Good morning board. I've read this board for several years and tried to participate and being as busy as it was in the past, I could never keep up. Well now that it seems to be more at a slow pace (for now), I decided that I'll attempt again to jump in and join.

Here's a bit of background for me...if anyones interested. I thought about not doing this because "what if" someone I know (family) reads this board...but I thought "who cares" it's not like I'm revealing anything they don't already know about me lol I'm still anonymous..so here goes. This will probably get fairly long, read if you want, no biggie if not.

I was born and raised in Utah...majority of my life in Utah county. I was BIC and so were my parents and their parents...my dad's side, my great great great great (I think) grandfather was the settler of Sanpete County (Isaac Morley), good friend of Joseph Smith and so there's this super strong tie and sense of pride that we all grew up with. I thought it was pretty neat to be connected to the beginning of this true church, even though I never, even as a child, believed it in my heart. I was just suckered into the cultural part of it all. Now I just wonder what were my ancestors thinking??!

I'm one of 8 children and lived in a semi-super mormon family. Parents held many important callings...the kids had to attend young men/young women activities (I got off the hook cause I was that rebellious and just refused (I'm one of the younger ones) and they did their best to do family home evenings etc etc. But there was always a sense of casualness in the home...yanno, like we could go shopping on Sunday if it was at a vending machine (haha jk).

Like I said, even as a young child, I always felt different...and at that time I thought it was something special. Was I some chosen one from heaven that was going to make a difference here in one way or another? That always stuck in my head. I hated church. I was baptized at 8 simply because it was the "thing to do" and it's unheard of to even question. Yet I remember sitting in my bedroom no more than 8 years old, tearing up my baptizm certificate into small pieces and putting it down the heatvent. I wish I could remember or piece together what was going on at that time to warrant my action. But for now, I'll just hold onto that memory with a smile on my face.

At about 14-15 year old is when I said to myself "enough is enough" and absolutely refused to go to church and my parents backed off cause they knew that I was not "worthy" to pertake of the sacrament (small run-in with the law and boys etc) and whatnot and my mom knew by then forcing a teenager will just backfire. I think my dad thought I should still be forced to go.

I know I rebelled in general because this lifestyle/culture was not for me. I was so confused because I was still conditioned to the culture that doing things that would be normal for the rest of the world and deep down, felt normal to me, was not normal to my life I only knew and I had no idea what to do. I started drinking :::gasp:::: coffee at 17 and was promptly grounded one friday night when I brought home my cappaccino from 7-11...so I figured I just needed to be me on the outside and be semi-me at home.

So you know when I was 18 I moved out of my parents home pronto! I end up getting pregnant shortly there after to my current husband that's been a bad situation from the get-go. He's a bit older than I am and I, even if I felt like I was mature and ready for an adult-life, I was not..but it is what it is. I had this fake sense of what life is supposed to be like and I refused to work and silently insisted he should be the bread winner cause that's just how it's supposed to be, right? Wrong. He lived the complete opposite life. He's from NYC, from a single parent household, his mother worked and so in his mind, why on earth would a "wife and mother" not work too? That's caused a lot of grief, in addition to the rest of my craziness lol We end up getting married when our daughter was a year old, even though I didnt want to then, and I still wish I didn't now. When I was pregnant, my mother "strongly suggested" I place the baby for adoption. I would be a "teenage single mother" and <gasp> they automatically assumed my "baby daddy" would have disappeared. Then add into the equation that he is a black man was the last straw lol. "Biracial children have a harder life" WTF? Yeah in UTAH maybe. :::sigh::: Well that whole situation started off on the wrong foot and has caused turmoil in my life, in addition to everything else. This could turn into a full blown therapy session if I let it and I wont.

So my husband being from NYC never intended to actually live in Utah, but considering the circumstances and he's not one to run away from his responsibilities, ended up staying and about lost his mind living in Utah County. Ten years we endured the stupid comments from people (that's a whole 'nother post) and the racism that is still going strong, even though people deny it.

We scrimp and save and moved to NC and started over, mostly to get my now 4 children out of there. I know for myself, being out of Utah and in the "real world" (which is anywhere but Utah) has made a tremendous impact on myself. I feel like I'm around people I can relate to. I've never had SO many friends as I do now.

My parents have always had it in their mind that I'll eventually come back to the church...but that'll never ever happen. Before finding this board I always knew there was something off about it, this board, and my sister (a fellow exmo) and all the outside influence just solidifies it.

I never had to go through any transition of quitting church, having to fight off relief society presidents or bishops or anything like others have...cause I never was fully invested in the church. The hardest thing for me is to erase the conditioned way of thinking...I really feel I've been brainwashed, even though I rejected the teachings...it still happened.

I'm thankful that this board is here...I read it nearly everyday at work and it helps to know that there are other people who've realized all that crazy talk is really crazy talk! and I'm not always the one that's wrong...and it's okay to live the life I see fit for myself and not fall into the mold of what my family does or what they think I should be.

Thanks for listening.

Welcome, glad to have you on board.

Glad you found a new home- with your family. Welcome its good you are here.

About adopting a bi racial child out in the the LDS church- people will still ask questions. They still tried keeping or suggesting keeping someone out of the temple back before the day the priesthood went to blacks.
I recall a question my 'best' church friend asked me (In California there were church friends from different school districts than my school friends) "are you part black? what if you're part black" discussing our adoptions (she & I were both adopted LOL) My hair was/is real thick & various textures alot of curl.
now at church it shouldn't matter- anyone can go through the temple now. But among people socially even among mormons they're clinging tribally to some degree it seems to me. "if you look like me - sit by me" even in the chapel or cultural hall.
oh well.

Welcome to the board- enjoy

I have an online friend who was born in SLC in December of 1977 and is biracial...her mother placed her for adoption and she was in a foster home for a couple of months until they could "find" a family... and a black family from NC (temporarily living in Utah) ended up adopting her and after learning who her birth mother is (birth father refuses to acknowledge her letters) a mormon, she wonders if the timing of 1978 and how the mormon church viewed black people had anything to do with why she wasn't placed right away (even though she as a child had very blonde hair and was pale). Since there seems to be a huge desire for adopting newborns vs older babies/children. But I don't know how things were in the late 70's as far as adoptions in general go, as I was not alive then.

That's the thing that annoys me about people in Utah...they 'oooh and awww' about black/biracial children and treat them as though they are items. I've lost count of the times I heard "I want one!" lol

They put my "white" bi-racial infant in foster homes till the revelation. About 4 months..

It is about race.

If they would have told me up front I never would have left her at the hospital.

We adopted (private) our first in 1973. She is full Tahitian and gets very dark in the summer, Which is when we adopted her. I was very blond and man did we get the looks. Then we went to LDS social services for the next adoption. They said we would only be able to adopt 1 more "infant"-that's what they called any child under 3. We quickly got our next baby-Tongan. Okay they said no more "babies" Then we quickly got #3-Hawaiian. Now for SURE they said NO MORE "infants". 3 years later we got #4 baby (3 weeks).Guess what nationality?? Tongan! So I guess as long as we only wanted the cute brown ones we could adopt all we wanted. Actually by the time #4 was born they were realizing people really weren't as picky about what color their child was. The mormons were just a little behind the times as uaual. We really wanted a black child but they refused on that one.

Thank you for sharing it.

You are so right that mormon programming affects our relationships, our decisions, and our lives even though we reject the church and never attend it from early adulthood on.

I left it early but also realized it affected my interactions with others and my expectations. Hopefully, having RfM available will help you and others figure these things out better and faster.

managed to make your own choices and live your life on your own terms at a very young age. You are a very strong, independent woman!

It's difficult to leave our familial, social, environmental, religious culture and tribe and survive. You have done just that.

I enjoyed reading your story. Hang around. You have experiences we can learn from.

If you read the board everyday, then you probably already know I have a "rainbow" family also.

Right now I have two small AA children (one adopted/one foster) who look like twins. Everyone ooohs and awwwws over them, too, when we are out in public - I take it as a compliment. ;o) Mixed families and biracial children are incredibly common here in the South, so we don't stick out at all. It's just that the two of them in a double stroller draws a lot of attention.

While visiting Utah a few years ago, my SIL insisted on taking my little black baby to her ward one Sunday so she could show him off. (The rest of us went to church with DH's parents). I realized later that she was treating my baby almost like an exotic pet, you know? Pissed me off when I actually thought about it.

Oh well, glad you and the family got out of Utah County! Your kids will be sooooo much better off growing up where you live now.

Again, welcome!

;o)

IS THAT YOU ..... SHANNON..... is this a New Name for you "young lady"??? and yes there is "room at the Inn for you here thither!!

You were your own self from early on!

If it is not too personal, can you give some info about your screen name? Are you lisping? ;)

Yeth, I am lithping. My name is Thithter Thim... You may call me by my name. :)

Enjoyed your life story. Hard at times but at least you are away from the Mormons. So will your marriage work? I hope so. I am glad you got out of Utah. I am glad your kids will blend in as they should with people of all faiths and those with no faith. I think you are a very perceptive person to have realized at age 8 that you got baptized due to pressure -and I had to laugh about your decision to rip up the document and put it down the vent. Wow.

Anyhow, I wish you well. If only people like you could talk to other 8-18 yr. olds to let them know all will be well when you come of age. I bet you are a good mom. Your husband thought you should work due to seeing his MOM work all his life. That is normal. I predict all will continue to go well for you in the future. You sure have lots to tell your children.

The other day I was with my kids at the playground where we live. I looked around and realized there were children of hindu, muslim, christian and non-believing faiths all playing together....just like it should be. It was a good feeling.

About my marriage...there's nothing that can make it "normal" and we're just wading the waters until some of the other circumstances are different to make a physical change.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/27/2010 07:41AM by thithterthim.

You bet, there's always room for more here at RFM. Welcome aboard.

Thank you all for the warm welcome. I would respond to each and every one of you, but I'll consolidate it into one, if that's okay.

I agree that many Mormons treat children as pets. My inlaws did. When the babies got older, they lost interest. Some huge families think of grandchildren as heads to count. My own TBM grandparents never remembered my birthday, and we grandchildren received mass-mailed identical Christmas cards. Half the time, they would call me by the wrong name.

I get Christmas cards every year from some huge families , and they actually have a MAP on the back, with the names of all the grand and great grand children. At least they keep track of their names.

My racist TBM neighbors, used to call this adopting of black children a "fad." There was a rash of racial adoptions in our ward, all at once, in the 1980's, and it did appear on the surface like these families were keeping up with the Joneses.

It is sad that well-intentioned parents who are genuine in their motives, are accused of following a fad.