Mormonism stood between me and the world. I conquered Mormon fears in my heart, but I found that the man I was after it was all said and done was complicated, nuanced, scarred, and carrying around a profound secret of a sad past. I have no problem trying to share my past with people, but it’s not always something they can understand. It’s better not to most of the time, but I crave understanding and intimacy with other people at the same time. On one hand, Mormonism damaged my healthy ability to keep secrets and prioritiize what other people need to know about me by making me feel guilty for everything. On the other hand, I have a cognitive disorder that affects everything from my job to my ability to date and I have a hard time explaining it without bringing up how Mormonism fucked me over. It’s not a given even for people familiar with my condition that people with my condition have experienced so much trauma or grew up with such skewed perceptions of privacy and intimacy. This is the intersection of many things about me and that have happened to me that have made me like this.

The question is this: how do you decide how much to share with someone and how much to hold back? How do avoid people goading you into spilling your secrets as you desperately and angrily try to explain how things really work? How do you avoid feeling guilty for keeping a secret?

It's all because it still raw and not far enough in your past. You're still dealing with it on a daily basis. It will get much easier with time, distance and experience, via trail and error.

One day at a time. One person at a time. Don't try to decide what to say in advance. We all have a gut that tells us what to do. Works much better now that you don't have to insult your intuition by calling it The Holy Ghost.

I would like everyone to raptly listen to my story. Most lose interest halfway through the first sentence I have found. As I often do with their stories. BUT! Sometimes you find someone who does want to know, and even better, you find you really want to know theirs too. Being understood is one of life's greatest gifts and we all crave it.

I like people to know my Mormon history so the get me. I usually just throw it out there as asides and joking tidbits. Like fly fishing. I always start with the whacko stuff. Little by little they know more and more of what I have been through. Makes you interesting which might be even better than being understood.

What you have been through is of great worth. Cards to chest unless you have a good reason to turn them over. No pearls before swine is a good way to go.

I found that people quit wanting to hear my problems very quickly. Well, in fact, in my family, I am the enabler. Everyone comes to me STILL. My youngest brother I was kind of like a mother figure to him as there is a brother between us in age who is mentally and physically debilitated, had a stroke when born, drank paint thinner at 18 months, and was hit by a pickup on his bike when he was 5 and was in a coma for 2 weeks. So I took care of my younger siblings (a sister and the youngest brother). For some reason it fell to me and not my older siblings??? My therapist finds that interesting.

So my youngest brother considers me one of his moms, but what he does to me is to call me on Friday nights quite often. He allows himself one night to drink and on Friday nights, he gets DRUNK. He calls me after he has already started drinking and gets more and more belligerent, won't let me off the phone. He had me crying for 2 hours the day after I had cataract surgery. I don't like to hurt his feelings and so I put up with it UNTIL recently.

My therapist says I'm the identified patient in the family. I get help, so they don't have to. Even my mother would come to me with all her problems.

So I get therapy and I lucked out and on about the 5th therapist, I found an exmo and he is extremely brilliant. He is not like any other therapist I've ever been to. He showed up in my life about 2 years after my gay husband left me. Even my boyfriend, who was never mormon, will say, "You need to go talk to Dave as I don't get mormonism." Well, my boyfriend doesn't get me either. Or they all choose not to. So I talk to my therapist. I don't hve to see him as often these days. Depends on what is going on in my life. When I first started going to him, I went twice a week. I've been seeing him on and off for 25 years or so.

And I'm sure this is not the answer you wanted to hear, but he saved my life. I never could have made it without him and I consider him my friend and he considers me his friend. I can e-mail or call him anytime I want. He trusts me not to abuse the situation. He always answers. He always replies to my e-mails.

I used to have meltdowns when I'd tell someone that my husband is gay. It takes a lot to trust someone with your feelings or your experiences. Eventually you do find some people who listen. I do have a few friends who I do talk to. One is actually mormon. Well, I guess all of them are mormon. But they have been accepting of what I've been through and my parents were when they were alive. They weren't sickeningly mormon like a lot of parents are. Most of my family is out of the church. I'm able to talk to my "husband" and to his old boyfriends as they are all ex-mormon. Two of them are my best friends.

Posting here helped me a lot. Just GETTING IT OUT and nobody knew me in real life and so I could be honest and not worry, ALTHOUGH for a long time I had a lot of anxiety about coming back and checking my posts. I oftentimes didn't re-read them or go back to find out what people said. I still do that.

I have some trauma in my background, but I've condensed it down to two or three sentences that broadly outlines it. This gives people an idea without initially being overly intimate about it. Sometimes it sparks a discussion, especially if the other person has trauma in their past. Plenty of people have trauma, but it's usually of a different nature than your own.

So, how could you condense your story? It could be something like, "I grew up in a high-demand faith in which conformity was valued over interpersonal relationships. If you didn't fall into line you were treated horribly. That really damaged some of my closest family relationships, and I'm still learning how to cope with that." That could open the door to people who have issues with their families or their religions.

Great advice.