To be honest, I want someone to validate my feelings, and tell me that it’s all right to not attend my neighbor's Momon funeral, given the abuse my children and I suffered when we were active, Ture Blue Mormons in that ward. My neighbor was always friendly, kind, optimistic, a loving mother, and a good Mormon wife, married to a former Bisop. She brought us dinner our first night in this house (we’re still in the same houses), and we became friends, over the years, woring together in the RS & YW, taking meals to sick neighbors, etc.

My neighbor’s daughter played with mine, at our house & in our yard, at our piano, up and down the street with other kids on bikes, scooters, skates. Her daughter went away to college, moved to another city, and lost contact. I left the church with both my sons, for very good reasons, and we left quietly, without challenging or debating with anyone in the ward, or making any kind of fuss. They were angry because I would not give free organ lessons, so someone could take my place as organist. No one said, “Thank you for your lifetime of service.” My children and have many stories to tell, and, trust me, we had very good reasons to escape. My daughter and her family are still Mormons, and live on our same street.

When my deceased neighbor found out I had resigned, she approached me on the sidewalk, and said, “You left the church! What did we do to offend you? Did I do something to offend you? I tried to reassure her that I still loved her and the people in the ward, I still wanted her friendship, and I would always have a strong testimony of Christ and the Bible, but I could not support Joseph Smith.

That was the last time we ever spoke. 20 years, across the street. My children got married, my daughter in the ward had babies, my other children moved into the neighborhood, and drove in and out with new cars, bringing the other grandchildren over here to play. Nothing. 20 years.

I want to go to her funeral in honor of those years of fun and friendship and service, and because we were of the few remaining long-time residences of our street, and because she had so many good qualities.

I don’t want to go, because I don’t want to hear about the "Plan of Salvation”, to feel the despair in the building, to breath in the dingy smell of the place, to remember the abuse that the church enabled--for me, causing PTSD so severe that I get physically ill if I have to go there. I actually missed my own grandchildren’s baptisms, though I feel that any religion anyone chooses is their right. I just don’t want to be forced to join in.

The guilt, the bad example to my grandchildren, even more distain and shunning from our neighbors, sending a wrong negative message to my neighbor’s husband and children (although I have had no contact with them, either)...would probably be worse than the nausea and anxiety. I always want to be a good person. No one understands, except someone who has gone through similar experiences.

Would you go?
Should I go?

What do you-all do about Mormon funerals? (I go to the other funerals.)

Good feelings (or bad) are impulses of experiences; is your departed friend leaving a husband or others who will recognize & appreciate your presence?

If yes, I think you will benefit and/or have pleasant memories; if not, my thought is don’t go.

Remember, you can put in a cameo appearance, not stay for the whole deal.

It amazes me that Summer remembers me and my story! >^..^<

I mentioned those experiences only here on RFM. The children and I wanted to keep silent, and resign quietly, without making any fuss, to keep the peace. After dealing with the trauma, we put all of it behind us, and don’t want talk about it. There’s been so much more to think about in the last 20 years! The upside of being shunned, is that those people are out of our lives. This funeral is just a trigger, and I needed help. RFM is such a great help!

So, thank you for your advice! I have a few days to decide. There would be no decision, if the funeral were not in our old ward.

There are other little things I could do for my neighbor’s husband and children, instead of going to church. I’ll probably write them a few brief happy memories on the morturary website, to honor her directly, & bring them my home-made cookies they used to love.

Certainly, they won’t care if I’m at the funeral or not, after 20 years of no words.

I would say it's entirely up to you. I remember your story, and the abuse that you endured from that ward. If it would be upsetting for you to return, then I would skip the funeral without a second thought.

Based on the first 2 paragraphs of your post, I would have said to attend.

Based on the rest of your post, I would say to not attend. If there has been no contact at all for 20 years whatever friendship was there has long since evaporated. Given your described reactions if you attended, I can't see enough positive to warrant having to experience all of the negative.

If it were me, I would skip the funeral and try to just remember the good parts of your past relationship with the deceased. I wouldn't put myself through the ordeal of it.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

Now-a-days, I simply state my case and ask my higher power, or fearless and loving God "What Do You Want From Me?"

It's a new thing and sometimes the subtle answer is go and take a nap.

I might go if I were you, but only in this new light.

Praise the Lord!!

That’s it! If I go and take a nap, I will be there and I won’t be there!

Go and support the family. Listen to the eulogies. When the Bishop gets up, walk into the hallway. He's going to give the PoS speech.

Then return for the end and the reception.

My mom's funeral was half family, and half church speakers. It was an hour long, so you can probably step out for 20 minutes and miss the proselytism. I gave her eulogy, but sat down in the audience afterwards. I pulled out my phone and played a game while the Bishop spoke. I find the proselytism offensive.

If there is a “meet and greet” time before the service, go for that. Then leave and skip the church part. I’ve done that before because of time constraints when I was working. You still showed up, paid your respects and skipped the uncomfortable parts.

I didn't want to even go to my parents funerals. Everything Mormon feels like DUTY. I hate duty. But for your parents, you go.

The Plan of Salvation is as others have said a snore. Life is filled with that stuff and you just daydream as it happens.

Back at the ward house after with the lunch and funeral potatoes was really nice. Catching up with old friends from decades ago. Mine were glad to see me. I'm afraid there might be tension brought from the ones not speaking to you if you go. So your experience would probably be different? Perhaps differences would be put aside at a time like this? No way to know.

After all was over, I went the next day, took some flowers to my father's grave and had my own moment of good-bye. That felt real. That wasn't "doing the right thing" which I'm also tired of doing. You don't owe anyone at the ward.

I would just hate for this to revive pain for you. There are other ways to pay respects and some of them are much more meaningful than a funeral. I would hope that finding one that makes you feel that you honored your old friendship without hurting yourself could be found.

But sitting in the pews on your own terms with everyone knowing where you stand could make you feel like you've taken control over everything that happened.

Some memories sent to the family in a card a week later can mean a lot and let you express your true feelings.

You were good friends. Until you left the church. You expressed your wishes to remain friends and she ignored you. Cut you out of her life for 20 years, meaning she was really never a real friend. Just another conditional fake friend based on your church membership. She ignored you and your family for 20 years, you can ignore her and her family for 1 day. Don't go.

I don't know what's right for you forestpal, but if it was me it would be this one. When I'm done . . .

A funeral is for the survivors & reminds us of our own pending deaths, ‘passing’, not for the benefit of the deceased.

I don't do funerals anymore.
I don't remember who came to the funerals for my parents.
I do remember receiving nice notes from various people later, which meant more to me.

Whatever you decide to do, it will be right!

You don't have to attend a funeral to remember and honor a deceased person.

When I attend a funeral it is because I have a high respect for the person who passed. I never attend for image or duty. It matters little what others think or did. I attend for the person and that is all that matters.

A couple of times I attended the service and then slipped quietly away and avoided all the other ritual drama. Nobody in general noticed. But, I would receive a kind thank you from the family through a card in the mail or a message that made its way to me.

Look inward, and you will have your answer.

So, I just passed Milt and Edy's Dry Cleaners who always have an inspirational quote on their Marquis and today it said this:

"Never shrink yourself to fit into what you have outgrown."

Hmm. . .

That sounds more sartorial than funeral.

Is there something you're not telling us?

>Would you go?

NO!

>Should I go?

No!

>To be honest, I want someone to validate my feelings, and
>tell me that it’s all right to not attend my neighbor's Mormon
>funeral

It is DEFINITELY alright not to go.

As stillanon pointed out above, she chose to cut you out of her life, not the other way around. "Love" is conditional in TSCC. They "love" you when you conform. They don't "love" you when you don't. From what I see, you owe this family nothing.


I think you may be feeling something I felt when my dad died. He had wronged me in more ways than I can count, narcissism, lies, gaslighting, triangulation, blame shifting, etc, and basically licensed the rest of the family to do the same (although he didn't treat them much better).

Consciously and subconsciously I longed for him to say he was sorry, to take responsibility, but he never did. I didn't realize how strongly I wanted this closure until he died, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that it was no longer even possible! Before that I had hope. From that point on I could no longer hope.

Anyway, you were genuinely a true friend to this lady, and she shunned you because her side of the relationship was predicated on you conforming to TSCC's demands (if her side was even ever genuine at all). And it hits you right where you live, literally, so there's no getting away from it. Perhaps you've been hoping for 20 years that she'd apologize for shunning you, make things right, and now she can't.


If it'll make you feel better, send some flowers anonymously, or from "a neighbor." Another thing you might consider doing is to visit her gravesite after a few days and just have a talk with her. That might be cathartic for you.

Personally, I would not go. It doesn’t sound like she was really a true friend, one who would love you and stand by you no matter your religious choice. You need to do what’s best for you, and whatever makes you feel the best with the situation.

TG

My advice? Don't go! Regardless of whether or not her friendship was "fake", you haven't spoken to this woman for over 20 years. By all means, send cookies! Send cards! Send flowers! Write a remembrance in her obituary! Donate to her favorite charity if you want to. But really! I have enough trouble attending family funerals, let alone those of friends who I haven't seen in ages!

I refused to go to my father-in-law's Mormon funeral.

I chose not to attend my cousin's funeral in Raymond a couple years ago. Just wasn't in the mood to get preached at.

I'd go to the viewing. You show you care, you can chat with the people. You get to skip the preaching.

I did that recently for another cousin. Went to the viewing. Skipped the funeral.

I continued to go to a few funerals in this ward after I left. I went to my parents' funerals and to my aunts' and uncles' funerals. Then 2 women I was good friends with in this ward, I just couldn't bring myself to go, BUT I knew them well enough that they would understand why I didn't go. They stayed friends with me after I left the church and didn't try to fellowship me, etc.

My friends always tend to be older than I am for some reason. These women had stayed my friends and I did a lot for them as they grew older and they were always my friends.

My parents and relatives live in Brigham City and I live in Hyrum. The only people at my relatives' funerals didn't know me. My dad would have expected me to go to his family funerals. My mom's only brother lived in Mesa. Even my mother didn't go down to that one. My parents were fairly old then. My mother died 6 months after her brother. Her sister is 89 and her husband died in October. We headed out to go, but there was a big accident in Ogden and we didn't make it. We weren't in the accident. I did go to her granddaughter's graveside service this past January in Deweyville, Utah.

I go to NO funerals here and I haven't gone to a few funerals of friends in high school/the ward I grew up in). I have my reasons and it has to do with them thinking they were always so very special. I grew up with a father who wasn't very active. We were always treated different and I have chosen to stay away from their funerals. Our next door neighbor while growing up we didn't go to their funerals. None of us did. The wife/mother was furious at us. Again, we all had our reasons. There is a lot of history behind all the people whose funerals I have missed or gone to. In your situation, I wouldn't go, but that is up to you.

Even those I was always good friends with I chose not to go. Every situation is unique.