr. Bishop's demeanor changed and he began nervously clearing his throat 2-3x in a row. "Ahuh, ahem, ahuh, now, this is gonna be a little surprise, but I have to check your rear end. Ya know, stick my finger in there and check your prostate a bit." I had preplanned a few lines, after all, it was to be immortalized for all time and eternity in audio glory. I replied, "A bit, or alot? Are you gonna wear a glove or just delve right in? I have to insist on lubrication either way." He seemed almost relieved at my humor attempt. Not wanting to miss it, I had pressed record before he entered the room.

As he bent me over the exam table, looking over my shoulder I saw him snap the glove on. It sounded so grim and menacing. A sound that only becomes moreso with each passing year and visit to the current Dr. LG. He lubed up, and made his final approach. "This is gonna be a bit, uhh, uncomfortable" I interrupted, "For you or me?" My lines had ceased to entertain him. Dude seemed to want to get this thing over with as much as I did.

Because I was waiting for a response, I was a bit surprised when he dove right in. So much, I almost forgot it was showtime. A startled and puzzled "Ohh" my first word, out of surprise. Then, I got it right. I really got into character, hamming it up. "Uhhh, yeeaah, uhhhh!" I intended to keep going a bit more, but his response surprised me, and as I turned to see his face, I started laughing.

His expression. Holy crap. As a dude who has probably seen and experienced alot of stuff during his education, residence and practice, his expression was top 3 funniest thing I'd ever seen. Words can't do it justice. My brief laugh only made him more uncomfortable. He was done. "Woah, okay, it's okay, it's okay. I'm done. Don't worry, people react in very different ways. It's okay. That's over. Good job." "Really? Thank You. I did good huh? That was quick, too quick. Are you sure you completed the exam, because if you need to..." "No, NO, done. Very adequate, I mean, thorough. Yep. We're good son." He changed the subject as quick as he could, and without a word quickly exited stage left the exam room. I didn't expect to see him again that day.

I was just hoping it was audible on the recording. Was the recorder too deep (no pun intended) in the bag? He reentered, mumbled something, and didn't make eye contact me w/ me once. I raced out to my car, rewound, and hit play. Perfect. It was so perfect, I'd think it was fake if a buddy played it for me. The dialogue, timing, worthy of my greatest hits compilation, of all the comedy bits, prank phone calls etc Cambo (my little brother) and I had been making since grade school. I made a copy for my buddy. He couldn't believe it. As we hit play, we just howled w/ laughter. Replaying it over and over. That tape made the rounds. Much wider distribution than I was comfortable with, that's for sure.

My Molly girlfriend even heard it, and was pissed. Her righteous indignation was over the top. A triggered many a scolding sermon at the sheer disrespect of it all. Not my intent. Meh, I'd already concluded I'd never go on a mission with her "waiting" at home. Especially a GF I'd already concluded would be Molly Mormon hell to be married to. Months later at my farewell, my tempter buddy who dared me was introduced to the Dr. Bishop LoveGlove. He surprised me by engaging the Doc, in the moment, I was pissed. 2 min. later, I thought it hilarious. Without warning, my buddy said to the Doc: "Ohhh, yeah, you are THE Dr. LoveGlove, right? Don't worry, he always acts like that whenever there's anal penetration involved." I couldn't freaking believe it. The good Dr. turned beet red and just stared holes through me.

I had that tape for over 20 years, then screwed up. Getting rid of my cassettes, I kept everything I wanted to hang onto. Overlooking the LoveGlove cassette, I chucked it. A damn shame. Cambo and I get belly laughs grande listening to all the comedy cassettes we created from grade school on. As a grown arse man and father, it's not exactly like it was anything I'd shared since back then, but still. I even hesitated to share this story, it's even less flattering than most of em' are, and that's saying something. But, it's what happened. And stories are meant to be told. Stay Frosty, Stay Aerodynamic, until next time....