This is mostly a vent, I need to tell it to someone and try to move on. My DD birthday is coming up and due to DH work schedule we have to do the party on a Sunday. I have to admit the my TBM mom has in the past been excellent in missing church to attend family events and we appreciate it, but for this occasion she has decided that she can't make it because she has to teach a lesson in nursery.
We were in the car together, mom, husband, me and DD. Mom looked over at my DD and said that she was sorry that she couldn't go to the party and celebrate. She explained to my 6 yr old that she has to go to church and watch other people's children so their mom's and dad's can go to their classes. My daughter asked her why she was going to play with other people's kids instead of with her, and my mom looked to me to help. I said nothing. She could get out of this herself. When we stopped at the store a few minutes later she bought my daughter a present to make her feel better.
I am annoyed at how she told her and her reasoning on why it is o.k. I recognized that she might not be able to attend when I planned the party on a Sunday. I knew that the church trumps us, but saying that she needs to watch other peoples kids instead of playing with her grandkids and then telling her granddaughter this. . . I guess DD had to learn what is more important someday. Just very sad.

Hopefully your daughter has a wonderful birthday. Too bad her grandma doesn't find it important to help her create those lovely memories. Happy birthday to her.

She just got an important lesson for her birthday: how the LD$ cult cares more about appearances than family.

Give your DD a virtual HUG from all of us here, OK? She's a lot more important than her own grandmother is willing to realize.

It seems to me your mom is in a genuinely difficult position, having accepted this church responsibility, stupid as it is.

I already promised I'd do this and people are counting on me, instead of "I have to watch these children so Mommy and Daddy can go to church." it might have gone over better. It's one thing to honor your committments and quite another to blow off family for other people's children. The end result is the same but the message given by the actions is very different.

And I have to wonder why she couldn't have switched with some other teacher -- perhaps she tried and no one was willing or perhaps she didn't try. I have no way of knowing.

This probably isn't good advice, but I would have made it very clear to my daughter that her grandmother is making a wierd choice, that you do not understand in the least, and maybe make a sarcastic remark that the president of the United States would go to a family birthday party, but not a Mormon nursery sitter. I mean, make it about grandma's peculiar beliefs, and not about your daughter at all. Then drop the subject.

Reassure your daughter that she is valuable and important, and that she deserves unconditional love, every day of the week.

I'm sure Grandma thought she was being uber righteous in setting an example of "keeping the sabbath day holy" or "putting God first" or whatever.

This makes me angry, because I and the children have been treated like this by family members.

BTW--our old ward in California used to HIRE a paid nursery sitter. You could offer to do that, or find a substitute for Grandma.

BTW--I would be tempted to take photos of your family together at the birthday party, and use one of them for your Christmas card. Without Grandma in it.

forestpal Wrote:
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> BTW--I would be tempted to take photos of your
> family together at the birthday party, and use one
> of them for your Christmas card. Without Grandma
> in it.


PERFECT!!!

And send in the one going to the grandmother a note saying, "I thought it was all about family............"

As for the question as to what she should do? As I said before, she has many times not shown up to church so she could go to a family event. In this way I am luckier than others.
The thing that really annoyed me is her telling my daughter that she was not going to the party because she needed to play (my husband reminded me that she said play, not watch) with other peoples children (nursery). I actually recognized that she might not be able to attend the party because it was on a Sunday. I was o.k. with that. She didn't need to take the extra step to tell my daughter that the kids in the nursery took precedent over her grandchildren. I also wasn't going to help her try to make it better by making excuses or telling my daughter it was o.k. I was silent, gave DD a hug, and said we would miss grandma at the party.
I agree with Michael that she got an important lesson for her birthday about grandma's priorities. I have already learned this lesson and I guess I was hoping that DD wouldn't get it until she was older.

Is that the calling? Because if it is, regardless of how stupid it is, it won't be easy to find a substitute and it's not cool to just not show up.

I'm not criticizing your approach at all, leaving her on her own to explain it, just pointing out that it's not that easy a choice--especially if she believes God wants her to teach the nursery lesson ... as opposed to the bishop finding a way to get some old lady's ass to church on Sunday. That's how my mom got her library calling, and she even admitted it.

I taught Primary for 600 years (well maybe about 30) and if I needed a sub,I found a sub. Finding a sub Sunday morning is hard,but not if you do it in advance. It's the nursery for crying out loud. I was nursery leader 5 times and even though you do have to be organized and have plenty for the kids to do,it's easy to adapt if need be. Asking a mom of a child inthe class shouldn't be hard. Although I knew plenty pf parents that hated working in primary,especially nursery.
I hope your little girl has a great birthday.

Well, it is possible that she couldn't get out of it without causing others a lot of inconvenience. I don't know that that is the case here, but sometimes it isn't fair to others not to fulfil your responsibilities, especially if it at the last minute.. However, in her shoes, I would have tried to find a replacement.SHe could have explained it better to your daughter.

It is all so sad. I teach Sun. school at my church some Sundays and if I have an occassion that I can't make it I just ask for a sub. Mormons I guess don't do that. How sad that she is So IMPORTANT that only SHE can do this job. Her church job in more important that her granddaughter.

honestone Wrote:
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> It is all so sad. I teach Sun. school at my church
> some Sundays and if I have an occassion that I
> can't make it I just ask for a sub. Mormons I
> guess don't do that. How sad that she is So
> IMPORTANT that only SHE can do this job. Her
> church job in more important that her
> granddaughter.
Most of the time, getting a sub isn't that hard, but som e Mormons see it as saying 'no' to a personal request from Jesus which is ridiculous. There might be occasions though when getting a sub is next to impossible. I was just wondering if this might be the case. I think it is doubtful though. I would certainly have tried.

Sounds like she really put Grandma in her place. This may give her more pause for thought than anything else. I mean nursery?? That's just not that tough to get a substitute!

Or do they just want out of their classes? I admit it's been a long time since I went, and I've never been into other people's kids. I don't care how cute they are. I don't even want grandchildren.

And thisis a family oriented church/corporation?

What do you mean? The church *IS* her family. And who are you people, again, exactly?

I could be wrong, but I think there is more in this. I'm a Grandma and here's my take on this:

She's angry at you that you planned the party knowing that she has her church calling at that time. So, rather than make arrangements in advance for a substitute (hohum easy), she chose to get even with you by hurting the 6-year-old in front of you, using the most painful language and thereby showing you that the pain inflicted on your daughter is actually your doing. If you were in church like the good parents she supports, this wouldn't have happened.

Six years old is plenty old enough to know the meaning of "babysit" (or "tending") if you are in Utah. Grandma chose the word "Play" instead of "babysit" to make it more hurtful for the child and "church" instead of "nursery" to make the point that she thinks Mommy should be in church instead of having a party during church.

Mormons use children to inflict pain on adults all the time. As far as dealing with Passive Aggressive behavior from Mormon relatives, I always think being kind and expressing yourself clearly is best. You don't want to be petty in return. You don't want your child damaged, either, so it's important that you make sure your child knows that Grandma is not allowed to do anything else during the time she has promised to be in the nursery. If Grandma could, she certainly would because she loves (you) very much, so let's take pictures and make a book so you can tell Grandma the story of your party.

And then do that. If you sense your child is very sad about Grandma not being there, print some photos of Grandma and paste one in with the guests around the table, saying "Hey look, it's Grandma's spirit!"

A six year old will love to play Grandma's Spirit Comes to the Party. Place your child in the middle of your heart and make whatever happens into something fun. Don't let your anger ruin your daughter's special day.

Then do not say one word to Grandma about it. In the writing world, they call this "show it don't say it." She doesn't need your input once her Grandchild starts telling her that her spirit came to the party and even blew out a candle.

Your love for your daughter is stronger than your mother's petty attempt to hurt your both. And, also, forgive her. She is going to do better in the future because she is learning from each one of these experiences. What is she learning? That there are any number of babysitters and church workers, but there is only one Grandma.

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