A recent move, further distance to church, and a new job have allowed me to work up the courage and or excuse to stay home from church and be less involved in church functions. However, TBM wife complains that she really needs my help with the kids at church. I try to convince her to let the toddlers stay home with me, but she is adamant that they go. I want to be a helpful husband but I really don't want to go to church anymore and I get nothing out of it. Must my lot in life be to attend and babysit in the hall, or can I make a good case for being able to stay home? How have you approached similar situations? An agreement to go only half the time? Just go and take it like a man and be a supportive husband? Thoughts please.

When it becomes too uncomfortable for her to struggle alone with the kids in church, she just might stop going.
Help her at home instead on weekends.

Moreover, you are entitled to have your weekends off in order to rest for the upcoming week. That's what weekends are for.

You say you "don't want to go" but your wife "insists" ?

Sounds like it's her way or the highway. Only you can decide how much more church stuff you want to take.

Every time you take your kids to church you condition them to go there.
It does not matter if they're in the foyer or in the chapel.
I would not do it.

Tell her the choices are to leave them home with you or take them to church with her. Say it as nicely as possible but with firmness. You've just moved and are dealing with a new job to feed the family. You need your emotional and physical reserves for that.

You know her best, but that's what I would do.

I think it's worth it to avoid being sucked into this new ward. It's a good time to draw the line.

I agree with Cheryl. She has chosen what she wants to do. Now you have offered her help at home with the kids and it is up to her to accept that help or not.

I'm sure she is struggling with the kids, but it sounds like she's also trying to force him to go to church. Why not a rotation? Each kid gets a Sunday at home with Daddy, while the other(s) goes to church, and switch the next week. That way each gets exposure to the Gawspel (which Mom wants) and also one-on-one time with Dad (which would be great for both of them).

How 'bout going every other week, or attending for the Sacrament part, and then going off?

I'm in the same boat, and currently attend with the family, but go to the car for the last two hours to read or use a laptop. Not perfect, but it's a useful half-way house?

(PS watching this thread keenly!!)

Stay home, but...
You say...but I really don't want to go to church anymore and I get nothing out of it.
I think you have to make the decision as to whether you just don't want to go or if you don't believe it.
If you don't believe then you should tell your wife. She needs to know. If she still wants to go then it will be on her own. If you just don't want to go then you will face the same problem each week. Again she needs to know. It does take courage and its hard to do, but you have to be fair with her. Best of luck as you make a very important decision.

Dh attended with me to help with the kids and he was a nevermo. I always appreciated him going and helping, especially as a non believer. Eventually, I stopped going and we had lots more fun on Sundays.Dh passed away this past June and this is one of the things I will always remember and love about him.

Maybe it becomes a question of expectation vs. appreciation.

Isn't it odd that the Mormon church, a family church, makes it hard for someone to go to church with kids without a partner?

Why is this? Why isn't it a family friendly church--as families today come in all shapes and sizes?

For example, other churches have kid-friendly groups and activities etc. so there isn't the need to "try to keep the kids still" at least, not for more than a half hour to an hour...

As Cheryl said, you can just not give her the option of you going and helping with the kids.

Tell her that she can either choose to leave the smallest ones with you, or go herself with all of them. Option C, where you go too, is simply not available.

You can offer to help her get the kids ready - dressing, bathing, feeding, etc.

My wife said the same thing when I stopped believing 7-8 years ago. I eventually agreed to go to sacrament meeting, but nothing else. I did that not just to help with the kids, but also for her sake so she wouldn't have to sit there alone.

My leaving Mormonism was extremely tough on her, so this was a compromise I made that I viewed as just supporting her and not about my personal feelings toward the religion. It has worked out okay for us, although I'm bored to tears for an hour every week...

The problem with going to church, even for one hour, is that it cuts up the whole Sunday.

You cannot go early if you are assigned to a later ward.And between getting ready time and downtime afterward the Sunday is shot.

The Mormon church always elbows itself smack into the the middle of people's lives.

Why on earth would you want to get your kids used to attending the Mormon church in the first place?

If you refuse to participate in this indoctrination process and also make it fun on Sundays for the kids to home, your wife may eventually want to stay away too.

you can keep the kids out in the hall away from the indoctrination in their classes also. You can play with them on the lawn, and they'll never have to learn the "follow the prophet" songs. (Those things are so 'Warren Jeffs')

When I left the church, I abruptly stopped attending, leaving my wife to on her own with our children. I think she has resented this ever since. She still attends with one of our children. While my wife acknowledges many inconsistencies in the church, she goes because she says she gets something out of attending.

I have friend who is out with his wife and family, who continued to attend and support his wife eventhough he was absolutely miserable. The wife realized the sacrifice he was making and was more open to listen and study about the facts of the church. Eventually she left the church with all the kids. They appear to be extremely happy exploring and experiencing life post mormonism.

Had I to do it over again, I would have taken the approach my friend took. His approach sent a great message to his wife concerning his feelings for her.

Take turns! Didn't we learn that by age ..FIVE???

When I determined I could not believe the claims of the LDS Church, and could not be a Mormon, I reminded hubby that we did it his way for over 30 years, and now it's his turn to do it my way!
He asked what I wanted. I told him all I needed from him was to live the 11th Article of Faith.

You tell your wife what you are willing to do, and she either accepts it or rejects it. Give her a couple of choices.

Remind her that you are a team. We work things out when things change. There is no guarantee that everything will remain the same in our lives.

For instance: agree to go to one meeting, (Sacrament meeting, for instance), every other week with her for three months. Then you want to renegotiate the arrangement.

Keep the kids out of the meetings, make it Fun Time With Daddy! :-)

I can't count how many Dads spent Sacrament meeting in the foyers year after year! :-)

If she refuses to negotiate, then she takes the consequences of her choice.

Go, and stay in the foyer with the youngest kids. Be gracious and support her. She'll figure it out eventually. Mine did. And we're both out.

If you dig your heels in when she asks for help then you are beginning to drive the wedge into your marriage that will lead to other issues. Take it slowly with her although you may hate it. It may save your marriage in the long run.

Look I understand your husband very well. I am a very religious fanatic of different sorts. I just worship football like there's no other stuff exists on Sundays. This morning my wife bitched & moaned, (rightfully so) so I had to take some time off to take her to lunch. I have to do it.
It's all about gives & takes.

I was in this exact same situation 2.5 years ago. My wife would haul our kids to church, and I would use work as an excuse to stay home. She had a hard time wrangling the kids, who were full of energy and had no interest in sitting down for an hour.

Eventually I decided to be honest with her and tell her I had a hard time going because of some confusion I had with some things the prophet had said. I told her I needed to study to get myself right with Heavenly Father, but I didn't know where to start. I asked her if she would help me, as my eternal companion, to find the answers I needed. She said she would do everything she could to help.

Six months later we resigned from the church. Right before we left we had 'the talk' with our Bishop. He said the reason why we were in this situation was because I hadn't been going to church. I have to admit that he was right, just not for the reasons he thought. ;-)

When you negotiate a compromise with her, don't forget to ask for something in return.

You'll go on certain terms, but she has to ???? What?

Allow the kids to skip it once a month all together so you can plan a fun day for them?

Take off your garments?

Also, try newordermormons.org for more ideas from people who have decided to make compromises to save their family.

As a mormon, I was programmed to think that "life would be fair." I thought I only had to prove myself "worthy," and that didn't have to negotiate to reap benefits.

This is NOT reality!

We can't sit back and expect others to read our minds and repay us for our long suffering.

As a woman, I'd have trouble respecting a man who was so passive that he'd simply fall into line do what this wife is expecting. That is no proof of love. To me it says, "I'm a chump!"

To be happy and successful in life, we need to build up some nerve and gumption!

That goes both for men and women.

Here, I thought you'd give her "the Bishops wife sits alone with all of her kids!" That's what I got when my husband worked three weekends a month, plus was gone all week, leaving me alone to raise the kids 24-7.

It wasn't much fun though, because even though the Bishops wife sat alone at church without her husband, she had older children to help her, and lots of willing people who would help her too, because she was the 'Bishops' wife.

You could ask her if she would like you to ask the RS to 'assign' someone to sit with her and help her..... NO Don't do that! It would make her mad, but "the charity never faileth" women's organization isn't about to 'ease one anothers burdens that they may be light' either!!

Compromise, go, take a good book to read in the chapel, play games with the kids, smile a lot, enjoy having a spouse. She needs the support, and she will eventually catch her breath once the kids are a bit older and her nerves will settle down, then she'll start listening to the BS and realize what it is, but it might be a couple of years. She'll really appreciate the support right now though. And appreciate it more later, when people try to tell her what a rat you are for leaving and how she should leave you! It will fall on deaf ears because you helped her in her time of need. You supported her dreams and she will have them burst and you'll still be there for her.

Some progress has been made. But what doees it all mean?

1) I spoke to her about having me stay home with the kids. Doesn't, work, she says, because the older toddler really really likes nursery and she needs my help keeping him still during sacrament meeting.

2) I spoke to her about going as a family only twice a month. Doesn't work, she says, because she will be playing the piano in primary ever week.

3) I told her I don't get much out of church anymore and that I feel like all I'm ever doing is running after the toddler or rocking the baby to sleep in the hall. I also said that it feels like all I've done the past two years is watch one of the babies while she played the piano in either primary or nursery. It almost seems like she pursues these positions.

4) All is not lost. After church I took her and the kids somewhere fun, saying I'm sure the Lord wants us to spend quality time together, even on Sunday. I guess I must have primed the pump, because TBM wife had us stop by one of her favorite restaurants on the way home as I teased her that it was Sunday.

She acknowledges that church is boring but still is adamant about attending, but when I plan something fun enough, she is wiling to bend the rules. Is there hope?

You're a man, not some woman's little boy, so you get to make decisions for yourself about participating in - or staying away from - the chronically dishonest LDS Church and cultic Mormonism. You're the captain of the ship of your life, not your wife or anyone else. It'll go in whichever direction you set.

For info. about how cultic Mo-ism 'programs' people psychologically and affects their self-esteem, go to http://members.shaw.ca/blair_watson/

Dysfunctional, wounding Morg 'programming' of your children has begun. If you allow it to continue, the LDS Church will systematically indoctrinate your kids - as it has done with millions of young people - to believe that Mormon nonsense is 'true', while the truth is suspect at best and to be condemned or ignored at worst. The result of Mormon 'programming' has been turning psychologically and emotionally vulnerable young people into psychologically immature, naive, easily-duped, socially-inept (in the normal world outside of Mo-ism), disempowered, and mindlessly obedient adult 'Mo-bots'. Is this the future that you want for your children?

If not, you're going to have to put your foot down and insist that they not attend church. There are some things in life worth fighting for; children's well-being is one of them. You've been placating your wife - and even making a reasonable suggestion (staying at home with the kids), which clearly she hasn't been open-minded enough to recognize the value of. Based on what you posted, I'd say you're married to a typical 'brainwashed' female Mo-bot', who's fearful - thanks to LDS 'programming' - that any deviation from the 'straight and narrow path' (including regular church attendance) will result in her children 'falling away' from the church and ending up suffering 'eternal damnation'.

You can try to crack open your wife's LDS 'faith' by showing her 'faith-disrupting' facts, including ones on church websites, which are explained in posts (with links) that I've done recently (use the Search function to find them).

You cannot force your wife to take off her mental blinders and start questioning cultic Mormonism. Nevertheless, you have the parental obligation to protect your children from it. Unless your wife comes around to your way of thinking - more or less - you're in for a fight, probably, and perhaps the break-up of your marriage. (Based on what you posted, it's unknown at this point.)

You need to be willing to take a stand and fight for the psychological well-being of your children. If necessary, you can get the courts on your side by using the testimony of a mental health professional who knows a great deal about the harmful psychological effects of cultic Mormonism: Dr. Mark Malan (ref. http://www.relationshiphealth.org). Mark is a great guy and spoke at an Ex-Mormon Conference about five years ago.

Hopefully, with the info. I've suggested, your wife will wake up and see that the LDS Church has not been honest with her about JS, early church history, the BoM, and other foundational aspects of Mormonism, and be willing to attend less. However, she may be so 'brainwashed' that no matter how many disturbing facts about Mo-ism you tell or show her, she refuses to recognize the truth right in front of her. There are many such Latter-day Saints. You won't know until you try.

It will take courage on your part, and a departure from your previous placating behavior, which will confuse your wife. You'll need to calmly and clearly explain to her what you've decided. You may go 'ballistic', but so what? Again, you're not a little boy watching Mommy get upset. You need to act like a man.

Many ex-Mormons would recommend a 'go-slow' approach, which may or may not work. If your wife remains inflexible and becomes upset when you tell her than you've decided to not attend church, you'll know that you've run into the 'fortress wall' of cultic Mormon 'programming' in her psyche. It's VERY difficult to penetrate - and impossible with many Latter-day Saints. You won't know until you try.

I witnessed this kind of situation as a child with my manic-depressive, uber-emotional/irrational TBM mother after my atheist father insisted that my sisters and I not be baptized at age eight. She later left him and went off to find her 'worthy', priesthood-holder 'eternal companion'.

Go within and find out what is MOST important to you. Your freedom from cultic Mo-ism? Your kids' well-being? Placating your wife and avoiding conflict with her? You get to decide. Just bear in mind that you're not responsible for her thinking or emotions, including those based on her LDS belief system.

Final thought: As Dr. Malan would tell you, young people who were systematically indoctrinated by the LDS Church have killed themselves, so strong was the guilt and shame that church teachings and wounding Mormon conditioning caused them to feel. Don't let your kids become the next generation of victims.

Good luck!

Thanks for posting!

Timothy

Go and help with kids, but make sure they only read X. mormon materials and make sure their coloring books are four X Mormons is only. She gets her kids help, you keep them out of the cult.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/27/2010 09:43AM by get her done.

Of course it will work - if your wife turns down some church jobs.

She needs to get her priorities straight and not expect you to make all the concessions.

Hopefully, you and the marriage have priority over the morg or you are sunk.