On Sunday I received a phone call from the bishop of my home ward regarding my request to have my name removed from church records. I grew up playing basketball with his kids, we've shared a lovely neighborhood together for ten years, he had been my mechanic- anyway, he called to let me know that he received my letter and ask me to drop a signed copy by his house. His voice was so full of sadness that I felt kinda bad that it had to be this guy doing the "dirty work." I also felt, for the first time in my nearly 8 years of being an exmormon, sad to be closing this chapter in my life. Much of who I am, how I view the world and the people in it has developed from my being raised mormon and the culture surrounding it. As much as I disagree with the doctrine and practices, there are cultural things that I miss. I miss the sense of comradery and sharing common momentous events with neighbors and friends. It's like finally having my name removed is the symbolic shunning of important aspects of my childhood and youth. I've been angry at the church and those who are involved with it, I've pitied them but now here I am feeling kind of blue. Maybe I'm just PMSing or something but seriously, I haven't been able to completely shake the small sadness

I know exactly what you are saying, I think the church instilled that in me and made me a very emotional person. The church called me today to update my records. The lady on the other end seemed very nice on the voicemail and a feeling of sadness kind of came over me because I like the whole idea of people in union and a the huge family community feeling the church use to give to me. It gave me a sense of life...but it was a false feeling and I am ready to stand on my own two feet whether I fall flat on my face or push forward beyond all of them---I don't care anymore. I can look people straight in the eyes now and not look away. I still need to turn in my letter, I am proud of you.

I was happy to have left. So, my process was different.

Also, don't pay any attention to the few posters who will shout the t word just because you have a little sadness with mourning the cultural loss.

I always thought there was something wrong with me because I felt nothing when I left the church. I wanted it to be false. I don't know what that says about my 57 year membership.

notinspite- Was it really a false feeling? I guess, IMO false in the way that the feelings/relationships have been based on meeting through mormon church meetings. I guess we've both come here though, looking for support and those old feelings.


R J- I'm happy having finally removing my name, and like I said, I've been a happy militant atheist for years which is why this feeling is so surprising for me. I guess I'm just looking forward to hearing from people who have dealt with similar feelings.

I did feel some fleeting feelings of anger/guilt/sadness/regret mixed with relief/joy/other good feeling

But, I didn't mourn the social aspect of it at all. And I think for me that was because after I came home from my mission, I had yet to meet a single friend in the church.

All of my good friends except for one drifted away from the church along with me, and I met some nonmo friends along the way.

But church? No way! I didn't fit in at all.

So, my mourning came from different ways.

I think it's Greater/Better without the heavy-handedness that saturates EVERYTHING ChurchCo does.

Any closing of a door in our lives will be accompanied by sadness, because no matter what, something is lost and left behind.

One of my favorite songs is "An Ending (Ascent)" by Brian Eno. This song so well captures the emotions of loss and leaving behind yet at the same time ascendance and relief at a new life.

Try divorce some time and you can really get a dose of this. In many ways divorce and leaving the LDS church have similar emotional dynamics. Don't ask how I know! ;-)

<<<Try divorce some time >>>>

this made me laugh out loud. thanks :)

Don't you think that is exactly what they wanted....they wanted you to have this "cultural" tie so that you would all "STAY" in your place. Think of it that way and not that you will miss it. Why were you in that group? It is what THEY wanted. The others just don't realize what was done to them.

You will adjust and those that completely shun you had no real tie to you in reality. You have not stayed with the program so you are of no value now. Find true friends who you can enjoy life with. But hold on to good memories of those who do not shun you and talk about old times with them on occassion. It is the church you do not like - not the good people....and I am sure there must be some.

I know how you feel. For a long time after resigning I felt the same way as you, albeit with a new feeling of freedom I had never in my life felt.

It has been almost 5 years since I left. Yesterday I went to see a Mormon doctor (professional visit), who I used to home teach, and it stirred those feelings up again.

But knowing what I know in spite of the feelings I occasionally have, I will never go back, and very happy that I made the decision to leave.

Mormons have a way of 'looking and acting sad' when they find out you no longer believe, which is, in my humble opinion, a ruse to make you feel guilty for leaving. That's their problem, not yours.

One other point, your bishop was 'sad' about your leaving. My bishop called me and said "I completely understand". I half expected him to leave the church, but so far he has not.

so sayeth sfex

I was too lazy to sign in, so signed it 'anon for this', however after reading a few more postings, thought I would clarify.

sfex

That fake sadness is also known as guilt tripping. Not a trip you have to go on, or pay for.

It's perfectly ok to feel what you're feeling. I felt it too. It's a great "club" 10% and you're in!!!!

My experience was that I found other communities to be a part of which were far more accepting and loving...yes loving, honestly, not based on what you did or didn't do.
You'll find them based on YOU.

I actually look back with some fondness. I'm old so it was MIA on Tuesday nights. Sacrament Meeting... which you had to go back to in the evening. Spook Allies and Hayrides in the Fall. Roadshows where you actually traveled in the back of a truck to the next ward holding the scenery so it wouldn't be road kill. There were many fun times. BUT, I've found equally fun memories outside the church. Those experiences happened for me when I really needed them. Then, they no longer served me and actually replaced fun with emotional torture. That doesn't mean that I have to flush those memories down the toilet. I loved those times! It is what it is and we find our path when we trust that still small voice that has NOTHING to do with the church. It's called intuition.

Try not to believe that Mormonism holds any kind of copyright on
comradery and sharing common momentous events or "that still small voice." They don't.

You will find your "tribe." Trust me...just give it time. And when you do it will seem just as "true" as what you were raised believing.

You have no idea how wonderful life is when you can be... YOU! No one can do it better.

Be kind to yourself. It really is a process.

Mormonism is one of two recognized subcultures in America -- the other one is the Amish. To be considered a subculture, the people have to have traditions and believes in daily living which are significantly different than the American way of life.

Having your life mapped out for you, missionary service being a rite of passage, temple marriage, the expectation and glorification of women who are stay-at-home moms, the sexual intrusions, the masturbation phobia, and I could go on but I'll stop with just a few examples.

So, my point: you are leaving a culture behind. There are losses of structure and benchmarks of life which meant a lot to you at the time. A lot of people miss the social aspects (not so much today, but in olden times) and the weekly opportunity to connect with neighbors (again, not so much today...).

It's getting easier and easier to leave Mormonism because it's becoming much less exotic and much more boring. Why belong to a Protestant fascist religion when you can belong to one that let's you decide what you tithe and how much you volunteer?

Anyway, I just hung on to the old songs I like and changed the words. I like Saturday's Warrior, so I sing those songs sometimes and the kids like them because of the connections to childhood fun.

"I HOPE they call me on a mission...when I have grown a penis too! I HOPE they call me on a mission, to preach and teach and bitch like missionaries dooooooo."

Ultimately, you will create your own cohort of real friends where the connection is based on shared interests instead of having friends assigned to you. Big difference. Those warm feelings you felt when you thought the ward members cared about you? Well, you either know now or will know that you are a danger and a threat as someone they knew who left the church. Not real friends.

Your new golf/tennis/skiing friends, or the people in your tolle painting group, or your rockart group, trust me you will have the same warm feelings of gratitude that you are all hiking together, sharing work/thoughts/ideas, and best of all, none of them pretend to like you.

It gets better.

Anagrammy

Yup, its an all or nothing religion. You can't pick and choose what what you wish to believe and how you practice. At least for me I couldn't be a half-way Mormon so I quit.

It is was false for me because people were friends with me or gave me their support on account if I was living in a way the church wanted me to...or I guess if no one found out about it. It's all about how you present yourself in the Mormon church. I grew up in a 70 percent populated Mormon valley so I know first hand on how controlling they can be. I always felt awkward at church things and would look around thinking how superficial and fake surface people they were. I was in the in crowd but always felt so empty. I am talking about after mission farewells and such. I also don't believe in God but hope there is a higher power--but do not live my life by that or want to proclaim it by any means. I think it's an individual thing and don't harp on other's opinions or relating feelings..that's what this board is about. I can relate to you on the feeling you had about almost feeling sad..that's all. You aren't alone.

I had already lost my marriage--so losing the LDS church was nothing. In fact, it helped me make "sense" of my life.

I lived mormonism because I felt I had to or be damned. I don't miss it.

Most of my mormon friends are still my friends--so I haven't had that fall out. My family is mostly inactive or not so over the top TBM (I was the most devout).

It was a HUGE relief to realize it wasn't true.

I didn't resign until January 2011. I haven't been active for over 15 years. Every once in a while I realize I'm "not mormon"--doesn't even phase me.

I have hated the church for a long time, but I love my ward members. It kind of feels like you're breaking up with the ward members. I realized that even the really cool tbms will never be close to me the way they were when I was a Kolobian. It would be easier if they were jerks like Joseph Smith or Brigham Young, but they are really nice people for the most part.