Recovery Board
: RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum.
I'm a non-CES college student currently in my hometown who's been inactive for over two and a half years, lacking belief but also lacking the guts to do formally quit. So I've gotten messages from missionaries.
Every time, I just went along with the call or prayer or scripture discussion they wanted to have, trying to just stay positive and not let them down. Until now.
The local sister missionaries messaged me on Facebook asking if I wanted to see an uplifting Easter video that would bring me peace. The old me would've thought, "It's just a nice video," and continued to engage with the Church, but this time, this was my response:
"Hello sister missionaries! Thank you for reaching out to me and wanting to share something uplifting. Truthfully, I fully no longer believe in the Church and would rather not remain in contact with it. Nothing personal - I hope you're doing well on your mission and have a happy Easter soon"
May seem minor, but it feels like a big shift for me. No more doing things I don't want to do and pretending to feel things I don't feel.
Every time, I just went along with the call or prayer or scripture discussion they wanted to have, trying to just stay positive and not let them down. Until now.
The local sister missionaries messaged me on Facebook asking if I wanted to see an uplifting Easter video that would bring me peace. The old me would've thought, "It's just a nice video," and continued to engage with the Church, but this time, this was my response:
"Hello sister missionaries! Thank you for reaching out to me and wanting to share something uplifting. Truthfully, I fully no longer believe in the Church and would rather not remain in contact with it. Nothing personal - I hope you're doing well on your mission and have a happy Easter soon"
May seem minor, but it feels like a big shift for me. No more doing things I don't want to do and pretending to feel things I don't feel.
Small steps are still steps in the right direction.
The second time will be much easier. Soon it will seem routine.
Progress is always a good thing, however and whenever you can get it.
Not resigning doesn't demonstrate lack of guts either. Most exmormons don't bother. It's nothing to be concerned about.
Progress is always a good thing, however and whenever you can get it.
Not resigning doesn't demonstrate lack of guts either. Most exmormons don't bother. It's nothing to be concerned about.
That’s right, about not formally quitting! By not quitting, you stay mormon, which nowadays pisses them off!
I’m elderolddog, and I’m a mormon!
Yes, well, we no longer use...
I said, I’m a mormon!!
I’m elderolddog, and I’m a mormon!
Yes, well, we no longer use...
I said, I’m a mormon!!
For me, it was because I didn't want my ward's bishop to see - he supported me so much, so surely it would break his heart. But now, I see much less appeal in hiding reality. Sure, it'll sad to find out that a golden child of the ward left, but the sad part came long ago and it's time to move on. I'll probably do the quit form soon so the missionaries won't contact me anymore.
I think that you can acknowledge that you had a human relationship that was meaningful to you at the time. But your needs have changed, and at some point it was time for you to move on.
Standards are slipping. The current two missionaries dispatched to my home call me by my first name-yes really! I prefer to be called 'Brother Perdition but hey what can you do?
You've come to some good realizations. You don't need to please the missionaries or any other church people. You don't need to be directed by them. You don't need to answer to them.
You've been conditioned to respond to requests from church representatives, and it may take a while to overcome that conditioning.
You've been conditioned to respond to requests from church representatives, and it may take a while to overcome that conditioning.
Congratulations!
They may continue to pester you as long as you remain nice.
They may continue to pester you as long as you remain nice.
I like what you wrote.
>>>"No more doing things I don't want to do and pretending to feel things I don't feel."<<<
It does take courage! I used to wonder why the Mormon church seemed to be "against" women's equality, unconditional love, individuality, creativity, curiosity, knowledge (I went to BYU), and even science. These were the very things I liked the most, along with true friendships, joy, and laughter. In order for me to feel like I was a "good Mormon girl", I had to pretend to feel less, do less, and be less. I was sidelined, as the youngest and least social in a large, self-important, Mormon Royalty GA family. No one cared what I thought or felt, or who I was.
Life changed all that for me, when my temple husband beat me, and I divorced him, to save my life. He had a previous history of assault and battery that he and his family hid from all of us. I tried to stay in my old role of the sweet, submissive victim, and married another Mormon man I had known back in the BYU days, and had children with him. He cheated on me the whole time, without my knowing about anything, and was nasty and cruel to me and our children. The children were relieved when he abandoned us--saying he didn't care what happened to any of us, and that he wasn't going to pay a dime in child support or alimony.
Sometimes life changes you. Although I was a victim, I was learning to set boundaries. I would say "No" to church demands, if my children were sick and needed me. I would refuse to clean the bathrooms, because I just didn't want to. I already put in hours and hours of being the ward organist for free, and I was gradually working more and more, learning how to adapt to the role of a working mother. In those days, Mormons frowned on working mothers, so I never got any encouragement. Yet--I didn't have a choice--I was our only income! The business world is tough, and I had to become strong and confident. I met many good non-Mormon people who were trustworthy and kind, and were fine parents, with good values.
Don't worry about leaving your "former Mormon self" behind. You will always have your good heart, your happiness, and your talents, and everything else. Closing the door to the Mormon church, actually opens the door to endless possibilities! I can promise you success! There were times I was abused, abandoned, fearful of the future, feeling like a failure, but I had to TRY. If I can do it, you can.
When you set boundaries, like you described, and stop all the unnecessary, unpleasant, nowhere stuff, you start finding what it is that you truly feel is meaningful and important to you! Whatever those things are, they will fire you up, and keep you too busy to ever want to go back to the deadening safety of sitting quietly in the corner and doing nothing but "obey."
Yes, it's a big shift, but it is also an exciting adventure! Try to do without the abuse part. My children's father dropped out of their lives, completely, and he missed and all the fun that we had, and the holidays, celebrations, games and performances, skiing and adventures, laughter, their high school and university graduations, their weddings, our careers, our cabin, and especially my adorable grandchildren--I have so much!
My new life had many events that were better than anything I could have wished for. My children and I were free from being judged as "a broken family." All of us had 10% more income to see us through the earlier tough years. Leaving the church help us restore our confidence and our positive outlook on life.
Good luck to you. The world is a beautiful, loving place. Don't let the turkeys keep you down.
>>>"No more doing things I don't want to do and pretending to feel things I don't feel."<<<
It does take courage! I used to wonder why the Mormon church seemed to be "against" women's equality, unconditional love, individuality, creativity, curiosity, knowledge (I went to BYU), and even science. These were the very things I liked the most, along with true friendships, joy, and laughter. In order for me to feel like I was a "good Mormon girl", I had to pretend to feel less, do less, and be less. I was sidelined, as the youngest and least social in a large, self-important, Mormon Royalty GA family. No one cared what I thought or felt, or who I was.
Life changed all that for me, when my temple husband beat me, and I divorced him, to save my life. He had a previous history of assault and battery that he and his family hid from all of us. I tried to stay in my old role of the sweet, submissive victim, and married another Mormon man I had known back in the BYU days, and had children with him. He cheated on me the whole time, without my knowing about anything, and was nasty and cruel to me and our children. The children were relieved when he abandoned us--saying he didn't care what happened to any of us, and that he wasn't going to pay a dime in child support or alimony.
Sometimes life changes you. Although I was a victim, I was learning to set boundaries. I would say "No" to church demands, if my children were sick and needed me. I would refuse to clean the bathrooms, because I just didn't want to. I already put in hours and hours of being the ward organist for free, and I was gradually working more and more, learning how to adapt to the role of a working mother. In those days, Mormons frowned on working mothers, so I never got any encouragement. Yet--I didn't have a choice--I was our only income! The business world is tough, and I had to become strong and confident. I met many good non-Mormon people who were trustworthy and kind, and were fine parents, with good values.
Don't worry about leaving your "former Mormon self" behind. You will always have your good heart, your happiness, and your talents, and everything else. Closing the door to the Mormon church, actually opens the door to endless possibilities! I can promise you success! There were times I was abused, abandoned, fearful of the future, feeling like a failure, but I had to TRY. If I can do it, you can.
When you set boundaries, like you described, and stop all the unnecessary, unpleasant, nowhere stuff, you start finding what it is that you truly feel is meaningful and important to you! Whatever those things are, they will fire you up, and keep you too busy to ever want to go back to the deadening safety of sitting quietly in the corner and doing nothing but "obey."
Yes, it's a big shift, but it is also an exciting adventure! Try to do without the abuse part. My children's father dropped out of their lives, completely, and he missed and all the fun that we had, and the holidays, celebrations, games and performances, skiing and adventures, laughter, their high school and university graduations, their weddings, our careers, our cabin, and especially my adorable grandchildren--I have so much!
My new life had many events that were better than anything I could have wished for. My children and I were free from being judged as "a broken family." All of us had 10% more income to see us through the earlier tough years. Leaving the church help us restore our confidence and our positive outlook on life.
Good luck to you. The world is a beautiful, loving place. Don't let the turkeys keep you down.
I, for one, think it is major. And best of all you did it with class.
Then after we went inactive, one set of missionaries came by. THEN after we resigned, they kept coming by.
One day I had 2 sister missionaries show up and they asked me if I knew anything about the church. FIRST, they told me how nice I looked and I said, "I know I don't as I just got back from a 5 mile walk" in the heat no less. Then I told them I had resigned. They said, "How sad." I said, "Not for me it isn't."
My son started laughing in the bedroom. He said, "This is one subject you never stop from saying what you think" as I tend to be someone people walk all over. Not on this subject. I was rather shocked at myself. I loved it. It gave me a huge boost. I had always been afraid to question leaders. The most important thing this board taught me right off the bat was I did not have to respect the leaders of the LDS church. None of them.
One day I had 2 sister missionaries show up and they asked me if I knew anything about the church. FIRST, they told me how nice I looked and I said, "I know I don't as I just got back from a 5 mile walk" in the heat no less. Then I told them I had resigned. They said, "How sad." I said, "Not for me it isn't."
My son started laughing in the bedroom. He said, "This is one subject you never stop from saying what you think" as I tend to be someone people walk all over. Not on this subject. I was rather shocked at myself. I loved it. It gave me a huge boost. I had always been afraid to question leaders. The most important thing this board taught me right off the bat was I did not have to respect the leaders of the LDS church. None of them.
Sometimes it feels good to speak the plain truth :)