Recovery Board
: RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum.
Way back in the dark ages, when I was in college, I learned something interesting in a psychology class.
The power in a relationship (friendship, marriage, business, whatever) shifts to the person with the least interest in maintaining the relationship. Yeah, that's harsh, but it's how things seem to work.
So, when we lose interest in maintaining our relationship with the church, the church is put on the defensive. It's about to lose something it wants. So it comes around trying to talk you into staying, wooing you back with baked goods. Please don't go, Baby, I need you!
The weaker side of the relationship will sometimes try to regain power by being (or pretending to be) even less interested in maintaining the relationship. Oh yeah, you wanna leave? Too late, I'm kicking you out! Whether you leave on your own or they kick you out, you still get what you want.
The problem for most of us here is breaking off our relationship with the church while keeping our relationship with spouses and family. We want to stay, so we have less power. Spouses and kin want us to stay, too, but thanks to cult indoctrination, they're prepared to cut us loose if we don't toe the line.
I don't have the answer for that. I only wonder if there's a way to equalize relationship power or, better yet, to change the relationships so they're not about power or control.
Suggestions?
The power in a relationship (friendship, marriage, business, whatever) shifts to the person with the least interest in maintaining the relationship. Yeah, that's harsh, but it's how things seem to work.
So, when we lose interest in maintaining our relationship with the church, the church is put on the defensive. It's about to lose something it wants. So it comes around trying to talk you into staying, wooing you back with baked goods. Please don't go, Baby, I need you!
The weaker side of the relationship will sometimes try to regain power by being (or pretending to be) even less interested in maintaining the relationship. Oh yeah, you wanna leave? Too late, I'm kicking you out! Whether you leave on your own or they kick you out, you still get what you want.
The problem for most of us here is breaking off our relationship with the church while keeping our relationship with spouses and family. We want to stay, so we have less power. Spouses and kin want us to stay, too, but thanks to cult indoctrination, they're prepared to cut us loose if we don't toe the line.
I don't have the answer for that. I only wonder if there's a way to equalize relationship power or, better yet, to change the relationships so they're not about power or control.
Suggestions?
The answer for me goes something like this:
Yes, if you desire to keep your relationship with TBM family that are willing to cut you off, you are in the weaker position.
However, what can give you back some of your "power" is to acknowledge that it is YOUR choice to stick around. You love them, so you choose to sacrifice some of your "power". You could walk away if you wanted to, but love them and choose to say. I personally don't find this to be weak.
Yes, if you desire to keep your relationship with TBM family that are willing to cut you off, you are in the weaker position.
However, what can give you back some of your "power" is to acknowledge that it is YOUR choice to stick around. You love them, so you choose to sacrifice some of your "power". You could walk away if you wanted to, but love them and choose to say. I personally don't find this to be weak.