I put more more stalk in Penthouse Forums than the BoM!
At least the lies in Penthouse could actually happen. Unlike Native Americans being descendants of Jews or any of its other lies.
So here is my version of a letter to Penthouse BoM style.
"Dear Penthouse Magazine, I never thought it would happen to me in million years. There I was engaging in all sorts of 'iniquity' when all of a sudden god cursed me and made me 'loathsome'. From that day forward I 'roam the earth' seen by everyone for the 'loathsome' man I am. Sincerely, Ron Jeremy"
Dear Penthouse Magazine, There she was, sitting in the pew beside me. She bent down to pick up her child's Cheerios and looked over at me to see if I was looking at her fine cleavage spilling out her garment tops. I gave her a secret handshake after the meeting and, well, we did go down. Sincerely, Elder LaSchlong U. Forfree
Dear Penthouse I am an average Elder with an average size "member"..... I was "voluntarily" cleaning the chapel one evening.... My family had other commitment so I was there alone.... When who should appear, but the young womens presidency to perform " service"........
It was going to be a late day at the church while cleaning the toilets for the month. Sister Becky and I would have to spend the entire evening together scrubbing the toilets and urinals. This blessing was going to take forever. "What a bitch" I exclaimed..Becky's long dark hair was sexy as well,she had undone her hair and it was draping down by her chest and occasionally hitting the the big white mint in the urinal as she scrubbed. I love long haired women and Becky's sure was beautiful. And it came to pass Becky was the essence of true beauty and cannot be conveyed by the written word! After a few drinks at the refrigerated water fountain I got the nerve to say something to Becky.. "Sister Becky ... would you like to come over to my house and see my food storage? Oh and by the way... your knee length underwear hanging out the bottom of your Bermuda shorts is driving me crazy". I would never insult a young lady whose acquaintance I have just made with some trite "pick up" line such as "Your place or mine?" but in this rare case her hand could not be removed from the pocket of my Dockers no matter how far I walked down the block. Becky reached down deep into my pocket and pulled out that six inch long thing from my pants...My checkbook.. nervously I placed it in her hand and showed her my recently written tithing check before returning it to my pocket. Finally, at my apartment Becky said "I can tell you want to home teach me" she breathlessly spoke into my ear. Obviously my genuine respect for her womanhood had a tremendous effect on this youthful vixen..She was so excited to be in the presence of a gentleman that she immediately put all her fears aside ... Becky offered me her CTR ring. Before she lost control and burst into flames,I wrote down her phone number and she was so eager to make sure she could be there to pick up the phone when I called that she ran out of my apartment, down the hall, and into her future as my woman. Just thinking about her makes me feel something stirring down there. No, wait, it's just the cat on my lap.
Molly was a recently divorced sister in the ward. One weekend, while her children were out of town with their father, I and elder shepherd decided to drop by for a visit. She said, "God really does answer my prayers, and he loves me more than I thought. ! I prayed for a man right now, but two is even better....Come, and let us partake, elders..."
The closest thing I could find was this lovely "family photo" of the hairy beast posing with his earthly parents, Adam and Eve (played the lovely couple, "Mr. and Mrs. Six-Million-Dollar Man").
Most of my sex education as a teen came from Penthouse forum. I thought I was a real expert until I actually started having sex. I have a good laugh thinking about it now. It was a great read for a 13 year old kid who hadn't gotten laid yet and man did it fuel the imagination.
I wasn't quite sure what the result of posting this thread would be. I figured it would get yanked or at least a warning to keep it PG13.
So while I'm at it here's another one.
Dear Penthouse, There I was one Sunday after church, watching a baptism of a new convert. Being the a good mormon that I am I had a front row seat. All of a sudden there she was, all dressed in white and came down into the water. When she arose from her dunking, and her all white jump suit soaking wet was clinging to her form, like saran wrap on an overfilled bowl of strawberries. I knew right then and there I wanted to give her the "laying on of hands"! For the lord had "blessed" her amply, and seen fit that his "anointed" should have this unobstructed view. Sitting in the front row I could not hide from her my massive testimony. She having seen it was so impressed that after the baptism, we sneaked out alone to the sacrament room where we could read scripture. As we sat together she ran her hand down my thigh, to see how big my testimony really was. Having discovered I was wearing the sexiest underwear know to man (G's), we couldn't wait any longer and that's when it happened. We got engage in an afternoon, married one month later (no one was aloud to come), had twelve kids and gave up 10% of our combined income. Sincerely, Elder Maxwell Load