A group of Utah Mormons on vacation in Nevada stopped at a cafe. They immediately, ceremoniously, turned over their coffee cups (before the automatic pour they did then). The not-familiar-with-mormons waitress turned and said to another waitress, "Did you ever see so many people all with ulcers!"
Told often in my town as a kid--resulting in many knowing chuckles.
How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to say the opening prayer, one to put in the lightbulb, one to serve refreshments and one to say the closing prayer. Something like that. There are many variations.
There was a Mormon Bishop and a Catholic Priest sitting together on a long train ride. They began to talk about there religions, and the things similar and different. The Priest asked the Bishop if it was true they don’t drink alcohol. The bishop said that was true, Mormons don’t drink. The Priest pushed him P: “You mean you have never tasked alcohol?” B:”Nope Never” P: “Oh come on, you never even tasted one drop? You don’t know what you are missing! Having a shot of whiskey in the evening after a long day is one of life’s pleasures. ” B “ Well, since we have become friends, I guess I can be honest with you, once I was presented with a shot of whiskey, and at a time of weakness I faltered and did partake. P: “Well, thanks for being honest with me” B: “Is it true that you can never have sex?” P: “Yes, we have to remain celibate out entire lives. B: “So you never even once?” P: “Not even once!” B: Really? P: “Well, since you were honest with me, I guess I can be honest with you. Once there was beautiful woman in my office, and in a time of weakness I faltered and succumbed to her charms and we had sex” B: “Beats the hell out whiskey, doesn’t it?”
Jesus and Moses were hanging out one day, talking about the good old times.
"I've still got it, you know" says Moses. Then he walks over to a nearby body of water, "Watch this!" As he raises his arms in the air, the water slowly parts until you can see dry ground.
"That's pretty good" says Jesus. "But I'VE still got it, too!" Jesus walks over to the water (which has gone back to normal) and begins to walk on the surface...sinking immediately.
"Let me try that again" he says, wringing out the bottom of his robe. Same result. He even tried to get a running start, but that didn't help.
"I don't understand it! I used to be able to do this ALL the time."
Moses takes a minute to think. Then he says, "Well...maybe it's the holes in your feet?"
My Dad used to tell this one in ph quorums and most members laughed along with him- a few scolded his humor but he paid them little attention.
Saint Peters is escorting new arrivals to Heaven and giving them a short tour of the place. And over there we have Methodists and on this side we have Protestants and Unitarians and Catholics and up here- Now we have to be real quiet through here...
Why must we be quiet here? asked one person.
And Peters replied -Because we have Mormons. They and their leader Brigham Young think they are the ONLY ones in Heaven.
Mormon version of joke: Dallin Oaks: President Nelson, I have some good news and some bad news. Nelson: what’s the good news? Oaks: our Lord and savior, even Jesus Christ, has returned to earth. Nelson: what’s the bad news? Oaks: the news came from Vatican City.
Catholic version: Cardinal: your holiness, I have both good news and bad news Pope: what’s the good news? Cardinal: Jesus has returned to earth. Pope: what’s the bad news? Cardinal: the news came from Salt Lake City.