I was invited to a baptism by a family who moved wards after I became inactive, but before I resigned. They're good people..just super over the top with church. My husband says he'll go with me. I feel free supporting people on their paths. I think I'm upset because I know this family probably wouldnt do the same for me.

I'm exhausted of being the better friend...sometimes I feel like the only friend in certain friendships..giving time, effort, care, and concern too often not received in return. My willingness to attend this event hosted by people who pretty much avoided me when I backed away from the church shows me I'm doing it again. I really don't know what my problem is but it needs to stop.

Maybe this is less about the church and more about how my desire to join was only about a desire to be accepted and celebrated for who I am.

I get so sucked into disappointment in myself merely pondering this that I have to be reminded I'm more than the ways I've disappointed myself.

Looking for answers in the wrong places is what someone does when they lack trust in themselves, and I've been working on this.

Looking for acceptance is never the way it's truly found. It needs to be natural. I know this yet here I am trying to get others to like me.

I suppose awareness is the first step.

>> I think I'm upset because I know this family probably wouldn't do the same for me.

Then I wouldn't go. Vote for you. And if the family members don't want to join you for non-churchy activities, then you know where you stand with them.

I agree with summer. If they pulled away from you, attending risks suggesting you owe them something—which you most certainly do not.

That you are worrying so deeply about this raises the possibility that you are still stuck in the Mormon web of expectations.

You're both correct. I worry..for what? These aren't true friends, just aquaintences. Yet, they did invite me. I literally need to write myself a letter that opens with,"Please, release yourself from worrying about those who don't regularly reach out or care about you and your family. Sincerely, your common sense and self respect.

Friendship means give and take and many members fail to understand that. The common perception is that you (by choosing to leave or falling under Stan's power) is that you betrayed the relationship which is stupid.

You really owe these "friends" nothing as you know in your heart that these people wouldn't do the same for you.

I was a long time member and through various experiences and personal tragedies/sufferings quickly discovered that these so called wonderful people were largely absent when I needed support.

Recently, I lost my wife to liver disease and her loss is still painful despite my acceptance that she no longer is suffering. I'm not big on social media, but I am fb "friends" with a handful of church members. Zero of them reached out to me for any type of support. Conversely, dozens of my former school classmates wrote on my wall to offer condolences and some of them whom I have had very little correspondence came through when I needed support the most.

And my wife, who was real big on fb, received hundreds of messages about loss of a terrific person and support for me and her family. Then there was one message that bucked the normal range of emotions~ a church member took the time to bear her testimony about a true church and the importance of temple work. Tacky beyond belief!

My condolences on the loss of your wife. I cannot imagine anyone I know experiencing that and not acknowledging it. Here's to knowing supportive and loving people.

"I'm exhausted for being the better friend."

You aren't friends by my definition.

Real friendship has nothing to do with owing or responsibility--that's more in the category of family. Friendship is about actually bringing something into each others lives just because.

Feeling you owe someone to be there will actually kills friendship rather quickly while we all pretend it isn't dead or at least on life support.


When I was a kid hardly anyone went to a baptism. It was a more personal thing and there was no announcement or fuss. Now it is an excuse for parents to advertise their religiosity. I wouln't support that.

It does sound like you are a giver. The church will take until you decide to stop. There will always be people who need your time and support. There will always be things they want you to participate in. There will always be church jobs after church jobs. It might be a challenge for you to decide what is truly worthy of your emotions and time.

I am a giver type too. It took me a long time to see that if there is not reciprocity, it isn't a good situation for me.

Everyone is correct. They are not your friends, and are an acquaintance instead.

When I stopped attending church, save for two neighbors who always say hello. I have never received a phone call, visit, inquiry, stop by the house. I have had absolute silence.

Even the Bishop only tries to contact me through my wife, which has been twice over several years to try to get me to pay tithing (which shows the true intent of the church). My work place is very diversified, culturally rich, and has very few TBM's. One thing I do know is that if I did not come to work and I did not answer the phone. I would have someone at my house checking on me before days end. But with the church, there would be dead silence.

I never felt accepted in the church when I was young. My family wasn't. Most of us are out of the church. I met some good mormon men where I worked and they accepted me and they still do. Then I married someone gay and he was cheating, but since he knew how to play the mormon game, everyone LOVED him and that was the only time I was treated like I fit in. When he left, the attitude was it's about time he left her. They still think he is wonderful. If anyone reaches out to me, it is to try to get me back in the church. I don't attend anything even if I'm invited, but then I was like that as a mormon as I grew older.

Don't go. Go do something you enjoy doing.

I almost fell over when I read the comment about the person whose parent passed who received no condolences. Since I'm not in Utah I don't often hear of these extreme examples. That one was upsetting..and my condolences for that loss.

I RSVP'd NO this AM and let me tell you it was like I'd sprouted wings! No hard feelings I don't engage where reciprocity isn't present in some form. I say this in the name of Buddha, Jesus, and any other spirtual leader. Ha.

Good for you. Saying, "no" can be very freeing.

My reaction would be contact them by acknowledging the invitation to the event and stating that you longer hold and follow the beliefs of their chosen religion.

Point out the only time there is any communication with them is regarding church matters but never on any other social or friendship level.

Until they agree to have that friendship and social basis, you will no longer wish to interact with them or share in their personal beliefs.

Put your feelings on the line don't beat around the bush. It's your choice on how this relationship is executed.

Out and About already declined the invitation, so she's set.

tumwater Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My reaction would be contact them by acknowledging
> the invitation to the event and stating that you
> longer hold and follow the beliefs of their chosen
> religion.
>
> Point out the only time there is any communication
> with them is regarding church matters but never on
> any other social or friendship level.
>
> Until they agree to have that friendship and
> social basis, you will no longer wish to interact
> with them or share in their personal beliefs.
>
> Put your feelings on the line don't beat around
> the bush. It's your choice on how this
> relationship is executed.

I agree honesty is a solid policy, but I don't owe these people any explaination whatsoever. They're so culty that I'd prefer total avoidance...especially that the wife avoided me for an extended period upon my going inactive. I knew she was cultish from day one and laughed along until I experienced it full force. It felt freeing to basically say goodbye.

> I agree honesty is a solid policy, but I don't
> owe these people any explaination whatsoever.

I again applaud this strategy. You owe no one anything. You have no obligation to explain your feelings or your actions.

It's wise not to give them the authority over you to expect an answer.