When someone stops coming to church, one of two things usually happen. They are either love-bombed by a few members, or totally ignored. When I stopped attending the ward I had been attending for thirteen years, the silence was almost deafening. I was a faithful member, a full tithe payer, recommend holder, and held many callings over the years. I was one of the ward members who came to church weekly, did at least half my home teaching each month, and stuck around for Elders Quorum, and later, High Priests Group.

So, I knew most of the people there, at least superficially. After a short but intense study of church history that completely destroyed the belief I had in the church’s authenticity and authority, I abruptly stopped showing up. I discussed the problems I found with my wife, and little by little, made my new attitude of complete disbelief known to her, but to no one else. She stopped going too, and said she liked Sundays without the stress of getting ready for church. Once in a while she would go, and I told her I would go with her if she wanted, but she knew how I felt and didn’t push me to go. After a while, she stopped going and just stayed in bed. She said she still believed in it though, and I didn’t argue. I just let it be.

As we talked, I found out she’d had issues for years, but never really brought them up. She sucked up the dissonance pretty well. Her issues were polygamy, and the church’s attitude toward woman, steering them out of careers, and instead, teaching them canning and ‘crafts’ like scrap booking, and acting as if these activities should more than satisfy the needs of the righteous daughters of Zion. This curriculum, devised by geriatric xenophobes living at high altitude far too long, is fine for women whose sole purpose is to be impregnated by their husbands, then care for the children full time. It frees up the priesthood to attend to weightier matters like sitting in ‘council’ with each other where we call each other ‘president’ and comment on the awful state of the world full of Godless heathens all contentedly sinning their asses off. For women with a brain though, or talents that don’t require undressing, the nineteenth century pioneer curriculum can, I believe, induce boredom of biblical proportions.

After not attending church for several months, the Bishop showed up at my house one evening. We talked for a while, and I wondered if he smelled the beer I’d been drinking. I expected him to ask me where I’ve been, why I stopped showing up, but no, he just made small talk, and so I did too. He left without trying to get me to pray or commit to anything, just offered some wimpy, ‘hope to see you at church.’

IN THE THREE YEARS SINCE I STOPPED SHOWING UP, NO ONE ASKED WHY I NO LONGER ATTEND—NOT EVEN ONCE. The wall of silence has descended, and I think it’s a result of my ongoing failure to provide communal reinforcement (testimony) of their belief that ‘the church is true.’ I’ve seen through that illusion, but I’ve told no one about my enlightenment. All I’ve done is stop showing up.

Showing up at church means you’re a believer. You get the benefit of the doubt unless you say otherwise. Bearing your testimony from the pulpit is the best communal reinforcement of all, and brings rewards like more callings, and praise like ‘I enjoyed your testimony,’ from the happily reinforced. But if you stop showing up, the assumption that you believe is eventually withdrawn. Doubt sets in, then fear. Then silence.

The wall is a necessary part of any system, like Mormonism, that requires separation from a rational world so rational thinking doesn’t infect it. Mormonism, a system designed by ignorant, nineteenth-century, Yankee money diggers has survived more than a hundred and fifty years, but requires strong insulation to protect it from the words of those who don’t believe.

I was ignored for my exit. But I was ignored at church too so it's what I expected.

dogbloggernli Wrote:
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> I was ignored for my exit. But I was ignored at
> church too so it's what I expected.


Amazing how that can work.

". . . geriatric xenophobes living at high altitude far too long. . ."

Love that.

The reason they didn't ask why you left is because they don't care to know. The fact that you, a particularly a committed TBM, lost your testimony means that you are irredeemable and a potential source of contagion.

Many of us would have liked a chance to explain, I think, but our coming to terms with what we have done is not a process in which they care to be helpful.

I did the same, I just stopped attending. And yes, the silence is deafening. I think one time someone sent the missionaries my way when I was showing signs of going inactive, but that blew up in their face with a 18 year old just out of the MTC know-it-all kid. Heck, I have not even had a visit from any leader for several years.

But I have to admit one thing. Since I was born into the deal, it was baptism, perfect attendance, mission, temple, marriage, callings (two in the bishopric), etc. However, for decades from when I can remember, I was always told, how important I was to God and the church. Heard that message over and over again.

Then I began to have doubts, and learned how to say no. Then one day I just stopped attending, and thus the silence. But in the back of my mind, which I know is a irrational thought. I keep wanting someone to show me that they do care, even though I know LDS Corp. does not, since I no longer give them money.

For some reason this one issue really bugs me.

They need you to play their game. They Need communal reinforcement (testimony) from you.

You're not providing that (neither did I).

If you're not helping to hold the Mormon edifice together,
they don't have a use for you.

I thought it was just me and wondered if I smelled bad.

Not a peep out of anybody when I left. I read stories here about people getting hounded for years after leaving and wondered why nobody came looking for me. At least I know it is not only me

I enjoyed reading this outline of your experience. A place of enlightenment isn't a bad spot to be in, for sure.

As a (very) short term so-called-convert* I wasn't particularly surprised that nobody called to see where I was and why I wasn't there and how could they get me back. I did meet once with the wife (also a convert but happy as far as I knew) of the man who got me into it and after I told her of my main really bad experience (after the horrible baptism one that she already knew about) she said "I don't blame you for leaving" and that was actually very gratifying to hear. So a call would be nice for most leavetakers to get but I think they may want you to feel isolated from their midst or sad to be missing friends or wicked so you deserve to be shunned - who knows. Other times I think that (1) they're disorganized (2) nobody has time for one extra duty (3) they're happy you're gone - one less "problem" for them to bother with? Or maybe sometimes they know why you're missing and they understand or at least don't blame you because they know bad stuff happens?

I know it's harder for BICs on all counts. For starters you have to unpick all the programming entwined around your brain cells. Many converts have the opposite issue - trying to get information and not succeeding. Undoubtedly, not being BIC makes the leaving process shorter and easier for most joiners.

Still, it can hurt that they make it apparent at some point that you are not valued as an individual, whether BIC or not. They're the ones who miss out in the end but meanwhile it can be a tough process for BICs and some converts to take the leap out of the thing. Fortunately, there can be peace and joy on the other side, just waiting for you.


*I don't consider that I ever actually converted because I let them rush me into the font after which "all will be revealed" (It's too sacred until then) except it wasn't so that was a dumb move on my part. No questions before were entertained and no enlightenment after. What a surprise. (Not)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/06/2023 06:23PM by Nightingale.

I actually am really happy I have been relatively left alone. For all my big talk in years past about confronting missionaries, I never got the opportunity and tbh, I probably wouldn't have taken it.

My neurodivergence tends to make me seek validation, so, I have a few troublesome people pleasing behaviors. My big talk about saving missioinaries through tough talk was a defense mechanism in the likelihood that their gentle prodding and soft words might convince and sway ME.

It was a trauma response after realizing how I'd been duped and thepart I played in duping myself. It took a long time to regain trust of myself, my internal voice, and acceptance of my own emotions. I don't think I'd ever be swayed to go back now, but I also really don't like to be impolite to people. But I don't like them visiting me or calling me either, knowing we have nothing in common(I'm a lesbian erotica writer with leftist humanist secular values with ADHD and ASD so church busywork doesn't work on me). It's torture pretending to be nice and suffering through a conversation where they feign concern and miss me and I can't tell them anything real about me lest I open myself to judgement nor am I interested in fostering a deeper relationship with an RS president who wants to make me do garden crafts and learn how to tie ribbons in a bow.

So...my delight at being left alone is purely social sanity at this point because I WILL be polite and smile and respond to their inquiries in a vague nice manner until they decide they wish to leave.

And it all would be a horrible waste of time when I would rather be working on my creative projects.

Although... Once in a blue moon, I'll get a friend request on FB from a missionary or an old guy(someone likely in leadership) that I vaguely remember from church. My first thought is that they're trying to friend me to be able to start up a messenger conversation with me. I always block these people after declining the friend request. Just a passive ghosting, a quiet "No thank you" on the aether.

But then my second thought is wondering if they've been hacked and are not legitimate accounts at all. Mostly because I see so many boomers on FB unwarily clicking ads and links and playing FB games and then getting hacked.

So apparently they don't fight "quiet quitting" but resist actual resigning. Is that accurate?

If so, would this have to do with keeping their official membership numbers up? More generally pretending they have millions of members?

He was exsec and the bishop told me he'd be one of the next 2 bishops and I went inactive. My husband is gay and was cheating with other men, but I wouldn't allow him to go to a bishop again. We've been separated a long time. I knew he was gay when I married him and I dealt with leaders and wouldn't after we got married. I told him he coukd inactive when he was released.

After he went inactive, the primary presidency stopped in to tell the kids we were bad parents and they'd be taking the kids to primary every Sunday. We never allowed it. That was in about 1994/1995. They've never really left me alone for the most part and now that the "husband" lives in the house with me, they bug him, too. We have resigned. They still bug us. They love "him." I'm antisocial, but the women bother me, too. The neighbors are trying to save us. They have 6 kids and I like the kids, so I'm nice to them. Our daughter is TBM, but only goes to this ward when she isn't working in Alaska (her husband is from the ward, too--grew up 3 blocks away).

My mormon aunt is trying to save me, too. So they don't leave me alone and I wish they would. I flaunt that I'm a big sinner, apostate, adulteress, etc. I don't consider myself an "adulteress" other than I wear the badge with pride as I was such a good little mormon girl.

Resigning doesn't help other than in numbers. We never had missionaries come here until after we resigned and then they came by 5 times total so far. I decided quite a few years ago to ignore it all for my daughter's benefit. And she quit trying to save me.

Since I resigned, I haven't heard a word from anyone, and I like it that way.

They're still trying to save (reactivate) you, because you talk about your 'sins', not the things that bother them the most.

I've found the best way to get everyone to shut up and run away from you is to talk about the following:

1. The golden plates were imaginary. There never were any physical plates. The 'witnesses' saw them with their eyes closed.

2. The Book of Abraham bears no resemblance to the professional translation of the papyri. Thus, it is a proven fake.

3. The accounts of the first vision evolved over the years. The 'two personages' version wasn't adopted until the 1880's. This is clearly evident by the accounts given by general authorities speaking from the pulpit. These talks are all recorded in the Journal of Discourses.

4. Joseph Smith, never during his lifetime, claimed to see an angel named Moroni. He claimed an angel named Nephi appeared to him in a dream, not while he was awake. The name of the angel was changed to Moroni after Joseph Smith was killed.

I don't consider any of it sins. If they bring up gay and "it is too bad the husband decided to be gay" I fill them in on the fact he didn't choose to be gay, HE IS GAY. They don't know my whole story and I don't tell them. The neighbors who bother me are fairly new to the area. I've been here for 37 years in this house. The old members of the ward don't try to reactivate us.

They see "my sins" and I flaunt them. If you have a boyfriend pulling up to pick you and coming to eat dinner here every day, they take note. I think it is funny. They started really bugging me when our son ended up in the hospital for mental illness a few times and attacked me a few times. The ambulance and the police kind of let them know something was happening here. The one next door invited me to church so I could find some peace. I told her I went to my dad's farm to find peace and I found it. He died 14 years ago. I am polite to them. They also offered to give us all blessings and I said NO. I wasn't exactly nice to them then.

It is as though we have all these problems as we aren't good little mormons anymore, but I have a neighbor who has some of the same issues with their son who stays in the basement and never comes out. We discuss our sons now and then. She is active mormon and she doesn't try to get me back to church.

I don't go around announcing to anyone anything. I'm very private, but I don't hide the fact I go to the store on Sunday. I mow my lawn on Sunday. And like I said, my boyfriend comes over often and my husband's boyfriend comes over.

I'm not well versed in the history, though I've read it here and it is just icing on the cake. My journey out was completely about my life experience, my experience dealing with leaders, etc.

cl2 Wrote:
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> After he went inactive, the primary presidency
> stopped in to tell the kids we were bad parents
> and they'd be taking the kids to primary every
> Sunday. We never allowed it.

This is so sick, but I know that this happens!

I had a primary teacher tell this to me as a 9 year old that my family had no chance of being together in the celestial kingdom because it had become common knowledge that my 2 older siblings had stopped attending church.

I had lots of familial disharmony and dysfunction and I wanted the attending of church to take away that pain.

The primary teacher's blunt comments hurt my feelings- I am an emotional 9 year old "member". I was crying. The primary teacher got ahold of the primary president. She took me inside the junior sacrament preparation room. There she slapped me then shook me to get a grip on myself. (Had my mom known, my mom would have taken me for a spanking as well).

She then proceeded to tell me that families can only be together if everyone is obedient and attends church every Sunday. That my best hope was to urge my parents to highly discipline my older siblings into returning to church.

And 4 years from this devastating experience, I was told to stay away from my dad, who went inactive.

My mother told me that I was going straight to hell in the kitchen after she learned I had filed for divorce.

I looked at her and said, "whoo hoo let the sinning begin".

She got this horrified look on her face and never threatened\guilted me again.

She slapped you? My dad would have hunted her down. My mother would have been angry, too, even though she was quite quiet. Her parents were both deaf and she was the oldest, so she wasn't very social. My best friend came from a family who was not active. My parents let me hang out with her all the time and I was at their house where they smoked and drank and cussed and yelled a lot, but they were ALWAYS nice to me. We got in trouble in primary once and they took us to the nursery. My mother thought it was funny.

My family was far from good little mormons. My dad didn't attend that often when I was young. He chewed tobacco, drank alcohol and coffee. I was very worried at age 5 that we wouldn't be a forever family because of what I had been taught. I decided I was going to be the perfect little mormon as I didn't want to lose my family and I didn't want to lose my future family. (That worked out well for me.)


When I grew up, I realized our family was pretty normal and the "good" mormon families were hiding a lot of secrets. My mother said to me when she knew I wasn't going back, "You can be spiritual and not be any religion." She told my sister to go to the Methodist church as my sister wanted to take her son to church. Mormonism wasn't kind to our family either. All my siblings except the mentally and physically disabled brother are no longer active.

My sister told me things about my dad's family that I didn't know. She said I like them. They are heretics. My dad told me about his dad taking his mother to church on Sunday (in Corinne, Utah--had to drive in from the farm) so she could play the organ. He would take my little dad about 4 years old to the pool hall until she got out of church. When they released her without telling her, she quit going, too. My grandfather quit as he chewed tobacco from a habit in WWI and they told him he needed to quit or they would have to release him from SS president. My dad's family is wonderful. All the cousins are close. We did things together every holiday.

I was the one none of the family thought would leave. I'm proud that I got out.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/03/2023 10:15AM by cl2.

Thanks for understanding and empathy.

My convert mom did her best to fit into a Mormon world where she would never be equal to the other sisters. For one thing, my mom was educated and enjoyed a career outside the home. I believe the other sisters were envious that she could routinely escape and earn her own money.

Looking back, I realize that I was subject to a lot of spanking and physical abuse because she was goaded by other sisters into raising proper children (seen but not heard). So a primary teacher smacking me across the face or digging fingernails into my arm (that was to move me out of a chair) was how these sisters handled children. Believe me, I would get further spankings at church if I complained about Sister _____ slapping me. So if I got hit, I bottled up my unhappiness or my mom would further the discipline.

"We never had missionaries come here until after we resigned and then they came by 5 times total so far"

You do realize you can stop this?

Just tell them they're not welcome, leave now, don't come back.

If they do call the cops on them for trespassing,

You have this option. I know you may have reasons not to exercise it. But: it remains your option at any time. You resigned. They have no right to keep calling on you.

to not tell them to leave us alone. The sister missionaries who came I told them I had resigned. They said "That's too bad." I said, "Not for me it isn't." My son said I couldn't believe you said that as you are usually always nice. He got a big kick out of it.

A pair of elders stopped me when I was walking my dog on Sunday during church. I told them right up front I had resigned. They asked if they could please just come and do some yard work for us or something and they promised they wouldn't preach to us, just do some work. They said they didn't have anything to do. I still turned them down.

My doorbell is now turned off. We ignore them. I turned it off as I had a dog with a bad heart and he'd get too excited. Never have turned it back on since his passing.

I was totally ignored...but that may have been as a result of dad being big tithe payer or he told them to leave me alone. I'll never know now.

They came looking for me, at least the ward clerk and the counselor in the bishopric. They wanted the keys for the church building. I was a lowly membership clerk at the time.

I was on the porch directing people who were pushing wheelbarrows of smoldering and water damaged debris to different piles in my front yard. None of these people who were helping us belonged to the church.

The counselor reiterated the words from the bishop who had driven down my street at NIGHT. -Doesn't look bad at all!

So I walked into my smoke and charred concrete walls to get his stupid keys. I tossed them underhand at their feet. They became angry- Don't throw our keys. It's not our fault God burned your house (yes, he blamed god for my misfortune).

And then he looked at the keys which were damaged from a plastic key holder. They were wrecked/scorched from the fire. -How are we going to use these keys? They are ruined.

And they left. The ones who told me to count my blessings never visited my ruined home.

There would be more visitors, but they were mere missionaries who couldn't fathom why I would CHOOSE to be offended and risk throwing away my eternal salvation by NOT returning to the Mormon church.

This story is so awful. Who would want to belong to such a church?

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> This story is so awful. Who would want to belong
> to such a church?

The church conditions/brainwashes members to be that suffering and misfortunes are a test and or truly justified because the individual or family has sinned in the eyes of the lord. Since the church and its members buy into the prosperity gospel- Gee all these members are becoming so wealthy because God favors them! No, the wealth couldn't come from preying upon members thru MLM scams, lying, cheating on taxes or outright theft/embezzlement, right?

So many members think in terms of Mormon black/white morality.

And yet it took me 5 years to shake off Mormon inflicted guilt. I had no problems of worshipping god on my own terms, however I was afraid of being seen at the store on Sundays. Weird, eh?

No, I get it. It took me many years to get to the point of shopping on a Sunday.

One Sunday while shopping with my wife, who loves to mess with people. She saw a church active family in the store after church was over. So she put a 24 pack of beer in our cart, and turned the corner into the isle where they were.

We waved high and smiled as we went past them and down another isle. The look was classic.

Maybe its stuff like that is why I never get a visit from anyone out of the ward.

Oh, too funny! Your wife has a great sense of humor.

so despicable. I hope you don't live in the same area. We were treated really poorly in our home ward when I was growing up.

What I'd like to know is if their houses burned down, then what would be the message? They'd never say it was God who was punishing them. They'd twist it in some other way.

And THESE ARE THE MORMONS people. This is the group you want to be a part of.

I told my daughter when she went back to this ward that if I had gone back to my ward when I was growing up, they would have treated me like dirt. This ward liked her dad and they were thrilled to have her back. I have women tell me all the time I have a wonderful daughter and I'm always thinking, "I wonder who raised her."

I still live in the same house, which was rebuilt.

The church doesn't bother me all though missionaries have been tracting on my street.

I had the famous call the sheriff incident when elders locked their bicycles to my perimeter fence. I have been on a "do not contact" list. My late wife and I found that out when we tried to be generous and feed them with a home made meal. They mentioned something vague about needing their mission president permission to enter my home. It was strange as they not only didn't eat, but they almost left my home without a prayer or a "spiritual thought or scripture". I must have been the anti-christ or the beast to them.

When I disappeared I had some who ignored me and some who lovebombed me and harrased me until I submitted my resignation through Quit Mormon. I removed everyone I never spoke to outside of church from my social media, too.

I was a convert and never heavily involved, but I am friendly and spiritual ish..so people liked some of what I had to say. Like you, OP I never did all of that ,"I know this is true.." How could I. No one really knows.

Regardless, it was evident from most people's behavior I was cared for as a member but NOT as an individual.

I never understood that mentality. If I like you in an organization I like you out of it, too.

I feel for people who thought all of their church mates where true friends and weren't.

Very well said.

I was lucky. I moved to SLC to go to the University of Utah. It reminds me of the line from Lord of the Rings. "The closer we are to danger, the further we are from harm."

My previous bishop probably just assumed that I got assimilated into the Borg and I never heard from anybody.

Hiding in plain site. Like a ninja! (kinda)

T-Bone, kind sir, when were you at the U?

Mormonism is afraid of what it doesn't know...

It doesn't know anything!

"Church" disappears from you.
You are relieved (think live and live)!

Live returns to normal.
That's for sure!

This is like °magic°
You are actually FREE!

Others might wonder why you left
But few investigate or even write.

No one will care except a few may pretend they "miss" you
Without actually so much as doing anything about it.

HAPPINESS is eternal, to non-mormons!

Ultimately, happiness is what you're after
And it's just outside every chapel door.

when i was still a member, I had visiting teachers want to visit teach me and a visit from sister missionaries once but nobody else. in mormonism, people have to be assigned to you to be your friend or be concerned

That's rather sad, isn't it? So many people have said here that when their ward boundaries changed, certain "friendships" vanished on them with the boundary changes.

When I left, I was harassed for YEARS. I moved out of my parent's house at 18...as soon as I financially could! I never went back to church after that. From then on, I kept getting messages on my answering machine (haha this was a long time ago) from church people, mishies constantly showing up at my door, letters in the mail from visiting teachers, etc. It was so stressful. This continued every time I moved. I couldn't escape it. Fast forward about 20 years. I found this site and the house of cards crashed. Everything I had bad feelings (as a kid!) about TSSC was explained and finally made sense. It was then that I realized the only way to get the harassment to stop would be to resign. Nobody has bothered me since I resigned, save for a busy body that I went to high school with that I see all the time. She hasn't brought it up in awhile, though.

What I'm dealing with now, though is the cousins. As in, my children's cousins. I heard a comment from my niece the other day that 'If xxxxx went to church, she'd be in Young Women's'. xxxxx being my daughter. My sister quickly hushed her up, though. But said niece always seems to have daggers for me (she's 8, newly washed into the cult). She's got a tough personality anyways, so I'm wondering how it will play out as she gets older. Does she automatically hate me because I'm keeping my kids from that church? No matter what I do, I can't seem to connect with her.

So, I'm wondering for those that got ignored when you left...are your parents TBM or were you a convert? I feel that would make a HUGE difference in everybody's post-Mo experience. It certainly has in mine.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/02/2023 02:13PM by bluebutterfly.

I was convert and got ignored

Selina Wrote:
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> I was convert and got ignored

Yes, me too. Not that I'm complaining. :)

They show their concern r re year when they present their membership numbers and include you.

I got one phone call from a guy that said he was my home teacher. I told him I didn't own any home teachers. Last I heard from anybody.

Well, the youngish EQP showed up unannounced one afternoon on Sunday, wondering why I had not been to church since it reopened. I told him the truth. I was am becoming a shut in. That made him blink. Then he asked if I knew my ministering families were. I told him. No, I had a new family, right next door. Then he tried the shaming. I let him know he had not told me. The horse's a$$ who was my "companion" never told me. I informed him that p&!#$ never returned emails or phone calls. Then he starts in on my kids. He had never met them. Finally off he goes. Then my new companion constantly emails, calls to my cell which I can never find. My own ministering brother comes by. That is OK. He is a good guy. One day I open the door and two sisters are standing there. After the small talk one asks if they can come over and give a lesson. No. I mean they think, what a 15 lecture is something I do not know. I even told het, I could give you the lessons. She smirked. One fellow besides my minister comes by. Once a while. He means well. So hate/love/and two who I think do care.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/06/2023 12:06AM by tensolator.