Today I feel the need to vent. Has anyone out there divorced a TBM and been put through hell?
I divorced my TBM husband after 11 years for many reasons, but one of them was the fact that he is so fake. I would catch him in lies all the time - to his parents, co-workers, friends, me. Keep in mind that he was always in a bishopric or elders quorum presidency our whole marriage. He ALWAYS put the church before me and the children, to the point of waking up 20 minutes before church started, getting himself ready, and leaving on time so he wouldn't be late while I was always forced to get up early and get all the kids ready myself - and if we were late, well, at least he wasn't. I could go on and on.
Anywho, since our divorce, I have tried to be kind, even allowing him in my home to spend time with the kids. I had to stop that after I found things disappearing and things mysteriously breaking. I even found a pair of adult, worn socks under my bed that I had never seen before.
Even though he only lived in my home a few months before our divorce, he continued to attend my ward (for the children's sake, he insisted). Since I no longer believe, I allowed him to attend the neighborhood ward. Then I found out he was bringing his young girlfriend to my ward with my children. I told him that was not ok as these people are my neighbors, but he didn't care. As he would not talk to me, I called the Bishop and told him it is inappropriate. The Bishop told me it was not his place to get in the middle and he very much cared for my ex. Long story short - my husband moved his records to another ward so he could attend church with his girlfriend, but left the impression with basically all of my neighbors that I am a crazy witch and I hate the church (ok - that part is true).
I'm so tired of being the bad guy in everyone's eyes because I left the church. I would never treat anyone the way he treats me. Just because he knows how to lie and cheat people and pretend to be someone he's not and attends church every Sunday, everyone assumes he's the good guy and I'm evil.
It hurts and I'm so sick of it all.

"The Bishop told me it was not his place to get in the middle"

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this reply to your awful situation. 'Bishops' and 'interfering in personal situations' go together like 'pen' and 'paper'

"and he very much cared for my ex."

obviously

Stop going to church. Period. Problem solved.

If your husband sees the need for the kids to go, let him pick them up on Saturday evenings and get them to church Sunday mornings while you relax.

"You take the kids" are 4 powerful words which should be uttered by more ex-wives

He's more than happy to take the kids to church to show everyone what a saint he is - a single dad who brings his kids to church while the evil ex sits at home and probably practices witchcraft.
However, what the world doesn't see is the fact that practically the only time he spends with his kids is at church.
And I did stop going to church - it's been almost 2 years. I just don't want to share my neighbors with him and his girlfriend. I feel like I deserve my own space.

"We have the greatest and smoothest liars in the world, the cunningest and most adroit thieves, and any other shade of character that you can mention."

~~ Mormon 'prophet' Brigham Young: Journal of Discourses, Vol.
4, p. 77


Joseph Smith was known to slander women who would not sleep with him as whores and harlots - etc.

He can pick the kids up at the curb.

And please, save your kids from the church too. They aren't going to get anymore help from it than you are.

The church obviously has nothing for you, including the most basic emotional support.

I agree completely. I have no desire to raise my children in the church. However, he has them for the weekends and it is his choice to take them. I hope that they don't become brainwashed like him. I teach them to think for themselves and hopefully that will be enough. I hope as they get older, they will see through their dad's veneer and not want to be like him.
All I can do is tell them I will love them no matter what they decide - and that is the truth.

It might be helpful for you to think long term. LONG long term, like to the point in time your children are grown responsible adults. All the little "worries" now won't be there then. Don't worry as much about what other people think about what you're doing at home.

From my experience, if you're not going to church and doing all the gazillion things required of you, you are lost and headed for he** anyway in the eyes of the church. So does it really matter to you if they "know" what a good person you are while you stay home? These people are going to think what they want, so try if you can to let go of that worry.

Worry more about your kids and how this group of people (the church I mean) is going to brainwash them.

Who has custody? Who has the legal right to say yes or no on the church attendance issue for your kids?

I know how much of a need it is to feel that everyone sees the good mom in you vs what a jerk he is. I was there once.

My child is now 29 years old. My ex, her dad, was and still is a total jerk. I kept my mouth shut, did not ever bad mouth him to her, while apparently he was doing that very thing, always bad mouthing me to her.

In the end, now, EVERYONE, including HIS family, knows what a jerk he was, and that I was the "good guy". It'll come, it just takes a long long time. She and I are very close. She cannot stand him.

It will be a difficult thing for your kids if Mom is saying "think for yourself", and Dad is bringing them to this church, where it's softy pounded into their heads they must think what the church says they must think. This can and will be very emotionally difficult for them.

What's great about being out is I am no longer pressured to lie to live the lie. My life in the morg would have been hell if I was honest. I would have offended so many people and would have been labeled an apostate. I just got tired of lying. It's not healthy.

Some people love to be deceptive and lie. It's a game to them and in the environment of the church, lot's of gullible people to exploit. It seems to be a mix of sheep and sharks. That's the church.

You will always be the bad guy, so get used to that.
I'm the bad guy too.

I found a message board for dealing with narcissist personality disordered ex’s, you may find it helpful. It will explain a lot of what happened to you and what will continue to happen.

http://www.vainencounters.com/

When my ex left, the attitude in the ward was "he left the b*tch." I used to want to stand on my roof and yell, "It wasn't my fault." My ex is very social--I am not. He was LOVED in the ward.

By the time they knew the entire story about what happened to our lives, he was living here again and I just don't give a d*mn what any of them think.

It will get better.

of course they are going to prefer their own. I hope you relax about what your ex says about you. It's standard operating procedure anyway to run down one's ex. People who really know you know the truth about.

My ex went around telling people I was a sociopath. ;) Strangely it didn't bother me; it was like, that's what happens.

Living well is the best revenge.