My mormon husband (who has a problem w/ lying) told me that 2 weeks ago he told the stake president to take his name off the church records and that the SP told him it would be finished in 4 weeks.

I don't buy it. Could it possibly be that easy? A year ago, at my insistence, he spoke with the SP about getting a "temple divorce" from his ex and was apparently told it would be done but that it would "take some time". I have bugged hubby every couple of months to find out if the "divorce" has been finalized yet. His answer was always that he was working on it.

Because of this (and some other issues) we are currently separated. During a conversation when I was explaining what needed to happen for us to get back together, he told me about speaking with the SP. He told me that he told the SP that if they couldn't finalize the "divorce" immediately, they should just take his name off the records.

Would they really just go ahead and remove his name? It seems to me that they would try to convince him to remain a member and they would rather grant him the "divorce" than lose him.

Any input? Thanks!!

follow up with the letter of resignation just so I would have a paper trail that gives dates and times. Refer to the verbal exchanges and also give the a dates and times that those took place (as close as can be remembered). That way, if there ever is a tangle in the process, you/he has something concrete to refer to.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/30/2010 08:56PM by dane.

He should send a letter of resignation to Greg Dodge's office at the Church Office Building, SLC, with a copy to his local bishop. The complete instructions for how to resign from the church are here:

http://www.exmormon.org/remove.htm

Give the process 2-3 months from when the letter is sent. It might go faster, though.

My understanding is that cancellation of a temple sealing is a separate matter and must also be requested in writing to the COB and to your husband's bishop. Google "cancelling a temple sealing" and a number of resources will pop up. This process typically involves the bishop contacting your husband's ex, and waiting for a response from her, thus it may possibly take far longer than a resignation.

My understanding is that the temple sealings are only done at the presidency level (profit and counselors). They apparently get backlogged because they work under divine inspiration (that was what they said to me when my ex asked for her temple divorce), as well as the sheer volume of requests. It took about 8 months, if I remember right.

PS, they do ask the spouse for input, but they completely disregard it. I found that out, too.

It sounds like a lie to me, and not because he said the SP would grant it to him.

What does he gain by telling you this?

I'm just curious as to why you feel the need for him to get a temple divorce. It doesnt' sound like you believe (or are you even a member)--and it sounds like he doesn't believe. If you don't believe in mormonism, then a temple marriage has no power over you.

I agree with cl2. You would have married him knowing he was temple sealed to someone else. TSCC makes it really hard to officially dissolve that sealing, even the person officially resigns. Why drag up all that stuff with his ex at this point? Just move on. If she decides to get remarried later then she can go through the hassle. They are already divorced and you're asking him to initiate a similar process all over again when he's married to you. Why? Why do that to him?

I agree. When I married my husband we had to get permission from his ex that it was okay that I would be sealed to him as well. Legally, they were divorced, but in TSCC's eyes, we would all be a lovely happy family up in heaven. I never bought it and I think it is a bunch of crap. It doesn't bother me. If the man is legally divorced, that is what truly matters. TSCC makes it practically impossible for a man to have his sealing to a woman dissolved. They like for the men to keep adding to their wife count for the afterlife. lol It is just sick doctrine that is equivalent to fairy tales.

Actually, had I known he'd been sealed in the temple I would NOT have married him. True, I am not a mormon and do not believe in the forever family crap, but HE believes it. When I found out he was sealed to her (a year ago), I told him I didn't want to be married to a man who was happy about being promised to someone else in the afterlife. If he ultimately wants HER, then I'm not going to be in the picture.

I believe THAT is what he has to gain by lying to me. He thinks that if I think he has separated from the church, then I will get back together with him.

He has lied to me about so much. I thought he was divorced when we got together. I only found out after we were married that he only filed for divorce after we were engaged. He lied to me about being temple sealed. He'd said he wasn't but his parents confirmed that he had been. He has told his ex about OUR troubles which has led to additional troubles with MY ex. (The exes are friends.) Things have happened since our marriage that have been devastating for me.

We've only been married a year and half. Is it really such a problem that I don't want to be married to him anymore? I don't get the feeling that he will ever change and it is unfair of me to ask him to. There are just some things that I cannot put up or deal with.

Ack! That is horrible! :( He sounds like my exhusband, whom had a major problem with the truth. And that is exactly the reason he is my exhusband now. I am so sorry to hear all that you are going through. It definitely sounds far more complicated.

I couldn't live with someone that wasn't honest with me 100% of the time. You just never know what to believe and it made me constantly paranoid. I found that life is far healthier after I got rid of him. Our marriage was based on lies. He had advertised himself one way and in good faith that is who I thought I was marrying, just to find out that I had really married a sociopathic morphine/drug pill addicted idiot that was doing tons of crap behind my back. If you need to end things, I understand. I have been there. You can't change people if they have a personality disorder as deep as that. It is better to end things soon before too many finances are deep or lots of children are in the mix. I had just bought a house and was six months pregnant when I found out what my exhusband had been doing behind my back and I left him that very day. Life is so much better without all that drama. Even though I was left with 100% of our debt, my exhusband was in jail (which is how I found out about his problem), and I was pregnant. It is super hard at first, but you can do better if that is what you want. 6 years later and things are super good now. :) I will send some positive vibes. <3

in front of me like a carrot. Each new bishop would start all over with "the process," and there would just be a few more details to clear up, bla-bla. They knew from the beginning that I would never get a temple divorce. I'm sure most bishops had no intention of trying.

Finally, I resigned, and in my resignation I told them--I TOLD THEM--that my temple marriage was null and void.

The church leaders didn't care that my temple husband had beaten me.

I married another Mormon, but we weren't allowed to get married in the temple because my abusive ex hadn't given his permission yet. He delayed our wedding until we just went ahead and got married civilly. All the rules helped my husband see that TSCC was a hoax cult, and he began his journey out right then. The church leaders said that my children by my second husband were sealed, along with me, to my wife-beater first husband, according to church rules, and not to their father. This caused my children's fanatic blood grandparents to disinherit them, eventually. The whole family was split up before we were even married. So much for "forever families," in that stupid cult.

If the Mormon temple marriage were law--if it meant anything--then all these temple couples who get civilly divorced and civilly married again, would be living in adultery according to the church. NOT. It is all mumbo-jumbo, and the cult does not have the right to take heaven away from you and your children because you had to get divorced.

This is very ugly, IMO. Mormons have no respect for divorced people.

I would feel much better about it if he believed it was all mumbo jumbo. I've tried to share the truth with him but he doesn't want to hear it. If he honestly believed it were all garbage, then I wouldn't give a crap if he got a temple divorce or even resigned (officially) from the church. If it is over in his mind, then it's over. But he still believes...

It sounds to me like the temple marriage thing is not really even close to the issues you have with your husband. It does sound like he has lied to you over and over again and pretended to be something he is not. This really has nothing to do with him being temple married still.

I wonder if you would have grounds for an annulment seeing as he is still temple married to someone else...

cl2: You are quite right. There is MUCH more going on than just the issue of the temple marriage. The reason I brought it up was because I wasn't sure he could be telling the truth about resigning from the church.

vhainya: THAT is a good question. I'm going to check it out! :-)

good things to be angry about and you choose that he will be married to someone else in the afterlife due to a religion you don't even believe in? Something is not computing here. Now if he's a lying dipwad, bad lover, inattentive and worthless, leave his sorry ass. But not because the Morg says he still married eternally to somebody else. Sheesh!

No letter necessary. I have seen that done with a family member.
I maintain the letters generally sent are way too long.
All they need is verbal or written permission to change your membership status. It's been the same policy for sometime.
The only difference was years ago -- a temple endowed person could not resign - without being exed.

You have enough evidence of past lying to be able to predict the future with a high degree of certainly, that he will continue to lie to you all the days of your life. What a terrible thing to suffer through in life!

I hope you hand him his walking papers and not look back and have a fresh start for 2011!

You are nagging him to get his name off the books, get a temple divorce and other unnamed issues (which must not be as bad or they'd be listed first). And because he is dragging his feet, making excuses and not getting them done to your liking, you separated from him?

He may be "lying" or making excuses to you because he feels he can't really talk with you openly because you are demanding and probably even a little passive aggressive manipulator (based on the fact that you come here seeking evidence against him...).

Why would you, an exmo/nonmo, even care about a meaningless non-legal temple divorce or his name kept on the record of a meaningless organization? These are personal choices to him. What possible real difference besides feel-good-fuzzies does it offer your marriage? It seems what it is really about for you is control. You need him to do what you say and when you say it.

And you're here trying to get support for your case against him (that is, justification for controlling him).

Get over it. Communicate the real reason he is dodging and be tolerant and loving back without worrying about his silly left over entanglement in the cult. Live your life, let him live his.

If you can't communicate in a tolerant, non-control manner, then I suggest you do stay separated. For his sake.

Thanks Jesus Smith. I love how you've got me all figured out by my few posts. I am far from a controlling person. My first husband was verbally and physically abusive. Now HE was (and still is) a controlling son-of-a-bitch. My current husband shows signs of exhibiting the same kind of controlling behavior. If I'm so controlling, then why do I encourage him to spend time with friends (even females), to go hunting without me, etc? He's the one who INSITS I come along even though I don't want to. He's the one that accuses me of having an affair if I even LOOK at another man, much less communicate with one!

I have been more than tolerant and loving for the last year and a half. I have never said this is all about the cult, but that is the purpose of this board, which is why I mention IT rather than the other things that have led to our separation.

For example: The little money he makes when he DOES work goes to his hobbies and things for him. His hobbies include his horse (which I can't convince him to sell), hunting, his truck, hunting, and hunting. MY money pays the bills I can afford. Many of the other bills go into collections resulting in terrible financial issues. I had no financial issues until I married him. We have issues surrounding our children (I'm not going there right now.) He disapproves of my friendships. He hates my sister. I have issues with his parents (being that they're mormon). Everything is always somebody else's fault... he is never to blame because he's nearly perfect. And he is controlling. He calls me at least 20 times a day to make sure he knows where I am and what I'm doing. I nearly got fired from my job due to excessive personal phone calls! I also nearly got fired once because I went on a hunting trip with him and he REFUSED to leave when we were supposed to resulting in me missing two days of work (unscheduled and we were without cell service so I couldn't even call the office!). And you say that I'm the controlling one.

Jesus, what is it that you don't get? You say "Live your life, let him live his... I suggest you do stay separated. For his sake."
Well HE is the one that is fighting for us to stay together. He keeps asking for ONE MORE CHANCE to prove that he can be a good husband and support me and never lie again. What I am TRYING to do is live my own life and let him live his. He chose to make up this stuff about resigning from the church and the temple divorce in an effort to keep me from divorcing him.

What on earth is in your background that causes you to read so much into her posts? Take a little look inward before you make such personal accusations.

I totally get her post, as the exact same thing happened to me--only difference being the genders are reversed. While dating, me now DW lied to me about being divorced. Didn't find out until just before we were married and I saw the date of her dissolution--well after we had started dating.

Being never-mo, I didn't know about all the sealing crap, and don't care about it. But when I found out that she was still sealed to her ex, yes it torqued me off, because SHE believed it. No, I'm not going to just say, "Well, I don't believe that BS, so it's no big deal." If SHE still believes it, it IS a big deal! She wants to live with me as husband/wife in this life, but rejoin the ex for eternity? Hell, no!

Fortunately for me, when I confronted my ex on what I had learned about the sealing-for-all-eternity crap, she went to her bishop to ask how she could be un-sealed to her ex. When she found out that she couldn't, that was the beginning of her own journey of studying, which led her to resign a year later. And of course, resignation cancels all "blessings" and "covenants."

Whathaveidone, I completely understand how you feel. I'd have done the same thing--tell him to cancel his sealing to her. Can't be "sealed" to one and married to another. Mormons say they don't practice polygamy, but they sure do. Being "sealed" to one wife and "married" to another is emotional polygamy.

Your DW's story is exactly how I came to question and leave the church. I understand the emotion that goes along with it too!

He may drink or smoke or whatever but deep down inside he still believes.

I generally don't jump into the marital discussions having no first hand knowledge about them but having been a jackmormon I kinda understand the mindset.

1. Parental approval. Even though he's a jackmo he still wants it.

2. Going on the defensive whenever anybody gets all anti about "the church". Even if he hasn't been in years.

3. What will the neighbors think?

I could go on and on. Do what makes you happy.

Maybe you should try an atheist next time around. We're lot's of fun!