Recently I was cleaning out my old emails and came across the last email my Bishop wrote to me. In it he says that his purpose was to remind me of my duty and to warn of the peril I face for becoming enmeshed in these doubts.

Years ago, my aunts and uncles all got together and decided to write out their testimonies. My dad tells of a time as a kid when he decided to do something else other than what he was supposed to do and ended up having something unpleasant (though unrelated) happen. His test monkey was that if you don't do your duty and obey, then you'll get dumped on.

The other test monkeys were about how sticking to their responsibilities were the key to happiness and truth is made known in the faithful performance of those duties.

Duty Duty Duty.

I have no problem with sticking to my duties and obligations.

What strikes me, is that I had been thinking about what my dad had written over the Thanksgiving weekend, and today, rereading that email it occured to me why I felt such emptiness even when anxiously engaged (striving while filled with anxiety) in church life. It was just duty.

And that seems to explain a constant underlying dissatisfaction that I had often felt- the talks and lessons were almost always about duty, reponsibility to spread the word and Jesus showing the way to be perfectly obedient. But not about real faith. The faith we had was based on faithful execution of callings and duties.

There is no real call to the faith of the heart or the inward conviction of the power of Christ or the spirit, but an appeal to put your shoulder to the wheel move along, do your duty with a heart full of song.

This is the gospel of any corporation- worker bees making everything run smoothly and profitably with a singular goal- to please their masters.

And maybe I'll be labelled as rebellious, but that has always subconsciously run counter to my experiences with and expectations of the spirit, or at the least left those expectations unfulfilled.

It was never about the product, it's all about the sale! snake oil is just snake oil but if you can get people to buy, you will reap the rewards forever. pay lay ole!

The more snake oil salesmen the better because we can never have enough snake oil, in makes the test a monkey go down better, sorry Mary Poppins.

It is not about the product- just look at how many eternal doctrines have been discontinued or modified. Look at how the new Gospel Prnciples manual in use for 2010-2011 has been stripped of previously essential teachings and in its place greater and greater demands of membership time and effort.

Another thing that has often bugged me even while a TBM was that when members went to the Bishop for counsel, most of the advice seemed to revolve around duty - do your duty and you'll see the way open up.

And in discussions with people in my family, it always seems that they employ the mindset that it is required, it is our duty, it is a sin to disengage. It is almost as if leaving the church is not about you, but about letting go of the rope while the others are trying to pull, and now they have to pull harder.

For the corporation to prosper, it needs worker bees and that means attending to your duties of the corporation. It has nothing to do with YOU. It is about them. Glad you have seen through it.

Thank you!
I think you are dead on with this observation. When I was about half-way through my mission, I brought up with my MP during one of our zone conference personal interviews, how I did not feel spiritual. His first question to me was, "Elder, do you masturbate?" (LOL) I replied, "No President, not at all." (This is true, I don't know how I did it, but I never touched the little Elder once on my mission). His sage advice was, "Well Elder, you just need to work harder then. Really put yourself into the work."

So I did, and I didn't feel any better. I was "promoted" to a zone leader after that though. So that was something...LOL.