You were right about the virus. It is brutal even after it leaves the body. Way worse than the flu. I can attest to this first hand now.

Sorry man. I got vaccinated and everything but still got it. They said it would have been worse had I not been vaccinated though.

Anyways, this could be karma for being a pain in the butt in the past on the forum.

Sorry to everybody for my past. Sorry Zipper. I was a traumatized person of religion and still kind of am but have gotten better a little bit since leaving religion and family of origin totally.

Thanks for giving me a forum to have a voice about abuse in religion that they try to sweep under the rug and basically tried to bury me under the rug also.

Anyways, love you guys.

You've changed a lot. That's something to be proud of.

I have changed a bit.

We're all still learning, your methods are your methods.

If it can snuff out a doctor before his 41st birthday this thing deserves the attention of how it maybe seeks to kill.

The suicides, the drug overdoses, the just plain 'giving up' and neglecting our normal everyday best healthy habits deserves a good hard look, too!

We will know a whole lot more, soon enough.

I am about at week 7 now. It's a real fight of both body and mind and that is all I will say. I am just barely under the age of that doctor as well by a couple years. I would not claim I was as healthy as that doctor either before getting the virus. I try my best to be healthier these days but I have not been the best at it as eating healthier and having a healthy lifestyle in general is kind of a new life skill honestly for myself. Caring about myself basically and putting my needs first is a new life skill as sad as that sounds. Was kind of taught to put myself and my needs last in the family. Was treated and taught like I did not matter for a lot of my life so caring about myself first now is a new thing for me for sure. It's hard to care about yourself when you stopped for a long time and put family first instead of yourself first. Anyways, you probably don't want to hear all this stuff haha. Sometimes there is one child in certain families that gets treated like garbage compared to everyone else for most of their lives. I have learned in recent years that I am not the only case of this happening. There are others that experienced what I had experienced growing up as well. I am not the only kid in their family to be scapegoated continually basically throughout their upbringing. I used to think I was the only one that went through this horrendous type of experience but others have as well so I should not complain too much. Jesus also was scapegoated if you believe that he existed or still exists. Some don't believe in that guy but some do. I am still learning about the guy currently through different books like the Bible and the urantia book but I still don't really know a whole lot about him. Never tried to learn about christ on my own before outside of religion till recently. Why am I learning about christ right now? Because I am fighting a virus and I am scared as f#ck that I may not survive as that doctor did not survive. Not ready to die quite yet. Never even had a family of my own in life or anything that really matters honestly.

I tested positive at end of June 2020. I had been to a Chik-Fil-A by my house, that abruptly closed down two days after my visit. 4 employees tested positive. It took a week to get my nasal swab, which came back positive. My wife and son, who were tested at same time, were both negative. I self quarantined in my house for 14 days, and then had to have two repeat tests at least one day apart to be released from quarantine.

My case was one of basically asymptomatic symptoms; nothing really noticeable at all at the time. This made me think that I really did not have it at all. BUT about three months after this I started to suffer the classic issues for Covid. I get fatigued very quickly now. I have about one, maybe two, hours of useful time to do anything requiring a lot of effort. I just "run out of gas." for lack of a better description. Another symptom is that my body has a hard time regulating my core temperature. I easily get overheated on warm days, and am clod at night a lot more than I ever was.

I got my shots as soon as they were available and I just had my booster.

Hope you make it through this difficult period in your life. I was told yesterday that it gets better as more time passes so there is some hope there.

Yes, it does make you neglect your own needs and has this dread or a wanting to give up feeling about it.

Dr. Gabor Maté’s YouTube presentations are hugely beneficial with topics dealing with how childhood traumas effect us and even our health after we’ve become adults.

Dr. Matés work has helped people close to me deal with loss and trauma as children.

I remember when you told us about your throat injury from being choked. I hope the evil shit who did that to you rots in hell. Please watch some of this doctor’s presentations.

(I turn the playback speed up to 1.25.)

That memory doesn't bother me as bad as it used to but I have been doing a ton of guided meditations to help counter such things in the last year especially so the memory just becomes like a scar basically that no longer effects me as much. What happens to that person is in God's hands now really I don't really wish ill intent like I once did at one point in time. God allowed it to happen for a reason most likely for a wiser purpose maybe. Why God would allow such evil acts against me in the past while helping me way later in life makes no sense still to this day though honestly. Why abandon a kid to abuse just to help him 17 years later basically instead of just finishing the kid off is what I always thought for the greater part of life. But what do I know? It makes zero sense to help the same kid that was once betrayed at least in my brain. No mortal can comprehend God that is for sure especially myself. Anyways, I need to get some shut eye now.

I'm glad that you are on the upswing. Yes, the virus is brutal. I'm sorry that you had to experience that.

You *have* matured. You were very angry when you first came to us. It seems like you have worked through a lot of pain that the church caused you.

You too man. I'm giving you a salute right now for some reason from the U.S. to France hahaha.

I was lucky enough to get monoclonal antibodies as I'm old and have diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis.

I've thought of asking this before. You sound like someone my son could relate to and he has gone through a lot. Would you be interested in communicating with him at least on line for now? He has had a lot of anger about his past, too. It is still there. His dad is gay and abandoned us when he was 10 years old. Now his dad is back in his life and, I wasn't going to say anything, but they went to CA with my ex's boyfriend (22 years old and my ex is 64 and my son just turned 36 on Sunday). My ex hit my son with a closed fist. I'm livid. My son can be difficult I realize, but this would never have happened if the boyfriend wasn't along. Actually, they stayed with one my ex's old boyfriends, who we all are good friends with. What a mess.

Anyway, I assume you can get my e-mail from CZ or Maude or Tevai. In reality, my son just wants his dad to love him instead of forever chasing a new boyfriend, which never lasts. He's been through at least 1000 sex partners. Maybe TMI for here, but I've been sick about all this. One more kick in the gut. My son spends most of his days on the computer and he goes to therapy once a week. I am trying to get him on disability.

Your son sounds a lot like me actually. I have had serious father issues for the majority of my life and am still processing and working through it all to this day. My father is also gay that has pretended like he isn't for all of my life basically.

I am not sure I am the right person to talk to your son as I am not a licensed professional in helping people work through these type of things but I do have first hand experience living through it for sure which may count for something as far as helping someone. The father issue is still one of my biggest struggles and was easily my biggest challenge for most of my life. I am still trying to figure out just who I am completely separate from the father to this day. Trying to figure out the real me basically still out from under the fathers control and influence and also separate from religious influence as well although I do kind of believe in christ separate from all religions basically. I am kind of becoming a Christian I would say but not exactly a full Christian yet by any means. The reason for this is because I do believe that I was helped by a higher power of some kind in recent years especially when I was trying to separate from the trap of religion and family that I was born into basically.

Anyways, I am still a wounded and a healing person currently and struggling quite a bit with post-covid symptoms so I am not sure how much help I could be. I can maybe help just because I can empathetize quite a bit with what your son is going through with the father. Like I said I am still working through my father issues and still don't feel that I have worked through all that I need to work through when it comes to this issue for sure. I have actually been trying to find a good trauma counselor lately to maybe help me to keep working through this issue a lot more but every where has a waiting list it seems to talk to an experienced counselor in trauma so I have to try to work through it myself for now. Maybe God will help me work through this I don't know. I know a lot of people don't believe in God but honestly I do think a higher power of some kind has been assisting me through this process over the years to get me to the better individual that I am today then the one that I was before. I do believe that I am a kinder individual than I was before at the very least.

Anyways, maybe talking to your son could help me who knows? We are close to the same age I noticed. I am a trauma survivor and I know what it's like to be bullied and pushed and shoved and kicked and intimidated by your father for most of your life behind closed doors when they think no one is watching. I am no trained or licensed professional though I just have lived through it and experienced it basically.

Anyways, maybe I could help. Not sure. I have experience living through it is all. Still healing from it all honestly and trying to overcome the post-covid issues which has been a real struggle for me if I am honest.

Anyways I am just someone that lived through the nightmare not a licensed professional like I said. I try to stay in my lane as far as that goes of not being a licensed professional that has years of training and that kind of thing. Maybe someone that has lived through it has a place in helping people though without being a licensed professional. Like I said I still have my issues. Everyone on the forum knows I have issues that I still need to work through myself. There is a lot to heal with me and I know this and is why I turned to God directly to help me figure this out and to get me healed totally somehow from all I went through growing up. I am still not totally sure if I can totally be healed although I have been trying my best. I can say that I have actually been trying even looking outside of the medical field for healing.

Anyways, just let me know what you think if you do think that I can actually help despite my issues that I still am trying to work through currently. I am still kind of a wounded kid in a man's body honestly although I think that I have matured a little bit over the years into maybe starting to be a real man with some self-esteem or confidence.

Adam

Your son and I have a f#ck load in common I will say this much from all you have explained. Sorry for the cussing haha. Maybe your son and I are like kindred spirits dealing with the same things in life and feeling different from everyone else no matter what we do. We both struggle with the father so that's a pretty big commonality. He probably feels like he does not fit in anywhere in life or feel a part of any group Just like me.

You are huge success story in my opinion for RfM. Keep your head up.

I am not sure if I would consider myself a success story quite yet honestly. I have worked through quite a bit of things over the years though both physical and psychological. When I feel like my real happy self again then I believe I am a success at that point.

P.S. I still think about your screen name when I walk by the elderberry supplement at the store haha.

Adam Warrior Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> When I feel like my
> real happy self again then I believe I am a
> success at that point.

When you find it let me know how.

> P.S. I still think about your screen name when I
> walk by the elderberry supplement at the store
> haha.

LOL! I feel honored.

It's really hard to find isn't it?haha.

You make a good point there.

Real happiness and joy has really seemed impossible and really elusive for sure no matter what I have tried to change about myself and also with trying to change my perspective on things to a more positive view.

How do you see the good in life when so much bad happened to you basically? This has been my struggle and effort to shift into a more positive view about everything and see real hope for myself for a change instead of the despair that I had always known for a lot of my life.

Anyways, I do not think shifting the way I see things is impossible. I can have my own life and a real life that I never was allowed to live before I think eventually. I just have to take total control of my life and decisions and keep taking responsibility for myself and my choices. I don't know it is all very hard I won't lie. Takes a lot of work and effort that I was not willing to give in the past but am more willing now to really try and change my life for the better or the positive for once. Instead of living the hell side of life maybe start to live on the heaven side of life for a change. I know others have found that heaven side of life and maybe I can to. Just maybe I am worthy for such things finally. Just have to believe that I am worthy of such things I guess now. Do I deserve a family of my own one day? Maybe. You never know. Maybe I will be a real success story. Just maybe. No one thought it could ever happen for myself and that includes me not believing but maybe just this once a happy ending happens just this one time. I did lose faith in God or a God at a young age for obvious reasons but maybe God will redeem himself for allowing me to suffer greatly at the hands of religion and family. Maybe God will come through for me in the later stages of my life in ways he never did in my youth. Maybe I can be happy and be the real Adam again in this life instead of just being the scapegoat for everybody that thinks they have no flaws and 'perfect' like my family did. My family of origin was f#cked up but actually thought and pretended to be 'perfect'. It was all fake. Totally fake family I was born to and none of them could feel love and still can't feel love to this day.

Sorry kind of went on a venting tangent there haha. Does happen when I start typing haha. Anyways I have to take a walk and exercise a bit I will talk to you later elderberry. I do remember that you have always supported me on this journey and I do thank you for that. When I was way worse you were supportive. I do remember this.

Adam Warrior Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Real happiness and joy has really seemed
> impossible and really elusive for sure no matter
> what I have tried to change about myself and also
> with trying to change my perspective on things to
> a more positive view.

The abuses you and I have experienced makes real happiness and joy more elusive than people who haven't had these experiences.

Some of us with traumatic experiences may never get more than some here and there. It is one of those things about being human. We never know how our formative experiences are going to tumble us into our long lives after childhood.

> How do you see the good in life when so much bad
> happened to you basically?

I used to not be able to see it. I clung to Mormonism in the vain hopes it would provide for me what it did/does for my parents and siblings.

It took me a long time to see it. Well into middle age for me. I used to fool myself that I was good and could see the good. I blocked a lot of the abuse from memory. When my father died and my brother brought up a memory it all came rushing back. I remember all the times my father beat on me and beat me. I remember my mother egging him and other family members on to abuse me verbally.

> Totally fake family I was born to and none of them
> could feel love and still can't feel love to this
> day.

Same. Their love is conditional, judgmental, and infrequent. But I am like them to a degree. The problem is I am their black sheep, whipping boy, scapegoat, and all around problem child. So though I was the most actively abused, they were mostly as neglected as I was. And while I did dish some abuse out, it was upon the younger children who were my parent's darlings.

Those younger children had the closest thing to love my parents could give.

In thinking about it, it reminds me that in some ways being pushed out of the family as I was, I'm so attached to their pain.

> Sorry kind of went on a venting tangent there

Vent away. I know a bit of where you've been and where you hope to go. I'm trying to shake my shackles of manipulative behaviors I perpetuated on my wife and children. I know what it is like to feel like I have no one who knows what I've been through or even cares.

It is a lonely place but what has helped me is learning from my family that loves me to counter the family that didn't.

I do believe you know where I have been. Maybe I will get the family that loves me in the place of the one that did not eventually. You are a good person and it's been an honor as you have been there through some really hard times. I do remember as I have struggled and posted as I have struggled that you were there. I did not have a lot of support besides the forum as I attempted to make my exit from religion a few years back. We both were scapegoated by our families and not many understand what it is like to have been the scapegoat for that entire time. It takes a toll on one's soul to a devastating effect and you wonder if you are ever going to climb back from it and maybe live a normal life one day. I definitely had my doubts about if I was going to make it to the other side. I have come far but I may have a ways to go even still but at least I am somewhat free and am able to make my own decisions for a change even if it is hard at first because I was not allowed to make my own decisions for most of my life really. I kind of just went numb to survive it all. These days I don't feel quite as numb and I feel a little more human then before which I see as a good sign. If I can actually care about someone for real then I see that as a good sign.

Adam Warrior Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I kind of just went numb to
> survive it all. These days I don't feel quite as
> numb and I feel a little more human then before
> which I see as a good sign. If I can actually
> care about someone for real then I see that as a
> good sign.

The hypervigillance to harm and the seeking acceptance are really difficult for me. I have good days and bad ones. Not many people out there understand us. We were conditioned by abuse and abusers. These people won't even acknowledge it. So we search for others. I found some but I didn't treat them right. I hope you do better. We're human and need people but we were so screwed up in understanding how to do that from an early age. Good luck Adam. You are good and worthy of love.

Thanks man.

I will be loved and appreciated for real one of these days for who I really am.

I would say there's nothing to apologize for except ad hominum or saying personal things to other posters, there are some posters that like to stir others up and get a rise, they aren't nice people, avoid them is the best idea,

we all have our opinions and they all have value,

My daughter's psychiatrist was 66 when he got it..he was too young to get the vaccine at the time (he and all other front line medical staff should have gotten it first...another f up by our government) and he died...leaving a huge hole in the local psychiatric community and yet...and yet...when I mentioned he'd died from Covid to an acquaintance, she questioned whether Covid was real. She and her family remain unvaccinated deniers to this day.

If you find yourself contemplating your navel too much, raise your line of vision to the horizon and go for it!

Regarding Dave, send him links to coal-burning (or even better, wood-burning!) locomotives, and he'll forget and forgive any misunderstanding.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILXGNimmiqM

Keep my vision high through this time. From what I read it seems that these symptoms will go away eventually. I hope.

I still have that book you sent me back in the day haha. If they can survive and come back then so can i.

Congrats Adam. Happy Thanksgiving.

You too.