I found a recent article I came across about people growing up in Scientology to be very thought-provoking.


Article: Children of Scientology: Life after Growing Up in an Alleged Cult

(by Ash Sanders in Rolling Stone)

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/children-of-scientology-life-after-growing-up-in-an-alleged-cult?utm_source=pocket-newtab


Discussion and Excerpts:

As many here have said, the various cults have a lot in common. This article about growing up in Scientology and the difficulties in post-cult life for those who leave describes circumstances that would likely be familiar to anyone who is brought up in a similar type of group and leaves it.

Difficulties inside/difficulties outside the group. Leaving can be traumatic in itself, as many here are well aware.

The experiences of the “second generation” (people whose parents got into Scientology and then brought up their children in it) are explored in this article. The emotions and difficulties in learning to deal with life outside the group will be sadly familiar to ex-Mormons, ex-JWs and similar others.

As an aside, if I had disclosed all these experiences and challenges to the writer, it would seriously bug me to see the word “alleged” in the article’s title, as in “alleged cult”. (Maybe the magazine has to do that for legal protection?)

The main reason I’m posting these excerpts here is because the way one of the Ex-Scientologist women expresses how her experience feels well describes the nature of growing up Mormon (and JW) from what I’ve read here about both (as well as somewhat my own experiences in both groups). I can well understand the huge difference between those who are born into such groups and those who choose to convert to them but even as a short-term “convert” (JW & Mormon) I can recognize the issues, challenges and emotions that born-in people run into both when they are inside and after they leave.


I found the following excerpts interesting and enlightening.

The way this woman describes the stultifying nature of growing up in Scientology (quoted below; being crooked, then straight) is incisive and utterly poignant, a tearjerker, in fact. It’s an amazing metaphor (or something), so brief and yet encompassing the entire unusual experience of growing up in a cult, so little understood by outsiders because it’s so far outside the realm of their experience. I think it has great application to Mormonism as well and JW kids too as well as other similar groups (Mormon polygamy’s Lost Boys, for example).


Article Excerpts:

“Christi Gordon … grew up immersed in Scientology before eventually cutting ties."

“Gordon was never taught how to be a kid. Instead, she was expected to be what Scientologists like to call an “adult in a small body,” taking care of herself, by herself, and repressing the fear, grief and loneliness that came with that. She says the experience is like bending over your whole life, trying to avoid hitting a ceiling someone assures you is there. And once you realize there is no ceiling, you’ve already grown up crooked."


“It [the church] calls the Children of Scientology [those who have left the church] an “anti-religious hate group,” full of people that they say have a vendetta against the church."


“After a lifetime of bending over, Gordon is trying to show others — and herself — that it’s possible to unkink what’s crooked so they can finally stand up straight."


“Growing up in the church, she [Gordon] says, emotions like grief or frustration were discouraged, while enthusiasm and serenity were celebrated. So Gordon stuffed away her feelings to survive.”


Another woman says: “As a Second Gen, it’s different than someone who joins later, ... . “They have an identity to go back to. We’re trying to discover our identity in a vacuum.”


I’ve never thought of the difference between BICs and converts in this way before:“an identity to go back to”. What an immense difference between the two experiences with the same organization.


“Dr. Cyndi Matthews, a cult expert and therapist, says SGAs [second generation/born in] from cults —what psychologists refer to as “high-demand groups” — often face these sorts of challenges. People who join and leave as adults have the luxury of connecting with their past selves, she says. “For them, it’s about reconnecting, rediscovering, re-everything. But SGAs don’t have that. Their identity is the cult.” And, since Second Gens’parents often choose the cult over them — during their childhoods and when they leave — they often develop severe attachment issues, fearing that everyone in their lives will hurt or leave them. This makes it harder to make friends, which makes it harder to transition out.”


At the retreat for ex-members: “A woman reads an excerpt from a book about how adverse childhood experiences can lead to heart attacks, autoimmune disease, and early death.”


“Rich currently lives in China, and he’s traveled halfway across the globe to be here [at the retreat for ex-members]. Like so many others in the room, Rich wants a place where he can process what happened to him in Scientology, among people who understand him.”


Re the Scientology teaching of stifling one’s emotions: “When she [another woman] finally went to therapy, she spent the first few days crying, and the first few years figuring out what a feeling was. “It was like flashcards,” she says. “What is this feeling? Is this anger?”


At the retreat: “Everyone is sharing their stories now, and the more people talk about Scientology, the more they talk in Scientologese, sentences stuffed with acronyms and corporate-sounding inspirational phrases. However much they might dislike Scientology, its jargon is their native tongue. Some even say it’s a relief to talk without code-switching, or worrying that they’re talking gibberish. There’s a reason why the language is so central to the belief system, and so hard to shake."


"According to psychiatrist and thought-reform expert Robert Jay Lifton, new lexicons are common in cults — and often essential. He calls the practice “loading the language,” and includes it as one of eight core features of high-demand groups."

“But he agrees with Lifton’s idea of cult idioms as thought-terminating cliches. “It gets people thinking in the cult leader’s system,” he says. “It literally makes it harder to think outside the box.”


“Dr. Matthews agrees, pointing out that many high-demand groups have jargon around emotional repression. Some fundamentalist Christian cults use the phrase “keep sweet,” she says, meaning “stop whining, stop complaining.” She adds, “Jargon like that rewires the brain.”


I note the language thing is evident in Mormonism as well, if only in its unique terms and references but especially, of course, all the names and places found in the BoM, very alien to outsiders. Language is crucial to all our dealings as humans, of course. No accident that the Big-3, at least, in Mormonism shuffle to the side words, phrases, scriptures (eg: PoGP), teachings, ideas, ceremonies and pictures (JS’ First Vision not front and centre in ward buildings any more). Easy way to re-invent the beliefs and practices they wish to emphasize at various points in time.


The experiences and feelings described by ex-Scientologists in this article reminded me of the recent thread by “librarian” who used the word ‘torture’ to describe growing up Mormon. I quibbled at first with that term but had to back off after a re-think when comments by BICs confirmed that the word was an apt choice. It is the people most intimately involved, after all, who should be given room to describe their experiences in any way that fits for them. Even most, if any, adult converts who spend time in the group would likely not ever realize what a BIC’s experience has truly been.


The all-consuming nature of Mormonism on one’s life, especially for BICs, only shimmered on the surface of my awareness during my brief brush with the church. Even a meal is not just a meal, I came to find out when I was invited once to Sunday lunch with a large Mormon family, including two RM brothers who were both called to be ward missionaries (I think that’s the term, I forget at this point). The large enticing hot meal (Sunday roast with trimmings) was all set out and then before we could dig in, they went around the table, everybody taking terms to give their testimony. I had never experienced such a thing before and being fairly shy was dreading my turn, especially having absolutely nothing to say.

It’s OK they assured me, it’s voluntary. Except it wasn’t. When they had gone around the circle and everybody had given their spiel (same old, same old "I know the BoM is true...") we just sat there. I fretted about the lovely food growing cold and wondered what the hold-up was. Turns out it was me. They were all waiting for me to “voluntarily” spout my testimony. Feeling pressured because I was keeping everybody from eating their lunch while it was hopefully still somewhat warm, I muttered a few words but it was like being forced to knuckle under and participate, as I had been pretty clear, I’d thought, that I didn’t want to do it. I felt very ashamed afterwards that I had succumbed to the pressure to make statements that essentially were lies just so everybody could eat.


It doesn’t sound like a big deal in the scheme of things but it’s just one example of how their rituals are indeed forced upon members and the strength of will it takes to withstand their pressure.


Somewhat off topic for this post but for some reason it arises: An example of an engineered “spiritual experience” (that I’ve mentioned here before) is when I was going to get my PB. The patriarch included my favourite BoM scripture and for a minute there I actually thought it must surely have been a direct message from on high (because how would the patriarch know it?). I tripped over the fact, a while later, that one of the ward missionaries (same as the ones in the dinner example above) who knew the scripture I especially liked, had told the patriarch (to whom he was related) about it ahead of time. They thought it was perfectly fine to manufacture an apparent spiritual experience for me. The missionaries (regular ones, not the same ward ones as above) couldn’t understand why I would be so upset when I found out. “It’s like lying” I wailed to them. I found it surpassingly strange that they didn’t understand that, from my point of view.


Over and above that experience alone, I was greatly disturbed by the apparent nonchalance many Mormons seemed to have towards lying. Like the missionaries I witnessed lying to convert, which apparently is a good kind of lying.


When I later left the church and found RfM (sent by the only-ex BIC I had ever met to that point) and began to realize the extent and depth of all the lying it felt truly evil to me. (I cannot stand lying – it is dark and twisted to me. How can it be A-OK in a **church** I wondered).


After reading about JS here at RfM I could see that it must be literally in the genes of some Mormons who seem so comfortable with it, unlike most other people I’ve ever known.


But, my point is, BICs and (most) converts have a far different experience from each other when it comes to Mormonism. I didn’t have to experience breathing in Mormonism from birth and living it 24/7 throughout all my growing up years. I got to skip Primary and Seminary and Dead Dunkings and Mission and LDS Marriage and I am a Child of God and even RS (due to my calling in Primary) and on and on and on ad nauseum.


Still, the brilliant, insightful metaphor by the ex-Scientology woman resonates with me, about Mormonism, WatchTower et al:

“…the experience is like bending over your whole life, trying to avoid hitting a ceiling someone assures you is there. And once you realize there is no ceiling, you’ve already grown up crooked.”


It made me tear up. Infinitely sad.

Yet, she is able to offer hope to others by saying “…it’s possible to unkink what’s crooked so they can finally stand up straight.”

Maybe it’s not inevitable that people are broken forever.

Recovery, from whatever, is what the rest of our lives are for. After we’ve got over the growing up part. Maybe?


(NB: Edited to add some missing quotation marks around some comments plus to add a bit more white space. I know it's long - sorry).



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 05/11/2021 01:27PM by Nightingale.

This is a beautifully expressed and poignant post, Nightingale.

Some years ago, someone in my family married a man who was already deep into Scientology. She and I have had no communication since.

Although all I previously "knew" about Scientology is what I have read in magazines and books, your words here bring that experience to life for me, so it is a least a little easier to understand.

Thank you so much for writing this post.

You are always so kind and generous, Tevai.

Thank you!

An old friend of my family has a son who is into Scientology. She told me he had given them a lot of money on a regular basis. Meanwhile, he lives on a boat in dry dock and drives a 20-yr old car. (But, true enough, did just start a job where he's raking in the bucks. Good thing for Scientology I guess). He lived overseas for a year with one of their groups, learning about their belief system. Gives me the creeps to think of that.

I incidentally ran into him recently at her house. (COVID restrictions allow for one or two "safe" people to gather in homes - my sister is one of my two safeties, the other is this friend - but not her son, who had popped over to do some minor repairs for her). He scoffed at public health requiring masks (therefore, definitely not in the "safe" group for me). I wondered if it was the Scientology that influenced him to disregard public health orders (or if he's just a goof).

When I was a young kid an imposing church building on the corner across the street from us was called Church of Jesus Christ, Scientist. I have wondered since if that was Scientology.

I wish nobody would use the word 'science' or any derivative unless they are literally involved in science. It can be confusing and misleading, giving the wrong impression of some kind of authority or knowledge it does not actually possess.

No, it is not Scientology. It us what is usually referred to as Christian Science. It was started in the late 1800s. By "science', they mostly mean medical practices that frequently involve what is called "alternative" medicine. Look it up for a better description.

Oh thank you. I do keep getting those two mixed up.

I've read a bit about Scientology (and it creeped me out).

I should look into Christian Science and then I'd remember it better.

It was a beautiful building that, along with its big sign displaying its name prominently above the impressive doorway, really caught my attention as a child. I think it subliminally affected me as I was fascinated by its name "Christ, Scientist", and was always interested in religion from then on, despite not being brought up in a specific faith (for which I was grateful to my parents. They didn't push anything on me, I was the master of my own misfortune in that regard). But it definitely shaped my impression of the nature of Jesus. And lent credence, in my child's mind, to the thought that he was real and that belief was rational ("science"). Sometimes I laugh at that little kid that I was. Always looking for answers and trying to make sense of the world. Turns out I took the long route to that end.

But the "science of Dianetics(tm)" IS scientology.

Nightingale Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I wish nobody would use the word 'science' or any
> derivative unless they are literally involved in
> science. It can be confusing and misleading,
> giving the wrong impression of some kind of
> authority or knowledge it does not actually
> possess.
===============================

Is that not perhaps by design

Dr. No Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Is that not perhaps by design

Oh, indubitably.

It would appear.

Yes, it is by design. Yesterday, my mom was trying to convince me that U.S. citizens become wealthy through hard work. I pointed out to her that my late father worked physically very hard (he was a carpenter and subcontractor all of his life) and never became wealthy so hard physical labor must not be what achieves wealth in this country. When my mom asked me how then I thought people became wealthy in the U.S., my answer was through luck and relationships. I went on to comment that I think that the U.S. is really a country of salesmen and gamblers. Unfortunately, our reliance on both causes us to sometimes (okay, often) take some terrible missteps when we are searching for the truth about a given situation, and sometimes we never recover from those missteps.

Thankfully, you, Nightingale, did, at least when it comes to religion.

Nice post, Nightingale. Love that metaphor--the invisible crippling ceiling. Exactly what being BIC was for me.

I have long had my own metaphor, very similar, that comes from the Florida Scott Maxwell quote I have posted many times here and has deep meaning for me:

"Life does not accommodate you; it shatters you. Every seed destroys its container, or else there would be no fruition."



The ceiling, like the seed, is a container for that which should be growing straight and tall. It must be shattered.


A long time ago I wrote this about that--the stretching out of atrophied limbs:



“But no matter the means that brought to your shell a forceful buffeting, the husk yielded, the shell burst, and you sprouted.
“You discover that sudden growth hurts: the unfolding of arms and legs, the growing up, this casting off of remnants of handed-down myths that have been willed to you by those you trusted. The muscles and ligatures have nearly seized up from misuse or even no use at all while your life has been on hold, while you awaited a beginning. The pain of ending the suspended animation of the spirit is only there to verify your future, not to mark your demise as you lie in state—not in death, but in hope of birth.

“Once you pry yourself open and stretch to your new height, once you twist and turn to face the sun, once the shell of the seed is left to the ground and can only be seen by looking down, then it is good. Then we finally know what it means when they use the beautiful phrase ‘It gets better.’

“Just hang in there for as long as it takes. Kick the sides and peer through the cracks. Push with examination and shove with a curious eye, and always fear the word same. It is a very dangerous word, same.

“You must explode your duplicitous, indistinguishable, interchangeable, obedient shell. You must see it finally on the ground and crush the shards of the discarded pod under your feet as you walk away.

“The waiting is now over. Life begins.”

Some of us valiantly and elegantly tried our best to push back when church leaders abused their authority and pushed the boundaries. I have previously shared my experience about church leaders driving over to my house on Saturday morning for service projects (after having told them I had plans with my family) and refusing to share my testimony after a temple dead dunking.

All it lead to was me being compared to Laman and Lemuel or being told that I was inviting the spirit of contention to occupy my heart.

And from all those damn interviews, I hate any type of one-to-one conference/interview; especially with my employment.

From Nightingale's experience-

The all-consuming nature of Mormonism on one’s life, especially for BICs, only shimmered on the surface of my awareness during my brief brush with the church. Even a meal is not just a meal, I came to find out when I was invited once to Sunday lunch with a large Mormon family, including two RM brothers who were both called to be ward missionaries (I think that’s the term, I forget at this point). The large enticing hot meal (Sunday roast with trimmings) was all set out and then before we could dig in, they went around the table, everybody taking terms to give their testimony. I had never experienced such a thing before and being fairly shy was dreading my turn, especially having absolutely nothing to say.-

Messy adds: I have never experienced anything like that and I have dined with some fairly religious/spiritual Mormon families and that forced testimony meeting before eating was off the charts of weirdness. And I truly understand the normal desire of wanting to stay quiet. That's exactly how I felt of not wanting to wreck other people's spiritual experiences after dead dunking, but I did not share in that exuberance or thrill of the trip.

I was downright miserable and wanted to get the hell off of the temple grounds and I had both ym/yw leaders telling everyone that NOBODY was going to leave this invented fast/testimony until I shared my testimony. While sitting there, I was verbally attacked/insulted, had hymn books tossed at me and was kicked in the buttocks with sharp pointed shoes from a girl annoyed that I refused to 'fess up and give the standard "I know the church is true.." testimony.

And this is why the church will never be respected: Cults require absolute obedience to authority. No questions asked.

I thought of Tevai when I read in this article that one of the ex-Scientologists had Jewish heritage (see below).


Some thoughts and feelings expressed in the linked article are really sticking with me. Such as:

“People who join and leave as adults have the luxury of connecting with their past selves, she [Christi Gordon, ex-Scientologist] says. “For them, it’s about reconnecting, rediscovering, re-everything. But SGAs [second generation/kids who grew up in their parents’ cult] don’t have that. Their identity is the cult.”

I can absolutely relate to this. I could just walk away from Mormonism, literally, and go back to life as it was before. I hadn’t even told my family I had joined. My Mormon interlude was fleeting and although some negative experiences and feelings stuck with me I did have the “luxury” of reconnecting and moving on, quite easily. The same applies to my time with the JWs. (My parents did know about that and were very unhappy about it but I eventually left intact and, as Gordon says in this article, I rejoined my past life and moved forward). It’s shocking to realize the reality of SGAs in these oppressive groups who literally have no life to go back to. I can see how they could feel so at a loss. Imagine, for one thing, being an adult and not having learned how to express emotion. That can even be considered a form of mental illness. A huge hurdle for them to try and overcome. (In the article, one ex-member even asks: “Is this anger?” when they experienced unfamiliar feelings).

Again re the ceiling. I am amazed at the aptness of this description. It’s stuck at the front of my brain:

“She [Gordon] says the experience is like bending over your whole life, trying to avoid hitting a ceiling someone assures you is there. And once you realize there is no ceiling, you’ve already grown up crooked.”

You could apply this to belief in God even. Many religious folks live their entire lives within the confines of certain beliefs due only to the fact that they believe that God exists. God is the ceiling that holds them in line. But what if there’s no there there? No ceiling? How drastically that can change everything.


From the article re Jewish heritage (for Tevai):

“Abigail [ex-Scientologist; name has been changed for anonymity] has tried to fill the void left by Scientology, but it hasn’t been easy. She’s been exploring her Jewish ancestry, but was freaked out when, on a Birthright trip to Israel, she saw orthodox men shielding their eyes from her. It reminded her of being on the decks at the Sea Org [ in Scientology]. As a progressive, she’s gotten in arguments with other Jews about Israel and Palestine, and she chafes against language about sin, or the idea of an angry God. Despite all that, though, she longs to find a belief system she can put her faith in, and a group where she can belong. She never practiced Judaism growing up, but her mother’s Jewish and so according to tradition, she’s Jewish, too — at least by blood. And for Abigail, that’s something to hold onto. It’s one of the few things that she was before she was a Scientologist — in spite of being Scientologist. It’s a way to connect to a past, a family and a meaning beyond herself. And so she keeps trying, cobbling together a self-styled faith that rejects dogmatism, guilt and authority and embraces ritual and compassion. She doesn’t know what she’s doing, she tells me. All she knows is that she feels a kinship with other Jewish people — as if her body remembers some other way of being and belonging and is giving her clues.”

Doesn’t it just melt your heart? For this woman, her Jewish ancestry is “one of the few things that she was before she was a Scientologist” and it’s a struggle for her to process who she is but this avenue may be just what she needs. For others growing up exclusively in a cult there is no before, just now.

So interesting that Abigail “feels a kinship with other Jewish people”. In a different way, and for vastly different reasons, I felt like that about my relatives in England and the towns we visited there as children too. We had come to Canada when I was 3 years old and we had no other family here. The first time I returned and saw my grandparents again I was 13 and yet they seemed familiar to me. I could recall standing on a street outside a sweet shop with my maternal grandfather after he had bought my older sister and myself some candy mice (and we were only 3 and 4 yrs old at that time). I felt instant love for my grandparents and aunts and uncles when I "met" them again, which I thought was some kind of special attraction due to being related to them by blood. Maybe it was also a deep memory of them caring for me as a baby and young child. For a long time I felt foreign in Canada, like I shouldn’t really be here. I felt displaced from my real home. A bit weird. Early experiences and memories indeed do imprint themselves on us and can have ongoing impacts. One of my earliest memories in Canada is of getting lost when I was too young to be out walking on my own (but I had escaped, ha) and being pushed over onto the sidewalk by a group of older kids. I've always struggled to orient myself in terms of direction and wonder if that unhappy experience really affected me so adversely. I used to think it was because I wasn't really supposed to be in Canada. That feeling lasted quite a long time. I even thought that my husband-to-be was not in Canada but in England, and that I would miss him. Somewhat spookily, I ended up not getting married at all. Hmmmmmmm

I have never thought before about people leaving a cult/group in which they’d been born. They have nothing to go back to, as the ex-Scientologists say, unlike converts who had a previous life. I can feel their emptiness. I hope that eventually most will find their place to belong.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/11/2021 08:33PM by Nightingale.