Posted by:
anagrammy
(
)
Date: November 27, 2010 02:07AM
Hi NVE
I have also lost a child and when we say it is the worst, people have no idea. I'm going to tell you a truth that a complete stranger told me- a travel agent, actually. I was in such horrific pain I thought maybe a trip somewhere would give me some relief from my chest hurting and maybe I could even go back to work. People had begun saying I should pull myself together and I wondered if they were right, after all, it had been 5 months.
He picked up a photo from his desk and handed it to me.
"That's my teenager daughter, Annelle. She died five years ago and I am telling you the truth as one parent to another. Your life has changed forever. You will never be the same and you will always grieve for your son. What happens is that grieving changes. I think of Annelle every single day, but the thought of her no longer brings such intense pain. And the person I've become after losing her is a stronger, more alive person than I was before. You might say, Ma'am, that I appreciate every single person in my life so much more since we lost Annelle. There's not a day goes by I don't tell my wife I love her. And because I've changed, all my relationships have improved. And I connect these blessings with Annelle - they are insights that loving her brought me after she was gone."
That was in 1995 and, as you can see, I've never forgotten it. And I am a different person. I never, ever, say anything to my children that I wouldn't want to be the last word from me in their life. Not that we don't argue at times- last month I had to leave one of my daughter's homes when she was trying to excuse some cruel thing he did as the "legacy of Mormon conditioning." I said to her I would leave early rather than say anything I would regret.
Discovering the church is not true was very much like a death. It's a death of something wonderful you thought you found. I was a convert and completely bought into the idea that the gospel was like a treasure hunt and we were sent down here to discover the truth--for our own growth, of course. An obvious, sick way to flatter investigators into thinking they are "special." It's a whole world view that's gone- poof!
Any grief counselor who's any good will tell you that you must also grieve the loss of the future you envisioned you would have when that child went to college, married, had children. The camping trips you would take, the trips-- all gone- poof!
The Celestial Kingdom, the blessings for all that tithing, the pleasure you got from feeling like a "chosen" person, a special friend of Jesus, or however you internalized being a "child of God." That's all gone just like the infancy of all your children is forever lost. It has been replaced by a teenager, then an adult. In your memory, though, that gurgling infant, impossibly cute, still sits somewhere in a high chair.
Leaving Mormonism which infantilizes members for profit is growing up spiritually. Now you are the one in charge of finding the meaning in life. You talk as if there is no meaning in life, which is exactly how we feel after we lost our child--how can things ever be normal, I mean, what's the point? I remember feeling angry that the sun came up and people went to work in callous disregard of my loss. My borders disappeared and I drove and drove through the mountains playing Enya and sometimes I didn't come home until all hours, frightening my relatives who made me laugh by threatening me. "You keep this up and you'll see what will happen!" I thought, what can you do to me when the worst thing I could imagine already happened?
Well, losing your faith in God feels a little like that, too. And here's just my own discovery that dusted me off and set me on a path of solid thinking and has resulted in a much happier life for me and my children: I began to look at non-Christian religions and take courses in Philosophy of Religion. I began to believe there was SOMETHING to be found in spiritual practice, because it exists everywhere, all over the world, and in all languages people are talking about something that transcends just the fanny in the seat, so to speak. So I decided to read up and study and try stuff to see if I could have an honest experience. By honest, I meant one that was not manipulated by someone who wanted me for a statistic, or a sunbeam, or my 10%. And I would be open.
Cutting to the chase (if anybody is still reading), through reading about Eastern religion and meditating, I found that there was peace to be found by going within. I discovered that the law of attraction seemed to abundantly replace AND EXCEED the benefits that I used to think were the blessings that were brought to me by prayer.
In other words, friend, you yourself by the power of kindness and love that you project to others can draw to yourself the loving family and friends you need to support your life. You yourself, through expression of the appreciation of life you feel, can attract likeminded people who will want to hire you, marry you, train you, invest in you, go into business with you. By being the most authentic person you can be, and abandoning all forms of manipulation and lying, you will become yourself a shining truth that will affect everyone around your for the better. You will become a person of influence WITHOUT reading Steven Covey! You will demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit without the goosebumps!
Sorry to be so longwinded but your post touched my heart and I want you to feel hope for the exciting future that lies ahead. My friend, you are going into unexplored spiritual territory and you are at the very beginning of the most exciting adventure ever!
Anagrammy