Since telling my parents and siblings of my sexuality, the relationship I have with them has gone from bad to worse, and frankly I don’t like it. It is not easy to admit, but I really do need family right now. Yes, I have my kids and some exceptionally close friends that bring me great joy, but there is something special about having parents and siblings in your life. I wish there was an easy answer to this dilemma, but there obviously is not. I’d like to tell you a bit about what I have done in an attempt to repair some of these relationships.
I decided several weeks ago to choose one sibling that might be the most receptive to having a relationship with me. My plan was to e-mail, call, or text her while hoping that this might be a start of something good. While I did not expect things to improve overnight, I was not prepared for the almost immediate degradation to the already-poor relationship we had. Things are so much worse than they were before, and I don’t dare try again. I have pretty much decided that having parents and/or siblings in my life will never be possible, and it hurts. I truly don’t dare try again with any of the rest of my family, and it’s a very difficult thing to accept. Yes, I am happy being who I am, but the feeling of being alone is devastating at times. Luckily, I still have my kids.
My oldest son is scheduled to leave on a mission to Mexico in about 4 weeks. He has invited me to hear him speak in church, but I don’t think I can go because of the fact that my parents and brothers/sisters will be there. I know I should go anyway to support my son, but I worry about the stress that might be placed upon him if I do attend. I certainly cannot sit with my ex-wife, and I could never ask the other kids to sit with me. So, if I do happen to go, I will go a little late, sneak in the back, sit alone, and leave as soon as he is done speaking. I would really hate for him to see me there and possibly feel obligated to mention me in his talk. As you can probably imagine, the rest of the ward does not like me very much, and I do not want to cause a disturbance...even a small one. You can probably imagine all the issues my choosing to attend might cause and I don’t know if I can do it.
Anyway, I feel like I have been rambling, but I would like some advice if any of you have any for me regarding this. Thank you in advance.
Wendell

Tough situation. I've had to resign myself to getting my "familY" fix from friends, who are now my adopted family.

It's been sad (at first, quite devastating) and a long process, since it's not like I had a zillion friends before quitting the cult.

Maybe a few of us on this board can adopt each other as family!?!?

I'm sure we could all use a few more friends!!!

Sorry but it sounds like a situation where most people will be focused on your son. Perhaps you should focus on him too rather than assume even before the event that the focus will be on you. Most people embarking on a major life event will focus on themselves (your son on himself) and the people there to support them focus on the person. It takes some maturity to realize all eyes are not on us and our conflicts. Mature parenting is less self absorbed than this. sorry

I kept hoping it would change, but it doesn't. On facebook when I post, friends comment, but family never does.

Friends want to do things with me, family never does.

It does suck, but I think I'll have to get used to it. I can't picture it changing. I was just born into the wrong family.

So much for us choosing our families in the pre-existence.

Good point...... you would never choose their arrogant, rude, "better do as I say" attitude.

It would appear to me that the main relationship that is missing in your life is your relationship with yourself. You have come far but you still allow yourself to be hurt. Your happiness can not depend on what anyone else thinks about you, says about you or does to you. Your happiness can only depend on you loving yourself. You will never be able to stand on your head long enough or well enough to appease those around you. You have a life. So do your parents and siblings. You have no right to expect their actions to bring you happiness anymore than they have a right to expect your actions to bring them happiness.

I suggest you focus on self appreciation and love. You are a brilliant person with an awesome personality. Let go of the past and look to where you want to be. Do not require or expect others to be there too.

Make peace with who you are and where you are. Your journey is awsome. Let go of any relationship out side of the relationship you have with yourself. You have no control over what others do, think or feel.

It may seem that it's about others but it is really only about you. Give yourself the love you are looking for and deserve. Cease to blame others for your unhappiness. They are NOT in control of your life. Only you are in control and only you can find the peace and joy you are searching for.

What others think about you or say about you, be it good or bad, is none of your business. You have no control over them and the only control anyone may have over you is the control you CHOOSE to allow them to have. JMHO.. (I had to learn this the hard way as well)

dane Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It would appear to me that the main relationship
> that is missing in your life is your relationship
> with yourself. You have come far but you still
> allow yourself to be hurt. Your happiness can not
> depend on what anyone else thinks about you, says
> about you or does to you. Your happiness can only
> depend on you loving yourself. You will never be
> able to stand on your head long enough or well
> enough to appease those around you. You have a
> life. So do your parents and siblings. You have
> no right to expect their actions to bring you
> happiness anymore than they have a right to expect
> your actions to bring them happiness.
>
> I suggest you focus on self appreciation and love.
> You are a brilliant person with an awesome
> personality. Let go of the past and look to where
> you want to be. Do not require or expect others
> to be there too.
>
> Make peace with who you are and where you are.
> Your journey is awsome. Let go of any
> relationship out side of the relationship you have
> with yourself. You have no control over what
> others do, think or feel.
>
> It may seem that it's about others but it is
> really only about you. Give yourself the love you
> are looking for and deserve. Cease to blame others
> for your unhappiness. They are NOT in control of
> your life. Only you are in control and only you
> can find the peace and joy you are searching for.
>
>
> What others think about you or say about you, be
> it good or bad, is none of your business. You
> have no control over them and the only control
> anyone may have over you is the control you CHOOSE
> to allow them to have. JMHO.. (I had to learn
> this the hard way as well)


What Dane is saying, I think, is what I call taking your power back. Be careful who you give your power to.
You are in charge of you, not anybody else.

You have just recently told your family you are gay, and from what you wrote before, there were some very angry conversations with your father and other members of the family.

It is going to take time for that to heal. And, some may never let go of their negative feelings toward you.

It's not just about your sexuality, it's about how you handled yourself with your family. Some may never forgive you or accept you. That's just how it is with some people.

My advice? Back off. Let it go. Leave them alone for awhile - months probably. Find your own peace and happiness and give yourself time to adjust to the changes and be patient with your family, some of them will come around, eventually. Usually, anyhow. Most people can't stay upset, disgusted, angry, mad, etc. forever.

You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends.

Don't like my advice, ignore it! :-)

If you feel you would hurt your son by not going then by all means go. Do you as say, show up a bit late, sit in the back and leave first. Don't allow anyone to put you down or shun you. Just don't associate with them- only family if they receive you kindly. Tell your son about what you plan to do so he is not at all surprised or shocked. I think many people would love to be your step sisters or step brothers.... Even parental figures. I know I would be to someone in your situation, so don't get too down about all that. Your family chose the church over YOU. They should all be ashamed. They are not able to be "fixed" since they are in a cult.

Go to your son's farewell, sit in the front row, and beam up at him. He's YOUR SON. How other people act is their business. Don't let them steal your child from you.

Be genial to everyone. If they treat you poorly, lift one eyebrow and look faintly amused, as if their customs are quaint, bizarre, and unfathomable.

Be there for your son. He will remember your bravery and loyalty long after the other nonsense wears thin.

I really do see how I should not be focusing on myself. I didn't even realize i was doing that. Truly I thought I was trying to protect my son, but I am man enough to admit that my actions need to focus on him and not myself. Thanks so much. Perhaps I'll find the courage to attend. Thanks again.

Hey Wendell, if I had any brothers you would be one of them!

I can't begin to understand your situation, but I know how hard it was to watch my son get baptized in my ex's new ward.

I keep thinking, you need to be as brave as you can for your son's sake.

Good luck.

Go to your son's farewell and hold your head high. Your son wants you there and it's his event.
Do not feel self-conscious, you have nothing to apologize for. Be proud of who you are .
People can only make you feel inferior with your permission.
You are NOT inferior.

I was exed 24 years ago for being gay. I understand how you feel. If you want to go you must go. You do not have to talk to anyone you do not want to talk to. Be polite and leave any negative thoughts to others if they have them. You are there for you son not them. Go and be proud. At least you will be one of the only real genuine persons there. All the rest just kiss ass.

Show him that he matters more to you than the judgments of idiots in the ward. And from readings on this website, I'd guess there are a lot of "in name only" Mormons in every ward. It might surprise you that a few scared doubters will gain strength from watching you attend without shame or bitterness. One might (not likely but you never know) have the nerve to talk to you and offer a little support. It really is worth the risk. If anyone says anything rude to you in front of your son, guess who your son will support.... YOU. Please give your son every opportunity to see TSCC in action. If it's as bad as you are thinking it will be then you want your son to see how unchristian the Mormon church truly is. If it isn't bad, you will have the opportunity to see who your real friends are and if anyone in your ward has your back. Best wishes. Be strong.